So I guess I was wrong [update! 2016-06-08]

[Renae]

So this isn't the first thread I've made about a guy I am dating. You can look up my past threads but in short

 

I am embarrassed to admit I am now 9 months into a undefined relationship with a man, who I really like, probably love who doesn't talk to me at all about how he feels. To stick up.for him I have only brought up the subject once drunk and once sober. The first time he said he liked me and was scared, the second conversation he said I was pressing him. It was really hard for me to start the second conversation.

 

I know I need to

 

1. Be very clear that I am falling in love with him.

2. That I want an exclusive relationship with him

3. I want to know where he stands on the realtionship.

 

But I can't do it. I am afraid he will walk away, and yes I know that I am better off then. I really like the casualness of the relationship but really don't like the idea he is seeing other women potentially so casual won't work for me. I just can't get past the anxiety. I am like this in every relationship, and I never tell anyone my real feelings. I was emotionally abused as a child, and an adult so it is hard to get past the fear. Fear of saying anything. And yes I am going to counseling.

 

Has anyone ever dealt with this and how did you get past the fear?

[mortensorchid]

Fish or cut bait situation on both your parts, it sounds like.

 

You said that you want to be serious with him, yet you yourself like the fact that you are casual. It's an unsure state on both your parts it sounds like. And you're afraid of saying what you feel. Do you want to spend more time feeling like this? It sounds like the answer is no.

 

What do you really want? Say it.

[Buddhist]

Has anyone ever dealt with this and how did you get past the fear?

 

Yes i have dealt with this. You get past it by stop dating because you realise that dating is an escape from the real issue. You get single, then you confront your anxiety, fears and insecurities head on.

 

Unfortunately nearly every relationship is about two people escaping their uncomfortable feelings about themselves by engaging with someone else. The funny thing about that is, relationships will magnify, not diminish this discomfort. Don't worry sooner or later this relationship will end and then you'll be single anyway and can deal with it then.

 

I don't mean to rub salt into your wound but in all honesty, life will keep doing that to you until such time as you face that inner discomfort. I'm not doing anything here that life will not bring to your door anyway. I wish some annoying person on the internet had given me that heads up about 20yrs ago, instead of letting me discover it on my own in my 40's.

 

Counselling is a good start, but in all honesty is counselling actually worked there wouldn't be such a large proportion of the population earning lucrative careers counselling. We'd all be cured by now. It's good practice but it won't fix the problem. I found a method for me which is fixing the problem, it's highly unpleasant and I wouldn't recommend it for a hobby. But I'm sure there's more than one way to do the job so keep looking for the solution. I'm a big believer that when the student is ready the teacher appears and it's not a one size fits all solution. You'll find the right avenue when you are ready to confront the problem.

[Renae]

I have greatly considered sending him a message instead of saying it. Becuase it isn't necessarily coming up with how I feel. It's the actually saying it part that I struggle with..... this was my rough draft.

 

 

I fell in love you. I didn't mean to. It just kinda happened one day between the movies, and laughing, and the food. It was probably the food. Maybe it's the way you make me laugh. Or give the big eyes. Or the look you give me when I say something you dont expect. I even might kind of love your condescending tone. Being with you makes me happy.

 

I know you do all kinds of things to show me you really care about me, like saving me the last bite of wontonians, hell even calling them that. And I really appreciate all those things. But those are all just clues, they could mean everything, or nothing at all.

 

I cant keep guessing anymore. Who am I to you? Where is this going? It's more than FWB, but maybe you just don't want to commit. Or you like casual, or the feeling of being in a relationship without saying you are. Maybe some girl screwed you, and not in the good way, or maybe I'm just not enough. Analyzing things is my crazy, and I can't figure you out.

 

I know you dont like talking about feelings. But I need to know how you feel. I don't need you to say you love me. That's not what I am looking for. I just dont want to guess anymore. I don't want everything to change. I don't need more of your time. I am not going to pressure you into something you don't want. I'm not going to give you ultimatums. I am not going to be mad, or angry about what you say even if it's not what I want to hear. I just want your truth.

[BaileyB]

Renae, just wanted to say that I'm in a similar situation right now. This relationship has been slowly building and it's currently undefined. It's progressing more this week but taking that step - to tell him how I feel and take that risk - is like stepping off a cliff for me. I'm also anxious and hoping that he will say something first... So, no real advice except to say, I feel your pain and it's not a comfortable or easy place to be. Take care.

[JustGettingBy]

As someone else who was abused as a child, and finds it almost impossible to tell your feelings, I definitely see where you're coming from. You feel your situation isn't optimal, but you feel that opening up your mouth or heart will just lead to you getting hurt. Here's an idea that's worked for me in the past:

 

Write down what you want to say. Read it out loud. If you can't see yourself saying that to his face, revise it. When done, then confront him. Note, however that this could take weeks, even months. Hang in there, baby.

[Renae]

Fish or cut bait situation on both your parts, it sounds like.

 

You said that you want to be serious with him, yet you yourself like the fact that you are casual. It's an unsure state on both your parts it sounds like. And you're afraid of saying what you feel. Do you want to spend more time feeling like this? It sounds like the answer is no.

 

What do you really want? Say it.

 

I feel great when I am with him. We have alot of fun. He is kind, think a of things I would like ,etc. I just freak out in the alone times. I don't know what I want exactly. I do know I want to be in an exclusive relationship with him, but b ed case of circumstances I don't think the realtionship is for the long hall. So that is what I mean but casual. I have 3 little kids. He is at a different point in his life. Those things, and others, make me feel like it isn't a longterm relationship. But I really like spending time with him.

[Renae]

Yes i have dealt with this. You get past it by stop dating because you realise that dating is an escape from the real issue. You get single, then you confront your anxiety, fears and insecurities head on.

 

Unfortunately nearly every relationship is about two people escaping their uncomfortable feelings about themselves by engaging with someone else. The funny thing about that is, relationships will magnify, not diminish this discomfort. Don't worry sooner or later this relationship will end and then you'll be single anyway and can deal with it then.

 

I don't mean to rub salt into your wound but in all honesty, life will keep doing that to you until such time as you face that inner discomfort. I'm not doing anything here that life will not bring to your door anyway. I wish some annoying person on the internet had given me that heads up about 20yrs ago, instead of letting me discover it on my own in my 40's.

 

Counselling is a good start, but in all honesty is counselling actually worked there wouldn't be such a large proportion of the population earning lucrative careers counselling. We'd all be cured by now. It's good practice but it won't fix the problem. I found a method for me which is fixing the problem, it's highly unpleasant and I wouldn't recommend it for a hobby. But I'm sure there's more than one way to do the job so keep looking for the solution. I'm a big believer that when the student is ready the teacher appears and it's not a one size fits all solution. You'll find the right avenue when you are ready to confront the problem.

 

 

It is really hard to wor through all the anxiety. I know it will end eventually. I just dontold want to feel like I could have done something

[Renae]

As someone else who was abused as a child, and finds it almost impossible to tell your feelings, I definitely see where you're coming from. You feel your situation isn't optimal, but you feel that opening up your mouth or heart will just lead to you getting hurt. Here's an idea that's worked for me in the past:

 

Write down what you want to say. Read it out loud. If you can't see yourself saying that to his face, revise it. When done, then confront him. Note, however that this could take weeks, even months. Hang in there, baby.

 

Thank you. I have been debating on saying something for months. And then I feel bad about not doing it before.

[preraph]

There is something to the logic that you don't want to be the first one to ask for exclusivity. I would much rather not have to do that. I'd rather they wanted to do it, and then I have more faith that they actually mean it and aren't just saying it to lock me down while they keep playing, although that can and has happened too.

 

But you have to do this: Keep dating other people. I'm telling you that if I learned one thing in my long life, it is to NEVER sit around waiting for some guy who has given you no commitment, no matter how mushy he gets in bed. If he has not asked for a commitment, date others. Don't rub it in his face, but don't hide it either. No details, nothing he can tell himself you're just trying to make him jealous. Just when you have a date with someone else, just say "Sorry, not tonight. I already have plans." That's it. And go have fun with a date or go out with friends or whatever, but never ever sit around waiting for an uncommitted man because if you let him dally in this first year of the relationship, when he should be the most in love with you he's ever going to be and you let him think you will just put up with anything, then he will never step up and be a good reliable man with you or worry about your feelings or try to really protect and please you.

 

Don't even notify him. I mean, you've already expressed that you are looking for a commitment and he's said no. So you've already given him the warning he needs. You don't need to break up because there's no commitment that either of you aren't seeing other people.

 

Date other people, go out with friends, stop making him your focus. And I hope instead of this drawing him to you, which it might, when he can't take you for granted anymore, that instead it culminates in you finding a better guy who deserves you more.

[Gaeta]

I was emotionally abused as a child, and an adult so it is hard to get past the fear. Fear of saying anything. And yes I am going to counseling.

 

Then honey, why in the world do you pick men that are emotionally unavailable? You know you have suffered a great deal as a child so why aren't you kind to yourself and pick a man that is very demonstrative of his love? You're like someone allergic to bees but insists on keeping a Bee Hive. Why do you do this to yourself?

 

Say what you have to say and you will be just fine. If he is not in love then you let him go. It's the end of something so you can open your life to someone available and ready to love. You'll be just fine.

[Gaeta]

There is something to the logic that you don't want to be the first one to ask for exclusivity. I would much rather not have to do that. I'd rather they wanted to do it, and then I have more faith that they actually mean it and aren't just saying it to lock me down while they keep playing, although that can and has happened too.

 

But you have to do this: Keep dating other people. I'm telling you that if I learned one thing in my long life, it is to NEVER sit around waiting for some guy who has given you no commitment, no matter how mushy he gets in bed. If he has not asked for a commitment, date others. Don't rub it in his face, but don't hide it either. No details, nothing he can tell himself you're just trying to make him jealous. Just when you have a date with someone else, just say "Sorry, not tonight. I already have plans." That's it. And go have fun with a date or go out with friends or whatever, but never ever sit around waiting for an uncommitted man because if you let him dally in this first year of the relationship, when he should be the most in love with you he's ever going to be and you let him think you will just put up with anything, then he will never step up and be a good reliable man with you or worry about your feelings or try to really protect and please you.

 

Don't even notify him. I mean, you've already expressed that you are looking for a commitment and he's said no. So you've already given him the warning he needs. You don't need to break up because there's no commitment that either of you aren't seeing other people.

 

Date other people, go out with friends, stop making him your focus. And I hope instead of this drawing him to you, which it might, when he can't take you for granted anymore, that instead it culminates in you finding a better guy who deserves you more.

 

That is easier said than done. After 9 months she is emotionally involved with this man and I am sure she has no desire what so ever to start engaging with other men.

 

Where did she say she wanted a commitment and he said no? a past thread?

[Renae]

Then honey, why in the world do you pick men that are emotionally unavailable? You know you have suffered a great deal as a child so why aren't you kind to yourself and pick a man that is very demonstrative of his love? You're like someone allergic to bees but insists on keeping a Bee Hive. Why do you do this to yourself?

 

Say what you have to say and you will be just fine. If he is not in love then you let him go. It's the end of something so you can open your life to someone available and ready to love. You'll be just fine.

 

I think I picked him becuase it was easy. I liked the casualness becuase it didn't make me face the rough stuff that I was going through. He was a perfect escape. He shows me.affection. All of his actuons tell me hr is into me, but he just doeant say anything. I have never questioned that he truly cares about me. I think he has his own demons to work.through, and it made it easier not to face mine. Except I fell for him.

 

I'm not even sure if I am ready to hear that he is in love with me. I dont think I was ready for a relationship and I shouldn't have gotten into this in the first place

Edited June 9, 2016 by Renae

[Renae]

This is why I don't say anything. Besides still having the okcupid, he does everything I would want a guy to do.he show me lots of ways he cares. It is my birthday next week and he just messaged me asking my size becuase he found me the batman shirt I've been looking for. I don't doubt that he cares, but I can't get past the okcupid profile and not knowing where we are.

[preraph]

That is easier said than done. After 9 months she is emotionally involved with this man and I am sure she has no desire what so ever to start engaging with other men.

 

Where did she say she wanted a commitment and he said no? a past thread?

 

Well, I didn't either. I'm like a horse with blinders on when I'm in love. But an unrequited love is very unhealthy, and I finally learned in my late 20s to force myself to see other people, and it's one of the smartest things I ever did. If you want a situation to change, change begins with you and getting out of your comfort zone and using self-discipline and doing something to change your focus.

[Cinnamonstix]

This is why I don't say anything. Besides still having the okcupid, he does everything I would want a guy to do.he show me lots of ways he cares. It is my birthday next week and he just messaged me asking my size becuase he found me the batman shirt I've been looking for. I don't doubt that he cares, but I can't get past the okcupid profile and not knowing where we are.

 

If he still has an okCupid profile at 9 months in, that's pretty much all you need to know.

[Renae]

If he still has an okCupid profile at 9 months in, that's pretty much all you need to know.

 

I dont think so. The profile comes and goes.

[tinkerbell16]

I have greatly considered sending him a message instead of saying it. Becuase it isn't necessarily coming up with how I feel. It's the actually saying it part that I struggle with..... this was my rough draft.

 

 

I fell in love you. I didn't mean to. It just kinda happened one day between the movies, and laughing, and the food. It was probably the food. Maybe it's the way you make me laugh. Or give the big eyes. Or the look you give me when I say something you dont expect. I even might kind of love your condescending tone. Being with you makes me happy.

 

I know you do all kinds of things to show me you really care about me, like saving me the last bite of wontonians, hell even calling them that. And I really appreciate all those things. But those are all just clues, they could mean everything, or nothing at all.

 

I cant keep guessing anymore. Who am I to you? Where is this going? It's more than FWB, but maybe you just don't want to commit. Or you like casual, or the feeling of being in a relationship without saying you are. Maybe some girl screwed you, and not in the good way, or maybe I'm just not enough. Analyzing things is my crazy, and I can't figure you out.

 

I know you dont like talking about feelings. But I need to know how you feel. I don't need you to say you love me. That's not what I am looking for. I just dont want to guess anymore. I don't want everything to change. I don't need more of your time. I am not going to pressure you into something you don't want. I'm not going to give you ultimatums. I am not going to be mad, or angry about what you say even if it's not what I want to hear.

 

 

Renae, Learn your worth. Retrain your thought process.

Abuse can damage self worth and make you feel in some way unworthy of love. Don't allow it. Realizing you are worthy of love and your past abuse was trauma you endured AND survived but does not define who you are are your first steps in establishing healthy boundaries. The wording in your letter is alarming to me in the respect that it is almost desperate to be accepted and loved by him. Unless you have established you are both dating around if he is still dating other women he does not value you and he will only serve to damage your self esteem. You yourself said you are not even sure you were ready to be in a relationship, maybe step back and take the time nurture yourself so you are able to better recognize what genuine love feels like and don't settle for anything less in a partner.

[Renae]

Tibkerbell. I didn't send him that letter. I k ew it was over the top. That was my inner thought, which I know are unhealthy. I am working through them.

 

Besides the random okcupid thing, he is a great guy. And I think sometimes I may come off as not knowing what I want and maybe he isn't even sure where I stand.

 

I don't date. This is the first guy I've dated since I was 19. This is all a learning experience for me.

[Cinnamonstix]

I dont think so. The profile comes and goes.

 

That doesn't make it any better. A man who was in love with you or falling in love with you would not have a profile at all.

 

I think the relationship has lasted as long as it has because you have shown him that you accept the little amount he is giving you. He has the best of both worlds - he has you and his single status.

[Gaeta]

The profile comes and goes.

 

How do you know his profile comes an goes? Are you online yourself?

[Renae]

No its public. And I have friends online who tell me. He gets close and things get more serious and then he reactivate it. Like the first time he said he loved me he reactivated it the next day.

[Renae]

If it wasn't for the profile I wouldn't have doubts.

[Gaeta]

Remember your last thread ?

 

* Up in the bathroom she told me that he had a relationship with a woman that ended a year or so ago. He dated her for 2 yrs. The woman really thought he was going to marry her. He ended the relationship one morning, after she had spent the night with him, and he just said it was over. He couldn't see her anymore. His friends wife told me he has had a bunch of women in and out, but none have been this long.*

 

He had told you his last relationship was 9 years ago while the truth was he was barely out of a relationship a year before that. He lied to you. We went over that in your last thread at your 6 months dating. We are now at 9 months and it's Status Quo. I know we will see you again at 1 year mark with same status quo.

 

I think you are the Miss-right-now.

I think he is a commitment-phobe.

I think he will not change for you.

I think you will end up the big loser.

[Renae]

Well you are right and wrong...

 

I am right now. I asked him. I came out and said that I saw his profile and wanted to know where he was at. That I needed to know. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship right now. That he is moving with his son to arizona. That we are at different places in our lives. We can still hang out but he doesn't want to lead me on.

 

I say I can't do that. And good luck. It wasn't the leaving part it was the actual confronting part that scared me.