[Is it normal to feel this insecure?]

[Louleigh80]

I've known my OH for not far off 4 years, we met, randomly, on Facebook! We have lots of mutual friends and I've known of him for many years. We finally decided the end of last year - after texting each other sporadically for the 3 years previously - to give us a go. The only issue is, he lives 6hours away. He has kids, ex wife, a job and a life.

 

I'm not ashamed to admit, I've fallen. Hard. He's everything I could have wished for. He makes me laugh more than anyone I've ever met, we get on, he's supportive. He woo-ed me, he was on the other side of the world for my Birthday, but text me constantly for the whole time he was away. He sent me perfume, flowers from Oz! All these little Things I've never experienced before. I thought he had fallen hard too, but via text & email, it gets complicated. If you're not feeling great, are texts read differently? If you've had a bad day, are you going to take a joke in a bad way and get upset? I genuinely try not too.

 

We've just spent a weekend together. I had to leave early because I was ill & that's made me worse! We've had a month and a half of seeing each other every other weekend. Now, we have no plans & can't make any until he gets his work rota early next month. I don't want to come across as clingy, as 'we've not got anything booked into see each other again', which is what my head is screaming. I've mentioned it in passing, maybe we could do something, his reply - 'I'll have a look', my reply 'no rush!'

 

Is it normal to feel this insecure? I'm convinced he's going off me even though we had a great weekend together. I hate not seeing him face to face to know what he's thinking. Has anyone survived a LDR?

Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
thread title was generic so it was edited by moderation ~6

[d0nnivain]

I can't imagine feeling anything other than insecure in this situation. LDRs are hard enough when you start off conventionally & then somebody moves. To have never had the conventional aspect of being able to see each other conveniently, is not as solid foundation IMO. That said, you seem to be making the best of it.

 

While it's too early to talk about marriage & that level of commitment, do you ever see yourself moving closer to him? You are the one who will have to be uprooted because he has kids. If you can't see yourself living 6 hours away if he didn't exist, you may be setting yourself up for failure because this is an unrealistic pipe dream.

[Louleigh80]

Insecurity is turning me into something I don't want to be though! I hate being like this.

I also have kids & a life here. We've talked about it in the past, being together when our kids get older. His job could easily be relocated up here, would probably work better here to be fair. But not yet, we both get that.

 

Without kids there would be no issue, I'd be there in a shot.

 

Today for example, he's text me 10 times all day (it's now 21:20 here) I usually hear from him that often an hour.

[nauticalpoem]

The biggest question I ask myself to determine if a relationship is a "good idea" is, "Do I like myself the most when I am in a relationship with him?".

 

This is a red flag to me:

Insecurity is turning me into something I don't want to be though! I hate being like this.

 

And honestly, if the kids are an issue for you, don't settle for someone that has kids. Maybe you'll be able to get over it in the short term but it will definitely turn into an issue in the long term. That's who he is and it's no fair to him if you two get involved only for him to find out years later you're not 100% in because of his kids.

 

There are plenty of guys that will buy you gifts and make you feel special. Find someone who also makes you the best version of yourself.

[Gosh]

I have to say I'm relieved that I'm not the only one feeling this insecure. I've been insecure in other relationships for other bad reasons and it was bugging me a lot having this feeling again. I thought I was gaslighting myself again.

 

One day I said to myself, look he's miles away, it is ONLY normal to feel this insecure, he hasn't given me ANY reason to doubt him. After that thought I tried spending all my energy into the relationship and thinking of ways to make it even better and simply enjoying it.

 

Hang in there and try to enjoy it!

[d0nnivain]

Insecurity is turning me into something I don't want to be though! I hate being like this.

I also have kids & a life here. We've talked about it in the past, being together when our kids get older. His job could easily be relocated up here, would probably work better here to be fair. But not yet, we both get that.

 

Without kids there would be no issue, I'd be there in a shot.

 

Today for example, he's text me 10 times all day (it's now 21:20 here) I usually hear from him that often an hour.

 

 

How insecure can you be if he's texting you 10x per day? I'd be furious with anybody who reached out to me that much but you are insecure because you don't hear from him 10x per hour (that's every 6 minutes, BTW). Don't you people work? Have lives? When do you deal with your kids or take a breath? 10x hour? Completely insane & not sustainable.

 

 

As is, with his kids & yours, unless you can both find new jobs somewhere in the middle, the likelihood of you making this is a reality is slim to none. I'd give up & date somebody more conventionally.

[Louleigh80]

One day I said to myself, look he's miles away, it is ONLY normal to feel this insecure, he hasn't given me ANY reason to doubt him. After that thought I tried spending all my energy into the relationship and thinking of ways to make it even better and simply enjoying it.

 

Hang in there and try to enjoy it!

 

This really helped! Thank you!!

[Miss Peach]

The issue that raised a red flag to me was you mentioning you both had kids. You didn't say the ages. Unless they were teenagers, then realistically neither of you can move and still be involved in your kid's lives (assuming the other parent is involved in both cases).

 

As a single parent that is a big reason I won't even look at a LDR.

[coolheadal]

I've known my OH for not far off 4 years, we met, randomly, on Facebook! We have lots of mutual friends and I've known of him for many years. We finally decided the end of last year - after texting each other sporadically for the 3 years previously - to give us a go. The only issue is, he lives 6hours away. He has kids, ex wife, a job and a life.

 

I'm not ashamed to admit, I've fallen. Hard. He's everything I could have wished for. He makes me laugh more than anyone I've ever met, we get on, he's supportive. He woo-ed me, he was on the other side of the world for my Birthday, but text me constantly for the whole time he was away. He sent me perfume, flowers from Oz! All these little Things I've never experienced before. I thought he had fallen hard too, but via text & email, it gets complicated. If you're not feeling great, are texts read differently? If you've had a bad day, are you going to take a joke in a bad way and get upset? I genuinely try not too.

 

We've just spent a weekend together. I had to leave early because I was ill & that's made me worse! We've had a month and a half of seeing each other every other weekend. Now, we have no plans & can't make any until he gets his work rota early next month. I don't want to come across as clingy, as 'we've not got anything booked into see each other again', which is what my head is screaming. I've mentioned it in passing, maybe we could do something, his reply - 'I'll have a look', my reply 'no rush!'

 

Is it normal to feel this insecure? I'm convinced he's going off me even though we had a great weekend together. I hate not seeing him face to face to know what he's thinking. Has anyone survived a LDR?

 

I feel your pain and yes I've survived a LDR. Just be yourself with him. Better than way. I see nothing out of place. He knows you from your mindset and you can be clingy no reason now to change yours as we all are clingy. He should be happy with you knowing you so long like this. Clapping for you!

[justwhoiam]

Has anyone survived a LDR?

How long needs to go by for you to consider it a survival?

 

Generally speaking, outside a pathological spectrum, I think that people can feel insecure if their partner let them feel insecure.

 

Today for example, he's text me 10 times all day (it's now 21:20 here) I usually hear from him that often an hour.

I guess you probably meant that 10 messages one after the other form a conversation. Then there are sporadic messages, like: hey, just saying hi, hoping everything's fine there. This last type of message doesn't require an answer, it's just to show that he cares and remembers about you.

 

I never count messages, number of conversations, etc. Some days are hectic, he can even work up until 8 pm, other times leaves work at 3 pm, so he has more time. A couple needs to adjust, because no day is like another.

[Forevermore13]

I think it's completely normal for you to feel this way.

 

I've never been the insecure/worried/jealous type in a relationship but...

My sort of 'LDR' is a touring musician (I didn't know this when we met). He's years older than me and is always sure to call me, text me, and make time for me, despite his crazy schedule at the moment. Though I know I'm his priority, little niggles in my head don't stop firing some days!

 

You just have to consider if it's worth constant mental battles with yourself, or just straight up ask him in a gentle manner.

 

Questions are often the only way to get your answer. Don't be scared to ask because it will solve the situation

[Louleigh80]

Thanks all! I'm really struggling today, didn't hear from him much last night and today he's text about 5 times. I sent my friend the messages, and she agrees that he's gone cold. I text him earlier and said it was good to hear from him as we hadn't spoken much and that it's odd. He's not replied! Today I've found out I'm suffering from very slight PTSD after a car accident and my dad having a heart attack within 3 days of each other (the hospital thought I'd broken my neck, it was quite a bad accident.) and got no reply. He's with his kids, but he's always found time to text before - I've now not heard from him in 6 hours. Surely if your 'girlfriend' had text you that, you'd find a spare 3 mins to text to say you're thinking about her.

 

Guess I know where I stand, and I was right to feel as insecure as I did.

[coolheadal]

Thanks all! I'm really struggling today, didn't hear from him much last night and today he's text about 5 times. I sent my friend the messages, and she agrees that he's gone cold. I text him earlier and said it was good to hear from him as we hadn't spoken much and that it's odd. He's not replied! Today I've found out I'm suffering from very slight PTSD after a car accident and my dad having a heart attack within 3 days of each other (the hospital thought I'd broken my neck, it was quite a bad accident.) and got no reply. He's with his kids, but he's always found time to text before - I've now not heard from him in 6 hours. Surely if your 'girlfriend' had text you that, you'd find a spare 3 mins to text to say you're thinking about her.

 

Guess I know where I stand, and I was right to feel as insecure as I did.

 

Just wait and see what happens don't think negative and try to stay positive. The issue I see is that he has a real family and you. He need to figure out what to do?

[violetdiamond]

Hi Louleigh80,

 

I totally 100% understand where you are coming from. In my LD situation I am SUPER insecure, and the guy I'm communicating with can be inconsistent. We might skype for four days in a row, and then not skype again/hear from each other for almost a week.

 

Every time it seems "off" to me (e.g. he hasn't responded to a message, or he took a long time to respond, or hasn't been on skype) I quickly shift to panic mode and think EXACTLY like you are thinking right now (We are in a relationship, right? How are hard is it to send quick texts?!!!). I try to figure out what I could have possibly done wrong, why his communication has changed, etc.. I try to read his mind...and it makes me crazy, because obviously mind-reading is impossible. Usually when the communication is off there is a reason (he was really busy with work, etc.), and I find out about it eventually.

 

I guess my best advice would be to try and stay positive. I know it's very hard, but from everything I've heard, many men seem to communicate differently than women and probably have no idea how much we freak out when the communication seems off. Just know that you really are not the only one who feels this way in an LDR , and I hope knowing that helps a little bit too

[Selvestor]

It is possible to have distanced relation if you love each other. But you need to be secure if he have a plane to join life with you. Man always know the answer. If he is not sure-the answer is No.

Just talk with him honestly and ask him about your relation and future. You deserve to feel secure

[Louleigh80]

Thanks for all your feedback. I told him how I felt, not sure a lot will change, but I'm glad that I did it. For me at least! I'm really sad today as we had plans to see each other next weekend & now his ex has been called into work, so he has his kids. I feel like I'm back to square 1, no plans to see each other, and waiting on him making a decision as to when he's free!

I'm currently in a phase where I'm not sure it's worth it. I love him, but the not seeing him & not being with him for months at a time is killing me.