I showed up unannounced for Valentine’s Day…..[UPDATED]

[JL34]

Looking for advice on how to proceed/follow up after showing up unannounced at ex’shome on Valentine’s Day which was also the 30 day mark she dumped me. I knew from reading these posts that it isnever a good idea to do such a thing but I figured she couldn’t dump me againand in light of the circumstances surrounding the BU, it might just work. Afterwards, I think it was fairly positive and don’t regret my decision at this point. Closure at the very least.

 

 

Here is a little background I posted in an earlier post:

 

My ex (30) broke up with me a month ago. We had been dating for 20 months and she felt as though I did not appreciate her enough. I have commitment issues and the several months before the breakup I pulled away, became cold, etc. – I am working with a therapist now to determine why I did this and to correct things. That said, when she wanted to talk about why I was “shutting down my emotions”the last night we were together, I said some harsh things, “not sure” if I still loved her, refused to see a therapist with her, and told her she would be better off dating an older guy with more money, etc. This was uncharacteristic of me and I never yelled, cheated, or lied to her during our time together. She left that evening after our conversation and I did not know we were broken upuntil three days later when my ex told my mother. I was never given a reason, she refused to speak to me, and the last contact was three weeks ago after I wrote her an apology letter - she thanked me for the letter and said she needed space to reflect and that she would contact me “if or when she is ready.” I respected her wishes to the extent of texts, calls, etc; However, I did send her another letter a week ago, at the request of my therapist, telling her what I am doing to get better - no response. That said, my ex did tell my mother aweek ago she was still very hurt, would listen but was not ready to talk to me,and that she tried for a couple months before the BU to get me to become moreappreciative and I did not. I do want her back, I love her very much, and havebeen doing everything I can to understand and correct my fear ofcommitment/love and shutting down emotionally.

 

 

Regarding Yesterday:

She lives in the next town over. I figured my only chance was to show up in the morning. So I picked up flowers, something small for her dog, and picked upcoffee and breakfast at her favorite place in town. I then knocked on her door….after waiting five minutes she came to the door and told me that she was late for work and asked what I wanted (she looked very mad). I told her I loved her and had some things I needed to say and I would only take 3-5 minutes and then would leave. She didn’t have to talk if she didn’t want to just listen.

 

Fortunately, she let me in, took the couple things I had, and stood with her arms crossed (not good) looking right at me. I then spilled my guts about being sorry, what I am doing to correct it, how much I loved her - very sincere. I ended it by asking for her forgiveness and requesting simply that she open up a line of communication with me – on her terms. Nothing about jumping back into a relationship - I said it wouldn't be fair to her and I was willing to go slow.

 

 

She had some tears in her eyes while I was speaking and shesaid she has to think about it by request to communicate. After that we hugged for several minutes - she squeezed me really hard.

 

 

Then, her entire demeanor changed. She began speaking to me asthough nothing happened, telling me about her life, whats going on, asking me about my life, etc. We laughed and I didn’t mention the relationship again. We drank the coffee I brought as well as the breakfast, and put the flowers in a vase together. Meeting lasted about an hour – she was really late for work and said she didn’t care. I got the feeling I would have stayed all day if it wasn't for work. She then gave me some leftovers of a meal she made the night before she knew I would like.]

 

 

After leaving and while walked to my car she came out and called me to her door to tell me I forgot my cup of coffee - it was just about empty so I left it. We looked at each other quite a bit and it was probably my opportunity to kiss her but didn’t.

 

 

That said, haven’t heard from her since and wonder what I should do next. I feel it could not have gone any better other than her agreeing to my quest to communicate of course. Should I send her a text tomorrow thanking her for the meal after I eat it. Or just let it go until I hear from her, if ever?

Edited February 15, 2016 by JL34

[266696687]

Looking for advice on how to proceed/follow up after showing up unannounced at ex’shome on Valentine’s Day which was also the 30 day mark she dumped me. I knew from reading these posts that it isnever a good idea to do such a thing but I figured she couldn’t dump me againand in light of the circumstances surrounding the BU, it might just work. Afterwards, I think it was fairly positive and don’t regret my decision at this point. Closure at the very least.

 

 

Here is a little background I posted in an earlier post:

 

My ex (30) broke up with me a month ago. We had been dating for 20 months and she felt as though I did not appreciate her enough. I have commitment issues and the several months before the breakup I pulled away, became cold, etc. – I am working with a therapist now to determine why I did this and to correct things. That said, when she wanted to talk about why I was “shutting down my emotions”the last night we were together, I said some harsh things, “not sure” if I still loved her, refused to see a therapist with her, and told her she would be better off dating an older guy with more money, etc. This was uncharacteristic of me and I never yelled, cheated, or lied to her during our time together. She left that evening after our conversation and I did not know we were broken upuntil three days later when my ex told my mother. I was never given a reason, she refused to speak to me, and the last contact was three weeks ago after I wrote her an apology letter - she thanked me for the letter and said she needed space to reflect and that she would contact me “if or when she is ready.” I respected her wishes to the extent of texts, calls, etc; However, I did send her another letter a week ago, at the request of my therapist, telling her what I am doing to get better - no response. That said, my ex did tell my mother aweek ago she was still very hurt, would listen but was not ready to talk to me,and that she tried for a couple months before the BU to get me to become moreappreciative and I did not. I do want her back, I love her very much, and havebeen doing everything I can to understand and correct my fear ofcommitment/love and shutting down emotionally.

 

 

Regarding Yesterday:

She lives in the next town over. I figured my only chance was to show up in the morning. So I picked up flowers, something small for her dog, and picked upcoffee and breakfast at her favorite place in town. I then knocked on her door….after waiting five minutes she came to the door and told me that she was late for work and asked what I wanted (she looked very mad). I told her I loved her and had some things I needed to say and I would only take 3-5 minutes and then would leave. She didn’t have to talk if she didn’t want to just listen.

 

Fortunately, she let me in, took the couple things I had, and stood with her arms crossed (not good) looking right at me. I then spilled my guts about being sorry, what I am doing to correct it, how much I loved her - very sincere. I ended it by asking for her forgiveness and requesting simply that she open up a line of communication with me – on her terms. Nothing about jumping back into a relationship - I said it wouldn't be fair to her and I was willing to go slow.

 

 

She had some tears in her eyes while I was speaking and shesaid she has to think about it by request to communicate. After that we hugged for several minutes - she squeezed me really hard.

 

 

Then, her entire demeanor changed. She began speaking to me asthough nothing happened, telling me about her life, whats going on, asking me about my life, etc. We laughed and I didn’t mention the relationship again. We drank the coffee I brought as well as the breakfast, and put the flowers in a vase together. Meeting lasted about an hour – she was really late for work and said she didn’t care. I got the feeling I would have stayed all day if it wasn't for work. She then gave me some leftovers of a meal she made the night before she knew I would like.]

 

 

After leaving and while walked to my car she came out and called me to her door to tell me I forgot my cup of coffee - it was just about empty so I left it. We looked at each other quite a bit and it was probably my opportunity to kiss her but didn’t.

 

 

That said, haven’t heard from her since and wonder what I should do next. I feel it could not have gone any better other than her agreeing to my quest to communicate of course. Should I send her a text tomorrow thanking her for the meal after I eat it. Or just let it go until I hear from her, if ever?

 

Sounds really positive from what you've said above.

 

How about asking her out on a date? Pick up the phone and ask her out. If you are looking for a reconciliation why not start back with the fun bits like dating and flirting. Call it a date, tell her you'd like to take her to dinner and that you think you two could have a great time ect. Be positive about it. She could be waiting to see what effort you are going to put in next and whether the changes you have implemented are sticking. So follow up and show her how you appreciate her.

 

If she says no then you can back off and let her come to you if / when she is ready.

 

But I'd say asking her out is worth a try after your positive interaction.

 

Good luck!

[b-Shock]

Wow. When I read the title of your post I laughed and thought, this will not end well. I agree with you, it doesn't sound like it could have gone any better. Sometimes taking a chance like this pays off.

 

You dated her for along time. Do you expect her to take the next step and contact you or do you think she is anticipating you making the next move?

[JL34]

Great question - I don't know. This is a woman that went complete radio silence a month ago. Although she broke up with me I feel the need to reach out to her given that she left me because I wasn't doing enough/showing affection.

 

 

The more I think about it, the more I think I should text her something simple and see if she responds. If so, then I try to talk to her on the phone, then ask her out. Baby steps....thoughts?

 

 

The one issue in the back of my mind I never discussed in the post is that I suspect is that this breakup is in part her wish to move back home (500 miles+ away). If that is the case I have no shot. The other issue is that yesterday ended on good terms could result in her wanting to move on as she wont feel as guilty.

[BC1980]

I'm gonna disagree with everyone. This is a mess. You don't show up at someone's house unannounced. A few weeks ago, you told this woman you weren't even sure if you loved her, and you show up yesterday and say you do love her. What is she supposed to believe? She might have been nice and flirty to your face, but, once she has had time to process this, she might be thinking differently.

 

The reality is that this woman told you she may be open to communication on her terms, but you decided not to respect that wish and, instead, showed up unannounced and forced communication. Yes, she could have turned you away, but it's difficult to do that to someone's face. Her demeanor morphed so quickly because she is grieving and confused. One minute, she's mad. The next minute, she is flirting and telling you about her life. That's a sign of a confused person.

 

I think you need to let her contact you first. You have said your piece, and she knows where you stand. She can decide if she wants to resume communication. When it comes down to it, all you are offering is an open line of communication, so she may not want that. You aren't really offering her very much. You aren't offering a relationship. When you break something down like that, you break trust, and it's d@mn hard to ever get that back.

[BC1980]

Great question - I don't know. This is a woman that went complete radio silence a month ago. Although she broke up with me I feel the need to reach out to her given that she left me because I wasn't doing enough/showing affection.

 

 

The more I think about it, the more I think I should text her something simple and see if she responds. If so, then I try to talk to her on the phone, then ask her out. Baby steps....thoughts?

 

The time to show her affection was during the relationship. Now is not the appropriate time to show affection or attention. It comes off as a Hail Mary and as insincere. Most likely, the attention will be confusing and unwanted.

 

Didn't she tell you that she would need to think about opening a line of communication? She needs time to process this and think. You are thinking of texting someone who has not even agreed to talk to you.

[Satu]

Thats a lot of attention to pay to somebody who is emphatic about the fact that they don't want to be with you.

 

I found it embarrassing to read, if I'm honest.

 

Show affection whilst you're actually in a relationship, and its wanted.

Edited February 15, 2016 by Satu

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree with BC1980. I mean, your gesture went well in the fact that you didn't get the cops called on you or cause a scene, but I think you need to let her digest things. She said she needs to think, so let her think and let her come to the conclusion on her own without you prodding with texts.

[266696687]

Great question - I don't know. This is a woman that went complete radio silence a month ago. Although she broke up with me I feel the need to reach out to her given that she left me because I wasn't doing enough/showing affection.

 

 

The more I think about it, the more I think I should text her something simple and see if she responds. If so, then I try to talk to her on the phone, then ask her out. Baby steps....thoughts?

 

 

The one issue in the back of my mind I never discussed in the post is that I suspect is that this breakup is in part her wish to move back home (500 miles+ away). If that is the case I have no shot. The other issue is that yesterday ended on good terms could result in her wanting to move on as she wont feel as guilty.

 

The thing is I don't agree that she dumped you in the situation you described above. Even though she walked away she essentially did so because you forced her too. You dumped her by telling her you didn't love her anymore, were cold and distant with her, had commitment issues, didn't appreciate her. In my book telling her those things was essentially you dumping her you left her no choice but to leave. Who would stick around for someone who's told you they don't love and appreciate you.? She wanted to work on the relationship with a therapist you refused. This all sounds like you dumped her to me.

 

If you feel your behaviour was a mistake and want an opportunity to reconcile then you need to put in some effort and show her that your behaviour in the relationship will be more positive going forward.

 

I still think you should ask her out on a date.

 

If she does turn you down you can back away (and begin the process of moving on) but if you don't take a chance you'll never know. At least if she turns you down you'll have a better understanding of where you stand. At the moment you are sort of in limbo waiting or wondering.

Edited February 15, 2016 by 266696687

[266696687]

I'm gonna disagree with everyone. This is a mess. You don't show up at someone's house unannounced. A few weeks ago, you told this woman you weren't even sure if you loved her, and you show up yesterday and say you do love her. What is she supposed to believe? She might have been nice and flirty to your face, but, once she has had time to process this, she might be thinking differently.

 

The reality is that this woman told you she may be open to communication on her terms, but you decided not to respect that wish and, instead, showed up unannounced and forced communication. Yes, she could have turned you away, but it's difficult to do that to someone's face. Her demeanor morphed so quickly because she is grieving and confused. One minute, she's mad. The next minute, she is flirting and telling you about her life. That's a sign of a confused person.

 

I think you need to let her contact you first. You have said your piece, and she knows where you stand. She can decide if she wants to resume communication. When it comes down to it, all you are offering is an open line of communication, so she may not want that. You aren't really offering her very much. You aren't offering a relationship. When you break something down like that, you break trust, and it's d@mn hard to ever get that back.

 

I agree with you for the most part. I see her more as the dumpee in this situation though and I don't feel like she should be the one trying to initiate contact. I think the OP needs to make the effort for a reconciliation if he is sure that is what he wants. He needs to show her is willing to prove all the things he told her on VD.

 

If he truly loves her and wants her back I think he should be the one putting in the effort but only if he wants her back in a relationship.

Edited February 15, 2016 by 266696687

[266696687]

 

The more I think about it, the more I think I should text her something simple and see if she responds. If so, then I try to talk to her on the phone, then ask her out. Baby steps....thoughts?

 

 

.

 

No not baby steps at all. Not small talk and chit chat. While you are sussing her out making general conversation she will be trying to guess your intentions. This causes misunderstandings and miscommunications.

 

The best way to play it is clear, direct and honest.

 

Tell her you made a mistake, that you want to work on the relationship take her out on dates again to show her you are willing to put in the time to prove you meant what you said.

 

When an ex gets in touch it is very difficult to suss out their reasons for reaching out. Do they want to be friends? Looking for sex ect. It is always better to be direct when you are hoping to reconcile to avoid her questioning your intentions. Be up front. Give her some time to respond.

[JL34]

BC - thank you for the reality check. I would like to point out however, that she said she would think about opening up a line of communication only after I met with her yesterday. The optimist in me is reminded that she never told me not to contact her.

 

I did tell her yesterday that I always loved her and never meant what I said - it was because I was hurt/afraid and defensive.

 

Another point I forgot to mention, when I saw her yesterday I told her while we were hugging that it made my Valentine's Day. She said the same thing in return. I just don't think she would say that if she didn't mean it. She's too smart for that.

 

That all said, I went with my gut instead of my head this afternoon.... I sent her a text thanking her for the food she gave me (ate it for lunch) and that I hope she is careful given the freezing rain/snow we received this afternoon. If she doesn't respond, then it's a pretty good indicator in my opinion.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I'd be careful about reading too much into any of that stuff. The stuff about her never telling you not to contact her is irrelevant -- I've only had one ex tell me that, and that's because I went pretty hardcore in trying to get her back (I was 18 at the time). As for the Valentine's Day thing -- she could have easily been caught up in the moment.

 

And the text was a bit too breadcrumby. If you are going to text (and I think you should let things marinate for a while before you do), don't dance around it. Be direct.

[BC1980]

BC - thank you for the reality check. I would like to point out however, that she said she would think about opening up a line of communication only after I met with her yesterday. The optimist in me is reminded that she never told me not to contact her.

 

I did tell her yesterday that I always loved her and never meant what I said - it was because I was hurt/afraid and defensive.

 

Another point I forgot to mention, when I saw her yesterday I told her while we were hugging that it made my Valentine's Day. She said the same thing in return. I just don't think she would say that if she didn't mean it. She's too smart for that.

 

That all said, I went with my gut instead of my head this afternoon.... I sent her a text thanking her for the food she gave me (ate it for lunch) and that I hope she is careful given the freezing rain/snow we received this afternoon. If she doesn't respond, then it's a pretty good indicator in my opinion.

 

I agree with Simon. You need to be clear about what you are looking to get out of resuming contact with her. As someone else mentioned, she is kinda a forced dumper, and, in my opinion, you have been confusing about your feelings. A month ago, you didn't love her and had commitment issues. Now, suddenly, you have always loved her, and I'm guessing you want her back. You've got to look at it from her POV.

 

I'd also caution you to be careful about reading too much into what people say. People say a lot of things in the moment, and they may very well mean them at the time. But can they back up those sentiments when the time comes?

 

Has she texted you back?

[JL34]

Thank you for the advice - tempering my expectations is important.

 

Yes she returned my text a little bit ago. She said, "your welcome".

 

I am not going to jump up and down but considering where I was several weeks ago, I'll take that as more positive than negative. I sent a very short response but don't expect a response.

 

What to do now? I think I sit on it for several days and reach out again. Thoughts? If or when, she starts giving me better responses, I will call her.

[Simon Phoenix]

Meh, a "you're welcome" was simply polite. She intentionally made that close-ended.

[JL34]

I don't disagree. However, she responded which is something she hasn't done before. I've got my work cut out - no doubt. It's going to take patience, timing persistence and sone luck. More importantly, I've got to show her I want her back without pushing her (hardest part). I still believe showing up unannounced was a good thing. Now I have to come up with my next move.

[266696687]

I don't disagree. However, she responded which is something she hasn't done before. I've got my work cut out - no doubt. It's going to take patience, timing persistence and sone luck. More importantly, I've got to show her I want her back without pushing her (hardest part). I still believe showing up unannounced was a good thing. Now I have to come up with my next move.

 

 

I think you was lucky to get any response from her because the message you sent her was pretty much a breadcrumb.

 

I think you should wait a few days before making any other moves however don't play games by trying to be persistent and timing your interactions ect.

 

You need to lay your cards on the table clearly, directly and honestly. Yes you risk getting burned and having her turn your offer for reconciliation down but if you continue to contact her with breadcrumbs (trying to be friendly) she may not react well to it as it will be toying with her emotions or she may misread your intentions as trying to be civil or friends. You need to take a risk and tell her you made a mistake.

[angel.eyes]

What are some of her interests? What does she enjoy doing?

 

Since she had mentioned you were unappreciative, suggest a date around one of her interests.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't disagree. However, she responded which is something she hasn't done before. I've got my work cut out - no doubt. It's going to take patience, timing persistence and sone luck. More importantly, I've got to show her I want her back without pushing her (hardest part). I still believe showing up unannounced was a good thing. Now I have to come up with my next move.

 

Way too much strategizing here. This will not end well if you continue to have this mindset. Just relax, leave her be and let her come to you if she chooses. You told her your feelings -- let her think about them without trying to "game" her.

 

Timing has nothing to do with it. Persistence is more likely to sink your ship than help you. It's up to her to decide if she wants you. You have to accept that and stop trying to "make moves". Feelings aren't logical and they can't be built with a set process. They aren't a desk from IKEA.

[266696687]

Timing has nothing to do with it. Persistence is more likely to sink your ship than help you. It's up to her to decide if she wants you. You have to accept that and stop trying to "make moves". Feelings aren't logical and they can't be built with a set process. They aren't a desk from IKEA.

 

Loving all the metaphors here! Very nicely worded.

[JL34]

I'm listening and appreciate your points; however, unlike most dumpees, I caused this ship to sink due to inaction in the several months leading up to the BU and I need to make the moves. She told my mother she wanted to feel appreciated and needed more from me. I became cold and aloof. I will not do that again and I don't think sitting back waiting is the best in this case. I think I need to reach out while treading very softly. Not necessarily strategize but I do need a plan.

[266696687]

I'm listening and appreciate your points; however, unlike most dumpees, I caused this ship to sink due to inaction in the several months leading up to the BU and I need to make the moves. She told my mother she wanted to feel appreciated and needed more from me. I became cold and aloof. I will not do that again and I don't think sitting back waiting is the best in this case. I think I need to reach out while treading very softly. Not necessarily strategize but I do need a plan.

 

No one has asked you to sit back and wait. You told her your feelings on VD. As Simon suggested above give her a few days to digest this before making any further moves.

 

I think you are responsible for keeping the communications going however not by dropping breadcrumbs to test and see how she reacts (if you do this it will not end well).

 

A few of us have suggested in a few days time that you ask her out on a date while making your intentions to reconcile clear by telling her clearly that you want another chance. You can do this on the date or prior to it if she accepts.

 

Making up strategies in your head and trying to time your interactions or being persistent is not going to help you. The only thing that may work in your favour is being clear and direct. You made a mistake and want to try again.

 

And yes I agree with you you are not the dumpee in this situation therefore you are responsible for trying to fix the relationship if that's what you want.

 

Trying to 'sneak' back into her life by treading softly and dropping friendly texts may well backfire on you. Clear and direct communication is the only thing that saves relationships.

Edited February 16, 2016 by 266696687
Added more.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm listening and appreciate your points; however, unlike most dumpees, I caused this ship to sink due to inaction in the several months leading up to the BU and I need to make the moves. She told my mother she wanted to feel appreciated and needed more from me. I became cold and aloof. I will not do that again and I don't think sitting back waiting is the best in this case. I think I need to reach out while treading very softly. Not necessarily strategize but I do need a plan.

 

Her refinding feelings from you does not need a plan. It needs her to find them for you in a genuine manner and it does not need you to come up with a strategy to "hustle" her. That's what it sounds like you want to do. A full-court press, or "relaxed persistence" is a game. You need to be direct, be real, and let her decide what she wants to do without you meddling with that. Stop all of this plotting, planning, and strategy and just be real.

 

There isn't a formula. You need to be honest and stop the game playing and you need to respect her ability to make a decision on her own valor. Stop the breadcrumbs, stop trying to divide by zero, just be honest.

 

And honestly, have you really been away from her long enough to actually make changes, or are these a knee-jerk reaction to her cutting the cord? A lot of people promise the sun, moon and stars in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, just to revert to their old selves once they get comfortable with the relationship again. You've told her what you intend to do -- now do it WITHOUT HER. If she's truly interested, she'll check in on your progress. But real change takes months, not weeks. It's good you want to change, but it's a lot easier to say you're going to change than to actually change.

 

Basically, be direct, honest, real, and let her decide for herself as an adult. Respect her ability to make her own decision without constantly "selling" her or "planting" seeds.

[JL34]

Appreciate the message. I just want to let the record reflect, since she left I've sent 4 text messages, a letter, one missed call and an email. All of this was the first week and a half after the BU and a majority before I knew she broke up with me. On the scale of crazy ex, I think that's fairly low regarding contact.

 

That said, I agree I can't force her, or anyone, into loving me. Nor would I want such a thing. I was looking at my text today for what it was - a thank you for the meal she gave me to eat today. I didn't force her into talking about how she felt or about the relationship.

 

Maybe part of my problem is that she Never told me she wanted to break up or why. Other than saying she needed the dreaded "space" three weeks ago via text - I was told zilch. Now, I recognize this is just the way it is with some breakups but I have been kept in the dark. To further confuse me, she still has my stuff, is using my parking pass (cost me 150 bucks so far), or ever told me she wanted me to move on. Rather, she text me, "I want you to be happy".