LivingWaterPlease Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Next time you contact her, call her instead of texting. Texting in your circumstances at this point is breadcrumby (breadcrummy, actually), imo. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 No one has accused you of being the crazy ex, though no more letters, those are bad. But if you're going to communicate, then communicate -- don't send bulls--t little feelers. State your purpose clearly, then back off. Let her think about it without your pressure. And if you get an answer you don't want to hear, then respect and accept it. From her perspective, your thank you, and the resulting response from her "you're welcome" response, seems more like a ploy than anything genuine, which is why you got a short, closed-ended response. And exes aren't going to line up a list of reasons for their breakup like they are trying to prove their case in front of a jury. The fact that they broke up with you is reason enough for them -- they don't have to have a PowerPoint presentation highlighting why. And "I want you to be happy" doesn't mean she wants you to be happy with her necessarily. It's a way to try to be "nice" about the breakup. Either way, no more "feeling out", no more "games". It sounds like you've said your peace to her, so back off. If you must contact her again, be direct, ask her out, but be prepared for her to say no and respect it if she does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
266696687 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 (edited) Maybe part of my problem is that she Never told me she wanted to break up or why. Other than saying she needed the dreaded "space" three weeks ago via text - I was told zilch. Now, I recognize this is just the way it is with some breakups but I have been kept in the dark. To further confuse me, she still has my stuff, is using my parking pass (cost me 150 bucks so far), or ever told me she wanted me to move on. Rather, she text me, "I want you to be happy". You haven't been kept in the dark. You told her you didn't love her anymore. That is the reason she left. That is the reason you are no longer together. She offered you therapy, you declined. You were distant and withdrawn from the relationship. You didn't want to commit. How much more explanation do you want? She left because you made her. You are fully aware of the reasons she left. You stated them clearly in your first post. You ended this relationship. You have no reason to be confused. Who would stay in a relationship with a man who has told you he doesn't love you, won't commit and won't work on the relationship. Did you really expect her to stay? She did the right thing in my book. Edited February 17, 2016 by 266696687 3 Link to post Share on other sites
b-Shock Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Alright, dude. What's the update? The weekend is here. Have you asked her to go out with you yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 Okay. I'm going to ask you a honest question and I hope you'll think it over and answer it honestly within yourself. Are you going after this second chance because you genuinely, through and through, LOVE her and want to marry her, have a family with her, etc.? OR, because in walking away from the relationship she took away your sense of control? People who are commitment-phobic have developed the ability to hold people at arm's length emotionally as a defense against being abandoned. Defenses are about controlling your environment. If you remain emotionally disinvested, the logic of a commitment-phobe says, then you can't be hurt because you never took a risk to love. You never had to leave your comfort zone. The usual dynamic in a partnership where one person is emotionally unavailable is for the other person to be OVERLY invested in finally winning the emotionally unavailable person's love. This has the alternative effect of further pushing the emotionally unavailable person away and at that point it becomes a control game of "push-pull." What your ex did was to cut that game off and stop "pulling." She left you with nothing to "push" against. She took away this one form of control you had. So this is where I'm coming from when I ask you, honestly: is this about control, what you are doing now, or about love? I'll tell you this: a few weeks or months of therapy can't make much of a dent in reversing commitment-phobia, since commitment-phobia is a result of a thicket of childhood influences and experiences and it becomes, as one matures into adulthood, a central pillar in the architecture of a person's psyche. It can take YEARS of therapy to work through all those defenses that culminate in commitment-phobia. If you are going to chase after her and get her to once again open her heart to you, you'd better be DAM*ED sure this is what you want. The prize, once won, looks like this: She will love you. She will want to spend time with you, and plan things with you. Fun things, like trips and little adventures...but also more weighty things, like your future together. She will expect you to be emotionally available, to be able to be present through conflict and committed to working it through with her. She will expect you to be vulnerable with her, to let your guard down and be real with your feelings both to yourself and to her. She will expect to see some initiative from YOU regarding the planning of your future together. She will expect these things because these are the things people expect of one another when they are in an intimate relationship. This is normal in your normal, healthy intimate relationship...but now, because of your history together, you're going to have this added ingredient: She is going to be expecting all these things and all the while in the back of her mind is a fear that you will end up treating her as you did before. I guarantee you one does not recover easily from an intimate partner saying, "I don't love you anymore," even if it was said in anger and not really meant. This means that when you do as normal humans do and fail to meet her expectations, she will be more apt to get immediately upset and anxious. And THIS means that you are going to have to be much more on your toes emotionally than the average bear. To be clear what this means: you are going to have to actually be BETTER THAN AVERAGE at this thing at which to date you have proven to be WORSE THAN AVERAGE. You need to ask yourself if this will be possible for you. It's not impossible; I'm not suggesting that; but I am urging you to be realistic about the amount of work this is going to take on your part. I fear that right now you might just be focused on the high you are going to get if you manage to win her back. The high is just a transitory thing; then comes a great deal of work and having to face a whole string of painful truths about yourself in therapy as you continue to unblock yourself from making a commitment. You are going to have to make a serious commitment to making a commitment--that's like a double-decker cheeseburger of difficult stuff to accomplish. Are you up for this, OP? If not, then leave this poor woman alone to find someone who has fewer hangups about commitment and intimacy. Without doing one thing more, you already have put her through enough. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JL34 Posted March 19, 2016 Author Share Posted March 19, 2016 (edited) Just a follow up. A week after we met I left her a voicemail message since she didn't answer my call. I asked if we could meet, and if she would give me the decency of knowing where we stand. I also told her that I loved her and her not responding at all was hurting me. A day later she sent me a text, "move on". Very harsh in my opinion but I respected her decision and never contacted her again until today. The reason I contacted her was because she continued to use my toll pass - despite telling me she wouldn't. She charged over $80 the last two weeks. I got the bill yesterday and it shocked me. That said, I sent her via text, "cancelled the toll pass." I figured I'd take the high road. Her use was intentionslly done to hurt me. Quite shocking. I don't know why she would do such a thing. That said, I don't feel as bad now. I think she is very immature On another note, since the break up I've continued seeing a therapist each week and feel so much better working on my emotional unavailability. I feel like a different person and look forward to the next relationship. << moderator note: please see this thread for more information: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/569496-ex-still-using-my-stuff-month-after-she-dumped-me >> Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator added link to thread about the toll pass ~6 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 That was cruel of her. Well done for seeking therapy and I hope you feel better soon. You'll find a suitable lady in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 (edited) Just a follow up. A week after we met I left her a voicemail message since she didn't answer my call. I asked if we could meet, and if she would give me the decency of knowing where we stand. I also told her that I loved her and her not responding at all was hurting me. A day later she sent me a text, "move on". Very harsh in my opinion but I respected her decision and never contacted her again until today. The reason I contacted her was because she continued to use my toll pass - despite telling me she wouldn't. She charged over $80 the last two weeks. I got the bill yesterday and it shocked me. That said, I sent her via text, "cancelled the toll pass." I figured I'd take the high road. Her use was intentionslly done to hurt me. Quite shocking. I don't know why she would do such a thing. That said, I don't feel as bad now. I think she is very immature On another note, since the break up I've continued seeing a therapist each week and feel so much better working on my emotional unavailability. I feel like a different person and look forward to the next relationship. Good for you. Charging up 80.00 on the toll pass was downright nasty on her end. You'll probably never see that money back. It's amazing how nasty people can become over money when they breakup. My grandfather bought my ex's wedding band for our wedding present. Since my ex broke it off, I felt he should have at least tried to sell the ring back to repay my grandfather. Technically, it was a gift, but it was given in the good faith that we were getting married. We also bought the ring at the jewelry store where my grandfather works. I guess the thing that annoyed me is my ex is a physician and makes a good bit of money. He could have well afforded to pay my grandfather back for the ring. I also felt like it was kind of nasty that he never even attempted to do so. Edited March 20, 2016 by BC1980 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 From your other thread: “That said, when she wanted to talk about why I was “shutting down my emotions” the last night we were together, I said some harsh things, “not sure” if I still loved her, refused to see a therapist with her, and told her she would be better off dating an older guy with more money, etc.” Don’t forget your harshness toward her and that that was when she broke up with you- or did you break up with her? It wasn’t just your coldness and aloofness. Your harshness hurt her and writing that off as unimportant is a second hurting of her. Then you kept contacting her after she asked you not to. It’s great that you’re going to a therapist but it’s important that you give him or her all of this part ^^ of the story too so you can really work through what happened. I’m glad you got your car thing back. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JL34 Posted March 20, 2016 Author Share Posted March 20, 2016 Thank you for the response. The therapist is aware and I've since learned why I said that and how to better deal with me emotions in the future. With regard to the contact, once she sent me the move on text I never contacted her again. She was the one that began using the pass two weeks after. I just noticed she charged another 17 bucks on Friday (cancelled it Saturday) My question is why would she do that. She dumped me. Attention? She want a response? Just one more jab??? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 I'll repost my response from the other thread. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does it matter? What's the point? I mean, it could be a variety of things. Heck, she might have tried it just to see if it still worked, noticed it worked and figured "what the heck, might as well take advantage" and continued to do it. It's kind of like when the cable company accidentally gives you free premium channels -- you inevitably keep watching them until they fix the glitch. Either way, you're going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure this out. It's not worth thinking about. You've fixed the glitch, it's over. People enjoy free stuff. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 My question is why would she do that. She dumped me. Attention? She want a response? Just one more jab??? My guess is none of the above or maybe one more jab. She probably figures why not, free toll passage. It could be a mild form of revenge but I wouldn't dwell on it. You've cancelled it now so she can't charge any more to it. Pay the bill and be done with her. Escalating anything related to a toll transponder is only going to make things worse. To help get yourself over her, I would focus on how petty and ridiculous and lacking in character continued use of the transponder was. Do you want to be with someone like that? I once dated a woman that would steal bags of ice from outside convenience stores and she thought it was funny. I thought she was an idiot for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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