Be the kind of person you want to be

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'd like to share something that happened yesterday. The people I had in mind when I thought of this are guys who are always wondering if 'their play' is the wrong one ... "Where do I take her to dinner? What do I say? What do I wear? Is my dating profile bad or wrong? How do I not $%^ up?", but applies to everyone, women too.

 

I'm talking to two women. Woman #1 I have been on a few dates with and she has been responding, but with no initiation whatsoever. She has always agreed to meet me though and we have a good time and a lot to talk about and at this point have spent many hours in each other's presence. She seems like the type that might reject me for 'making the wrong move' or doing something unintentionally unchivalrous or unmasculine ... turn her off if you will.

 

Woman #2 I have never even met and have passed a couple of messages online, and seem to be similar people in terms of goals and how we treat others. But again, never met or talked live.

 

So, I was thinking over the weekend whether I should wish Woman #1 a Happy Valentines Day. And I thought it would be too early, too awkward, we're not romantic yet. Then you know what happened? Woman #2 wished ME a Happy Valentines Day!

 

And then I texted Woman #1 and wished her a Happy Valentines Day. Because I decided I want to be the guy who will say that to someone regardless of 'romantic standing'. Might that have wierded out Woman #1 and cost me? Maybe. So be it. That's the kind of guy I want to be.

 

It's more important to be the kind of person you want to be than to get women by making the right moves. If you want to take a woman to coffee on a first date because you are a laid back kind of dude, then goddammit, take her to coffee. If you like your dating profile the way it is, you like your jokes, and your humor, then keep it. If you like doing good things for people, but are afraid of being seen as too wimpy or non-masculine, don't be. Be proud to be a nice guy.

 

And women too. You will attract the type of person you are by being yourself. And if you don't attract anybody, #$%^ it. As long as you are proud of who you are.

Edited February 15, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[40daysforthen253]

love the post. thanks

[Gold Pile]

But my false personality scores more than my "real me" personality

[BlueIris]

I agree, JuneJulySeptember. Good post. Be yourself, happily. If someone doesn’t like you as you are, it’s best to know early.

[ZA Dater]

I'd like to share something that happened yesterday. The people I had in mind when I thought of this are guys who are always wondering if 'their play' is the wrong one ... "Where do I take her to dinner? What do I say? What do I wear? Is my dating profile bad or wrong? How do I not $%^ up?", but applies to everyone, women too.

 

I'm talking to two women. Woman #1 I have been on a few dates with and she has been responding, but with no initiation whatsoever. She has always agreed to meet me though and we have a good time and a lot to talk about and at this point have spent many hours in each other's presence. She seems like the type that might reject me for 'making the wrong move' or doing something unintentionally unchivalrous or unmasculine ... turn her off if you will.

 

Woman #2 I have never even met and have passed a couple of messages online, and seem to be similar people in terms of goals and how we treat others. But again, never met or talked live.

 

So, I was thinking over the weekend whether I should wish Woman #1 a Happy Valentines Day. And I thought it would be too early, too awkward, we're not romantic yet. Then you know what happened? Woman #2 wished ME a Happy Valentines Day!

 

And then I texted Woman #1 and wished her a Happy Valentines Day. Because I decided I want to be the guy who will say that to someone regardless of 'romantic standing'. Might that have wierded out Woman #1 and cost me? Maybe. So be it. That's the kind of guy I want to be.

 

It's more important to be the kind of person you want to be than to get women by making the right moves. If you want to take a woman to coffee on a first date because you are a laid back kind of dude, then goddammit, take her to coffee. If you like your dating profile the way it is, you like your jokes, and your humor, then keep it. If you like doing good things for people, but are afraid of being seen as too wimpy or non-masculine, don't be. Be proud to be a nice guy.

 

And women too. You will attract the type of person you are by being yourself. And if you don't attract anybody, #$%^ it. As long as you are proud of who you are.

 

Some great inspiration there, thanks for sharing. Sadly the often preached mantra is portray false confidence.

[olivebranch]

I really couldn't agree more. The truth will come out eventually and who cares if I hook someone by not being myself- they wouldn't really care about me anyway, because they wouldn't even know the real me.

 

All the dating advice and relationship advice... All of the books and games are an utter waste. No fun in any of that sh*t. Nothing real, nothing honorable, nothing worth anyone's time.

 

There is wisdom in being a decent human and treating others and ourselves well, and being compassionate and abiding by God's rules. Other than that... Good boundaries and always working on one's own self. Anything extra is false living.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I really couldn't agree more. The truth will come out eventually and who cares if I hook someone by not being myself- they wouldn't really care about me anyway, because they wouldn't even know the real me.

 

All the dating advice and relationship advice... All of the books and games are an utter waste. No fun in any of that sh*t. Nothing real, nothing honorable, nothing worth anyone's time.

 

There is wisdom in being a decent human and treating others and ourselves well, and being compassionate and abiding by God's rules. Other than that... Good boundaries and always working on one's own self. Anything extra is false living.

 

Seems this thread has just countered every other "how to win a woman over/get a date/approach a woman" thread on LS.

[hasaquestion]

I really couldn't agree more. The truth will come out eventually and who cares if I hook someone by not being myself- they wouldn't really care about me anyway, because they wouldn't even know the real me.

 

All the dating advice and relationship advice... All of the books and games are an utter waste. No fun in any of that sh*t. Nothing real, nothing honorable, nothing worth anyone's time.

 

There is wisdom in being a decent human and treating others and ourselves well, and being compassionate and abiding by God's rules. Other than that... Good boundaries and always working on one's own self. Anything extra is false living.

 

That is a great outlook on life. But both genders have to be willing to accept the corollary - that you can't complain if others don't like the person you want to be.

[BlueIris]

That is a great outlook on life. But both genders have to be willing to accept the corollary - that you can't complain if others don't like the person you want to be.

 

People complain no matter what. Nothing you can do about that.

[Melrapuo]

But my false personality scores more than my "real me" personality

 

Are you scoring with the type of people you actually want to be with, or just with the type of people it attracts?

[normal person]

 

It's more important to be the kind of person you want to be than to get women by making the right moves. If you want to take a woman to coffee on a first date because you are a laid back kind of dude, then goddammit, take her to coffee. If you like your dating profile the way it is, you like your jokes, and your humor, then keep it. If you like doing good things for people, but are afraid of being seen as too wimpy or non-masculine, don't be. Be proud to be a nice guy.

 

And women too. You will attract the type of person you are by being yourself. And if you don't attract anybody, #$%^ it. As long as you are proud of who you are.

 

I think it's a bit more complex than this. There's something to be said about being yourself and maintaining integrity, plus your tendencies and behaviors are likely set once you reach dating age. However just "being yourself" isn't a magic bullet for a lot of people. They have issues dating because the person they are might just not be so appealing. It's a hard truth. There are limits to what's socially desirable and acceptable.

 

I always see threads on here started by people who have trouble with their relationship, with dating in general, or whatever. A lot of the time they're having trouble because "being themselves" and acting on their own instincts just hasn't been getting the job done. People will chime into these threads with plenty of suggestions about what to do differently. So while I think there's a very satisfying feeling to just being yourself, to think that everyone is just fine, appealing, and attractive as is would be misleading and an oversimplification. If it were just that easy, this forum probably wouldn't exist. People seek advice because whether they're conscious of it or not, they value advice or a resolution to their interpersonal problem more than they do their current "self" or situation. And that advice or answer is often "change something about yourself or your process."

 

No one's perfect, no one knows everything, and everyone can always make more of an effort to improve themselves or calibrate themselves to social norms. Example: being overweight is widely seen as unattractive. If someone was overweight because they liked eating a lot, but had trouble dating, you wouldn't say "just continue being fat, it's who you are. Food is what you like. Be proud of it." You'd tell them to compromise, step out of their comfort zone, and get their butt into the gym. Everyone likes eating. Few people like getting their butt kicked in the gym. But people have to make compromises if they put a higher value on attaining something greater rather than stagnating in their current state of self. Keep in mind the people who come here looking for help without the willingness to compromise things about themselves are the ones we all shake our heads at.

 

Being yourself is great until it doesn't yield you the things you'd rather have in life.

Women like money? Work to be successful then, if you want a woman more than you like working at Foot Locker. Women like guys who are in shape? Work to get in shape then, if you want a woman more than you like sitting around watching Netflix. Progress is usually made when we push ourselves out of complacency, not settle in it. To a whatever the degree, most people have to adjust themselves to the world, not expect the world to adjust to them.

[xxoo]

By all means, embrace who you are and shine! Being confident about who you are is attractive.

[Wewon]

I totally agree with this post. Its not just being true to yourself, its one of the best ways to weed out someone that isn't going to be a match.

[SpiralOut]

I agree completely. The truth is going to come out eventually. Nobody wants to date someone they really like, only to suddenly realize months later that they are not really the person they presented themselves to be. Better to just be yourself.

[Satu]

"To be or not to be," isn't the question...

 

"To be, or to appear to be," is the question.

 

 

Be exactly the same person on the inside and the outside.

[preraph]

People who just want to get laid pretend to be someone they're not to get what they want. People who are looking for love and are smart realize that you can't find the right person for you if you don't show them who you are.

 

That being said, there are still rules to follow to keep from screwing things up too quickly, like not rushing things or getting carried away and behave as if you love someone when you haven't taken the time to know them yet.

[Gold Pile]

Are you scoring with the type of people you actually want to be with, or just with the type of people it attracts?

Your question suggests that I would hit on (or be seduced by) women that I didn't want to be with?? :confused: You must be a Democrat

Edited February 16, 2016 by Gold Pile

[ZA Dater]

I think it's a bit more complex than this. There's something to be said about being yourself and maintaining integrity, plus your tendencies and behaviors are likely set once you reach dating age. However just "being yourself" isn't a magic bullet for a lot of people. They have issues dating because the person they are might just not be so appealing. It's a hard truth. There are limits to what's socially desirable and acceptable.

 

I always see threads on here started by people who have trouble with their relationship, with dating in general, or whatever. A lot of the time they're having trouble because "being themselves" and acting on their own instincts just hasn't been getting the job done. People will chime into these threads with plenty of suggestions about what to do differently. So while I think there's a very satisfying feeling to just being yourself, to think that everyone is just fine, appealing, and attractive as is would be misleading and an oversimplification. If it were just that easy, this forum probably wouldn't exist. People seek advice because whether they're conscious of it or not, they value advice or a resolution to their interpersonal problem more than they do their current "self" or situation. And that advice or answer is often "change something about yourself or your process."

 

No one's perfect, no one knows everything, and everyone can always make more of an effort to improve themselves or calibrate themselves to social norms. Example: being overweight is widely seen as unattractive. If someone was overweight because they liked eating a lot, but had trouble dating, you wouldn't say "just continue being fat, it's who you are. Food is what you like. Be proud of it." You'd tell them to compromise, step out of their comfort zone, and get their butt into the gym. Everyone likes eating. Few people like getting their butt kicked in the gym. But people have to make compromises if they put a higher value on attaining something greater rather than stagnating in their current state of self. Keep in mind the people who come here looking for help without the willingness to compromise things about themselves are the ones we all shake our heads at.

 

Being yourself is great until it doesn't yield you the things you'd rather have in life.

Women like money? Work to be successful then, if you want a woman more than you like working at Foot Locker. Women like guys who are in shape? Work to get in shape then, if you want a woman more than you like sitting around watching Netflix. Progress is usually made when we push ourselves out of complacency, not settle in it. To a whatever the degree, most people have to adjust themselves to the world, not expect the world to adjust to them.

 

A very logical interesting post.

 

I think the sad reality is, while we must embrace who we are, we also sometime need to acknowledge who we are may not be attractive to others. Being who I am has never yielded me any dating success at all, absolutely nothing. It has yielded me garnering a sizeable amount of respect from people though in terms of the principles I live by and way I treat people.

 

You are right, the forum can collectively shake their head at people like me but view it like this, why change when there is absolutely no assurance you will be anymore successful than you were before? I have changed things and I am no more successful than I was before.

 

I just simply refuse to adjust to a world where I still perceive there to be little chance of success.

 

Really a great post though.

[WaitingForBardot]

...

I just simply refuse to adjust to a world where I still perceive there to be little chance of success.

...

Is this not in itself an adjustment? Not saying it's an irrational one, just that it seems like one to me.

[normal person]

 

You are right, the forum can collectively shake their head at people like me but view it like this, why change when there is absolutely no assurance you will be anymore successful than you were before? I have changed things and I am no more successful than I was before.

 

You'll never get assurance. But assuming you have minimal chance now, changing something might work, and it can't get any worse. So you have favorable risk/reward. If you're broke, you can't really lose any more money. But if you go sit on the corner and ask for some, you might actually end up with some. All the possible upside and nothing to lose.

 

 

I just simply refuse to adjust to a world where I still perceive there to be little chance of success.

 

Certainly respectable. Everyone's free to make their own choices.

[hasaquestion]

Life's all about equilibrium yo. Wind, waves, burning. The natural and human worlds are a big old melange of dynamic equilibria. And having an identity is all about finding that equilibrium point too. Between inside and outside, your own needs and someone else's. Going too far in either direction doesn't help.

[lino]

I think it's a bit more complex than this. There's something to be said about being yourself and maintaining integrity, plus your tendencies and behaviors are likely set once you reach dating age. However just "being yourself" isn't a magic bullet for a lot of people. They have issues dating because the person they are might just not be so appealing. It's a hard truth. There are limits to what's socially desirable and acceptable.

 

I always see threads on here started by people who have trouble with their relationship, with dating in general, or whatever. A lot of the time they're having trouble because "being themselves" and acting on their own instincts just hasn't been getting the job done. People will chime into these threads with plenty of suggestions about what to do differently. So while I think there's a very satisfying feeling to just being yourself, to think that everyone is just fine, appealing, and attractive as is would be misleading and an oversimplification. If it were just that easy, this forum probably wouldn't exist. People seek advice because whether they're conscious of it or not, they value advice or a resolution to their interpersonal problem more than they do their current "self" or situation. And that advice or answer is often "change something about yourself or your process."

 

No one's perfect, no one knows everything, and everyone can always make more of an effort to improve themselves or calibrate themselves to social norms. Example: being overweight is widely seen as unattractive. If someone was overweight because they liked eating a lot, but had trouble dating, you wouldn't say "just continue being fat, it's who you are. Food is what you like. Be proud of it." You'd tell them to compromise, step out of their comfort zone, and get their butt into the gym. Everyone likes eating. Few people like getting their butt kicked in the gym. But people have to make compromises if they put a higher value on attaining something greater rather than stagnating in their current state of self. Keep in mind the people who come here looking for help without the willingness to compromise things about themselves are the ones we all shake our heads at.

 

Being yourself is great until it doesn't yield you the things you'd rather have in life.

Women like money? Work to be successful then, if you want a woman more than you like working at Foot Locker. Women like guys who are in shape? Work to get in shape then, if you want a woman more than you like sitting around watching Netflix. Progress is usually made when we push ourselves out of complacency, not settle in it. To a whatever the degree, most people have to adjust themselves to the world, not expect the world to adjust to them.

 

Excellent post!

 

The concept of the OP is very romantic and it would be awesome if the world was like that but it isn't.

 

After all, Pol pot and Mussolini were also being the person they wanted to be...

[ZA Dater]

You'll never get assurance. But assuming you have minimal chance now, changing something might work, and it can't get any worse. So you have favorable risk/reward. If you're broke, you can't really lose any more money. But if you go sit on the corner and ask for some, you might actually end up with some. All the possible upside and nothing to lose.

 

 

 

 

Certainly respectable. Everyone's free to make their own choices.

 

That's good and well but when changes result in more of the same the question needs to be asked what exactly do ladies expect from guys, what makes guys attractive or not. If being who you are isn't attractive then has the world become so false and superficial we all need to walk around acting in our own play and deluding ourselves to be something we are not in the hope that something someone else may like?

[normal person]

That's good and well but when changes result in more of the same the question needs to be asked what exactly do ladies expect from guys, what makes guys attractive or not. If being who you are isn't attractive then has the world become so false and superficial we all need to walk around acting in our own play and deluding ourselves to be something we are not in the hope that something someone else may like?

 

I don't if "superficial" is the right word. If your ultimate goal is attain something, then in my eyes, doing what you need to need to get isn't superficial at all. It just depends on what your ultimate goal is. Which do you want more, women or the feather in your cap for saying "I never compromised or did what I didn't want to do?"

 

In life there are plenty of things we don't "want" to do but we do them because we know in the end they're better for us or will lead us to things we want more than what we've got in our current state.

[ZA Dater]

I don't if "superficial" is the right word. If your ultimate goal is attain something, then in my eyes, doing what you need to need to get isn't superficial at all. It just depends on what your ultimate goal is. Which do you want more, women or the feather in your cap for saying "I never compromised or did what I didn't want to do?"

 

In life there are plenty of things we don't "want" to do but we do them because we know in the end they're better for us or will lead us to things we want more than what we've got in our current state.

 

For me its rapidly becoming the bold part.