So I guess I was wrong [update! 2016-06-08]

[Httm]

If you want to be in an adult relationship, relationship is the key. Do not assume anything. Create an open and honest environment and communicate!

[Renae]

I haven't talked to him yet. I am going over there tonight. He has messaged me 3 times already this morning one to telling me good morning, then a short time later to tell me what he was making for dinner and that he can't wait to see me, and just a minute ago asking me a question about something online.

 

I messaged him online last night and he has not responded. I am going to keep that profile to kinda see where things go.

[Redhead14]

I haven't talked to him yet. I am going over there tonight. He has messaged me 3 times already this morning one to telling me good morning, then a short time later to tell me what he was making for dinner and that he can't wait to see me, and just a minute ago asking me a question about something online.

 

I messaged him online last night and he has not responded. I am going to keep that profile to kinda see where things go.

 

Let him talk first. Don't say anything until you know what's in his head. And, after you talk with him, I recommend not staying there tonight or being intimate, because when you tell him what you want for yourself, you need to demonstrate that you are serious about that. In other words, if you tell him you want something serious and you just keep things status quo tonight, you're sending a message that is maybe mixed. Basically, you're establishing a boundary. Give him time to think about it all. Now that he knows what's on your mind, he may be taken aback a little and now maybe forced to consider what his investment really has been or is going to be.

[Renae]

My plan was to say I have really enjoyed spending the last 6 months getting to know you. I am not dating anyone else and I would like to continue seeing you. I am looking for a committed relationship, what are you looking for?

[Toodaloo]

Renae

 

You are about to get the "its not you its me"...

 

He probably does want a life long relationship and probably does want to be committed to someone... but that someone is not you.

 

This is about to end and if he doesn't I really do think for your own sake you should as it is not going to end well for you either way.

 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this guy is not the one. Protect your heart. You are not ready for this. Be kind to yourself.

[Gaeta]

I messaged him online last night and he has not responded. I am going to keep that profile to kinda see where things go.

 

Can you see if he read the message from your fake profile?

[Gaeta]

My plan was to say I have really enjoyed spending the last 6 months getting to know you. I am not dating anyone else and I would like to continue seeing you. I am looking for a committed relationship, what are you looking for?

 

He's going to answer that of course he's also looking for a long term relationship for sometimes down the road.

 

And you'll know no more than what you know now.

 

So what would be your next move?

[Renae]

If he says that he isn't looking for a serious relationship now, I will say then I can't see him anymore. I don't want to waste my time with someone who isn't all the way in.

 

He hasn't sign back on, so hasn't read it.

[Renae]

I know that there is no point in asling why. It just does make sense that if wasn't into me why would he waste time. It's the progressING the relationship that confuses me. If you were planning an exit why ask for more time. I hate dating.

[Zapbasket]

That's how I felt when I saw he messaged me. It made me feel like I was gonna puke. He has given me every indication that is 100% in this relationship. And was even progressing it to the next step.

 

The crazy thing is that I have a hard time just walking away. I this is stupid but I think if he has been screwed over by women before, which ink ow he has, then maybe he takes a really long time to be sure. It took him a long time to introduce me to his friends, family, and to really open up to me. He isn't shy just super quiet, doesn't talk much but lately has been talking about everything. Asks me my opinion on his projects at his house, all kinds of stuff. It's hard to not say he just need more time to really commit. And part of me is okay with giving him that time. I didn't go into the relationship thinking I wanted a serious relationship. It just kinda happened becuase we really click very well. Part of me says to not bring it up at all, just remind myself of where he stands and give him more time.

 

Which I know is stupid, but maybe that's all he needs is more time.

 

Then let him TELL you that he needs more time. Stop squelching your feelings and putting yourself in the powerless position of "waiting." If you were only a few months in, I'd suggest being patient, but at six months you already are in a full-blown relationship that is looking to the possibility of a long-term commitment. You have every right to expect that you and he are on the same page at least about what the relationship is FOR (possibility of long-term commitment). If he is not on the same page, you need to know, and you need to take appropriate action.

 

I dated a guy for five years who, after a year and a half together, said to me, "I don't know how I feel about you." We had a trip planned to Peru a few weeks later with his family, and then I had a plane ticket to visit his hometown with him a week after our Peru trip. I felt very hurt by his words, but didn't want to shake things up right before our trip. Guess what? In his words were the message that his later actions told me point-blank: he didn't see a future with me; he was ambivalent about me; he never understood me and wasn't compelled enough to really try. I was only 26 and didn't know better, but if a guy ever says something like that to me again, especially after 6+ months in, I will walk.

 

In your shoes, my suggestion is that you claim some power here over your own well-being and outright ask him what the deal is with him still having his profile up and responding to messages. Then, based on his answer, YOU decide how YOU feel about it. If his explanation gives you the slightest unease, PAY ATTENTION to that feeling. Basically, if someone is serious about a relationship, they're not still on a dating site after 6 months. Period, never mind actually trolling people on the site. So he really has some explaining to do, and you have to decide if you are REALLY comfortable with his answers.

[Redhead14]

Then let him TELL you that he needs more time. Stop squelching your feelings and putting yourself in the powerless position of "waiting." If you were only a few months in, I'd suggest being patient, but at six months you already are in a full-blown relationship that is looking to the possibility of a long-term commitment. You have every right to expect that you and he are on the same page at least about what the relationship is FOR (possibility of long-term commitment). If he is not on the same page, you need to know, and you need to take appropriate action.

 

I dated a guy for five years who, after a year and a half together, said to me, "I don't know how I feel about you." We had a trip planned to Peru a few weeks later with his family, and then I had a plane ticket to visit his hometown with him a week after our Peru trip. I felt very hurt by his words, but didn't want to shake things up right before our trip. Guess what? In his words were the message that his later actions told me point-blank: he didn't see a future with me; he was ambivalent about me; he never understood me and wasn't compelled enough to really try. I was only 26 and didn't know better, but if a guy ever says something like that to me again, especially after 6+ months in, I will walk.

 

In your shoes, my suggestion is that you claim some power here over your own well-being and outright ask him what the deal is with him still having his profile up and responding to messages. Then, based on his answer, YOU decide how YOU feel about it. If his explanation gives you the slightest unease, PAY ATTENTION to that feeling. Basically, if someone is serious about a relationship, they're not still on a dating site after 6 months. Period, never mind actually trolling people on the site. So he really has some explaining to do, and you have to decide if you are REALLY comfortable with his answers.

 

I don't think she should assume anything about him being on the site because SHE was on the site as well for an "innocent" reason. If the tables were turned and he saw her online, he might assume something as well. Since THEY haven't communicated anything about what they want all this time, they are each free to do whatever they want. She's apprehensive about communicating, perhaps he has been too. We just don't know. All I'm saying is they are now opening that conversation and she needs to be objective and just evaluate his responses without having those assumptions color her attitude about it. Meaning, the seed of doubt and insecurity has been planted and that may cloud her ability to evaluate his response even if he's being honest and says he's wanting more with her. My point is, that if he says he wants more with her and she;s doubting him anyway, she should just sit back and observe more closely for a little while. Set a time limit for herself, an internal timer. Give him a month or so to show his sincerity, and if she's not feeling secure and comfortable enough by that point, she ends it for good.

 

What doing it this way does, really, is eliminate all the wondering whether or not she did the right thing when/if she does move on.

[Toodaloo]

I know that there is no point in asling why. It just does make sense that if wasn't into me why would he waste time. It's the progressING the relationship that confuses me. If you were planning an exit why ask for more time. I hate dating.

 

Because some people are too frightened to be on their own so they keep others dangling while they go look for something else...

 

Just saying...

[Redhead14]

I know that there is no point in asling why. It just does make sense that if wasn't into me why would he waste time. It's the progressING the relationship that confuses me. If you were planning an exit why ask for more time. I hate dating.

 

They are enjoying time with you, they don't want it to end, it feels good to them. I think I explained/gave you the definition of a Quality Casual Guy earlier. He's a good guy, he likes you, he wants to spend time with you and treats you like a girlfriend. It's kinda like "making an honest woman" of you at least. He's not a bad guy, he's not evil. He may actually love you. What you are wanting is someone who is "In Love" with you and seeing you in their long-term future. He may not be planning an exit yet, he's just leaving that door open for himself because he probably expects it will end at some point -- maybe because of history, etc.

 

That's the reason for clarifying in the very beginning and then communicating at various points to make sure you're still on the same page even if you had been at the beginning. In the beginning it's just about the general goal matching and no one can say it will be with each other very early.

[Larryville]

Because some people are too frightened to be on their own so they keep others dangling while they go look for something else...

 

 

BINGO, when a guy wants YOU it will be obvious and no ambiguity.

Someone else said this is online dating in a nutshell. We are ALL disposable commodities.

 

 

 

I will admit, if I get the gut feeling that a dating circumstance is NOT long term I keep my profile up but hide it. If I am seriously pursuing a relationship my profile(s) come completely down.

 

 

Some dudes just simply get use to the routine, good company, regular sex, someone to hang with guys don’t see it as “wasting time.”

 

 

Some women mistake a dudes casual attention for a “relationship.” How a guy looks at you, his body language, how he converses with you should tell you the difference between a “buddy” or “roommate” or even weekend relationship vs a true mentally connective relationship.

[Cinnamonstix]

BINGO, when a guy wants YOU it will be obvious and no ambiguity.

 

This is what I was going to say. In my experience, a guy usually suspects you could be the one very early on. I'm not saying he knows for sure, but the prospect is definitely there. He will make you feel special, progress the relationship consistently, and won't take the kind of chances this guy is taking. I have rarely seen a woman grow to be the one for a guy over time. I think it's different for women in that we take more time to be sure, so it's more important that the guy be sure you're it in the earlier stages of dating.

 

For me, the profile up and him messaging would be the end. I wouldn't be having the talk because his actions say it all: he doesn't think I'm the one. Having the talk, to me, is accepting less for yourself.

[Gaeta]

I don't think she should assume anything about him being on the site because SHE was on the site as well for an "innocent" reason. If the tables were turned and he saw her online, he might assume something as well. .

 

I don't think that counts here.

 

She was online in a fake profile, no picture, no info filled out, simply to show her friend who her boyfriend was.

 

On the other hand he is online with a full active profile, pictures and all = advertising himself as being single and available.

 

She was in no way advertising herself.

[loveflower]

I'l didn't have a photo. I didnt takw the time to answer any questions or fill out the profile at all. I seriously .made the profile just to show my friend his profile, his responses to the questions, and then he messaged me.

 

wow, the guy will just msg a profile that doesn't even have a photo?

 

why are you even here talking about this guy? you have nothing.

[loveflower]

I know that there is no point in asling why. It just does make sense that if wasn't into me why would he waste time. It's the progressING the relationship that confuses me. If you were planning an exit why ask for more time. I hate dating.

 

he even has the time to msg a profile that doesn't have a pic. that's why.

[loveflower]

No use trying to understand his whys, it won't make sense to you anyway.

 

I dated a man serious who spend all of his time with me. After a year we bought a house together, after 4 years I learn he was still on a dating site cheating on me left and right.

 

Don't waste time figuring it out, just leave it if it's not for you.

 

ALSO, answer to that message he sent you and play the game. Ask him what he's looking for. It's the ONLY way you will know the truth about his presence online.

 

Seriously?

 

I have no idea a human can be so devious...and fake.

[Gaeta]

I know that there is no point in asling why. It just does make sense that if wasn't into me why would he waste time. It's the progressING the relationship that confuses me. If you were planning an exit why ask for more time. I hate dating.

 

Hon, he's not planning an exit, he's planning fun with someone else.

 

I smell a cheater. Plain and simple.

[Renae]

That's why it shocked me so much. I thought we were just fine. Even in my previous threads I said through HIS actions and words I thought we had a great relationship. Besides being on the quiet side he always shows me affection, paid attention to what I like, asked me about my day. Consistently texted and called me. I met his family and friends, though later into the relationship than is probably typical. He took me to weekends away with his friends. He looks at my with a spark in his eyes. Holds my hands, walks past me and caresses me. Says all the things you'd think he'd say at this point. He talks to me about his summer plans with me. In 6 months I never questioned if he was into me ever. I have literally seen him everytime I have been available for months, and he requests more time. That's why I am so mad and confused and hurt. I mean I am not good either aboit talking about my feelings so maybe he really is unsure where I stand, but I thought my actions were enough.

 

That's why I am going to say how I feel and find out how he does. No anger or anything just hey we are 6 months in where are we each at feelings wise.

[Gaeta]

That's why it shocked me so much. I thought we were just fine. Even in my previous threads I said through HIS actions and words I thought we had a great relationship. Besides being on the quiet side he always shows me affection, paid attention to what I like, asked me about my day. Consistently texted and called me. I met his family and friends, though later into the relationship than is probably typical. He took me to weekends away with his friends. He looks at my with a spark in his eyes. Holds my hands, walks past me and caresses me. Says all the things you'd think he'd say at this point. He talks to me about his summer plans with me. In 6 months I never questioned if he was into me ever. I have literally seen him everytime I have been available for months, and he requests more time. That's why I am so mad and confused and hurt. I mean I am not good either aboit talking about my feelings so maybe he really is unsure where I stand, but I thought my actions were enough.

 

That's why I am going to say how I feel and find out how he does. No anger or anything just hey we are 6 months in where are we each at feelings wise.

 

You need to think outside the box here.

 

If you ask him what he wants he will tell you he wants a long term relationship and he will fill you with everything you want to hear.

 

You need to be smarter.

 

I don't doubt he wants to keep you in his life but I doubt he is a faithful man. He did all these things with you because he wanted to. I don't think he's pretending but I think he might have a double life, and he's not about to tell you about it.

[katiegrl]

I don't think she should assume anything about him being on the site because SHE was on the site as well for an "innocent" reason.

 

Did you miss the part stating that he actually emailed her fake profile?

 

I would hardly call that "innocent".

[elaine567]

Did you miss the part stating that he actually emailed her fake profile?

 

I would hardly call that "innocent".

 

That is where it all went pear shaped. This guy as been single for 8 years and I get the "entertainment" value of looking at profiles, its probably just a habit, BUT when looking progresses to contacting, it is a different ball game, especially when the OPs fake profile was pictureless...

[katiegrl]

If he is not on the same page, you need to know, and you need to take appropriate action.

 

 

Isn't it obvious he's NOT on the same page?

 

If they were on the same page, then why the hell is he searching for and actually emailing other women on a dating site?

 

Renae.... there is nothing to be gained in talking or clarifying anything. It's not like you've only been dating a month or two -- you have been in a "relationship," spending every weekend together, meeting friends and family, texting throughout the day, lots of I miss you's, etc. for SIX MONTHS -- this is a full-blown relationship, talk or no talk.

 

The fact he behaves in way leading you to believe you are in a relationship, but then skulking and emailing other women on a dating indicates to me the guy is not only NOT on the same page, he is a scammer and a cheat.

 

I hope you have been using protection.