Honestly? I'm Glad He's Someone Else's Problem

[13Hearts]

Yes, it's amazing how many people come here and talk about affairs with people at work. I go to work to work, not mess around. I don't understand work affairs except I do know that there are many affairs at work because that's where you spend so much time and there is a lot of opportunity there. So how are you supposed to be in a committed relationship with someone who works outside the home, or away from you all day every day, and be able to trust them, knowing what you know? (and knowing you have no way of knowing whether or not the person is cheating on you)? STDs scare the bejesus out of me.

 

I am cynical about relationships and about marriage. I've tried many times with different types of people but it's always the same: Just not worth the effort I have to put into it, and just not satisfying. It seems no one I ever get involved with will get their act together and settle the heck down so that I can maintain my life as I like. They seem to all be needy, even the ones who LOOK like they have their act together!

[ladydesigner]

Yes, it's amazing how many people come here and talk about affairs with people at work. I go to work to work, not mess around. I don't understand work affairs except I do know that there are many affairs at work because that's where you spend so much time and there is a lot of opportunity there. So how are you supposed to be in a committed relationship with someone who works outside the home, or away from you all day every day, and be able to trust them, knowing what you know? (and knowing you have no way of knowing whether or not the person is cheating on you)? STDs scare the bejesus out of me.

 

I am cynical about relationships and about marriage. I've tried many times with different types of people but it's always the same: Just not worth the effort I have to put into it, and just not satisfying. It seems no one I ever get involved with will get their act together and settle the heck down so that I can maintain my life as I like. They seem to all be needy, even the ones who LOOK like they have their act together!

 

My WH is exhaustingly needy, like a child.

[Doublegold]

Hi loveisanaction! I like your name--Love is a verb is one of my favorite sayings.

 

So is your tagline--although there is a similar one that is also one of my favorites--

 

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." - Alfred Lord Tennyson

 

Welcome to the board!

[minimariah]

Sometimes when I read all the stories of infidelity on this page, I start to become despondent about relationships and how it seems you cannot trust ANYONE. People posting about having sex with others outside of 20+ year marriages, people easily keeping secrets from those who love them most, people not caring about small children and wanting their parent for themselves at all cost, people hurt and confused by relationships. What hope is there? Sometimes I just do not know. Thinking about it is overwhelming sometimes.

 

it really is overwhelming. & hopeless at times.

 

you know... when i was younger - i was convinced that affairs happen in only BAD, really bad relationships and marriages. it was all very black & white to me - i always imagined spouse who don't have sex, barely communicate, sleep in separate beds & this passionate and loving relationship on the side with the other person.

 

slowly - as i've gotten older - i realized how much blurred those lines really are. i realized how much both men and women are capable of pretending, lying... developing relationships outside of their marriage while maintaining the loving sex, communication and affection with their spouse.

 

and THAT was the huge shock. it was like this -- i can be with a man... who is wonderful, loving, says he loves me every single day. shows me he loves me every single day. cannot wait to spend his time with me, plans our future together, invests into our future together. puts me first, communicates with me, blows my mind in the bedroom, surprised me with little signs of affection... and that STILL does not mean that he isn't cheating on me. that still doesn't mean that he isn't looking for something outside of our relationship. agreements also don't work - i had one like that with my xH; we agreed to communicate our feelings and troubles and we agreed to tell each other if we fall for someone else. you know, reasonably. discuss everything and decide what to do next. and i really thought we were good. i thought he would be honest with me first because... well, i AM rational. i won't go ballistic. you can talk to me about everything, no taboo subjects - we will work it out. it STILL wasn't enough for him to tell me about his unhappiness before the affair.

 

so i realized i can be the best wife, girlfriend, partner, friend, lover EVER - it won't stop the other person from deception and lies. you give so much of your heart, mind and feelings and the fact that there are no guarantees that it will actually be worth it? that's what troubles me.

 

it's easy to be disappointed... all you gotta do is read this forum. it seems like EVERYONE cheats. but at the same time - it's like that realization; of how fragile love is; really makes you enjoy your moments and TODAY even more. it makes you more focused on the present when you know your future can disappear tomorrow.

 

my point is - give love a chance. you might fail. it might work out. but you won't know if you don't TRY. i'm sure there are many couples out there who are happy and faithful to each other - but the negativity can cloud our judgement for a minute. it's easy to focus on the bad stuff.

[13Hearts]

it really is overwhelming. & hopeless at times.

 

you know... when i was younger - i was convinced that affairs happen in only BAD, really bad relationships and marriages. it was all very black & white to me - i always imagined spouse who don't have sex, barely communicate, sleep in separate beds & this passionate and loving relationship on the side with the other person.

 

slowly - as i've gotten older - i realized how much blurred those lines really are. i realized how much both men and women are capable of pretending, lying... developing relationships outside of their marriage while maintaining the loving sex, communication and affection with their spouse.

 

and THAT was the huge shock. it was like this -- i can be with a man... who is wonderful, loving, says he loves me every single day. shows me he loves me every single day. cannot wait to spend his time with me, plans our future together, invests into our future together. puts me first, communicates with me, blows my mind in the bedroom, surprised me with little signs of affection... and that STILL does not mean that he isn't cheating on me. that still doesn't mean that he isn't looking for something outside of our relationship. agreements also don't work - i had one like that with my xH; we agreed to communicate our feelings and troubles and we agreed to tell each other if we fall for someone else. you know, reasonably. discuss everything and decide what to do next. and i really thought we were good. i thought he would be honest with me first because... well, i AM rational. i won't go ballistic. you can talk to me about everything, no taboo subjects - we will work it out. it STILL wasn't enough for him to tell me about his unhappiness before the affair.

 

so i realized i can be the best wife, girlfriend, partner, friend, lover EVER - it won't stop the other person from deception and lies. you give so much of your heart, mind and feelings and the fact that there are no guarantees that it will actually be worth it? that's what troubles me.

 

it's easy to be disappointed... all you gotta do is read this forum. it seems like EVERYONE cheats. but at the same time - it's like that realization; of how fragile love is; really makes you enjoy your moments and TODAY even more. it makes you more focused on the present when you know your future can disappear tomorrow.

 

my point is - give love a chance. you might fail. it might work out. but you won't know if you don't TRY. i'm sure there are many couples out there who are happy and faithful to each other - but the negativity can cloud our judgement for a minute. it's easy to focus on the bad stuff.

A close friend (a man) once told me ALL men cheat.

 

Not sure all but likely damn near close to it.

 

So, you're right. It doesn't really matter what you do. Men apparently need sexual variety. Or, it's like brushing your teeth to them; just something you do so what's the big deal?

 

Love with a man just isn't worth it.

[ladydesigner]

A close friend (a man) once told me ALL men cheat.

 

Not sure all but likely damn near close to it.

 

So, you're right. It doesn't really matter what you do. Men apparently need sexual variety. Or, it's like brushing your teeth to them; just something you do so what's the big deal?

 

Love with a man just isn't worth it.

 

The thing I hate is the double standard, that it's okay for men to cheat but not women. I mean cheating period is bad but the whole stigma attached to women who do it is astounding to me.

[Ms. Faust]

A close friend (a man) once told me ALL men cheat.

 

Not sure all but likely damn near close to it.

 

So, you're right. It doesn't really matter what you do. Men apparently need sexual variety. Or, it's like brushing your teeth to them; just something you do so what's the big deal?

 

Love with a man just isn't worth it.

 

I wouldn't paint men with such a broad brush. Absolutes are silly.

[13Hearts]

I wouldn't paint men with such a broad brush. Absolutes are silly.

 

That's what I said, at the time. Found it strange, coming from a man. But then I come here and just cannot believe the numbers of people dealing with cheating.

[Ms. Faust]

That is all anectodal evidence. If we were to go by what we learn here then all women are cheaters, too.

[lilacwine]

A close friend (a man) once told me ALL men cheat.

 

Not sure all but likely damn near close to it.

 

So, you're right. It doesn't really matter what you do. Men apparently need sexual variety. Or, it's like brushing your teeth to them; just something you do so what's the big deal?

 

Love with a man just isn't worth it.

 

I hate to admit it but I can't agree more, based on my personal experiences and countless cheating stories on this forum. I've officially given up on the whole love/relationship ordeal. It's just not worth the effort anymore. No one who has enough intelligence would enter into sth knowing that 99.9% they would be betrayed sooner or later. (

 

And I must add that I'm not cynical or sarcastic at all. It's called facing reality/accepting a painful but shockingly true fact. I just believe I've had enough experiences to come to this conclusion about the nature of men.

Edited March 12, 2016 by lilacwine

[ShatteredLady]

First - I've just read this thread from the start. Something I truly don't understand...If you know from the start that you don't really want him, warts & all, WHY on earth would you get involved?

 

Adultery is the most incredibly painful, destructive, crippling experience. I can understand someone who truly believes that they are meant to be with the MM, he's the perfect partner FOR HER getting into it but I can't help but see it as rather sociopathic to inflict that torture on another woman just for sex, a temporary fling.

 

Anyway...

 

Have you ever watched the movie "Forces of Nature"? I'm not a big rom-com person but that one sticks in my mind. We watched it & my H commented on how he wished there were 2 Ben Afflac characters!!! It's so sad he didn't end-up with Sandra Bullock! Talk about missing the whole point!!

 

I guess I should of dumped him after that comment!

 

In life there will ALWAYS be many Sandra characters. There will always be "That connection" if you encourage it & let it grow. I don't believe that there's just one person in the world for you....until you've shared most of your adult life & all of that history will be lost.

 

There are countless prospective partners out there.

 

I completely understand the pain & devastation of the OW. What I will never get is WHY it starts in the first place?!? What makes you ignore the ring, the W, the kids, the FAMILY right at the start?

 

I know my H's exOW comes from a very dysfunctional family. Divorced parents. Doesn't have contact with either. Doesn't believe in marriage... Children by artificial insemination. Believes men never stick around & marriage is a joke. Family doesn't mean anything.

 

After reading the first few posts.... Do most OW have no respect for M for one reason or another. Go for the attraction, excitement, sex etc. without any consideration for the possible ramifications? Not expecting to fall for him?

 

Please believe me when I say that I feel desperately sorry for the agony later. It's the very start (if you know he's married) that I don't get. Why, how start? Is it simply, if it's not me it will be another woman?

Edited March 12, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[MidnightBlue1980]

First - I've just read this thread from the start. Something I truly don't understand...If you know from the start that you don't really want him, warts & all, WHY on earth would you get involved?

 

After reading the first few posts.... Do most OW have no respect for M for one reason or another. Go for the attraction, excitement, sex etc. without any consideration for the possible ramifications? Not expecting to fall for him?

 

Please believe me when I say that I feel desperately sorry for the agony later. It's the very start (if you know he's married) that I don't get. Why, how start? Is it simply, if it's not me it will be another woman?

 

I can't speak for those who do it as a game but most of the people on this board seem to be in the throes of agony at not being with the person they love. I would think yes, no one expects to fall for the MM. I would say unless you know the W, it doesn't seem real. Yes he wears a ring, you know he is married but it's not real. And at least for other MW like myself, we are so lonely, we are so eager for attention, and so are these guys. I really don't think most people are looking for the hell they create, they want a moment of happiness, even if its fleeting. It's the perfect storm.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I hate to admit it but I can't agree more, based on my personal experiences and countless cheating stories on this forum. I've officially given up on the whole love/relationship ordeal. It's just not worth the effort anymore. No one who has enough intelligence would enter into sth knowing that 99.9% they would be betrayed sooner or later. (

 

And I must add that I'm not cynical or sarcastic at all. It's called facing reality/accepting a painful but shockingly true fact. I just believe I've had enough experiences to come to this conclusion about the nature of men.

 

Come on, that is so fatalistic. No disrespect meant. Most people are as faithful as their options (men and women) but most people also have a great need and desire to be loved and in a healthy relationship. Don't deny yourself the opportunity of love. That is what life is all about. You get up and try again.

[13Hearts]

First - I've just read this thread from the start. Something I truly don't understand...If you know from the start that you don't really want him, warts & all, WHY on earth would you get involved?

 

Adultery is the most incredibly painful, destructive, crippling experience. I can understand someone who truly believes that they are meant to be with the MM, he's the perfect partner FOR HER getting into it but I can't help but see it as rather sociopathic to inflict that torture on another woman just for sex, a temporary fling.

 

Anyway...

 

Have you ever watched the movie "Forces of Nature"? I'm not a big rom-com person but that one sticks in my mind. We watched it & my H commented on how he wished there were 2 Ben Afflac characters!!! It's so sad he didn't end-up with Sandra Bullock! Talk about missing the whole point!!

 

I guess I should of dumped him after that comment!

 

In life there will ALWAYS be many Sandra characters. There will always be "That connection" if you encourage it & let it grow. I don't believe that there's just one person in the world for you....until you've shared most of your adult life & all of that history will be lost.

 

There are countless prospective partners out there.

 

I completely understand the pain & devastation of the OW. What I will never get is WHY it starts in the first place?!? What makes you ignore the ring, the W, the kids, the FAMILY right at the start?

 

I know my H's exOW comes from a very dysfunctional family. Divorced parents. Doesn't have contact with either. Doesn't believe in marriage... Children by artificial insemination. Believes men never stick around & marriage is a joke. Family doesn't mean anything.

 

After reading the first few posts.... Do most OW have no respect for M for one reason or another. Go for the attraction, excitement, sex etc. without any consideration for the possible ramifications? Not expecting to fall for him?

 

Please believe me when I say that I feel desperately sorry for the agony later. It's the very start (if you know he's married) that I don't get. Why, how start? Is it simply, if it's not me it will be another woman?

 

I'm not understanding. Did I give the impression I didn't want to be with MM, "warts and all?" I'm not very patient, it seems, when it comes to relationships. I've been in many relationships, with all sorts of guys, and have never gotten great satisfaction from being in them. I like things a certain way and my personality may be such that I give too much, and lose myself, in relationships. My focus becomes all about supporting the other person. I think maybe it's because men seem to complain a lot and I just want the complaining to stop. To me, men are needy and require too much attention. Maybe it's who I pick. Maybe I just can't be bothered. Maybe they are just annoying to me and not others. IDK. I just find they require too much of my attention. They think they are the center of the universe and I tire of living with such selfishness because I am a very giving, accommodating woman.

 

As for "the ring, the wife, the kids, the family," I didn't ignore those things. I had a fling with him from the outset, yes, but he was the one who came up with the idea that we were going to live happily ever after together and all that, not me. He was the one who started talking about marriage and houses and living together, not me. I don't like living with men; they don't respect you and they are messy and create a lot of work. Why would I ignore the fact that he has a wife and grown children? I was the one who told HIM that he didn't want to leave all that behind. Every time I brought any of that up, he denied he'd miss that and said he wanted to be with me. It wasn't my idea.

 

I didn't have major heartache, pain or devastation over xMM. From the very beginning I told him I will NOT be an OW. It is just not me. He told me he and BW had separated before, had only come back together due to finances, and he was on his way out again. So, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hung out with him for a while but when it became clear he wasn't leaving anytime soon, I cut him off. Like I said, I'm not the OW type. HE was the one who kept hanging on, coming around, buying me things, trying to get involved in my life. I didn't set out to hurt anyone. I'm not even remotely close to being sociopathic, I assure you. Quite the opposite. The man represented his situation as one way and then had all manner of excuses when those things did not come to fruition. He blamed HER for not letting him go, despite that he told her many times he didn't want to be married to her anymore. But I only heard his side, not hers. I don't want to be involved in someone else's marriage. I think he must have some kind of mental disorder to say the things he has said to me about this whole "relationship." It's weird someone can live their life like this.

 

IMO, he's just a very confused person who does not have a strong woman leading him, or she just doesn't know what to do with him. I doubt he is anywhere near honest and if anyone in this scenario is sociopathic, it's him. I think he also sees her as his mother, and resents her for "making" him marry her and "making" him have children, and "making" him have to live an adult life. It's like the last 20+ years of his life were thrust upon him and she made all of their decisions and he just followed along and paid for it all. And this is a 50-something year old PROFESSIONAL man, widely respected in his field. It's bizarre. I know men are childish but really? So glad I did not marry that!!

Edited March 14, 2016 by 13Hearts

[13Hearts]

I can't speak for those who do it as a game but most of the people on this board seem to be in the throes of agony at not being with the person they love. I would think yes, no one expects to fall for the MM. I would say unless you know the W, it doesn't seem real. Yes he wears a ring, you know he is married but it's not real. And at least for other MW like myself, we are so lonely, we are so eager for attention, and so are these guys. I really don't think most people are looking for the hell they create, they want a moment of happiness, even if its fleeting. It's the perfect storm.

 

I wouldn't say I was lonely. But I will say xMM was incredibly attentive. Flattering, attentive, loving, kind, gentle, warm. Likely all the things he wishes he could be with his wife but cannot be, for whatever reason. I doubt marrying, raising children, and working all the time (at work and at home, taking care of house, children, all of the responsibilities) makes for warm and cozy feelings. Especially for couples who do not have much in common.

[13Hearts]

Come on, that is so fatalistic. No disrespect meant. Most people are as faithful as their options (men and women) but most people also have a great need and desire to be loved and in a healthy relationship. Don't deny yourself the opportunity of love. That is what life is all about. You get up and try again.

 

I agree, I had a great need and desire to be loved and in a healthy relationship. But I have not found a man who is capable of participating in one, or causing one to happen. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself, in self-development, in healthy relating, in having reasonable and healthy expectations. And I am a very unselfish, giving, caring, agreeable, happy, accommodating person. Apparently, the men I am attracted to are unable to provide the kind of relationship I want. Men seem to have some equation in their head that they live their lives by, and as soon as what they see you doing equals the effort they see themselves putting forth, they refuse to do more. Of course, they don't ever tell you what that equation is. They don't appear to be able to see things from any perspective but their own, and they're not the best communicators. And I simply do not have the time or energy to spend trying to make that kind of arrangement work and still get my own needs met. So I give up. It's easier to be alone.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I agree, I had a great need and desire to be loved and in a healthy relationship. But I have not found a man who is capable of participating in one, or causing one to happen. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself, in self-development, in healthy relating, in having reasonable and healthy expectations. And I am a very unselfish, giving, caring, agreeable, happy, accommodating person. Apparently, the men I am attracted to are unable to provide the kind of relationship I want. Men seem to have some equation in their head that they live their lives by, and as soon as what they see you doing equals the effort they see themselves putting forth, they refuse to do more. Of course, they don't ever tell you what that equation is. They don't appear to be able to see things from any perspective but their own, and they're not the best communicators. And I simply do not have the time or energy to spend trying to make that kind of arrangement work and still get my own needs met. So I give up. It's easier to be alone.

 

I'm just a voice on the internet. A random person you will never meet. But for some reason I want to tell you to not give up. You don't need to try so hard to make someone love you. You just let them walk. It is no reflection on you. Some people only see a pile of cement where others see diamonds. You just move on, seamlessly. Not all men are the same. There are some on this board, dying in pain. They feel. And there are others out there who are single. You do not have to try to do anything. Just be open to it. Never give up.

Do this - check out this guy on youtube. He's changing my life. Ralph of Infinite Waters. It's cheaper than therapy and I swear to you. Listen to him and if you don't feel different in 3 months, come back here and tell me I was all wrong.

[13Hearts]

I'm just a voice on the internet. A random person you will never meet. But for some reason I want to tell you to not give up. You don't need to try so hard to make someone love you. You just let them walk. It is no reflection on you. Some people only see a pile of cement where others see diamonds. You just move on, seamlessly. Not all men are the same. There are some on this board, dying in pain. They feel. And there are others out there who are single. You do not have to try to do anything. Just be open to it. Never give up.

Do this - check out this guy on youtube. He's changing my life. Ralph of Infinite Waters. It's cheaper than therapy and I swear to you. Listen to him and if you don't feel different in 3 months, come back here and tell me I was all wrong.

 

OK, I will. I'll check him out tonight. Thanks MidnightBlue

[SolG]

I agree, I had a great need and desire to be loved and in a healthy relationship. But I have not found a man who is capable of participating in one, or causing one to happen. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself, in self-development, in healthy relating, in having reasonable and healthy expectations. And I am a very unselfish, giving, caring, agreeable, happy, accommodating person. Apparently, the men I am attracted to are unable to provide the kind of relationship I want. Men seem to have some equation in their head that they live their lives by, and as soon as what they see you doing equals the effort they see themselves putting forth, they refuse to do more. Of course, they don't ever tell you what that equation is. They don't appear to be able to see things from any perspective but their own, and they're not the best communicators. And I simply do not have the time or energy to spend trying to make that kind of arrangement work and still get my own needs met. So I give up. It's easier to be alone.

 

Hey hearts :-) You've been hurt, but it's ok. There are literally billions of people out there, and I actually believe that a good percentage of them are pretty decent people. You are right? So are they; trying, sometimes failing, but still aiming to be better. It's human nature.

 

Every relationship fails... Until one doesn't. That's universal. Even then those ones aren't failures; they're lessons and/or adventures. Every new person a mystery, every mystery a journey, every journey an adventure.

 

Don't lose faith in people. People are pretty awesome!

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you for sincerely answering my question

 

So even if you figure out really fast that you're glad he's 'not your problem' there was a moment, always a moment at least, where you think it could be a potential serious relationship?!?

 

I had a couple of 'friends' who were serial cheats & it wasn't until I watched them in action & deeply discussed it that I understood that side of things.

[ShatteredLady]

I wish they would put this...

 

"Don't lose faith in people. People are pretty awesome!"

 

...at the head of this forum! It breaks my heart to listen to so many who have had their selfesteem & faith so brutalized.

[minimariah]

That's what I said, at the time. Found it strange, coming from a man. But then I come here and just cannot believe the numbers of people dealing with cheating.

 

cheating IS common -- but not ALL men cheat.

 

you know who thinks ALL men cheat? folks who didn't have good role models - FATHER role model in their lives. when you hear absolutes - you can almost always guess the relationship that person had with each parent.

 

this is an infidelity & cheating forum, pretty much. that's why it seems like EVERYONE does it but keep in mind that - for every poster here that deals with infidelity - there are two more who don't; but they don't post on here.

 

if you went to bone cancer support forum - you'd feel like EVERYONE have it, too.

 

losing faith in love? it happens. but it IS a phase and it will pass when you meet someone who will sweep you off your feet; it's hard to resist that chance.

[13Hearts]

Thank you for sincerely answering my question

 

So even if you figure out really fast that you're glad he's 'not your problem' there was a moment, always a moment at least, where you think it could be a potential serious relationship?!?

 

I had a couple of 'friends' who were serial cheats & it wasn't until I watched them in action & deeply discussed it that I understood that side of things.

Oh, well yes, we are very compatible. At least, we appeared to be (we both agreed) during the affair. It's a meeting of personalities, a good match. Although I'm not sure I could trust him in a relationship, given what I know about him. I believe he is still trying to find a way to get out of his marriage, regardless of what I do. He demanded a separation before, and had the resources to separate. I believe it's just a matter of time before he does so again. He just hasn't been able to afford paying for two households at once. Regardless, I'm not hanging on waiting while he figures that out. If he leaves, he leaves and if he doesn't, no skin off my nose.

[ladydesigner]

I'm not understanding. Did I give the impression I didn't want to be with MM, "warts and all?" I'm not very patient, it seems, when it comes to relationships. I've been in many relationships, with all sorts of guys, and have never gotten great satisfaction from being in them. I like things a certain way and my personality may be such that I give too much, and lose myself, in relationships. My focus becomes all about supporting the other person. I think maybe it's because men seem to complain a lot and I just want the complaining to stop. To me, men are needy and require too much attention. Maybe it's who I pick. Maybe I just can't be bothered. Maybe they are just annoying to me and not others. IDK. I just find they require too much of my attention. They think they are the center of the universe and I tire of living with such selfishness because I am a very giving, accommodating woman.

 

As for "the ring, the wife, the kids, the family," I didn't ignore those things. I had a fling with him from the outset, yes, but he was the one who came up with the idea that we were going to live happily ever after together and all that, not me. He was the one who started talking about marriage and houses and living together, not me. I don't like living with men; they don't respect you and they are messy and create a lot of work. Why would I ignore the fact that he has a wife and grown children? I was the one who told HIM that he didn't want to leave all that behind. Every time I brought any of that up, he denied he'd miss that and said he wanted to be with me. It wasn't my idea.

 

I didn't have major heartache, pain or devastation over xMM. From the very beginning I told him I will NOT be an OW. It is just not me. He told me he and BW had separated before, had only come back together due to finances, and he was on his way out again. So, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hung out with him for a while but when it became clear he wasn't leaving anytime soon, I cut him off. Like I said, I'm not the OW type. HE was the one who kept hanging on, coming around, buying me things, trying to get involved in my life. I didn't set out to hurt anyone. I'm not even remotely close to being sociopathic, I assure you. Quite the opposite. The man represented his situation as one way and then had all manner of excuses when those things did not come to fruition. He blamed HER for not letting him go, despite that he told her many times he didn't want to be married to her anymore. But I only heard his side, not hers. I don't want to be involved in someone else's marriage. I think he must have some kind of mental disorder to say the things he has said to me about this whole "relationship." It's weird someone can live their life like this.

 

IMO, he's just a very confused person who does not have a strong woman leading him, or she just doesn't know what to do with him. I doubt he is anywhere near honest and if anyone in this scenario is sociopathic, it's him. I think he also sees her as his mother, and resents her for "making" him marry her and "making" him have children, and "making" him have to live an adult life. It's like the last 20+ years of his life were thrust upon him and she made all of their decisions and he just followed along and paid for it all. And this is a 50-something year old PROFESSIONAL man, widely respected in his field. It's bizarre. I know men are childish but really? So glad I did not marry that!!

 

Wow you just described my WH. It is these types of men that I think tend to cheat as no woman could possibly fit the shoes with a void about a mile long. It's exhausting, it's why I have stopped doing anything for my WH (we are in limbo), it's why I really do not want to be in a relationship ever again. I don't think I ever want to give that much of myself to ANYONE EVER AGAIN.

[ShatteredLady]

LadyD. Part of me hates that I liked your last post but part of me sooooo agrees!

 

I was such a romantic. Blind love. Blind faith! Blind idiocy!!