Is my relationship with a married man over

[Catwoman61]

Hi, I am new here. I know this isn't the right thing to do and please don't judge me but I need some sound advice. I have been seeing a married man for the past eight years. I met him after my Mum had died and he helped get me out of the black hole, we started off as a friends but then soon started an affair. Its been a rollercoaster ride along the years.

At first he was going to leave home for me but then he decided he couldn't do it and I got to the stage, which I am at now, where I am happy with seeing him as I do without full commitment. I have been married twice myself and am happy living on my own but I have enjoyed my relationship with him.

 

 

To cut a long story short, over the years he has had episodes of feeling guilty. His wife found out about us early on and since then he has done his best to passify her that he's no longer seeing me and she has always forgiven him. We manage to keep our liaisons as secret as we can but there have been times when she has found out again or he has just felt guilty anyway and tried to end it with me and advised me to move on but then he's always come back.

 

 

Anyway now it has happened again. His wife saw one of my texts on his phone and the crap has hit the fan again. He's talked his way out of it as usual but now he said he has made his mind up and he can't carry on with our affair. We are in touch by text and we met on Saturday for a coffee when he gave me a Valentine card and gave me vibes that he was back tracking again but since then he's gone off the boil and said he can't see much point in us keeping in touch. Part of me hopes he will come round again but I still feel so upset. Eight years is a long time to be with someone, I know its not been an honest relationship and I do have feelings for his wife, after all I have in the past been the wronged wife during my second marriage so I know how she feels but I can't help my feelings for him.

 

 

I now feel so alone relationship wise. When I met him I had a good male friend, there was nothing romantic on my side but once I met this married man he admitted that he wanted more with me and said he could only be with me if I dumped the married man which I couldn't do, he has since married someone else and I know I could have never fancied him but I feel I lost his friendship through my affair.

 

 

There is a also a man I have been in touch with for years, I went out with him in the eighties. I used to really want him and at one time he was free to be with me as I was with him, he had plenty of opportunities to be with me before I met this married man but then I met him and thought why not go for it as he's not going to make a move, so he's now met someone else, telling me that I pushed him away to be with this married man which is not the case, yet he is still in touch with me and still wanting to come round to my flat, but he's not prepared to take me out and do anything with me like he does with this woman he is seeing and I find that frustrating. I feel so lost. I have plenty of friends and am close to my brother and his wife (both our parents are now dead) but I still fear I will end up alone.

 

 

I am 54 and have a good job, recently promoted, but I dread retirement in the future because I can't cope with not being at work as I think about things too much and get stressed.

 

 

Can someone please give me some advice?

[gettingstronger]

Seems like man #1 is not going to leave his wife, you missed out on man #2 because of man #1- now would be a good time to free yourself from both so that when man #3 comes in to your life, you are ready-

[Trishern]

I think you really need to see that there are other options than living the life you are right now as a mistress. It' hurting his wife and she has forgiven him so many times...... best to leave them to it.

 

 

There are single men your age also looking for love after divorce. There are so many different websites these days.

 

 

Live an authentic life and stop being involved in his infidelity.

 

 

Mrs. T

[AngeliqueC]

((Hugs)). I understand. 54 this year myself; married twice; 1st h cheated/is gay, 2nd was substance abuser & violent; officially divorced for 24 years this May. Been with MM most of those years (over 20!). We've raised my 2 kids (29 & 34) together, seen them married, have a grandson we adore, shared bank accounts, vacationed (with our pets!), buried both our dads (his w wouldn't go to where his dad was living out his last days; I did).

 

His w has never let on any suspicions or asked any questions. (No, they don't have any children.)

 

I understand being comfortable to a large degree with the situation. And I understand the devastation of losing not simply a lover, but a best friend and partner in life.

 

No real quick cure advice. I would think its like getting past a divorce you didn't want - you have to grieve the loss. Immerse yourself in hobbies, find companionship in friends, don't look for another romantic partner right away. ((Hugs))

Edited February 15, 2016 by AngeliqueC