Bluewhitegreen Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 Hi guys I'm new here so this is my first post. I would really like some advice. I was married for 13 years and have 2 young adopted children. After 6 months into the adoption my husband left me for another women he was having an affair with. It turned my world upside down. Leaving me with no job and two small children. I ended up seeing the guy who was the husband of the women my husband had an affair with. We were there for each other as both our worlds were turned upside down. He eventually finished it with me saying he did not want to bring up 2 small children which was fair enough and at least he was honest. I then dated someone for about 8 months as I was alone and needed to feel loved, however he wasn't the one for me and I ended it simply out of not loving him. I then met the one for me. A kind loving handsome guy. We love each other very much however when I told him about my previous 2 boyfriends after my husband he gets very down on this. He gets very upset and says it kills him to think of me with someone else. He is in therapy for it and admits it's his problem and is working on it. I think it is called retroactive jealousy. He can be very sweet one minute then very distant the next and I know it hurts him to think of me with my exes. It can be very trying but I don't know what to do? I obviously slept with my 2 exes but they were not one night stands or anything, I generally wanted love. Any advice would be great. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 Sadly, this is not uncommon. Have you both considered couples counselling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluewhitegreen Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 No but it's something I would consider Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 Has he never had a relationship before you? I don't understand how or why he's jealous of people who were in your life before him. I hope the the therapy helps him... I just can't imagine dealing with that. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 What did you tell him about your past? Outside of saying that you were divorced because your WH cheated and left and that you dated some after, the rest is none of his business. Obvious to of give details was a mistake. You gave him more info then he can handle. Give his therapist a chance to help him. Though do not count on it. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 It can be very trying but I don't know what to do? I obviously slept with my 2 exes but they were not one night stands or anything, I generally wanted love. Any advice would be great. Thanks. Of course, you did nothing wrong. Don't apologise for or minimize your perfectly normal behaviour. The problem here is his perception. If you act as though you did something wrong or something you should be sorry for, it will justify his illogical thought process. It's important for you to believe, and make him believe, that you did nothing wrong or bad, and that the problem is all in his head. Hopefully that will give him the best chance for therapy to help his issue. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 He's a grown man and has jealousy issues of a teenager?.....sometimes it's too late for therapy to have an affect. Give yourself a realistic amount of time to see proper results like say 6 months. So far you have been good about knowing what you want, and ending relationship that are going nowhere. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluewhitegreen Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 thanks for the replies guys. The problem is he knows its all in his head and is really trying. He says its hard as he gets mental images of me with my exes. I do wonder how long I should persevere tho. How long I should give him as its really wearing me down. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 thanks for the replies guys. The problem is he knows its all in his head and is really trying. He says its hard as he gets mental images of me with my exes. I do wonder how long I should persevere tho. How long I should give him as its really wearing me down. Seriously I have my doubts with this guy....he has had plenty of time to deal with this issue.....and he is finally getting around to seeing a therapist? Sometimes it can take years. He may have underlying mental issues that he hasn't discovered yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluewhitegreen Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 How do you mean smackie9? Have you had any experience of this before? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I have had experiences with jealous BFs..... I always broke it off. It is very exhausting to be with someone like that. It's like walking on eggshells....waiting for the accusations. One of my experiences turned into abuse....I was a teenager. I learned not to tolerate it. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Yes, one lesson I learned the hard way is, "don't date fixer uppers". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluewhitegreen Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 haha pegnosepete. Whats a fixerupper? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 haha pegnosepete. Whats a fixerupper? Urban Dictionary to the rescue: Urban Dictionary: Fixer Upper Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluewhitegreen Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 The thing is when he goes quiet and sometimes moody towards me, he occasionally picks arguments, but when he does this I start to question whether I did something wrong. I mean I was married for 13 years and dumped and wanted love so I don't see nothing wrong with trying to find love again! Maybe I shouldn't of slept with them I don't know. He says it's because he loves me and hates the idea of me being intimate with anyone else. He,s had exes. I just don't know whether or not I should commit my future to him? Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 You should NOT commit to a future with him unless he can resolve this irrational retroactive jealousy (RJ). It can be a very difficult obsession to overcome, though, so while I would give him time to work on it, you may want to have in mind a timeframe to see improvement else you'll move on. If the RJ is not resolved, he can become controlling, try to limit your friendships and family access, not trust you to go out alone, obsess about the past and ask inappropriate questions, become moody and distant (which you've already seen), and even find ways to punish you for your perfectly normal and reasonable dating behavior prior to even knowing him. You certainly did nothing wrong, and you should not let him suggest you did or remain silent if he says you did. Short of therapy, I'm not sure you can do anything to help, other than NOT tell him anything more, and NOT repeat anything you've told him, and neither confirm nor deny anything he says or asks, as it will only feed his obsession. If the problem gets worse, I'd end the relationship immediately. If you can't make yourself do that, then turn it around on him and tell him you can't stand that he had prior relationships, and he's a bad person for having had them. A taste of his own medicine may help - but could easily backfire, so I really do NOT suggest trying this except as a very last resort, and only if you can't do the healthy thing and break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluewhitegreen Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Thanks Central that's brilliant advice. And your right it would lead to controlling but I don't allow it. He has actually told me to not answer any obsessional questions but sometimes he says he can't help himself. He has looked into retroactive jealousy and he says it is definitely that. He knows it's irrational. I want to help him but not sure how. His insecurities drive me to dispair sometimes and I have almost left him twice before. It's frustrating as I know he doesn't choose to be like this. Like I say I don't think dating 2 people in 2 years is particularly bad or slutty. I just don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Like I say I don't think dating 2 people in 2 years is particularly bad or slutty. It doesn't matter whether you dated or slept with 2 or 20 or 200. It's your life and your choice. He has no right to judge or punish you for decisions you made before you even knew him. If he thinks you acted too slutty before dating him, then he should dump you. There comes a time when one needs to cr*p or get off the pot. It's pretty irrational for him to stay with you, yet punish you for things in your past that you can't change. He needs therapy to fix this. There's unfortunately very little you, as an amateur psychologist, can do to help him, except to not make it worse. That means, don't feed his obsession. Don't minimize or defend yourself, as you've done in the above quote. Don't even discuss whether dating or sleeping with 2 or 20 people makes you slutty or not. Just having that discussion with him, even if you "win", justifies and rationalizes his obsessions. At the end of the day, your past is your past, and neither of you can change it. He needs to either accept it, or move on. Dealing with these issues will kill any joy you are getting from the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluewhitegreen Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Has anyone experienced retroactive jealousy in their relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted February 18, 2016 Share Posted February 18, 2016 (edited) Has anyone experienced retroactive jealousy in their relationship? My gf hasn't really told me a concrete number- likely because she doesn't know. She has been with no less than 25 and no more than 40. Do I have retrojealousy? A little is reasonable I'd say. For me, she was in a open marriage and I understand a lot about it. I'd say most of it was a learning experience and sewing wild oats. Most of my jealousy is the fact that I feel like she did a lot of what she did because she had such little respect for herself. That is the part that really gnaws at my tummy for some reason. The fact she let some douche convince her to yada yada yada... The thing is that you make a choice, you really do, to focus on it and let it get out of hand. It's a choice to let it go and look at your girl and see her for who she is at that moment. The pains experienced and the lessons learned are who made the girl you're attracted to, so as long as she's faithful to you, I don't think any man needs to be jealous of past relationships. Imagine that, she's been with 40 dudes before you, and none had a love more giving and warm to her, none knew her at the level you're going to (do already?). That's the best thing I could know. I'm in the 98th percentile, bitches. It's best to not apologize for your past or hide it. However, spare the details. "He's an old fling, was nothing serious" versus "He's an old fling, could **** like a stallion but was dumb as hamster". One is more likely to inspire jealousy. Edited February 18, 2016 by LoveRefreshed commas are everything Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2016 Share Posted February 18, 2016 When you hear "I just can't help myself" run as fast as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
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