friend became roommate issues starting to arise

[Ferret]

Hello everyone this is my 1st post on love shack and Im hopping to get some decent advice on my situation here goes nothing I guess..

You see I live with my BF of a few years now we rent a nice place were comfortable we pay the bills and keep things going well and for the most part things have been great...the Issue is as of January we had a friend move to stay with us from out of state we had met this person on line gaming and then she came for a visit in November so we felt rather comfortable with her and we knew she really wasent happy were she was so we said sure come on out and you can stay until you can get on your feet ...

 

Now she Doesn't work (disabled) so she's on a limited income we knew this we knew we would have to be help her out a little and that's not the problem..She pays us a set amount and has her own room internet free utilities even let her use our netflix game systems and what ever else she wants my bfs family take her around to help her get stuff done when she needs to..far as the rent she pays us Its a rather small amount only a few hundred bucks as we know how much she makes and its not a lot we genuinely just wanted to help her out mostly and thought the little extra would be nice to help out around the house with a few little things we been wanting to do but been putting off...ok Great one would think it would be a win win...

 

But The thing is she's been starting to eat a lot like a lot..Example we went shopping and bought a decent size bag of chicken nuggets for the house maybe 2 days ago and today when I went to go look they are just about gone me and my bf hardly got to have any she sat down and had like 15 and a pile of tater tots for lunch so they are all just about gone I don't know to me that's just a lot of food for one person?..Now mind you when she came I said she was more then welcome to join us for dinners as I always cook one meal a night for the house so we don't care to share even then tho im starting to notice she will eat a huge plate and then go back and clean off anything that is left..Needless to say we hardly ever have any left overs anymore and when we do they are usually gone before we even think to have any..

 

Her room is a pig sty papers and garbage all over the floor..ive even asked her if she would like me to clean it up for her to which she replied "no that's part of my anxiety I need the clutter" I said ok but can you at least clean up the garbage as of today its still there! she sits in the livening room on my bfs laptop..(she forgot her laptops charging cord when she came out here two times I have no clue how that happens)..she got payed this month and still hasn't bought a replacement one..but yeah she sits on that and games in the livening room now normally I wouldn't care as I stay in our room most of the time these days.

 

But last night I wanted to watch my show the one ive been waiting for it to start up again for ever..Well she talked threw most of it to her family on skype to the point that finally when the after show talk show came on I couldn't take it anymore so I just said "ok im going to go and watch this in the room"...she Then kinds snapped and said "Oh cause im talking"!...she Later apologized for that but yeah..it just seams that maybe we are being taken a little bit advantage of here but im not overly sure the last thing I want to do is be a bad friend but this is starting to cause some issues...

[basil67]

OK, she is not adhering to basic house sharing etiquette. Before I slam her, I have to ask about her disability. Does she have a social skill disorder (like Aspergers or autism) where she does not pick up social cues? If so, you're going to have to spell out the house rules for her. She won't pick them up by osmosis.

 

However, if there's nothing wrong with her social skills - then you have gotten yourself a selfish flatmate.

 

Either way, you will need to discuss it - only the approach will differ.

[Ferret]

OK, she is not adhering to basic house sharing etiquette. Before I slam her, I have to ask about her disability. Does she have a social skill disorder (like Aspergers or autism) where she does not pick up social cues? If so, you're going to have to spell out the house rules for her. She won't pick them up by osmosis.

 

However, if there's nothing wrong with her social skills - then you have gotten yourself a selfish flatmate.

 

Either way, you will need to discuss it - only the approach will differ.

 

 

I don't think shes got Asperger's shes fairly normal when it comes to talking and comprehension I know she has some bad anxiety issues a touch of schizophrenia shes suppose to be on meds but she doesn't always take them as they tell her too but shes never been scary or nothing ive never known her to talk to herself or anything so I don't know...

 

we knew she had some issues maybe they are deeper then we thought I don't know..I know we might have to say something but again I don't want to be a bad friend and im not sure how much of all this is her illness and how much of it to excuse on that ground I have rather bad anxiety but never been like that..thanks for the response tho..

[Raina314]

OK, she is not adhering to basic house sharing etiquette. Before I slam her, I have to ask about her disability. Does she have a social skill disorder (like Aspergers or autism) where she does not pick up social cues? If so, you're going to have to spell out the house rules for her. She won't pick them up by osmosis.

 

However, if there's nothing wrong with her social skills - then you have gotten yourself a selfish flatmate.

 

Either way, you will need to discuss it - only the approach will differ.

 

^Agree. I have sort of a similar problem except my "friend" has been taking advantage of my house for years. It's a tough situation when they're dependent on you but are being downright inconsiderate.

 

I'd give her a month or so to shape up, but eventually you're going to have to let her know it's unacceptable and ask her to leave if she continues to take advantage of your generosity like this.

[salparadise]

You're going to have to clarify expectations. Be tactful so as not to spoil the goodwill that exists. Focus on big stuff that's easy to define and don't sweat the small stuff.

 

You need a

.

[Kaiten]

You have to be careful to know what you're getting into when you talk about helping a disabled person, or a person with a disability. Honestly, the disability doesn't sound that severe. I say that because you are someone who sees this person every day, yet you feel taken advantage of.

 

Keep in mind that many people feel burdened when their own family members w/ struggles stay with them. Before you ever let someone move in with you under these circumstances, you should always have them provide you with some proof of effort -- to show that they aren't the sit-on-my-ass type.

[Ferret]

You have to be careful to know what you're getting into when you talk about helping a disabled person, or a person with a disability. Honestly, the disability doesn't sound that severe. I say that because you are someone who sees this person every day, yet you feel taken advantage of.

 

Keep in mind that many people feel burdened when their own family members w/ struggles stay with them. Before you ever let someone move in with you under these circumstances, you should always have them provide you with some proof of effort -- to show that they aren't the sit-on-my-ass type.

 

Hey just wanted to 1st off thank everyone who took the time to reply it really dose mean a lot to me to get input from those totally looking in on the situation and not emotionally invested at all...And sorry I haven't been back in a few days to respond..I lol'ed at that video clip..haha thanks needed the laugh..

 

Now to respond to this quoted poster here I myself am disabled a bit so the dangers of helping out a fellow disabled person wasn't really something I overly considered but yeah I kind of get what your saying if you allow yourself not working all the time that can make one the "sit on my ass" kinda person I get it and sadly I think that's whats happened to her.

 

As we speak shes sleeping on my sofa bed 3rd time this week in the living room at 1:25pm when shes got a lot of important things she could be up sorting applying for food stamps being one. Not to mention I hate people sleeping on the couches for more then a little nap she knows this that's why I made sure there was a nice clean bed room available to her with a decent bed even tho shes already complained about it.

 

But yeah I just know she will wake up at like 4 or 5 pm and be annoyed when I don't want to run out last min to try and do stuff. You see we live in a smaller town and most things close up shop around 6pm you def are not taking any public transport much after noonish well not if you want to make it back home. I get it she has sleeping issues I do to and I feel for her ive been a insomniac for ever but if I have important things to sort I make sure I get them done..

 

I just learned before my BF is just as annoyed as me or maybe more at this point I felt so bad last night...We had hot dogs and tater tots for dinner I gave everyone two hot dogs and a nice size of tater tots kinda hoping the extra would fill her up...well right after dinner she asked if she could have another hot dog I didn't care we had like 4 left I said sure help yourself...well she sure did come to find out a few hours later my bf went to have one too and they were all gone! that means that girl ate at least 6 hot dogs with in a few hours the thought kinda makes me ill to be honest but yeah we are at our wits end..

 

If anything happens that upsets her or we don't do what she wants she starts in with the passive aggressive condescending BS and I flipping hate that like were to stupid to know the difference >.<.. the thing that really upsets me is I do consider her a good friend so this is all really upsetting me IF we can get thu this and hold the friendship together I have def learned my lesson I will no longer invite friends to live with us!..Ok vent over..

[preraph]

Well, first of all, she doesn't get to be comforted by clutter when she's living in your home. You need to tell her she has to keep it clean and uncluttered if she wants to live there and no excuses. She says it's her comfort zone, say, Well, it's not ours. If you want to stay her, you have to keep it clean.

 

Then set some rules about between-meal eating. Yes, some people eat more than others. So tell her she needs to buy her own snacks or between meal food because you cannot plan your regular meals if the food is gone when you go to make it. So tell her to stay out of that. Give her her own shelf in the fridge if you have to, or a small fridge for her room. But tell her to stay out of the meal fixings entirely.

 

Tell her she can't use your laptop anymore and she has until the next paycheck to buy herself a cord.

 

Stop feeling overly sorry for her. If this was anyone else you wouldn't be coddling her.

[Ferret]

So thought I would update this thread I ended up having the "food" talk with her and so far shes curbed the over eating THANK GOD..that was after we all ended up going a few days pretty much hungry before the one pay came thew cause she had eaten the freezer empty that was fun but its past now moving on...

 

So two more situations have come to the surface well other then her room is still a shat hole pretty much but yeah ive kind of given up on that one. Anyways it turns out she might be getting her benefit cut by about 100 bucks because she dawdled on getting some paperwork into the correct authorities not for my lack of trying to get a fire lighted under her ass! so the inevitable question came one day last week......"oh if it comes to it can I give you a hundred less cause I have to send money back home to for my bills I have back there"...now I don't for the life of me understand what bills she has back in her old state other then her storage shed that's 30-50 bucks a month that needs her to be sending back hundreds of dollars for!

 

And why the hell are we the 1st thing she decides shes going to try and short when we are pretty much short as it is each month just taking care of her ass..I know shes been paying her old friends internet bill...long story basically they are dead beets so the only way they could get internet was if it was in her name. And of course shes dumb enough to go for it..surprise surprise they didn't pay this past month but shes like going to "give them another chance" and see if they pay this month that's the thing with this girl she gets used a lot because she allows it.

 

The funny thing is she never seams to stand up for herself when the times actually right instead she stands up and says stuff to me like when its relevant to doing the cleaning about her "not allowing herself" to get used and how she shouldn't have to clean the entire house..mind you ive never asked her to do that..but yeah so unless I stand up and say NO im going to be shorted 100 bucks this month on her rent *lesigh....

 

So onto the next and upcoming stress event shes been recently contacted by some transient guy from her past he sounds like a real charmer hes currently living in a homeless shelter in cali hes got a conviction for assault on his record she claims it was self defense. Now I don't know but to me the fact he bounces from homeless shelter to homeless shelter tells me somethings not quite right there cause most stable respectable people do not consider that a way to live..

 

But anyways so now apparently they have made plans for him to come up here and be a transient mind you this guy hasn't talked to her in years and now that shes on the same coast as him all of a sudden hes interested in her again yeah I swear he doesn't want anything anyways so we learned last night hes now apparently on a buss ..We learned that cause she came into our room and was like oh to come here what station dose he stop at...

 

Me and my bf have told her we don't want him here cause we don't know him and he sounds like trouble my bf just about hit the roof when she asked that..so now im sitting here waiting for this dude to show up at our door cause I know hes going to attempt to come over and visit her and or crash here.

 

Im starting to think they are trying to date to be honest (texting and talking all hours of the day and night) or that's what hes leading her on as to and shes dumb enough to believe it...UGH I wanted to help her avoid getting used anymore I wanted to help her genuinely get on her feet and have a decent life.

 

We were even going to introduce her to a few genuinely nice guys we know but now I see she would rather keep company with low life's...that's fine but not here...im sorry for the wall of text guys but LS has been a god send for my vents as of late..if you have any input that's always appreciated I guess im just at my wits end here..

[emptynest2016]

I'm sorry but she sounds textbook Asperger's to me!! Her not having a comprehension problem to you has nothing really to do with it. My youngest daughter has it. Some of our friends kids have other forms. When I say kids, keep in mind 18 to 22. The thing with food, habits and this letting yourself get used sounds scary familiar. I could go on but seriously, this screams autism. You can't always go by every exact symptom because that's why it's called an autism spectrum. Just my two cents.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

When you give an inch they take a mile, don't they? Put your foot down with both the rent and this strange guy. It was you and your bf's fault for not setting rules and boundaries before you let her move in. Now that you've come this far, it will be awkward and relations may be strained but you will have to put your foot down for you and your bf's sanity and (possibly) safety. Don't dare let her transient friend stay overnight at your place. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!

 

Whether she realizes it or not, your roommate is taking advantage of your kindness. I'm unfamiliar with Asperger's so I can't speak on that issue but does that mean you will put up with your current situation because of her condition? That's up to you.

 

I have had a friend become a roommate...we're no longer friends. I won't make that mistake again.

[Ferret]

When you give an inch they take a mile, don't they? Put your foot down with both the rent and this strange guy. It was you and your bf's fault for not setting rules and boundaries before you let her move in. Now that you've come this far, it will be awkward and relations may be strained but you will have to put your foot down for you and your bf's sanity and (possibly) safety. Don't dare let her transient friend stay overnight at your place. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!

 

Whether she realizes it or not, your roommate is taking advantage of your kindness. I'm unfamiliar with Asperger's so I can't speak on that issue but does that mean you will put up with your current situation because of her condition? That's up to you.

 

I have had a friend become a roommate...we're no longer friends. I won't make that mistake again.

 

Thanks for the replies well seeing as she was a good friend before all of this and she visited and lived with us for a while before she moved in we didn't think we had to sit down and write out rules especially basic common sense ones but I guess so..

 

That said we did kind of tell her how we wanted things to go no partying no being loud how much the rent would be and that we are happy to share what we have long as there is enough for everyone so we did kind of lay some ground rules..

 

I think like you say she is just taking us for a ride at this point and thinks we wont say noting ironically bf has told me the exact thing you have that he feels shes taking our kindness for granted..

 

Far as the Asperger thing I don't know ive never delt with anyone who told me they had that she did tell us she has mild schizophrenia shes suppose to be on meds but she doesn't like how they make her tired so she happened to leave what she had left of them behind when she came here.

 

Even if she dose have that dose that mean they cant live normal lives and be at least some what respectful to their friends? I know shes not well but shes also choosing to not help herself so im not to sure how much further our sympathies are going to go on that topic..

 

And yeah no worries there that guy is def not coming here me and the bf already have a plan in place if he shows up im calling him at work and hes heading home on a fam emergency to help we might not care if he seamed like a respectable guy but it all just reeks of bad news...

[Ferret]

I live with two other people in a apartment one of them is a friend who rents from us the other is my bf the friend is on a benefit and doesn't work my bf works. The issue im having is it seams unless I ask constantly im the only one who seams to clean this house!

 

Example as we speak the garbage in the kitchen is over flowing has been for a few days she will take it out if I ask but I always have to chanse and ask. One week we had home made Chinese I cooked it as I cook 98% of our meals in this house.

 

After dinner we had some rice in a pot I was thinking I did the cooking some one would clean up (don't know why they never do!) guess it was wishful thinking well yeah that never happened. So I left it there to see how long it would be ignored it sat there for almost two weeks until I finally cleaned it...

 

Now I don't mind cleaning but im getting sick of being the only person who seams to think it NEEDs to be be done..im sick of chasing after adults like they are teens to please do their chores! I tried to say hey lets do a rotating cleaning day for the kitchen well that's never caut on..

 

Ive always told my bf that I didn't mind cleaning up after him a bit more cause he works so hes use to that. But I really hate cleaning up after her as she sits on her ass all day!

 

I get mad and my bfs like well your taking it out on me like he should be 160% excused from any cleaning hell ide be happy if one of them would even take the garbage out so yeah maybe I am a little cause it just seams im the only one with eyes in my head anymore to see how dirty things are getting..im just stressed

[d0nnivain]

Have a house meeting & make a chore board. Otherwise, find out how much a housekeeper is & have everybody including the freeloading friend on disability contribute to that cost.

[Ms. Faust]

Keeping a house clean is easy, at least for me. Start with a clean house. Any mess that is made should be picked up before the end of the night or early the next day. As long as you don't let it pile up it's not so much cleaning as it is maintenance.

[thefooloftheyear]

If its something you like, its easy,,,,,If its something you don't, its as hard as hell...

 

I love to clean....I clean everything like an idiot, even though I am a guy...Everything in my life is pristine and immaculate.....

 

TFY

[Ms. Faust]

This may sound kind of silly, but after my cat died this last October I went into an organizational frenzy. I know it was directly related to her death, I just don't know why it manifested that way. I was pretty thorough and clean to begin with, but after she died everything was gutted and reorganized, right down to the bills. I even looked at those Martha Stewart closet organizers, but decided I couldn't justify the price for my tiny townhouse, lol.

 

OP, I think you should talk to the offending roommate. I don't understand how someone could live like that.

Edited March 5, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Ferret]

That's the thing I do like cleaning hence my not minding when it came to the bf hes out and contributing to the household in another way and I would relax and do the cleaning at my pace. That said even then once in a great while I would grumble at him when he got just way to lazy you have a week off? im sure you can manage in that time frame to load the dishwasher once or twice. Its the girl that's kinda pushing me over my limit these days and the fact she will do it some times if I ask but that I always have to ask I feel like a parent chasing up a child's chores and this women is almost 30.

 

One day it was the middle of the day I wasn't feeling to hot so I was napping after taking some sinus meds it was suppose to be her day to clean the kitchen. I woke up to make dinner and the dishes were still all over the counter im like hey can you clean this? shes like oh I was going to wait until after dinner um were going to need clean dishes to cook and eat on genius! She wanted to wait until the middle of the night to do the cleaning I was like yeah no I need these done she almost argued it with me..

 

LeSigh...im going to talk to my bf tonight when he gets home im giving her one year with us to get on her feet and save up to get herself a place this is not going to be a long term thing I need some light at the end of this tunnel..

[TX-SC]

Generally not too hard. Add in two teenage/preteen daughters, one of which is a slob, and yeah it can be a handfull.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My house is spotless....but then i am OCD...lol

 

I have found that if you go over everything....everyday.....and clean up as you go....everything stays perfect....and it doesn't take much time.

[Satu]

If people don't know the rules, that means there are no rules.

[basil67]

You've done a number of posts about your lazy new flatmate. What proactive steps have you taken to address the issues?

[Ferret]

You've done a number of posts about your lazy new flatmate. What proactive steps have you taken to address the issues?

Well we have taken care of the massive over eating on my and my bfs grocery bill so that's been extremely helpful. Ive stood up to her when she was trying to short us on the little bit of rent she dose give us so fingers crossed that's not going to happen again.

 

Now if we can just get this cleaning issue under wraps ide be semi ok with things for a while.. I know whats going to have to happen and im not looking forward to it im going to have to get grumpy and I hate that. But it seams to be the only thing some understand when it comes to this subject...

 

And yes there was "rules and expectations" set not on paper or in stone but they were talked about when she moved in guide lines of common sense if you will. You see she was a good friend before any of this and she had visited us before we even suggested she move in and we never thought we would be having these kinda issues from how that time went I guess its true you really don't know some one until you live with them for a long term...