Just friends??

[Frivolous]

Hi all

 

I'm a mature student (29) in my final year of uni and have been dating a girl for about 7 months now which became official on new years eve (on the drunken walk home)

 

I don't really hang out with people from uni as i'm a fair bit older and plus my course is mainly girls.

 

Here's the complicated part,

 

I suffer from depression, nothing too severe but I'm currently taking meds for it. Anyhow, I have started talking more with a girl I click with and found out she has similar problems but far worse. We have quickly started sharing lots of personal stories via messages back and forth and i'm sort of worried that i'm escalating something I shouldn't be.

 

I find her attractive and worry that i'm emotionally cheating in some way. It's made harder by the fact that I don't hang out with anyone else other than my GF so i'm naturally enjoying the companionship.

 

Is it bad if we keep talking all the time? Should I distance myself?

 

Thanks in advance

[mikeylo]

Yes.

 

Get therapy to help cope depression. Get tips and tricks to deal with it. Emotional cheating will eat you up and you will dig a deeper hole for your depression.

[Frivolous]

Thanks Milkylo

 

I know it's a risky business in my current state and especially since i don't really know how she is.

 

On the other side of it though i need friends that aren't my GF especially ones i can share things with which puts me in a difficult position :/

[b-Shock]

Have you told your GF about this friend?

[smackie9]

You need friends? Look for friendship with guys that can get you interested in physical activities like touch football or rock climbing. Leave the emotional support to a therapist or your GF.

 

You know what you are doing is wrong....that is why you are posting here am I right??

[Space Ritual]

The mere fact that you posted here asking the question is already answer enough. You are skating in thin ice. You can justify it all you want with the "I need friends I can confide in" routine. However if you already are questioning yourself and your relationship then it is time to either end the relationship or end the friendship. One way or another one of them will have to go or you will talk yourself right out of both of them.

 

It does not take a rocket scientist to see where this is going at the current rate

[Frivolous]

Thank you all for the replies

 

Strangely it was only the other day that I was saying to my GF that it's hard not having guy friends at uni and if i befriend a girl it may just look like i fancy them.

 

This has only just occurred in the last few days and we are messaging each other right now. I know you are all right but the thing that made me post on here was just the amount this girl is messaging me. She may fancy me or she may just want someone to chat to so she's not so isolated. If we weren't talking so much then i probably wouldn't think anything of it.

 

I feel bad for not being a friend to her and losing a friend for myself, especially since being isolated with no other connections in my life.

 

What a palava!

[PegNosePete]

My usual judge of appropriateness would be:

 

- If you would show your GF everything you have written to each other without batting an eyelid, then it's OK.

 

- If you wouldn't show her, or would want to check through it first, or delete certain things that were said before showing her... then it's not OK.

[mikeylo]

My usual judge of appropriateness would be:

 

- If you would show your GF everything you have written to each other without batting an eyelid, then it's OK.

 

- If you wouldn't show her, or would want to check through it first, or delete certain things that were said before showing her... then it's not OK.

 

While 100% agree with this but there is another aspect to it. Many people do the above blatantly ( flirt, cross boundaries,etc.)right in front of their partner and say that you are the one feeling it wrong.If there was something, I wouldnt do it in front of you.I would hide and do behind your back.

 

This comes with a bit of salt !

 

OP, do the right thing and stop communicating with this friend asap for the sake of your personal relationship.

[Frivolous]

I get where you are coming from but In this case i'm not sure I would share all of our convos with my GF. Not because, there is anything really wrong nut because i don't feel i should have to personal chats about depression, nor is it even healthy to share so much with my GF. I don't want her to become my therapist.

 

My GF has hung out with male friends so I don't feel i should lose out on a new friend just because shes female.

 

Granted i feel bad if we chat a lot or hang out but i feel it would be unhealthy to restrict my social life to my GF.

 

Any girls got an opinion on this?

[mikeylo]

I get where you are coming from but In this case i'm not sure I would share all of our convos with my GF. Not because, there is anything really wrong nut because i don't feel i should have to personal chats about depression, nor is it even healthy to share so much with my GF. I don't want her to become my therapist.

 

My GF has hung out with male friends so I don't feel i should lose out on a new friend just because shes female.

 

Granted i feel bad if we chat a lot or hang out but i feel it would be unhealthy to restrict my social life to my GF.

 

Any girls got an opinion on this?

 

Sorry but if you have justified everything then why the question? Its because you know you are crossing the line but want someone to validate it. No therapist/gf/people on board can help you if you dont help yourself !

[smackie9]

You are not doing your relationship with your GF justice. You are seeking emotional connection with another girl.....I bet your GF would be devastated to know that you are emotionally close with this other girl. She would feel "replaced".

[Frivolous]

I guess what you're saying then is I shouldn't be in a relationship if I need this connection with another girl.

 

Hmm I must agree that i'm questioning my relationship now and having a low mood doesn't help. It's a very confusing situation!

 

I'm not sure if i just feel sorry for this girl because of her issues, or if i'm genuinely attracted to her or if i'm just feeling lonely because of my mood and the attention is satisfying.

 

Hmm either way i feel like bit of a jerk but i'm vulnerable right now

[mrs rubble]

I get where you are coming from but In this case i'm not sure I would share all of our convos with my GF. Not because, there is anything really wrong nut because i don't feel i should have to personal chats about depression, nor is it even healthy to share so much with my GF. I don't want her to become my therapist.

 

My GF has hung out with male friends so I don't feel i should lose out on a new friend just because shes female.

 

Granted i feel bad if we chat a lot or hang out but i feel it would be unhealthy to restrict my social life to my GF.

 

Any girls got an opinion on this?

And neither should you, my partner has many female friends and is always chatting to them as long as he doesn't cross the line I'm fine with that.

Boundries are most important, you need to tell your friend you have a gf, and assure her that you will always be faithful to your gf.

I have male friends who I chat to too, just last week I was in a really bad mood with my partner and my male friend messaged me and I told him how ****ty I was with my partner and how I didn't feel like talking to him about it- he convinced me to talk about it with him and sort it out....whereas a girlfriend would've likely just verbally slaughtered him to me.

[Frivolous]

And neither should you, my partner has many female friends and is always chatting to them as long as he doesn't cross the line I'm fine with that.

Boundries are most important, you need to tell your friend you have a gf, and assure her that you will always be faithful to your gf.

I have male friends who I chat to too, just last week I was in a really bad mood with my partner and my male friend messaged me and I told him how ****ty I was with my partner and how I didn't feel like talking to him about it- he convinced me to talk about it with him and sort it out....whereas a girlfriend would've likely just verbally slaughtered him to me.

 

Thanks that makes me feel better. It's not that I'm doing anything wrong I just feel bad because this girl has issues and clearly needs someone to talk to. Admittedly I flirt a bit by saying she looks good but it's no more than anyone else would say to a self conscious friend.

 

It's just a bit difficult knowing where the friendship line is because I know giving her to much time and attention would be crossing the line.

 

I guess the question is can you still be a friend to a needy friend of the opposite sex if you have a partner??

[PegNosePete]

I guess the question is can you still be a friend to a needy friend of the opposite sex if you have a partner??

Of course some people can. But that's not the real question you want to ask.

 

Other people and general cases are irrelevant. The question you want to ask is, are you acting appropriately with another woman, and are you disrespecting your GF with your interactions?

 

From what you've posted so far, my feeling is that yes, you are crossing the line. I think if your GF were to see your conversation she would be pretty upset.