westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 If he was ready to settle down, he'd be settled already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 If he was ready to settle down, he'd be settled already. what do you mean by this westernxr? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by newbby what do you mean by this westernxr? For one, you wouldn't have to guess. Two, he'd tell you. Three (given that talk is cheap), he'd actually do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 oh i SEE westernxr, you were reffering to what i said, well i didnt mean settle down in that sense, i meant calm down really. sorry Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Oh, you meant calm down... he'll calm down as soon as he can bang you. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 I'd cut him off in a cold harsh manner....and warn him if he doesn't stay away...you'll tell his wife I wouldn't be gentle at all with him....is he being gentle with you by cutting you off on im? I don't think so. its fun to be mean to someone like him...do it!!!! Stop being so nice Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 12, 2005 Author Share Posted June 12, 2005 westernxr thats exactly what i meant i was worried about. not now though. theres an update sorry i forgot to mention that he actually maybe didnt block me anyway he has been speaking to me last cple of days so if he did he unblocked me again. i am happy with a friendship, he is not being suggestive anymore and i really dont think he is worried about me exposing him. is there anybody out there who has had a successful FRIENDSHIP with their mm?? why is this not prefferable to complete cut off? i do happen to enjoy his company without the 'relationship', i dont see this as a problem i have. Link to post Share on other sites
jj003 Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by newbby is there anybody out there who has had a successful FRIENDSHIP with their mm?? why is this not prefferable to complete cut off? i do happen to enjoy his company without the 'relationship', i dont see this as a problem i have. newbby, I do, well at least I am trying... , the reason? I like him as a person coz he is a very intelligent person and we have similar ways of seeing things. I wrote this to him in my email,"I want to always remember you and our friendship as something beautiful. Perhaps, I like you more than I should, but more than anything, I like you as my friend and I miss you as my friend. This is and will always be the utmost important thing to me." Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 He'll be back for more. You can guarantee that. It ain't about friendship, as far as he's concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 12, 2005 Author Share Posted June 12, 2005 jj, and how is your friendship going? westernxr-why are you sooo sure its not about friendship? is it because he is a man?, or because he was a cheat? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by newbby westernxr-why are you sooo sure its not about friendship? is it because he is a man?, or because he was a cheat? Let's just put it this way, he wouldn't be your "friend" if you didn't have a vagina. Married guys usually have guy friends. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 By you still being friends with him, wanting to be friends with him - HE still has control over you. You still have emotional feelings for him, am I correct? He probably makes you feel good, just hearing his voice etc? That is why you can't be friends with him, especially right now. That old saying, you can't go back to holding hands...In your case, I think it's still an emotional affair - Grabbing at strings and hoping...Any time he's real nice to you or shows interest in you, YOU will read into it and get your hopes up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 12, 2005 Author Share Posted June 12, 2005 whilst all this may be true both westernxr and wwiu, i am still not having a physical affair with him so somewhere along the way it will be just friendship Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 It's not physical, but it is EMOTIONAL. You will NEVER even consider anybody else if he's still in the picture, even as a friend. Right now you can't see this, you've got blinders on and can't be objective and look at the whole picture. Take a big step back and try to see things in a different light. If this was your bestgirlfriend going through this - What kind of advice would you give her? Probably the exact same advise we're giving you on here. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by newbby i am still not having a physical affair with him so somewhere along the way it will be just friendship Says you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Do you think of him sexually? Fantasize about him? Hope he'll grab you and kiss you? if you have said yes to any of these, it is MORE than "just a friendship." Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 12, 2005 Author Share Posted June 12, 2005 wwiu, i dont really fantasize about him in that way anymore as i am 100% certain that as long as he is still with his wife i will NEVER sleep with him again. however you are right about me still being emotionally involved in the sense that i sometimes wish that he had some feelings for me that werent purely sexual, perhaps that is the real reason why i am continueing the friendship. possibly i hope that he will develop warmth for me as a friend. it was the whole feeling of coldness and being treated as a sex object that bothered me about the affair itself, aside from the obvious feelings of guilt etc. i'm not completely convinced that he would not value me as a friend as you say westernxr. dont guys have female friends that they do care about, i am not saying that they NEVER think about sexually, but that they actually care about. lots of guys i know do. or are you just saying married guys dont? Link to post Share on other sites
jj003 Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by newbby jj, and how is your friendship going? As I mentioned before, I like him as a person, just because I cannot be his lover or whatever, it doesn't stop me liking him. I would not ask anything of him, all I want is for him to be happy. Of course I was sad at the beginning, but I never hate him or anything like that. Now I have come to see it this way, why should I not be happy knowing the person I like and care for is happy? you know what I mean? as long as he feels happy living his life this way, I sould be happy for him. I just treat him like I would treat any of my male friends, actually, I think at this point, more distant than I would treat my other male friends. I would not expect him to do anything for me, offer me anything,or even be there for me. I do not even want to get emotional with him... I just want to be a real friend and nothing more, if he should need a friend to talk to, I'll be there. and of couse, i do not sleep with my male friends.. In a way, he is a nice guy, he said he doesn't want to say something "nice" to please me now but may hurt me later. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 dont guys have female friends that they do care about, i am not saying that they NEVER think about sexually, but that they actually care about. lots of guys i know do. or are you just saying married guys dont? Yes they do, but they respect, not do what your MM did to you. My husband has afew really good women friends he works with, they all go out to lunch afew times a week. I think in your situation the friendship will be harder to maintain because of what happened between the two of you. He may not want the friendship the way you want it to be, or intend it to be. I highly doubt he is going to be that friend you can rely on when you're down and out and want to be heard and understood, have someone there just for you. Don't put any limitations out there because it's only going to disappoint you. My real suggestion is to let him go completely. I can't see how a 'real' friendship can be twosided considering the history there. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
jj003 Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by newbby wwiu, i dont really fantasize about him in that way anymore as i am 100% certain that as long as he is still with his wife i will NEVER sleep with him again. however you are right about me still being emotionally involved in the sense that i sometimes wish that he had some feelings for me that werent purely sexual, perhaps that is the real reason why i am continueing the friendship. possibly i hope that he will develop warmth for me as a friend. it was the whole feeling of coldness and being treated as a sex object that bothered me about the affair itself, aside from the obvious feelings of guilt etc. i'm not completely convinced that he would not value me as a friend as you say westernxr. dont guys have female friends that they do care about, i am not saying that they NEVER think about sexually, but that they actually care about. lots of guys i know do. or are you just saying married guys dont? agree with you, newbby, I for one have many male friends that I do not and have never slept with. As for "him" we like each other because of our" minds" first, not because of our bodies..so this will not change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 12, 2005 Author Share Posted June 12, 2005 i think because i am feeling bad about other things i am feeling more negative about our friendship. i think its easy to feel more demanding to somebody you have feelings for, but that is for me to work through. jj if he was happy with his wife and said that to me i would really feel fine about that. i think because he maintains that he is not happy and that they are having problems that i find confusing or certainly more of an insult to me!! if he is being dishonest then obviously he is only being friends in the hope of continuing the a. i didnt think he was being dishonest but now i am just confused about the whole thing. i think just a little less communication may be better. Link to post Share on other sites
phillygirl63 Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by newbby iif he is being dishonest then obviously he is only being friends in the hope of continuing the a. i didnt think he was being dishonest but now i am just confused about the whole thing. i think just a little less communication may be better. I am not trying to be cruel, but why on earth would you think that he would be honest with you when he can't even be honest with the woman he took vows with? I don't understand why women think that a lying, cheating, manipulative husband of someone else would treat them any better. Link to post Share on other sites
jj003 Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by newbby i think because i am feeling bad about other things i am feeling more negative about our friendship. i think its easy to feel more demanding to somebody you have feelings for, but that is for me to work through. jj if he was happy with his wife and said that to me i would really feel fine about that. i think because he maintains that he is not happy and that they are having problems that i find confusing or certainly more of an insult to me!! if he is being dishonest then obviously he is only being friends in the hope of continuing the a. i didnt think he was being dishonest but now i am just confused about the whole thing. i think just a little less communication may be better. He also told me he is Not happy most of the time, he feels a certain responsibility, you know what i mean? He said,"love is not everything..." So I respect him and his decision. He did not say he is happy, only I am saying that I hope he will be happy,( perhaps I cannot make myself clear) I feel that it is his decision, anyone makes a certain decision to do something must be"happy" with it to a certain degree? even if he said he is not happy, I wish for him to be happy...anyway, what even he chooses, it is all right with me, I actually ended the letter this way," I understand you have other priorities, I do not want you to feel obligated to to me in any way, do the things you need to do and that make you happy, but if you should ever need a friend, I’ll be here always." I think if being with me gives him stress or problems, I would rather for him not to be with me and be happier... newbby, I think whether you could be friends or not depends on how you feel about it, for me, i feel that I like and admire this person in a certain ways, even I cannot be with this person physically, I still like this person, this would not change how I feel. There got to be something spiritual in this world? But if you think that he is using you for sex only, then i would say, don't let him!! Noone can tell you what is right, only YOU can be the judge !! because you know him more than all of us ! Link to post Share on other sites
jj003 Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by phillygirl63 I am not trying to be cruel, but why on earth would you think that he would be honest with you when he can't even be honest with the woman he took vows with? I don't understand why women think that a lying, cheating, manipulative husband of someone else would treat them any better. I hate to tell you this, generally speaking, in any situation, the fault is not all one sided. If a person really feels loved and understood, they may not lie, cheat, or anything...before we blame someone for not being honest with us, ask ourselves, are we being so understanding that they feel they could be honest with us? Often, i feel the first person to blame is myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 12, 2005 Author Share Posted June 12, 2005 jj i am NOT letting him, when i said that i was talking about the past. phillygirl, just because someone is not honest ALL of the time, doesnt mean they are dishonest ALL of the time. also i do not expect him to be honest with me but i was questioning one thing he said. anyway it doesnt matter, i'm sure i'm not coming across very clearly about any of this at the moment. i am not sure whether a friendship is beneficial, that is what i am questioning, i am not arguing it is or isnt, i am just working it out. i appreciate everyones advice and any more is definetly welcome, i am having a particuarly bad day today and am feeling a little confused about things. jj of course nobody can tell me that but however sometimes somebody can see something with a perspective that you dont have being actually in the middle of things. isnt that why we are all in these forums?? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts