So I guess I was wrong [update! 2016-06-08]

[Renae]

Hon, he's not planning an exit, he's planning fun with someone else.

 

I smell a cheater. Plain and simple.

 

Sorry I missed this. You might very well be right. Becuase not being into isn't right. And j know people can convince themselves of lots of things, but I can see it in his eyes how much he does care. But he does suck and is probably stringing me along becuase I am easy and is hooking up on the side.

[katiegrl]

Also, to add to my previous post... what makes you think that even if you were to "talk" to him, he would be honest with you?

 

Obviously he still wants to date you (complete with all the perks like regular sex)... so he's gonna tell you exactly what you want to hear.

 

You don't ask a scammer and a cheat for "clarification" after six months of being in a relationship for heaven's sake.

 

You just leave, buh bye, have a nice life.

[Cinnamonstix]

Perhaps you should ask yourself what kind of man you want.

 

I would be embarrassed by his behaviour. He is out there acting single for all of the world to see. I also wouldn't want a man that messages anything with a v even if he were single.

Edited February 16, 2016 by Cinnamonstix

[iphone_user1]

They are enjoying time with you, they don't want it to end, it feels good to them. I think I explained/gave you the definition of a Quality Casual Guy earlier. He's a good guy, he likes you, he wants to spend time with you and treats you like a girlfriend. It's kinda like "making an honest woman" of you at least. He's not a bad guy, he's not evil. He may actually love you. What you are wanting is someone who is "In Love" with you and seeing you in their long-term future. He may not be planning an exit yet, he's just leaving that door open for himself because he probably expects it will end at some point -- maybe because of history, etc.

 

That's the reason for clarifying in the very beginning and then communicating at various points to make sure you're still on the same page even if you had been at the beginning. In the beginning it's just about the general goal matching and no one can say it will be with each other very early.

 

Hey Redhead14. Where can I read more of your posts about the Quality Casual Guy? I think I'm becoming one.

[Renae]

Also, to add to my previous post... what makes you think that even if you were to "talk" to him, he would be honest with you?

 

Obviously he still wants to date you (complete with all the perks like regular sex)... so he's gonna tell you exactly what you want to hear.

 

You don't ask a scammer and a cheat for "clarification" after six months of being in a relationship for heaven's sake.

 

You just leave, buh bye, have a nice life.

 

You are right he easily could lie to me about what he wants

[Redhead14]

Hey Redhead14. Where can I read more of your posts about the Quality Casual Guy? I think I'm becoming one.

 

IPhone, I've reposted my last description from another thread below:

 

They do pretty much everything that makes a woman feel like he's more invested than he really is. They are great guys, they do care about the woman, but they don't want a committed relationship. They may want exclusivity/boyfriend/girlfriend but that's all they want -- no marriage and not even living together. If you don't want to marry anyone, then it's not really a problem, unless they are emotionally unavailable. That's tougher to deal with.

 

They are not necessarily or always emotionally unavailable. The ones who are also emotionally unavailable will do all the "usual" signs of being in a relationship, but the woman always feels kinda at arm's length. They aren't very demonstrative, don't really like PDA. She's just not feeling a very deep connection from him. She's aware of it if she is tuned into herself. Lots of women, though, might feel very connected herself, but she's usually just seeing what she wants to see. They take you to family events or do similar things and usually the woman views it as a sign of advancing the relationship to a "higher level' working toward commitment, but in the guy's mind, he's just bringing his date to the event. These guys just don't want to be alone all the time and they know they need to do things to keep a woman's interest, so they make it all look good. But, if you push them, they will be honest and tell you and usually say things in the beginning that says they aren't looking for commitment like being married, and the woman will say to herself, well, he sure doesn't act like it and tell herself to give it more time til he "comes around". A girlfriend is fine, but that's it.

 

The ones that are emotionally available will make her feel great all the way around but they still don't want to be married or live together.

 

These guys are pretty upfront. They will say things if questioned like "I don't know what I want", "I'm not sure I want a relationship" among other things, yet, they won't let go easily if the woman decides to move on either. They want someone in their lives but on some level most of them know they can't maintain the kind of relationship the woman wants so he tries to "warn" her. And, if it fails -- he told her so. They aren't trying to be evil or sneaky or anything like that, they just don't want a commitment.

 

Bottomline, if a guy is making you feel good, doing all the right things, while saying things like I highlighted above, believe what he says. Don't wait for him to change his mind for you, it's not likely to happen. Sure, there's a very slim possibility, but I wouldn't hang my hat on a slim possibility if I were looking for marriage for myself. Some of them can do this for years or as long as the woman can hold out herself.

 

There isn't anything wrong with that if both parties are on that page. But, if the guy also doesn't appear to be "all in" on an emotional level, it's really hard for the woman to stick it out. He's giving it all he's got probably, but it's usually not enough for a woman unless she turns a blind eye to her own needs in a relationship.

[Renae]

Isn't it obvious he's NOT on the same page?

 

If they were on the same page, then why the hell is he searching for and actually emailing other women on a dating site?

 

Renae.... there is nothing to be gained in talking or clarifying anything. It's not like you've only been dating a month or two -- you have been in a "relationship," spending every weekend together, meeting friends and family, texting throughout the day, lots of I miss you's, etc. for SIX MONTHS -- this is a full-blown relationship, talk or no talk.

 

The fact he behaves in way leading you to believe you are in a relationship, but then skulking and emailing other women on a dating indicates to me the guy is not only NOT on the same page, he is a scammer and a cheat.

 

I hope you have been using protection.

 

Thank you for all of this. I seriously have very little dating experience and this really sucks.

[Redhead14]

Thank you for all of this. I seriously have very little dating experience and this really sucks.

 

Just play this out if for no other reason but to make it a learning experience . . . he said he wanted to talk to you, yes? Let him talk.

[katiegrl]

Thank you for all of this. I seriously have very little dating experience and this really sucks.

 

You are very welcome.

 

Sometimes all it takes is taking off the rose-colored glasses and seeing things as they are....not as you would like them to be.

 

And having self-respect and not settling for anything less than a man who is 100% into you (especially after six months). And just utilizing common sense (which often times falls by the wayside in these types of situations).

 

And if a man is searching for and actually emailing other women, then you can be sure he is NOT 100% into you and does not want an exclusive committed RL with you.... despite leading you to believe otherwise.

 

Good luck moving forward hun.... keep us posted.

[Renae]

IPhone, I've reposted my last description from another thread below:

 

They do pretty much everything that makes a woman feel like he's more invested than he really is. They are great guys, they do care about the woman, but they don't want a committed relationship. They may want exclusivity/boyfriend/girlfriend but that's all they want -- no marriage and not even living together. If you don't want to marry anyone, then it's not really a problem, unless they are emotionally unavailable. That's tougher to deal with.

 

They are not necessarily or always emotionally unavailable. The ones who are also emotionally unavailable will do all the "usual" signs of being in a relationship, but the woman always feels kinda at arm's length. They aren't very demonstrative, don't really like PDA. She's just not feeling a very deep connection from him. She's aware of it if she is tuned into herself. Lots of women, though, might feel very connected herself, but she's usually just seeing what she wants to see. They take you to family events or do similar things and usually the woman views it as a sign of advancing the relationship to a "higher level' working toward commitment, but in the guy's mind, he's just bringing his date to the event. These guys just don't want to be alone all the time and they know they need to do things to keep a woman's interest, so they make it all look good. But, if you push them, they will be honest and tell you and usually say things in the beginning that says they aren't looking for commitment like being married, and the woman will say to herself, well, he sure doesn't act like it and tell herself to give it more time til he "comes around". A girlfriend is fine, but that's it.

 

The ones that are emotionally available will make her feel great all the way around but they still don't want to be married or live together.

 

These guys are pretty upfront. They will say things if questioned like "I don't know what I want", "I'm not sure I want a relationship" among other things, yet, they won't let go easily if the woman decides to move on either. They want someone in their lives but on some level most of them know they can't maintain the kind of relationship the woman wants so he tries to "warn" her. And, if it fails -- he told her so. They aren't trying to be evil or sneaky or anything like that, they just don't want a commitment.

 

Bottomline, if a guy is making you feel good, doing all the right things, while saying things like I highlighted above, believe what he says. Don't wait for him to change his mind for you, it's not likely to happen. Sure, there's a very slim possibility, but I wouldn't hang my hat on a slim possibility if I were looking for marriage for myself. Some of them can do this for years or as long as the woman can hold out herself.

 

There isn't anything wrong with that if both parties are on that page. But, if the guy also doesn't appear to be "all in" on an emotional level, it's really hard for the woman to stick it out. He's giving it all he's got probably, but it's usually not enough for a woman unless she turns a blind eye to her own needs in a relationship.

Thanks for taking the time to help me out.

[Larryville]

No anger or anything just hey we are 6 months in where are we each at feelings wise.

 

 

Obviously he still wants to date you (complete with all the perks like regular sex)... so he's gonna tell you exactly what you want to hear. You don't ask a scammer and a cheat for "clarification" after six months of being in a relationship for heaven's sake. You just leave, buh bye, have a nice life.

 

 

Isn't it obvious he's NOT on the same page? If they were on the same page, then why the hell is he searching for and actually emailing other women on a dating site?

 

 

That is where it all went pear shaped. This guy as been single for 8 years and I get the "entertainment" value of looking at profiles, its probably just a habit, BUT when looking progresses to contacting, it is a different ball game, especially when the OPs fake profile was pictureless...

 

 

If you ask him what he wants he will tell you he wants a long term relationship and he will fill you with everything you want to hear.

 

 

The value of sites like this, we completely become mentally blind to reality, sometimes takes others to force us to see…

 

 

 

As a guy I can say, most guys are not that bright dudes are not that clever. Too many women allow dudes to get away with stuff because some get caught up with not wanting to be lonely or give up someone.

 

 

“Giving up” is often treated as a negative the phrase itself has connotations of failure and weakness when in reality, a willingness to walk away from something is actually an expression of strength and control. When we find ourselves in a negative situation, the ability to change it by leaving is the ultimate expression of power AND attractiveness.

 

 

 

Don’t lose out on the future right guy because you refuse to give up on clearly the current wrong guy…

[Redhead14]

Thanks for taking the time to help me out.

 

 

Renae, I reposted that for IPhone, but that's what we're here for

[katiegrl]

Just play this out if for no other reason but to make it a learning experience . . . he said he wanted to talk to you, yes? Let him talk.

 

Why.... so he can bullshyt her more than he has been already?

 

I am not understanding your posts on this thread RH.

 

I was under the assumption you advocated women having self-respect and not settling for this type of BS.

 

Again, it's been SIX MONTHS of behaving like he's in an exclusive RL with her... leading to commitment.

 

My ex and I never "clarified" or "defined" our relationship -- his actions and my actions confirmed that we were.

 

There was tacit agreement in place which is every bit as valid as having a verbal conversation about it. More so IMO, because men often BS about what they want or don't actually know what they want.... it's their ACTIONS that we should listen to.

 

That is why Renae's guy's behavior is so egregious. Because his ACTIONS were saying they were in a RL....when in fact they were NOT... and he's been searching for and maybe even dating, screwing other women the entire time.

 

Anyway.... we were together SIX YEARS, without having that "let's clarify things talk."

 

When he asked me to marry him after 5.5 years, maybe that would have been a good time to say "I guess this means you want to be exclusive with me"? LOL

Edited February 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

Thanks for taking the time to help me out.

 

I think it's strange that he said he wanted to talk to you about something from online right after all this fake profile/messaging thing. Let's see what goes down. He may be preparing to just do what you're wanting to do anyway.

[elaine567]

They take you to family events or do similar things and usually the woman views it as a sign of advancing the relationship to a "higher level' working toward commitment, but in the guy's mind, he's just bringing his date to the event.

 

I remember some-one posting here about her family member who sounds like one of these guys. He always showed up to major family events with girls who obviously thought and acted like they were "the one", but the family knew were just part of a long line of his "dates". He even took one of these girls to a family funeral too...

[katiegrl]

I remember some-one posting here about her family member who sounds like one of these guys. He always showed up to major family events with girls who obviously thought and acted like they were "the one", but the family knew were just part of a long line of his "dates". He even took one of these girls to a family funeral too...

 

Did he also spend every weekend with these "different girls"...text them throughout the day... lots of "I miss you's," to all of them.... introduce all of them to all his friends? Make plans for the future with all of them?

 

The guy is a scammer, period.

Edited February 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

Why.... so he can bullshyt her more than he has been already?

 

I am not understanding your posts on this thread RH.

 

I was under the assumption you advocated women having self-respect and not settling for this type of BS.

 

Again, it's been SIX MONTHS of behaving like he's in an exclusive RL with her... leading to commitment.

 

My ex and I never "clarified" or "defined" our relationship -- his actions and my actions confirmed that we were.

 

There was tacit agreement in place which is every bit as valid as having a verbal conversation about it. More so IMO, because men often BS about what they want or don't actually know what they want.... it's their ACTIONS that we should listen to.

 

That is why Renae's guy's behavior is so egregious. Because his ACTIONS were saying they were in a RL....when in fact they were NOT... and he's been searching for and maybe even dating, screwing other women the entire time.

 

Anyway.... we were together SIX YEARS, without having that "let's clarify things talk."

 

When he asked me to marry him after 5.5 years, maybe that would have been a good time to say "I guess this means you want to be exclusive with me"? LOL

 

My ex and I never "clarified" or "defined" our relationship -- his actions and my actions confirmed that we were. -- I think you were just one of the lucky ones, really. It's a different world now that's all and it's not often that people just happen to be on the same page and so tuned in to one another. On top of that, not very men and women are so in tune with themselves.

 

having self-respect and not settling for this type of BS. -- We just don't know what's going on with him PERIOD. There is absolutely no harm in talking and listening, telling him what she wants for herself, etc. She's spent six months with him, feeling completely satisfied. I seriously doubt he's saying to himself "hey, let's make this LOOK good. She wasn't feeling the need to clarify things either . . . yet, she should have.

 

All I'm saying is that it's not BS unless he's told her he wanted to be or is exclusive with her. It would be BS if he said/did that and then proceeded to be on the dating site, etc.

 

They've never discussed anything about their futures and it's simply come to the point where that needs to happen. She has some concern now and so she's establishing her boundaries and maintaining her self respect by addressing it head on.

[katiegrl]

My ex and I never "clarified" or "defined" our relationship -- his actions and my actions confirmed that we were. -- I think you were just one of the lucky ones, really. It's a different world now that's all and it's not often that people just happen to be on the same page and so tuned in to one another. On top of that, not very men and women are so in tune with themselves.

 

having self-respect and not settling for this type of BS. -- We just don't know what's going on with him PERIOD. There is absolutely no harm in talking and listening, telling him what she wants for herself, etc. She's spent six months with him, feeling completely satisfied. I seriously doubt he's saying to himself "hey, let's make this LOOK good. She wasn't feeling the need to clarify things either . . . yet, she should have.

 

All I'm saying is that it's not BS unless he's told her he wanted to be or is exclusive with her. It would be BS if he said/did that and then proceeded to be on the dating site, etc.

 

They've never discussed anything about their futures and it's simply come to the point where that needs to happen. She has some concern now and so she's establishing her boundaries and maintaining her self respect by addressing it head on.

 

Okay I have calmed down.... good points (especially about it being a different world now... fair enough).

 

Good luck Renae....keep us posted.

[Redhead14]

Okay I have calmed down.... good points (especially about it being a different world now... fair enough).

 

Good luck Renae....keep us posted.

 

Katie, we always agree, just at different times sometimes . . . Luv ya, Babeeeee.

[Redhead14]

The dating situation now has become kind of a "roll your own" thing. So many different kinds of "relationships" that people are wanting. It used to be that, guy meets girl, guy likes girl, girl likes guy. Everybody gets married and raises a family. That's not so now. The dating pool is also becoming more saturated with people who have been married and divorced and not wanting all that. So, especially if you're older and now swimming in the pool, you need to find out who wants what . . .

[elaine567]

Did he also spend every weekend with these "different girls"...text them throughout the day... lots of "I miss you's," to all of them.... introduce all of them to all his friends? Make plans for the future with all of them?

I don't think the poster went into that much detail, I remembered it because it seemed so off to me to keep bringing his latest "squeeze" to all those important family events over the years and for everyone to be aware that he was not likely to be "serious" with her, but the poor girl was oblivious, due I guess to a lot of bull on his part...

[katiegrl]

Katie, we always agree, just at different times sometimes . . . Luv ya, Babeeeee.

 

I know.... it's just scary for me tis all. I have always had good experiences (for the most part) in so far as I have never been ghosted, faded or cheated on.

 

But now that I am back dating (well, not now but eventually) reading all these stories about ghosting and fading, and well, now this -- just really gives me pause.

 

I have never felt the need to clarify or have "the talk" in any of my LTRs.... but I suppose in this new "different" world, I have no choice now.

 

When the time comes, expect to be hearing from me!!

 

Thanks RH.

 

Luvs ya too

[Redhead14]

Did he also spend every weekend with these "different girls"...text them throughout the day... lots of "I miss you's," to all of them.... introduce all of them to all his friends? Make plans for the future with all of them?

 

The guy is a scammer, period.

 

Yeah, this guy is. A Quality Casual guy, doesn't bring a different girl all the time. He sticks with one at least.

[Gaeta]

Any news Renae?

[Renae]

So I know I haven't updated this so I figured I would. Truthfully I am kinda embarrassed of how I chose to handle it, and didn't want to post here.

I never confronted him. I thought about what I wanted out of the relationship right now, and I decided I was okay with keeping it casual. Thought I could handle the idea that he was possibly seeing other women, by stating I can't control him anyways. I know insert eyeroll. I did decide I would hold off on him meeting my kids. That's what I have been doing for the last month. I really thought that I was okay with it, until last weekend.

 

Last Friday night he invited over a friend and his wife. We were all drinking. His friends wife asked me to go to the bathroom with her. Up in the bathroom she told me that he had a relationship with a woman that ended a year or so ago. He dated her for 2 yrs. The woman really thought he was going to marry her. He ended the relationship one morning, after she had spent the night with him, and he just said it was over. He couldn't see her anymore. His friends wife told me he has had a bunch of women in and out, but none have been this long. I am the longest someone has lasted since this relationship. She said that he must be interested in me because he doesn't string people along, and that if he isn't into someone he just moves on. She said her husband said he talks about me a lot and really seems to like me but to be careful. And that he just walks away when he gets scared or feels too close or just because he isn't interested anymore.

 

This freaked me out, and I was drinking,.and that night after having sex I told him that I really liked him, thought I loved him and that I needed to know if he really had feelings for me. And that if he didn't I would rather have him just tell me that he doesn't. He told me he really does like me. I said that I was afraid of getting hurt. And it was scary, and some half sleeping mumblings about not looking for anything when I met him, and that I didn't think I would like him. I asked him if he was ever scared and he pulled me closer and whipered always. I fell asleep and never brought it back up. We hung out the whole next day and nothing was different.

 

I felt like I should tell him that it wasnt just drunken talk, and that I meant it. So last night, which is the first I'be seen him since I left his house saturday. I brought it up again. We were laying in bed and I told him I meant what I said the other day. About how I felt. And he said he knew. I kinda climbed on top of him playfully and asked him if what i said freaked him out and he didn't answer. That made me nervous and I am not really good at talking about my feelings, so i jokingly said so that's a yes. And he said no comment. Keeping up a playful banter said well okay I guess I can do casual, and he said..... you are pressing me. He said it semi sarcastic jokingly, but knew he wanted to drop it. I know I shouldn't have but I just kept the playful banter up and said oh yeha, so how about you just kiss me then, and I did and we had sex. Afterwards we laid there and talked about other things.

 

I laid there for a long time having my own fears, I felt like getting out of the bed and just leaving. I thought about writing him a letter about what I needed, and how I wasnt pressing him. And that after 6 months I deserve some sort of an idea on where he stands. And that i am just as afeaid as he is. And that i shared my feelings, and i5 sucked to not have anything said back. And to let me know when he wants to talk. But I stayed. We woke up and acted like nothing was different, and I am not sure what I want to do now.

 

So I know I need to run, and run fast. I know it isn't going to end well. I know he is scared of intimacy, and of getting hurt. I am really okay with the push and pull that he does. I don't need a lot of attention, or time. I like my space too. I can deal with that part of his personality.

 

As someone pointed out here, I need to figure out what I want or need. My expectations. I really like him. I like his wit, and enjoy the time I spend with him. Our personalities mesh really well. He does lots of things show me he is really interested. I need some verbal assurance that he is. I don't need a big discusion, I kinda hate them anyways. I need to know where I stand is all. I don't need him to love me or want to spend the rest of his life with me. I want to be exclusive, and to see where things go.

 

I am considering A. Waiting it out this next week and seeing how things go. Not being quite as available to call or text. Don't pursue him, go back to mirroring. That kind of stuff. My schedule is set with my kids so we have a set seeing each other schedule, which is this Saturday night.

B. Text him the some of the above and what I need and to tell him if he can't do that I can't date him anymore.