Author newbby Posted June 14, 2005 Author Share Posted June 14, 2005 you guys were right, it was a terrible mistake thinking i could be friends with him. perhaps it is wrong of me to want a little emotional support from him, however i did/do and he is unable to provide that. i know he was only in it for a piece but i thought that perhaps after all our communication he may feel a bit of friendship towards me. he doesnt, he not only refused to talk to me he also rubbed my face in it by saying he was off to comfort another friend, explaining this was ok as the other friend was a friend of longer duration!! so it looks like you were right, if i dont want to continue the a and i refuse to talk sex then he doesnt want to know. he just this second tried to talk to me, asking some dumb question which i used to find an endearing humour, i have ignored it. i'm not blocking or deleting him because it shows i am hurt and angry. let him try and talk to me, i will play his own game better than he is. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 he just this second tried to talk to me, asking some dumb question which i used to find an endearing humour, i have ignored it. i'm not blocking or deleting him because it shows i am hurt and angry. let him try and talk to me, i will play his own game better than he is. No no no, you're wrong there...Playing his game is STILL talking to him, responding to his emails/IM's/calls...Block him completely. Silence is the kicker here, trust me. Guys HATE to be ignored and besides you need this time away from him. The no contact is for YOU to heal - Not to show him what you think/feel...Because honestly, he isn't thinking of you or caring the way you want him to. You can't control his thoughts or reactions to what you do. I know it's painful but the best thing you can do for you is just stop completely. He isn't worth the energy - He JUST told you he's off to be with somebody else!!! He's an a-hole, why would you want somebody like that in your life??? If you had a girlfriend who treated you like dogcrap I bet she wouldn't be in your life for long, right? SO, this is the same thing except you've got some deep feelings for him...The no contact will help you bury those feelings and give you time to push him out of your thoughts. This MM has become such a habit to you, I bet you still think of him alot - Time to re-train your brain to stop thinking of him. Takes 30 days to create a habit, and 30 days to break a habit. YOU can do this. DOn't tell him anything, just DO no contact...You owe him NOTHING! Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 14, 2005 Author Share Posted June 14, 2005 no wwiu, i am not talking to him. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by newbby you guys were right, it was a terrible mistake thinking i could be friends with him. Gosh, I hate being right all the time. It still hurts, regardless, and I'm sorry to hear about it. Anything we tell you will pale in comparison to living through it, which is why experience is such a great teacher -- but only if you learn from it. Most people have to learn the hard way in order to wise up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 14, 2005 Author Share Posted June 14, 2005 believe me westernxr, i am wise, just desperate too Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 Please don't be desperate... it leads to foolish choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 14, 2005 Author Share Posted June 14, 2005 i know that! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 Easier said than done, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 14, 2005 Author Share Posted June 14, 2005 yes Link to post Share on other sites
joodee Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 I am trying not to make foolish choices myself. My ex-MM is still trying to text me that he loves me. I don't know when the games will stop. The games are getting to my psyche. Had a bad day today, hopefully Newwby your day went better. But I didn't give in to ex-MM's games. Hope you are staying strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 hi joodee! hope you are okay, you are being strong by the sounds of it, its the bad days that make us vulnerable to giving in, but each bad day you have that you dont give in, is a HUGE step to recovery, hopefully he will get bored soon and leave you alone. as for me, i am maybe not strong as others would view it but i still feel i am doing the right thing for me. i ignored him all yesterday and the previous day, but then he starts panicking and getting obsessive and its not the way i want things to go, i certainly dont want him showing up at my door. he kept emailing me constantly and asking me if i hated him blah blah... so i have kept the communication and kept it polite and short and friendly because it is how i would rather things trail off. i'm still not sure about it but i feel at the moment it is probably best. for me it is giving me a much better objective overview of the situation too. i really feel for his wife alot more now, i did feel for her before but because i was stuck in it i was preoccupied with how i was being treated. it makes me much clearer about what i dont want to happen. when my emotions and his ?emotions? settle down more which is what i believe will happen with fairly infrequent friendly polite conversation, then i think things will be better left that way it is only when i have my pmt that i get weak which is where i was the last week, but now it is over i dont have any need for him, i do feel a need to keep some sort of control over the situation though... Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 18, 2005 Author Share Posted June 18, 2005 well i thought i was in control of things and i thought that i was really handling a friendship i am weak, at the moment. yesterday i told him i wanted to end our friendship, but i wasnt sure. i still feel its decietful but i dont think i am ready to let go. i asked him if he thought it was harmful to his marriage, even if we were only talking, as it is still decietful. he said it made no difference to his marriage which was already in a mess. he tried to convince me it was ok to be friends, and said he would leave the decision to me. i didnt feel that he wants to continue the a, only the friendship. this was all really friendly and all, but then.... all last night and most of this morning he ignored me. now he is speaking to me, but i tried to make him jealous by talking about dates etc when he ignored me i panicked, same as he does if i ignore him, and yet we arent doing anything, are just friends on im. i dont really know what to do, i cant handle it if we dont talk, it makes me panic. perhaps we are actually dependent on one anothers interest in us. it is strange, i really felt fine yesterday and was thinking sensibly and objectively. it seems that when he is strong, i feel weak and panic, and when i feel strong, he feels weak and panics. anyone have any clue, what is going on here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 18, 2005 Author Share Posted June 18, 2005 i'm so unhappy at the moment , pathetic i know, brought it on myself?, probably, most of it. obviously our friendship meant absolutely nothing to him. i know, i know. you told me so. Link to post Share on other sites
joodee Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Newwby, don't be mad, I blew it big time this weekend. Something is wrong with my computer, this is my 3rd attempt at posting, long story short, my mm in so many words will do anything to make sure I am not included in his daughter's graduation. He still insists there is nothing between his w and him, so there should be no problem (he constantly says I would be wonderful around his daughters). But he got all pushed out of shape, and his last text was "you wanting to go to my daughter's graduation has nothing to do with her but everything to do with you". I told a male this, this male friend told me not to respond and cut all communication cause he was being an a$%. My mm asked to talk on Sunday night about all this, I have not called cause I feel he will say and do anything to keep me from his kids so that his W will not be upset. I asked my MM to tell me the truth, and it's ok if he and his W have more than meets the eye, so then I can bow out of the picture and not interfere with their marriage. He INSISTS there is nothing between them. I still say hooey. I'm not calling. To heck with him. NOBODY makes me feel unworthy of being around kids. He won't even give me the opportunity to be real friends, he'd rather attempt to keep me thinking there's nothing going on between him and W so he can attempt to keep our relationship as more than friends. So Newwby, don't feel bad. I fell too. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 20, 2005 Author Share Posted June 20, 2005 hey joodee, it doesnt sound like you blew it honey, you are right, if he wants to tell you something, he has to also back it up with his actions. i blew it big time as far as a friendship goes with xmm, i dont think i realised how dependent i was getting on him. he is the most excellent game player, because although i knew what he was doing it still worked on me. i am annoyed with myself. all was fine until during a conversation he mentioned his very good sex life with w, well i then asked why look elsewhere for it if it is so good, and he said it is just for the challenge. i got angry, lost my , wished him lots more extramarital conquests and said that as long as he was getting his needs met and extra why give a damn about anyone elses feelings. he then was surprised i was p!ssed at him and said "well i wasnt talking about YOU was i?" so i replied with "who the f*** were you talking about then?" he responded to that by cutting me off, and hasnt spoken to me or been available since. i am mad with myself for losing my , the physical relationship was in the past and should have nothing to do with our friendship, i have lost my dignity. it was just the blatant coming out with how great the sex life was when all these weeks he has been saying, "we dont even talk to one another blah blah blah..." yes i know this is what mm say, but i thought that in our friendship the wanting to get a piece and lying to get a piece would diminish, which they just have done, but quite suddenly. and when someone keeps repeating the lie, you tend to start believing them, a bit, even though you are sure that you are not sure (does this make sense?) so although i kinda knew he was lying i was still quite shocked and reacted rashly, why it shocked me i do not understand i wish to exit with my dignity in tact, if i cannot have the friendship, its too late for that tho as he is no longer speaking to me. Link to post Share on other sites
jj003 Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by newbby hey joodee, it doesnt sound like you blew it honey, you are right, if he wants to tell you something, he has to also back it up with his actions. i blew it big time as far as a friendship goes with xmm, i dont think i realised how dependent i was getting on him. he is the most excellent game player, because although i knew what he was doing it still worked on me. i am annoyed with myself. all was fine until during a conversation he mentioned his very good sex life with w, well i then asked why look elsewhere for it if it is so good, and he said it is just for the challenge. i got angry, lost my , wished him lots more extramarital conquests and said that as long as he was getting his needs met and extra why give a damn about anyone elses feelings. he then was surprised i was p!ssed at him and said "well i wasnt talking about YOU was i?" so i replied with "who the f*** were you talking about then?" he responded to that by cutting me off, and hasnt spoken to me or been available since. i am mad with myself for losing my , the physical relationship was in the past and should have nothing to do with our friendship, i have lost my dignity. it was just the blatant coming out with how great the sex life was when all these weeks he has been saying, "we dont even talk to one another blah blah blah..." yes i know this is what mm say, but i thought that in our friendship the wanting to get a piece and lying to get a piece would diminish, which they just have done, but quite suddenly. and when someone keeps repeating the lie, you tend to start believing them, a bit, even though you are sure that you are not sure (does this make sense?) so although i kinda knew he was lying i was still quite shocked and reacted rashly, why it shocked me i do not understand i wish to exit with my dignity in tact, if i cannot have the friendship, its too late for that tho as he is no longer speaking to me. Sorry to learn of what you are going through, I think it is a normal reaction for you to behave like that. Don't be too mad at yourself. it is typical for them to react like"he responded to that by cutting me off, and hasnt spoken to me or been available since." how long have you not spoken with him? But I have a feeling that he will be back.....!! If for some reasons he never come back, then I think he probably never really cared, so think of it this way, how can you lose something you don't have to begin with? don't be too sad Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 20, 2005 Author Share Posted June 20, 2005 thanks jj, i guess i wanted to believe we had a friendship. if he is cutting me out it is obviously that he feels he has blown it for sex, either that or he thinks i am going to continue to be p!ssed at him. thing is, i already knew that the a itself was not for me, that it had none of the emotional content that i require nor any of the honesty or commitment. it is just rather difficult to continue a friendship when his games still continue. however i should be firm in my position, ie should not react emotionally to such things, otherwise i am not showing myself to be a friend and nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
jj003 Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 I think your reaction is normal, you cannot expect yourself to have no feelings at all... I try to treat him like a friend, but if he starts saying like that, I have a feeling I may not like to hear it also, even though I may not show it. And I think even if we think of them as friends only, we still kind of expect that they'd be our "good" friends, if they show some sort of indifferences when we are down, I think it will still bothers us. we may think" even our friends care more about us than him whom we had so much emotional investment in.." perhaps, we can only be "casual" friends with them, and nothing more..? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 20, 2005 Author Share Posted June 20, 2005 yes jj, i think so too. casual friends is quite a transition, i am beginning to think no friends at all Link to post Share on other sites
jj003 Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I sometimes think it is sad that we cannot even be just friends with someone whom we used to care so much, does it always have to be all or nothing? I would like to think that there must be some kind of friendship somewhere, that love is something built on friendship, there must be something we like about the person as a friend, and this would not change no matter what happens to "love" but sometimes, this could not be achieved.... we can only do what is best for us. I do understand how you feel very well.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 21, 2005 Author Share Posted June 21, 2005 ok guys, i have blocked and deleted him. this particular friendship is detrimental to my wellbeing Link to post Share on other sites
jj003 Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by newbby ok guys, i have blocked and deleted him. this particular friendship is detrimental to my wellbeing hope you feel better Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 21, 2005 Author Share Posted June 21, 2005 i dont! Link to post Share on other sites
jj003 Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by newbby i dont! well, I don't feel so good myself too...but I think it has reached some level of "indifference", that it doesn't bother me as much as before I think if someone keep hurting us again and again, maybe then we will eventually get over them. you know what i mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newbby Posted June 21, 2005 Author Share Posted June 21, 2005 i do, well there is certainly not much to miss is there? miss the pain? it is the fact that sometimes you kind of reduce yourself, its what i did in any case, and i dont really want him to remember me by that. then again he will probably only ever remember me for extremely good illicit sex, whatever i say!! Link to post Share on other sites
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