What does a frustrated old codger do?

[soleilesquire]

A lot of regular people who do not go to forums all the time have never heard of an EA. I mean, they definitely exist and are VERY damaging, but a lot of people don't make the connection until after the fact.

 

The OP is likely not perfect, just like no spouse is. I just get tired of the 3 go-to responses when someone is starving for intimacy to be:

 

Demonize sex and convince yourself you don't need it

What did you do to him/her to make them not want you

If you were a better spouse they'd be climbing you like a tree

 

Sometimes, unfathomable as it may be, it is the refuser who actually does bear most of the responsibility for being selfish. And most people who have been starving for years have actually thought of things like talking about it or trying to be romantic.

[Liam1]

 

The OP is likely not perfect, just like no spouse is. I just get tired of the 3 go-to responses when someone is starving for intimacy to be:

 

Demonize sex and convince yourself you don't need it

What did you do to him/her to make them not want you

If you were a better spouse they'd be climbing you like a tree

 

Well, I don't know anyone who demonizes sex to convince themselves they don't need it. I am not suggesting he do that. I am suggesting he romance his wife. That's what worked for me.

 

Yes it is work and my hot and horny affair partner did not require any work. She was always ready and raring to go.....with me, but never had sex with her own husband. He was interested, BTW, she wasn't, according to her.

 

You know what my affair taught me. It taught me that I would not want to a married to a woman like my affair partner.

 

In grad school the guys used to sit around talking about getting married. They used to joke that you want a wife to like sex but not too much.

 

After being with my affair partner I agree. It was like she had nothing else to do but sext and have multiple affairs. Ugh. Thank God it only took me a short time to wake up.

 

My point is if he loves his wife he will do the work. If not she has OFFERED him a trial separation.

 

Yes, I am a better spouse and now my wife actually initiates sex. It's not rocket science.

 

 

 

Sometimes, unfathomable as it may be, it is the refuser who actually does bear most of the responsibility for being selfish. And most people who have been starving for years have actually thought of things like talking about it or trying to be romantic.

Yes, sometimes the refuser MAY be being selfish. But it sounds like in this case, the husband has been selfish. We are only hearing his side, not hers.

 

In the end, if being romantic did not work. Why stick around. Divorce and find someone new.

 

This woman has offered him a trial separation.

 

BTW: You might want to do a google search on the decline in libido as one ages.

 

It's actually quite normal, yet you seem to be "demonizing" it, to borrow your beloved phraseology.

[soleilesquire]

Trust me, I know all about the decline in libidos, medical reason for lowered drives, etc.

 

It would be interesting to know how long it has been since your D-Day. You seem very much to be in the "righteous" stage of recovery. Possibly still reaping the benefits of hysterical bonding, which does not last forever.

 

At any rate, OP, it sounds like your wife really wants to try to meet your needs. I would suggest reciprocating. What would you say her top needs are?

[wmacbride]

OP,

 

Other than chalking it up to her age, has your wife ever said why she doesn't want to have sex more often?

 

I;m not expert, but unless whatever that issue might be is addressed, nothing will change.

 

I wonder if she even knows the answer herself.

 

( btw not to harp on it, but the crack about the model in the lingerie was hurtful, even if you only meant it as a joke)

[central]

I suggest you take the trial separation and turn it into a divorce. The kids are grown, and you can do better. If you're still sexually functional for your age and healthy, you can have a couple more decades of good sex with a good partner. At your age, good men are in demand and you are far outnumbered by available women who want one. Why continue to be unhappy? The solution is right in front of you.

[soleilesquire]

I do find it telling that the wife said she could do OLD and say she was looking for an LTR and just recycle every 6 months. Of course, the reason she knows she will need to recycle every 6 months is because even SHE knows no one wants an LTR with no regular intimacy.

[Liam1]

I do find it telling that the wife said she could do OLD and say she was l she knows she will need to recycle every 6 months is because even SHE knows no one wants an LTR with no regular intimacy.

 

Actually, I doubt that is true. Do your homework and read about how many men with heart disease (which prevents the use of viagra) diabetes or other health issues 60 and above who have lost interest in sex.

 

They are looking for companionate love.

 

My point is this guy might want to be careful what he wishes for. He may leave his wife and be hit by the Karma bus in that he will have some health issue that causes him to lose interest in sex.

 

Also, there is a HUGE difference between sex and intimacy. Intimacy is sharing personal details, hugging, cuddling, putting each other first.

 

I am saying that this guy may need to WORK at romancing his wife.

 

He needs counseling to figure out what it is that she is missing that has turned her off to sex.

 

As far as her not being able to find someone who is not interested in sex.....If you do your research you will see that doctors note that many men in the 60s and 70s lose libido.

 

Not all, lose interest, but it' is not ABNORMAL for that to happen as one ages.

 

Some doctors claims we live in a sex obsessed society where the loss of libido as part of normal aging is "demonized" again to use your favorite word.

 

I think there are likely plenty of widowed men over 60s who would delight in her company even without sex.

 

Again, she has offerred him a trial separation.

 

Why hasn't he taken her up on it?

Edited February 22, 2016 by Liam1

[central]

...

They are looking for companionate love.

 

My point is this guy might want to be careful what he wishes for. He may leave his wife and be hit by the Karma bus in that he will have some health issue that causes him to lose interest in sex.

 

Also, there is a HUGE difference between sex and intimacy. Intimacy is sharing personal details, hugging, cuddling, putting each other first.

 

I am saying that this guy may need to WORK at romancing his wife.

 

He needs counseling to figure out what it is that she is missing that has turned her off to sex. ...

 

It's often far easier to start over than fix what's broken. If he has resentment, it will be nearly impossible. At least with someone new, there is motivation to improve on any past mistakes, too, in order to avoid similar outcomes.

 

 

And the "karma" bus may never come. He may find a great new relationship and have great sex for decades, but he's certainly not going to find that in his current relationship.

[Liam1]

It's often far easier to start over than fix what's broken. If he has resentment, it will be nearly impossible. At least with someone new, there is motivation to improve on any past mistakes, too, in order to avoid similar outcomes.

 

Is it easier to start over than to fix a long term marriage? Maybe sometimes.

 

But I have a friend who started over and than two years later his new younger wife was no longer interested in sex. Worse, she was running on him.

 

Maybe the guy was lousy in bed and all women once past the lust stage lose interest in him. Who knows.

 

 

And the "karma" bus may never come. He may find a great new relationship and have great sex for decades, but he's certainly not going to find that in his current relationship.

Well that's possible, but so is the scenario I posited just as possible.

 

IMO, he should get counseling to try to fix things before he blows up a long term marriage.

 

He said the other aspects of the marriage were good.

 

But it's all moot. She has offered him a trial separation. This way he can decide whether or not he misses her.

 

It's possible she's looking to get out of the marriage, but wants to let him down gently.

 

Why hasn't he taken her offer for a trial separation?

 

Really the post about asking his wife, if the model came with the lingerie she showed him in an effort to please him was very unromantic to say the least. Maybe that is the way he talks to her all the time. If so, stopping that type of talk is an easy fix.

[soleilesquire]

There are definitely no guarantees. My parents are in their mid-eighties and still....um....frisky.

 

Then again, I know a particular man who never had much of a libido and lost most of the little he did have by about age 35.

 

I know women who never really seemed to want sex - it was something they "had to" do to snag a husband or get pregnant. Then again, I know women in their twilight years who still enjoy the heck out of it.

 

That is why I think things like this need to be candidly discussed BEFORE marriage. That way the people hardwired to need sexual intimacy (and, BTW, there IS nothing wrong with that) can find each other, and the LD or asexual people can find each other.

[elaine567]

 

But it's all moot. She has offered him a trial separation..

 

She has offered him more than that, twice a week sex #81

[dreamingoftigers]

I know that this might sound very weird but I see some hope in this one. Right from the first argument.

 

My parents argue like this (and worse).

 

It's a pissing contest.

 

Then eventually the negotiations happen.

 

Lots and lots of noise. Then they decide where they should eat lunch.

 

It's totally messed up. But they've been married for 34 years and together for 40.

[central]

She has offered him more than that, twice a week sex #81

 

Is that because she cares, or is desperate to keep him? If she cares, and it's not just duty sex, it is probably worth exploring that option. I'm more inclined to think it's desperation, else she'd have done this many years ago.

[wmacbride]

There are definitely no guarantees. My parents are in their mid-eighties and still....um....frisky.

 

Then again, I know a particular man who never had much of a libido and lost most of the little he did have by about age 35.

 

I know women who never really seemed to want sex - it was something they "had to" do to snag a husband or get pregnant. Then again, I know women in their twilight years who still enjoy the heck out of it.

 

That is why I think things like this need to be candidly discussed BEFORE marriage. That way the people hardwired to need sexual intimacy (and, BTW, there IS nothing wrong with that) can find each other, and the LD or asexual people can find each other.

 

 

This makes a lot of sense.

everyone is different, and there really is nothing wrong with whatever one;s sex drive may or may not be.

 

What's wrong is when it harms their marriage or relationships, or if they lie about it to their partner or even worse, themselves, , or if they use it to hurt someone else.

[Dolfin80]

Actually, I doubt that is true. Do your homework and read about how many men with heart disease (which prevents the use of viagra) diabetes or other health issues 60 and above who have lost interest in sex.

 

They are looking for companionate love.

 

My point is this guy might want to be careful what he wishes for. He may leave his wife and be hit by the Karma bus in that he will have some health issue that causes him to lose interest in sex.

 

Also, there is a HUGE difference between sex and intimacy. Intimacy is sharing personal details, hugging, cuddling, putting each other first.

 

I am saying that this guy may need to WORK at romancing his wife.

 

He needs counseling to figure out what it is that she is missing that has turned her off to sex.

 

As far as her not being able to find someone who is not interested in sex.....If you do your research you will see that doctors note that many men in the 60s and 70s lose libido.

 

Not all, lose interest, but it' is not ABNORMAL for that to happen as one ages.

 

Some doctors claims we live in a sex obsessed society where the loss of libido as part of normal aging is "demonized" again to use your favorite word.

 

I think there are likely plenty of widowed men over 60s who would delight in her company even without sex.

 

Again, she has offerred him a trial separation.

 

Why hasn't he taken her up on it?

 

Spot on there. My dad's in his 60s and can can't even tie up his own shoe laces. My mum ties his shoes up everyday. As for sex he is just happy his bowels are still working! Mum loves him and he loves mum. It's unconditional, she takes good care of him. Any man in his 60s would love to have a wife like the OPs, sex is usually irrelevant at that age, as health issues are the priority.

[Dolfin80]

Is that because she cares, or is desperate to keep him? If she cares, and it's not just duty sex, it is probably worth exploring that option. I'm more inclined to think it's desperation, else she'd have done this many years ago.

 

It's so her children are able to get an inheritance. She doesn't want her children to loose the money.

[Dolfin80]

It's often far easier to start over than fix what's broken.

 

 

And the "karma" bus may never come. He may find a great new relationship and have great sex for decades, but he's certainly not going to find that in his current relationship.

 

Only if the new women in her 60s likes to have threesomes with young models in sexi underwear.

 

I suppose they are out there, somewhere.

Edited February 22, 2016 by Dolfin80

[soleilesquire]

Spot on there. My dad's in his 60s and can can't even tie up his own shoe laces. My mum ties his shoes up everyday. As for sex he is just happy his bowels are still working! Mum loves him and he loves mum. It's unconditional, she takes good care of him. Any man in his 60s would love to have a wife like the OPs, sex is usually irrelevant at that age, as health issues are the priority.

 

You should probably get your father some medical attention. It is abnormal for a man in his sixties to be in such bad health. This sounds more like a man in his 90's.

 

Out of curiosity, how old are you?

 

OP, I do not know how your health is, but it is a consideration. If you are in very good healthy, then you may very well have a lot of good years of intimacy left. If you are frail beyond your years like Dolphin's father, it might be wise to think through any major life changes.

[BlueIris]

I do find it telling that the wife said she could do OLD and say she was looking for an LTR and just recycle every 6 months. Of course, the reason she knows she will need to recycle every 6 months is because even SHE knows no one wants an LTR with no regular intimacy.

 

I think he was the one who said that:

Her: Really? An attractive girl in her sixties looking to hook up could easily get someone one much younger than you. You'd end up with the dregs.

*She has 2 good friends who have re-partnered with men 10-15 years their junior*

 

Me: (only half joking- she IS right) Well I'd protect myself with condoms & a big paper bag to put over her head if she has a face like a broken pie.

OK so lets separate. Holy Terror is in our CBD (downtown) apartment free of charge till she gets established. I'll move her out, move in & start OLD. I'm not short, got most of my hair, am financially independent & can cook. I like my chances. I'll SAY I'm looking for a LTR but I'll just churn & burn every 5-6 months.

BTW we'd better announce it & that dinner party in 4 weeks that I'm catering for needs to be cancelled.

 

Her: * the sound of crickets chirping for a few minutes* Well fine! If THAT's how you feel, I going to bed.

 

And he's the one who said he doesn't want to divorce for financial reasons:

 

Her: How about we schedule 2 nights each week for sex?

 

Me: BTDT. At least 6 times. Each time it lasted 2-3 weeks then same old same old. Each time my self esteem got flushed down the toilet. Look I was horrified at your offer of a trial sep. But I'm beginning to see it as a viable option. I don't want a divorce. We are sustained by a superannuation fund I manage that will automatically convert to a trust for our kids when we die. I have no desire to change that. Not divorcing will ensure that happens.

 

Her: That's a relief! I'm having nightmares about you burning half the kids' inheritance. Please consider my offer.

Edited February 22, 2016 by BlueIris

[Dolfin80]

You should probably get your father some medical attention. It is abnormal for a man in his sixties to be in such bad health. This sounds more like a man in his 90's.

 

Out of curiosity, how old are you?

 

OP, I do not know how your health is, but it is a consideration. If you are in very good healthy, then you may very well have a lot of good years of intimacy left. If you are frail beyond your years like Dolphin's father, it might be wise to think through any major life changes.

 

No it's not, I live with a guy in his 60s he has alzehmers and degenerative arthritis. He can't move to well and can't remember anything.

 

My father has been getting great medical treatment ever since he was in his coma from an aneurism.

 

Are you 60? A lot of men die around this age hence why women out number men.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Dolfin80

[soleilesquire]

No it's not, I live with a guy in his 60s he has alzehmers and degenerative arthritis. He can't move to well and can't remember anything.

 

My father has been getting great medical treatment ever since he was in his coma from an aneurism.

 

Are you 60? A lot of men die around this age hence why women out number men.

 

The life expectancy for a man now is nearly 80./Your sample is pretty skewed.

 

Doesn't matter though. Because wanting physical intimacy with your spouse is not shameful.

[Dolfin80]

The life expectancy for a man now is nearly 80./Your sample is pretty skewed.

 

Doesn't matter though. Because wanting physical intimacy with your spouse is not shameful.

 

These guys died around 60 recently. Have you not had any deaths in your life at this age?

 

David Bowie

René Angélil

Glenn Frey

[soleilesquire]

These guys died around 60 recently. Have you not had any deaths in your life at this age?

 

David Bowie

René Angélil

Glenn Frey

 

3 people a statistical example does not make.

 

AGAIN, the topic is this man's sexual starvation. And the TRUTH is that there is no shame in desiring sexual intimacy with your spouse.

 

Back on topic, OP, what kinds of things can you do within the marriage to increase the level of nonsexual connection with your wife?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Erectile dysfunction drugs do not work on everyone. Also, not everyone is physically healthy enough to take them.

 

I know many men who have it and their wives do not complain or ask the men to seek treatment.

Why??!?! :eek: They really should.

 

Women, at least the marrying kind, are more evolved than men.

Having a sex drive, and / or feeling strongly about having a sexual relationship with your spouse has nothing to do with evolution.

[Liam1]

Why??!?! :eek: They really should.

 

Having a sex drive, and / or feeling strongly about having a sexual relationship with your spouse has nothing to do with evolution.

 

 

Erectile dysfunction drugs can be very dangerous for men over 50 and older folk. Also, sometimes erectile dysfunction has nothing to do with cardiovascular issues. Sometimes it's simply a lack of desire. It has nothing to do with the health of their blood vessels and the vessels ability to expand. That is what erectile dysfunction drugs treat.

 

Also these drugs can cause priapism. If priapism, which is an erection that will not subside, is not treated promptly in can cause permanent sexual dysfunction.

 

Evolution has to do with understanding that there is more to love than sex.

 

Companionate love some opine is when the real test of the marriage vows come into play.

The vows say to love honor and obey in sickness and in health.

 

A lack of libido is associated with health and is normal. There is no shame in wanting sex and there should be no shame in losing desire as someone ages. A spouse should not be discarded simply because of a lack of desire.

 

If you do your research you will see that it is very common for people in their sixties to lose interest in sex due to failing health.

 

Also, Many people don't even live past their sixties today. The average male human life span is still only 78.

 

I think if a person has a long history with a spouse and kids and the marriage is good, sex should be at the bottom of the list.

 

One can always masturbate.

 

There are people who are widowed or single and go without sex for long periods of time and it does not kill them.

 

Again, intimacy and sex are two different things. Most women need to feel love before wanting sex and that is why, IMO, more female affair partners turn into stalkers like in the movie fatal attraction, when the man ends the affair.

 

The man wants to fulfill the primitive urge of getting his rocks off with some strange.

 

And, the women needs to fall in love.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Liam1