Go to graduate and watch ow walk across the stage..

[Confu2687]

This is still very fresh to me. I don't think in anyway that I can go to my husbands graduation from law school. He cheated with 2 (that i know about) women graduating with him. I feel as if I would punch them in the nose. Pretty mature.. Right?! Is it wrong for me not to go?

[Mrs. John Adams]

confu..

 

I had an affair with one of my college professors. A few months later....My husband attended my graduation. It is one of the things i will forever regret.

 

He was so sad...it shows in all of the pictures. It was extremely insensitive of me. I should have never gone to that event.

 

I did not attend my high school graduation because i lived a thousand miles away...so it was important to me to attend my junior college graduation. But by doing so...I caused my husband pure torment. If i could do it over....I would not attend. I would not ask him to go....I would not place my wants above his pain.

 

We do not get do overs...and oh wish i could have one.

 

If you do not want not go...do not. In addition...demand he doesn't go either. Oh it will piss him off....and it will show you where he stands.

 

I would have been so angry if john had said no...but now...I so wish i would have considered the pain he felt....

 

I am so very sorry...

[JohnAdams]

Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Joie]

I would recommend you do not go if you are not ready. I was unable to go to the same town as the OW for months after I found out. You need to talk about it with you husband. I am a huge advocate for marriage counseling. That is where I disclosed to my husband that we couldn't go to a friend's wedding that the OW would be at because it would've been devastating for me.

 

Is your husband graduating in February? If he isn't graduating until the Spring I suggest you talk to him about how you are feeling but don't make a final decision until closer too. Time really does help.

 

Also if you don't attend the graduation you may decide to attend him being admitted to the Bar which is usually a separate ceremony that happens later. See how you feel then.

 

I have a law degree. I can tell you that 15 years later I don't remember graduation. HOWEVER, I do remember the relief of being done. If you can't attend graduation don't but I would recommend you think of an alternative way to celebrate together.

 

Hugs.

[Confu2687]

Thank you so much for this.

 

I don't think I would be able to handle it. I don't want it to seem as if I'm too "chicken" to go but emotionally I think it will be too much. Too see all of them so happy and I'm so miserable..

[bathtub-row]

There's no reason for you to go. And I have to wonder why you stay with this jerk who cheated on you twice, and whom you suspect has cheated more than that. Maybe what you should do is pack your bags while he's walking across the stage.

[merrmeade]

Confu, my son's getting married in a couple of months. I had a thread about this some time back. There was a question about inviting my sister-in-law, the OW. My husband said he wouldn't go if she's there—which I don't think would be practical or desirable for the groom's parents—but the vehemence of his position meant a great deal to me. I spoke to my son who seemed torn (sadly) though I think, he hasn't invited her. I still worry it's not over yet, but at least I feel that solidarity.

 

My question is how much does your husband understand and validate your feelings. If he's supportive, you can do anything you want. If not, it will be harder to take a stand, but I think you should. First, you really shouldn't put yourself through the torture. Second, it's important for him to know—and ideally validate—your feelings and his injury to you, which the women represent.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you so much for this.

 

I don't think I would be able to handle it. I don't want it to seem as if I'm too "chicken" to go but emotionally I think it will be too much. Too see all of them so happy and I'm so miserable..

 

You're still thinking like a connected wife in a normal marriage. That status is but one of the things he's taken from you.

 

You need to pull back, both to protect yourself and so he knows it's not business as usual. To me, your presence there sends the wrong message...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MuddyFootprints]

You may not have written the papers, but this degree is as much yours as it is his.

 

Keep that in mind while you make your decision to attend the ceremonies.

 

I vote attend.

[aliveagain]

This is still very fresh to me. I don't think in anyway that I can go to my husbands graduation from law school. He cheated with 2 (that i know about) women graduating with him. I feel as if I would punch them in the nose. Pretty mature.. Right?! Is it wrong for me not to go?

 

It would be a great place to serve him, in front of other women and his peers.

[Confu2687]

Confu, my son's getting married in a couple of months. I had a thread about this some time back. There was a question about inviting my sister-in-law, the OW. My husband said he wouldn't go if she's there—which I don't think would be practical or desirable for the groom's parents—but the vehemence of his position meant a great deal to me. I spoke to my son who seemed torn (sadly) though I think, he hasn't invited her. I still worry it's not over yet, but at least I feel that solidarity.

 

My question is how much does your husband understand and validate your feelings. If he's supportive, you can do anything you want. If not, it will be harder to take a stand, but I think you should. First, you really shouldn't put yourself through the torture. Second, it's important for him to know—and ideally validate—your feelings and his injury to you, which the women represent.

 

I do not think he fully understands what his actions have done. In his mind he has apologized and said it will never happen again so everything should go back to the way it was.

 

He was shocked when I told him I wouldn't be attending. He feels as if it's my graduation as much as his.

 

The downside of me not going is having to explain to my little ones (who are to small to know anything about this) why I wouldn't be going...

[katielee]

 

He was shocked when I told him I wouldn't be attending. He feels as if it's my graduation as much as his.

 

this is concerning. He doesn't understand the depth of the pain he's caused you. Read MrsJA's post again. Show it to him?

I get that graduating from law school is a big deal but is there any way to honor THAT without him walking across the stage and actually being there? Like, having a big party at a restaurant with all your friends and family?

Also, have you considered a polygraph?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I do not think he fully understands what his actions have done. In his mind he has apologized and said it will never happen again so everything should go back to the way it was.

 

He was shocked when I told him I wouldn't be attending. He feels as if it's my graduation as much as his.

 

The downside of me not going is having to explain to my little ones (who are to small to know anything about this) why I wouldn't be going...

 

In HIS mind...he comes first...not you...not your pain...not your fear...not your embarrassment...HIM.

 

Apologizing...is a good start...but it is not enough....and things will NEVER go back the way they used to be. This is the mindset of a cheater. He has a LOT to learn. Ask him to read the book...how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda MacDonald.....and see if he changes his mind about his response and reaction.

 

Take your little ones to a movie while daddy struts across that stage...explain nothing.

 

By the way....I know it's a big deal to graduate. But the important part of graduating...is having that diploma....not walking across a stage....especially when it cause the one you love pain.

[OneLov]

Do not go. Doing so would be unjustly enriching him. Stay home. Equitable remedy for you. He should know all about damages.

 

FYI: Two states consider professional degrees marital property (a court basically puts a price tags on it based on its earning power) and divisible upon divorce. But there are some that, although do not consider it marital property, recognize contribution when awarding spousal support (i.e., Ohio, Michigan).

Edited February 16, 2016 by OneLov

[OneLov]

I'm not implying you should get a divorce. Just saying, you should always talk to an independent, local attorney to know your rights.

[minimariah]

The downside of me not going is having to explain to my little ones (who are to small to know anything about this) why I wouldn't be going...

 

just tell them mommy doesn't feel well and will be staying at home.

[Dancewithme]

I think you need to ( strongly) suggest that H not attend the graduation ceremony as well. He needs to understand the full scope of the hurt and sense of betrayal the affairs created, and how they tainted the joy such an occasion as law school graduation should have.

 

I think if he is serious about reconciliation, and helping you to feel safe and valued in your marriage, he would understand your need to not be in the presence of his APs at this event. Even though it is a milestone event for him, it is a trigger for you; while everyone else will feel celebratory and accomplished, you will not.

 

I believe he forfeited his right to attend his graduation ceremony, and definitely expecting you to be there, by screwing around with classmates!

 

Maybe your family and close friends can have a celebration of your own to mark his achievement. Maybe explain to the little ones that Mommy and Daddy wanted to have a special celebration just for " our family and close friends".

 

Two affairs(that you know of!) in a law school class is pretty seriously "sh**ing

where you eat". I hope whatever issues your H had that led to this behavior have been addressed by both of you in MC, IC, and/or other avenues. I hope he has laid those demons to rest, and is 500%, full-throttle reconciliation with you. If not,what will prevent future affairs in the workplace?

 

Stay strong!

[Mr. Lucky]

The downside of me not going is having to explain to my little ones (who are to small to know anything about this) why I wouldn't be going...

 

You need to begin to address this, if nothing else with "Mom and Dad don't always do everything together".

 

Pretending that everything is the same is tacit approval of what your H has done. He has no incentive to change - or to avoid doing the same thing again - unless there's consequences for his actions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[burnt]

He cheated with 2 (that i know about) women graduating with him. I feel as if I would punch them in the nose. Pretty mature.. Right?! Is it wrong for me not to go?

 

I do not think he fully understands what his actions have done. In his mind he has apologized and said it will never happen again so everything should go back to the way it was.

 

He was shocked when I told him I wouldn't be attending. He feels as if it's my graduation as much as his.

 

The downside of me not going is having to explain to my little ones (who are to small to know anything about this) why I wouldn't be going...

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

But with all due respect I don't think either of you have fully grasped or processed how wrong HIS action was.

 

From his behavior, he's done forgiving himself and can't see why you are still upset with his actions.

 

And from your point of view, IF your anger is so directed to the OWs, that only means on some subconscious level your anger is not fully and rightfully targeted at your husband enough.

 

I'm curious, when the affair came out in the open, how did you handle it? How quickly did you forgive him?

You are not talking about affair with one woman; TWO woman?

 

If you are worried about wanting to punch the TWO OWs in the nose, but not your husband,

maybe he thinks the affair wasn't really his fault--it was the OWs who messed with him.

 

Attending or not attending the graduation seems like a very minor issue. What you tell you kids not the major problem either.

 

You two really need to communicate, with the help of MC, to understand the ramifications of TWO affairs.

 

Sorry, to say: he's not handling it right; but neither are you.

No I'm not criticizing you--I'm saying there seems to be BIG communication gap between you two.

[Confu2687]

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

But with all due respect I don't think either of you have fully grasped or processed how wrong HIS action was.

 

From his behavior, he's done forgiving himself and can't see why you are still upset with his actions.

 

And from your point of view, IF your anger is so directed to the OWs, that only means on some subconscious level your anger is not fully and rightfully targeted at your husband enough.

 

I'm curious, when the affair came out in the open, how did you handle it? How quickly did you forgive him?

You are not talking about affair with one woman; TWO woman?

 

If you are worried about wanting to punch the TWO OWs in the nose, but not your husband,

maybe he thinks the affair wasn't really his fault--it was the OWs who messed with him.

 

Attending or not attending the graduation seems like a very minor issue. What you tell you kids not the major problem either.

 

You two really need to communicate, with the help of MC, to understand the ramifications of TWO affairs.

 

Sorry, to say: he's not handling it right; but neither are you.

No I'm not criticizing you--I'm saying there seems to be BIG communication gap between you two.

 

I'm not sure HOW to handle this. That's the problem. We have an appointment scheduled with a therapist but that's all I know to do. I express to him how hurt, embarrassed, and ANGRY I am. The OW are not my problem. Them being on his Facebook and even one commenting on a picture of the two of us "how beautiful I was" is what pisses me off. Yeah, I'm angry at EVERYONE. Maybe just as embarrassed, too.

 

I have NOT forgiven him.

[merrmeade]

This is still very fresh to me. I don't think in anyway that I can go to my husbands graduation from law school. He cheated with 2 (that i know about) women graduating with him. I feel as if I would punch them in the nose. Pretty mature.. Right?! Is it wrong for me not to go?

Cheated means what? They hooked up once or it was long-term?

[Confu2687]

Cheated means what? They hooked up once or it was long-term?

 

He had sex with one girl twice -- a month apart.

The other he had an emotional affair (I wish I could be with you & what not) with her for a year && shared a kiss.

[Miss Clavel]

I'm not sure HOW to handle this. That's the problem. We have an appointment scheduled with a therapist but that's all I know to do. I express to him how hurt, embarrassed, and ANGRY I am. The OW are not my problem. Them being on his Facebook and even one commenting on a picture of the two of us "how beautiful I was" is what pisses me off. Yeah, I'm angry at EVERYONE. Maybe just as embarrassed, too.

 

I have NOT forgiven him.

 

listen sugar, i'd go to that ceremony and i'd be looking good, like a wife should. because all they are going to understand is that he's with you. you two are "together" and what ever they've got, yours is better.

 

or, WE both would stay home. because, does he deserve a reward? is he really going to be a respected member of the bar? are they? those three **** heels.