When a woman tells a man...

[Artemisia93]

We're both married. We work together in the same firm spending a lot of time with each other. Despite not wanting to cheat on my husband nor he on his wife, we started flirting and talking a lot. The chemistry and attraction are obviously there and it got worse and worse. Until we started saying it openly, how we're both attracted to each other... Nothing has happened between us but he's asked me on several occasions to be more upfront and aggressive with him... saying I should just 'go out and get him'... He's also jokingly proposed we rent a hotel room to spend a couple of hours together... Which I havent done as I'ld like to get to know him a little more gradually. I've recently told him that I'ld like to be kissed first and made him understand that I really want to go down on him... This suprised him and he basically backed out... Was I too explicit? Did I scare him? Should I try to clarify what I meant? I would never have said something so direct if he hadnt asked me to be more direct! Please advise on what to do now... i truly care about him... :love:

[somecamel]

Well this is doomed to fail.

 

Work on your marriage before you even consider having an affair.

 

Working at the same place will also cause major issues when it fizzles out which it will.

[Gaeta]

This belong in the cheating section.

[Miss Clavel]

We're both married. We work together in the same firm spending a lot of time with each other. Despite not wanting to cheat on my husband nor he on his wife, we started flirting and talking a lot. The chemistry and attraction are obviously there and it got worse and worse. Until we started saying it openly, how we're both attracted to each other... Nothing has happened between us but he's asked me on several occasions to be more upfront and aggressive with him... saying I should just 'go out and get him'... He's also jokingly proposed we rent a hotel room to spend a couple of hours together... Which I havent done as I'ld like to get to know him a little more gradually. I've recently told him that I'ld like to be kissed first and made him understand that I really want to go down on him... This suprised him and he basically backed out... Was I too explicit? Did I scare him? Should I try to clarify what I meant? I would never have said something so direct if he hadnt asked me to be more direct! Please advise on what to do now... i truly care about him...

 

maybe ask your spouse what you should do?

[LostOnes05]

Ahh, the loyal husband and wife you guys are.

[road]

We're both married. We work together in the same firm spending a lot of time with each other. Despite not wanting to cheat on my husband nor he on his wife, we started flirting and talking a lot. The chemistry and attraction are obviously there and it got worse and worse. Until we started saying it openly, how we're both attracted to each other... Nothing has happened between us but he's asked me on several occasions to be more upfront and aggressive with him... saying I should just 'go out and get him'... He's also jokingly proposed we rent a hotel room to spend a couple of hours together... Which I havent done as I'ld like to get to know him a little more gradually. I've recently told him that I'ld like to be kissed first and made him understand that I really want to go down on him... This suprised him and he basically backed out... Was I too explicit? Did I scare him? Should I try to clarify what I meant? I would never have said something so direct if he hadnt asked me to be more direct! Please advise on what to do now... i truly care about him... :love:

 

 

 

You already are cheating:

 

 

You are having an emotional affair, EA. Your behavior is wrong. You need to go NC with this OM. Leave this job before your EA turns into a physical affair, PA. Tell your BH that you having been flirting too much with a co-worker.

 

 

By telling your BH he will be able to help you be accountable and stop this affair in his tracks before more damage is done to your marriage.

 

 

Then get you and your BH to get your marriage back to where it should be.

[Redhead14]

We're both married. We work together in the same firm spending a lot of time with each other. Despite not wanting to cheat on my husband nor he on his wife, we started flirting and talking a lot. The chemistry and attraction are obviously there and it got worse and worse. Until we started saying it openly, how we're both attracted to each other... Nothing has happened between us but he's asked me on several occasions to be more upfront and aggressive with him... saying I should just 'go out and get him'... He's also jokingly proposed we rent a hotel room to spend a couple of hours together... Which I havent done as I'ld like to get to know him a little more gradually. I've recently told him that I'ld like to be kissed first and made him understand that I really want to go down on him... This suprised him and he basically backed out... Was I too explicit? Did I scare him? Should I try to clarify what I meant? I would never have said something so direct if he hadnt asked me to be more direct! Please advise on what to do now... i truly care about him... :love:

 

Oh, Paleeze . . .you sound like a teenager. Sorry to be harsh, but don't make yourself a bed of nails to lie on. You're setting yourself and your husband and this guy's wife up for a world of hurt.

 

This suprised him and he basically backed out... This guy was just having fun and enjoying the ego boost of an emotional affair. Yeah, he suggested getting a room as part of his fantasy. I don't think he expected you to actually go for it on any level. In other words, you basically told him you'd be open to a sexual relationship/encounter after you'd become more comfortable with him, i.e. kiss first. He didn't really intend to act on his fantasy.

[MightyPen]

Well you can't unring a bell. Or can you? Hmmmmmm....no you can't. The vibrations are already out there.

 

Since this is dripping with danger (the whole work element makes it even more dangerous than a normal "we have chemistry!" situation) I'd advise you back off immediately and see if you can be transferred away from this guy.

 

If that's impossible, I'd suggest you apologize to him for the proposition and insist that things remain entirely professional. That's only a quick fix though...it might work for a week or so but yeah it won't work long-term. I'm thinking one of you will need to transfer out to avoid disaster.

[privategal]

Please have some dignity and stop this train. This hot and cold behavior of his will get 100 times worse. Your confused now? Wait until more guilt and pressure and office gossip come into play.

Also think of Karma.

When your husband goes to work, imagine if he got a message from a colleague she would like to go down on him?

He likely saw this as forward and unclassy. It comes across as easy that all he had to do was flirt a little and suddenly your in over your head?

Nothing has happened yet...keep it that way. Work is for working...your risking your marriage and job in one.

Just for some attention and a quick lay.

You have the opportunity to get your heas out of the gutter.

The next time he reaches out tell him you've thought about it and came to your senses that it's wrong and you would like to stop anything outside of just being 100% professional from this point on.

Have you read the threads here?

It WILL be your biggest regret and nightmare.

[Fleur de cactus]

I hope you're not here to ask for advice to cheat. He said about getting a hotel. You said about going down on him. Since you both don't want to cheat . He backed off.i think it is good for you both. Respect that distance and focus on your marriage and family.

[ExpatInItaly]

He probably backed away because...you know....he's married. The fantasy is just that - fantasy. He isn't yours to take. And honestly? You're probably not the only woman he toys with.

 

Stop what you're doing. Focus on your own marriage. Don't meddle in someone else's.

[imsosad]

You are thinking of this flirt out if context. Like you two are single co workers flirting and suddenly,there is this mixed message from him...

You are losing sight of what this is: a slippery slope that is headed towards disaster.

You are losing sight of your marriage,your job, your values.

I think it's great that he backed off. It is a godsend to you.

Read here and learn from all us women, married and single, who went down this path.

I am a marrird woman and i did nit stop in time. Biggest mistake of my life. Believe me, the confusion and uneasiness you feel mow are heaven compared to the guilt,shame and pain that is ahead if *you* dont back off as well.

The universe or whatever gave you a fair warning. You have to look at your life and marriage and figure out what made you vulnerable to this silly flirtation.

Why he flipped is the least important question,but id guess he was looking for an ego boost. Once he 'got' you, the interest wore off. Maybe he is smart enough to realise that an office affair is about the worst possible thing for you both.

[Rockdad]

I know what I'm going to say is not what you asked. Most affairs are found out. Often it's because someone is over run with guilt and eventually confesses. Can you look at your husband in the eyes afterwards and keep on with life without guilt gnawing at you?

[SSJROMANCE]

Control your hormones. Go back and [have sex with] your husband. This is nothing but trouble. You are betraying your husband. If you don't like the marriage be up front with your husband. Get counseling or get a divorce before you start messing around. The same your this other dude. How would you feel if the tables were reversed?

Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Toodaloo]

Artemis

 

I know you want us to tell you how to successfully conduct an affair and have your cake and eat it but I can tell you now out of hundreds of OW I only know of one (somewhere on these boards) that it has worked out for.

 

The odds are not in your favour.

 

You will not get support in this no matter where you post it. There is a reason for that.

 

You think you care about this new guy. You don't you just crave excitement. Go buy yourself some sexy undies, go home, and flash them at your husband... You may actually get what you want then.

[Ms. Faust]

Interesting how he tells you to pursue him. That way when it comes out he can honestly tell his wife: "She went after me!! She even offered me a blowjob!!"

[privategal]

You are getting harsh replies because everyone here knows and has witnessed ALOT of pain in these threads.

It is good you reached out at the start while you still have time to change your course.

One VERY telling statement "I really care about him"

You are emotionally attached while he only has lust on the brain.

The story is SO typical its been written a million times.

Look, he sees you ONLY sexually, and millions of men see millions of women sexually.

It doesn't mean you are special. Flirting and propositions mean you are seen as an easy target.

Dont think this little secret friendship is special at all.

What is special is the clarity to gather yourself and walk away.

Dont humiliate yourself anymore.

Let it be done, chalk it up as a mistake, just simply move on from it and guard your heart against any more ridiculous meaningless flirting.

You are not the office flusey...you got swept up. Now act married and with dugnity. The respect earned back in his eyes and in your own toward your self will come when you have the strength and class to say "hey, I got carried away, I desire ONLY work talk, no friendship or anything more out of respect to our marriages and my career, I can't associate at all beyond work related subjects, otherwise we need to steer clear of further conversation"

[suzymil62]

I’m guessing like the others, that this man was just acting out of fantasy and was not really serious about taking this further. As someone else suggested, I’m sure he has done this before.

 

My suggestion is to seek to understand what it is you are missing from your marriage. Once you identify that then talk with your husband about the issues and work together on solutions to the problem. If that isn’t going anywhere, then I would suggest marriage counseling. If you are just missing the affection and attention from your husband that this flirting, etc, is getting you, then working on that with your husband is the best option. It is normal to be attracted to someone that is giving you attention as a woman, especially when you are missing it in your marriage. I’ve been there myself. That is not the issue; I think it is a big issue when you act on it as you both have been doing with the flirting, etc. I would immediately apology and move on. Since you haven’t done any thing physical I believe if you both act as adults, you can still work together. There’s no need to move from your job unless that doesn’t happen. Good luck with your situation.

 

Suzy

[Popsicle]

You are both intugued and both SCARED (because you're married). I am begging you to get a grip on yourself and don't go down this road. It's not pretty. You both need to remember that you are married, not two single people.

[jenkins95]

You are thinking of this flirt out if context. Like you two are single co workers flirting and suddenly,there is this mixed message from him...

You are losing sight of what this is: a slippery slope that is headed towards disaster.

You are losing sight of your marriage,your job, your values.

I think it's great that he backed off. It is a godsend to you.

Read here and learn from all us women, married and single, who went down this path.

I am a marrird woman and i did nit stop in time. Biggest mistake of my life. Believe me, the confusion and uneasiness you feel mow are heaven compared to the guilt,shame and pain that is ahead if *you* dont back off as well.

The universe or whatever gave you a fair warning. You have to look at your life and marriage and figure out what made you vulnerable to this silly flirtation.

Why he flipped is the least important question,but id guess he was looking for an ego boost. Once he 'got' you, the interest wore off. Maybe he is smart enough to realise that an office affair is about the worst possible thing for you both.

 

This is a great post, and I whole heatedly agree. I too thought there was no harm in some innocent flirting and was fascinated to see where it went if we pushed the boundaries a little bit...... Wish I'd seen these boards before I'd been so stupid. The damage caused has been incredible and months later we are still a very long way from being better again. Please learn from our mistakes...... Save yourself and others so much pain. Good luck and keep positing.

[jenkins95]

You are both intugued and both SCARED (because you're married). I am begging you to get a grip on yourself and don't go down this road. It's not pretty. You both need to remember that you are married, not two single people.

 

Great post popsicle.

 

When something and exciting and alluring like this happens, it is so tempting to follow it - it makes you feel so alive.

 

I'm sure a heroin addict would say a similar thing after their first hit...... But ask them again six months later.

 

Try to forget this guy and spend lots of great quality time with your husband. Try to understand why you are tempted to go down this route and guard yourself against it happening.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Since this is apparently a workplace flirtation, some suggestions:

 

1. Do not use any company-owned resources to carry on. That would include company-provided computers, network, cell phones, pagers, etc.

 

2. Be aware the interactions, if they occur on company property during company time, could result in administrative action. Essentially, unless strong laws protect your job, you or he could be let go/terminated. It may not happen regularly but it can and does happen. All depends on the laws, the company and the decision makers.

 

People flirt all the time. I've had a lifetime of being flirted with by married women and have even unknowingly dated some. To them it fulfills a need or desire and they go on with life, most IME remaining married. Hence, if you came at me in this regard I'd see it as essentially nothing extraordinary, rather business as usual. I probably wouldn't expect any sex to happen because, generally, MW's IME with the ones who do the obvious flirting, stop before sex. In fact, that's the easiest way to get rid of them. They just want the attention and the idea a guy wants to have sex with them. That evidently is satisfying.

 

If you're good at handling men, you can handle flirtations with the guy at work and your husband at home. Most MW's I've known are expert at handling men so had little trouble. Erstwhile OM's are dismissed and any fluffing they've done hubby is the beneficiary of. It works, for them anyway.

[baffin]

I really agree with a lot of the other posts. Workplace flirting may seem harmless, but it's really a symptom that something is missing from your marriage. IMO you need to make a conscious decision to stop seeing this man alone at work and concentrate on what you really want from your husband; especially before it goes any further. In the long run you will damage both your marriages, maybe irrepairably FOREVER for a very short term affair. IMO you should tell your husband what's been happening and discuss what it is you're missing from him.

[burnt]

I saw this sweet V-day romantic line a few days ago.

 

Maybe appropriate in your situation--I'll rephrase it somehow.

 

"This Valentine's Day Surprise your husband.

Introduce him to your lover OM."

 

If you think affairs are funny

just like the above joke...

[Babs22]

We're both married. We work together in the same firm spending a lot of time with each other. Despite not wanting to cheat on my husband nor he on his wife, we started flirting and talking a lot. The chemistry and attraction are obviously there and it got worse and worse. Until we started saying it openly, how we're both attracted to each other... Nothing has happened between us but he's asked me on several occasions to be more upfront and aggressive with him... saying I should just 'go out and get him'... He's also jokingly proposed we rent a hotel room to spend a couple of hours together... Which I havent done as I'ld like to get to know him a little more gradually. I've recently told him that I'ld like to be kissed first and made him understand that I really want to go down on him... This suprised him and he basically backed out... Was I too explicit? Did I scare him? Should I try to clarify what I meant? I would never have said something so direct if he hadnt asked me to be more direct! Please advise on what to do now... i truly care about him... :love:

 

Artemisia93,

I worked with my my MM prior to our A starting. Our A started much like yours, flirting, suggesting kissing, a date to the movies, a hotel room. You said above that you don't want to cheat on your H and he does not want to cheat on his W. I understand the feelings you are having, but I am here to tell you, that if you don't want to cheat on your H, DON'T! I am married and have been in an A for 3 years. There is so much heartache and pain all wrapped up in that. The first few months were great. We were in la-la land, totally wrapped up in each other and our new relationship. But after that, I believe he thought about what he was doing and felt guilty, and knew he never wanted to leave his wife. He has no kids, but he is very worried about family, friends and co-workers being disappointed in him. He has never been willing to give me up. I have two boys, the youngest is 18. Things are not going well for me. I was unable to keep having sex with my H once I started the A with MM so my H is very angry and unhappy and basically miserable. We stay together for our sons, but we are basically strangers living in the same house, not speaking. My MM's wife isn't that interested in sex, so she is pretty happy with their relationship. Neither of our spouses know about the A. I believe my M will end in divorce and I also believe that my A will eventually end too. I haven't been able to end it with my MM yet, but eventually being in a relationship with someone you can never truly be with, and having your heart break when you cannot be with that person, is going to get old. I am almost there now.

 

An A is a dead end relationship to no where! Do you really want that? I believe my MM is pretty happy with the situation. I am not. I didn't realize for the first year that he would not leave his wife. I thought we would somehow end up together. MM don't typically leave their wives and my MM is no different than most other MM. Save yourself a lot of heartache, pain and tears. Nip this in the bud before it gets started. Once you let this cat out of this bag, there ain't no getting it back in. Your life will be changed forever, and nothing about it will be better. If you have kids, all the more reason to not go any further with this or your feelings. If you can change jobs, I would.