Molly33 Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 (edited) Together 6 years. No kids, we're older. Found out after 12 mths he was emailing 3 secret female friends in his country, pretended he was single & even met them when he visited his country. None knew about each other. One was an ex. Emails were very flirty, charming etc. I contacted them. Nothing had happened. He stopped all contact and we were fine for the next 4 years. A year ago we moved to his country. He started working closely with a female colleague, business trips etc. but never talked about her. I CASUALLY mentioned that it would be nice to meet her sometime. He said crossly it's "not done" here. I said it was odd as before he started working with her, he said he would bring me to a company celebration in a couple months and that I asked some locals who just laughed and said there was no such rule here. He got very angry and said he didn't like to be told what to do! I checked his phone - heaps of texts to his colleague, not all about work, lots of smileys, not sexual but VERY familiar. Neither did I meet a female friend he has here. He said we must have lunch with her but kept putting it off. The final straw was when he said he wouldn't always tell me if he was drinking with a woman (I presume he meant colleague but maybe not!), that it was the culture???? and that "nothing is 100%'. Btw we live in a Western country - in Europe!!! I also said he met all my male friends and had met my male colleagues occasionally at after work drinks etc. I also said it meant he would have to lie to me since he'd have to pretend he was working late or drinking with a male if he was actually with a woman. We argued like this for a couple of months but he held his ground and kept repeating the BS. We then mutually split up 8 months ago. In the past month he started sending me 'miss you' texts and also said he never stopped loving me. I finally agreed to meet him but didn't sleep with him. He did try to. It went really well, like old times. The 3rd time we met, I said it was a shame our marriage ended because he wouldn't let me meet any female friends or colleagues. He got really angry and said he doesn't like being told what to do, again! We haven't seen each other since. I wish he had never made contact. It has put me back to the breakup pain. I am alone here and not young so the chances of meeting someone are slim, especially as so many here don't speak English. So I guess there's no hope of a reconciliation. I'd have talked about it if he had but clearly he's going to stick to his guns. Ironically for the first time he spoke about his colleague. Said her grandma died so he's renting grandma's flat to help her and her mother out!!! She's on a fertility program and having heaps of hormones trying to have a baby with her boyfriend!!!!! I still get his phone bills. The texts between them are even more now, 500 to 600 a month. I wonder if the bf knows! He was clearly just playing with me and only wanted sex I suppose. I guess all I'm asking for is reassurance that he is an a**h##e Edited February 15, 2016 by Molly33 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 Ironically for the first time he spoke about his colleague. Said her grandma died so he's renting grandma's flat to help her and her mother out!!! She's on a fertility program and having heaps of hormones trying to have a baby with her boyfriend!!!!! I still get his phone bills. The texts between them are even more now, 500 to 600 a month. I wonder if the bf knows! He was clearly just playing with me and only wanted sex I suppose. I guess all I'm asking for is reassurance that he is an a**h##e Maybe he IS "the bf". Anyway I think if you are stuck in Europe, then either move to an English speaking country in Europe, ie the UK, or learn the language where you are and then go out and meet people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molly33 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 I'm 100% sure the bf exists. When the ex started there he said a colleague told him about her French bf & that she always had lots of hosp appts & the colleague was worried about her. So it adds up. I would move if I could afford to. It's very cheap to live here. Language (a Slavic one) is incredibly difficult to learn tho I'm trying. I know an expat & after 10 years he still speaks a pigeon version! Thnx for your reply. PS Love your quote :-) Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 What is your plan to get our of there? Your husband is clearly cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Trishern Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 I'm 100% sure the bf exists. When the ex started there he said a colleague told him about her French bf & that she always had lots of hosp appts & the colleague was worried about her. So it adds up. I would move if I could afford to. It's very cheap to live here. Language (a Slavic one) is incredibly difficult to learn tho I'm trying. I know an expat & after 10 years he still speaks a pigeon version! Thnx for your reply. PS Love your quote :-) So you'll stay there for the rest of your life? Get divorced and look to move back to where your family are. Your husband is clearly having a relationship of some kind with this woman. Mrs T Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molly33 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 No family to go to Mrs T. So I gotta make it work here. I have come across strange things in my life but never 2 people having an emotional/physical affair when she is on a fertility program with her partner to get pregnant! The mind boggles. Be careful out there. Leopards don't change their spots, maybe 1 in 1000! He managed to keep up his 'good guy' thang for 4 years & was very convincing! Thanks folks for your comments. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 T Emails were very flirty, charming etc. I contacted them. Nothing had happened. He stopped all contact and we were fine for the next 4 years. What would be their motivation for telling you the truth? Don't think your H will ever observe the boundaries one needs to have a successful relationship. Some married folks can lead very compartmentalized lives, they have their spouse and various forms of side action at the same time. Sucks to find you were in an open marriage and you didn't even know it. What is the stratus of your divorce? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molly33 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 (edited) Divorce on the way soon - international, complicated and expensive. As a good detective, I saw all the emails & from the txt history I was able to work out he didn't sleep with the two he met. Also all 3 were very angry about his lies when I contacted them as they felt deceived. He flattered them enough so they got the warmies but he still kept a distance. Thus I VERY reluctantly agreed to R as I don't believe in it! But he did all the right things. I'm 100% sure he didn't do it again until we moved here. Here, the colleague is on a fertility program to get pregnant so it's doubtful he plans on a future or sleeping with her. She will have the warmies by now as the txts showed. Should be interesting when she gets pregnant. She knew he was married. I needed to vent at his cheek coming after me, knowing I'm vulnerable here. But I mainly needed confirmation he's an a**h***. Grrrrr! So everything you said is spot on Mr Lucky. Thanks! Edited February 16, 2016 by Molly33 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I guess all I'm asking for is reassurance that he is an a**h##e He is. It is ridiculous that he wouldn't introduce you to these "friends" he's so close to that he knows details about the most intimate, personal, private of subjects - her fertility issues and desire to bear children. I mean, granted, I don't know "the culture" where you live, but I can't imagine there being a culture where women are so open with their male friends about their fertility issues while at the same time introducing your wife to these friends is "not done" there. He was an ass for trying to reconcile (or whatever) while changing none of the things that led to the end of your marriage. He made it very clear to you that he still carries on these very close friendships/relationships. He thought you would just overlook it this time or be okay with it somehow? What a dick. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 No family to go to Mrs T. So I gotta make it work here. I have come across strange things in my life but never 2 people having an emotional/physical affair when she is on a fertility program with her partner to get pregnant! The mind boggles. Be careful out there. Leopards don't change their spots, maybe 1 in 1000! He managed to keep up his 'good guy' thang for 4 years & was very convincing! Thanks folks for your comments. I've heard stranger things I tell you. Like texting your mistress when your wife is in active labour with your child and sending pictures of your privates at that time. Just crazy. Your H has a lot to hide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 You deserve to be in a relationship where you know, understand, and can trust your partner. That relationship lacked openness and the result is one can never feel they are standing on solid ground. Don't grieve him. Celebrate you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Sooooo his colleagues think there is a French BF. Your husband seems VERY invested in her... My former colleagues thought I was dating my ex for two years after we broke up. I left the pictures of us up and it kept the hounds away. Nobody knew the real truth. When I dated another, I told him what I said at work - that I liked my private life private and nobody ever knew the truth. Except the guy I was invested in... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molly33 Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Yes, EverySunset, the French bf exists. I had a look at her Facebook. My ex also mentioned she was always talking on the phone to her French bf, in French. He also said when he started at the company that she was a flirt & he felt she might be having an affair with one of the managers as they always left together. So it seems she has shifted whatever she might have been doing with the manager to my ex. It sounds as if she and my ex are well matched. Must be an interesting office to work in watching all of it!!! I will take down this thread now. My ex ain't worth wasting space on this forum with. Thanks all. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Hi Molly, does the 33 indicate your age? That apart why do you come across as so helpless regarding your situation? In this country where you moved with your husband, were you able to get a job? If so does it pay reasonably well? Were you working in your home country( The US?) and if so were you on a good salary there? I ask because if you are in the process of divorcing your husband then there is nothing to hold you back in this country which is foreign to you and where you are not likely to make friends or at best just a very few. From the tenor of your posts I get the feeling that you seem resigned to your fate and do not have the motivation to exert yourself to improve on your situation. I don't really know how old you are but if you could move with your husband to a new country I really do not think your age is such a major deterrent for you that you should be held back from whatever you want to do. You need to develop an optimistic outlook and take positive action to make your life better. Wish you the very best for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Molly33 Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Hi JustaGuy 33 is lucky number, am older . Glad to be back in Europe but stuck in the east - can't afford to live anywhere they use Euros - mainly due to the ex. Big plus is my kids at univ in Europe, post-grad -closer to them here. Can't work in my industry here & industry is in a downturn atm but can pbly do FIFO (fly in/fly out) work in the Middle East when it picks up. I will stay here & make a huge effort to learn the language and network. Title of my post in itself is pathetic isn't it. I'm angry I met him & even angrier he chased me. Messed with my head cos we had great marriage past 4 years. But I think he just turned back into who he really is once he got back to his home country. The situation he is getting into makes me kinda laugh . . . a colleague. . . who is on a fertility program. . . who has a partner. Thanks for your encouragement. I must look at your story. I'll take down my thread as said but I will be posting . Link to post Share on other sites
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