Still in love with my wife. Scared of losing her

[Smb779]

So here it is in a nutshell.... I met my wife 19 years ago and fell in love with her at first site, and as far as I know she fell in love with me aswell. (For the sake of confusion, let's call her Betty)The only complication at the time was distance, Betty lived 500 miles away. She would visit her grandmother in the summer and her grandmother and I lived in the same neighborhood. She would go home for winters and we would write, talk on the phone, and see each other on holidays when her family was up for a visit.

 

Eventually we realized that at the young age we were at that it wouldn't work, so we called it quits. Fast forward 2 years, and I get letter from her saying she was moving up with her grandmother and wanted to be with me. That lasted 6 months then she decided to move home, breaking my heart into a million pieces. Fast forward 6 years, we get back together, her still living 500 miles away, me still madly in love with her. Well, she goes home, we talk on the phone, she comes back a month later and breaks up with me for another guy. I'm heartbroken yet again.

 

Fast forward 1 year, her grandmother passes away, at this time Betty is involved with a new guy, and I'm single. We agree to be friends and that is as far as I figure we will get because she has no reason to come here anymore, plus she has a BF. Although her grandma did leave her, her house.

 

Fast forward 1 year and she comes to spend a week in her house with her friend(not bf) and we hook up several times. I was even trying to be the responsible one and tell her no, because she was involved and I know what it feels like to be cheated on. But none the less we hooked up. She came up again and we hooked up again.

 

Eventually I saw her less and less, sometimes 2 years went by, and one summer she came up with her friend again and we hooked up. We were falling for each other again. She went home and it wasn't working with her bf, they were fighting, so she came back to visit.

 

I proposed and she said yes. We got married in 2011, moved into her grandmas house, and were not going to have kids. Well, our son was born 2015. And he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, aswell as her. I am in love with both of them. About a week after we find out she's preggo, we have sex and that was the last time. It's been almost 2 years and no sex, I figure while she's preggo it was hormones but our son is 9 mos old now.

 

Might I add, she suffers from depression, anxiety and ocd to top It off. . I try to sit and talk about our problems but she gets mad and says I know the answer. She says I'm not the type of person she wants and she isn't in love with me anymore, she would rather be alone, but she does still love me. I'm lost, heartbroken, all I ever wanted was to marry her and have kids with her, I pretty much waited for her for 15 years, not having many gf's, maybe 2, for maybe a month each. More or less f**k buddies.

 

I have always been committed to her and always will be, I just want it to be the way it was. I'm a decent guy and I've proved my love for her and I feel like I've wasted half my life because I've waited so long for this and now she doesn't want me. She is pretty mean to me a lot of the time, and ofcourse ever since my son came along he takes up alot of our time, especially hers since she decided to breast feed until he's a year old.

 

We never have fun and I think that that just adds to her depression. Plus we live in an isolated area and there isn't a lot to do, but I've built decks and gazebos and bought her a hot tub, a pool a nice car to try to make her happy and none of it works. She gives me the illusion that if I do all this it will make her feel better but it never does. It makes me uncomfortable to be in my own home because of the way she is to me. And after all this I still love her. I love our life, she says she hates it.

 

She had told me if I don't like it leave, but I'm still hanging onto the way it was, trying to get it back, but deep down I know it'll never be the same. Plus she tells me it will never be the same.

 

Should I give up or should I keep trying? She was my dream woman and it seems like a nightmare lately. It's not even the no sex, I mean once and a while would be nice but it been almost 2 yrs. Id be happy with once every 2 months at this rate. I know there is no help for us, she refuses to go to therapy, and I can't stand just coexisting sleeping in separate beds. I just needed to vent because I don't tell anyone what's really happening. Advice anyone? Any is much appreciated. Thanks

Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Just a Guy]

Hi Smb, I'm sorry that you find yourself in such a sad and difficult situation. Other folks will also tell you that you cannot maintain a relationship unilaterally. If your wife has lost interest in the marriage and in you and it seems like that, you cannot induce her to do so all by yourself if she lacks the desire. There is no point in flogging a dead horse and you would be better off with someone else. If after 19 years of knowing you she cannot find it in herself to love you then she is beyond redemption. Cut your losses, mourn your dead marriage and move on. Wish you the very best.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am so sorry.....Has your wife gone to the doctor? Does she take any medications for depression, anxiety or her ocd? She could also be suffering ppd since the baby is 9 months old. I would certainly want to rule out physical issues. She may not be sleeping well....and that in itself can alter your mind.

 

Go to the doctor....get your wife into therapy so she can discuss things....and be patient.

 

She has not asked for a divorce....she has not said she no longer loves you...so there is still hope.

[angel.eyes]

Breast feeding kills libido. So do post partum depression, sleep deprivation, and stress. Since this is your first child, she's probably so overwhelmed she has little bandwidth for much else.

 

If it's any consolation, many new parents find themselves in your situation. It doesn't mean your marriage is ending. Most don't. But it helps to be proactive about fixing issues as they come up, rather than letting them fester.

 

Your concerns need to be addressed by both of you as a couple. She may not be aware of the negative impact her inattention and changed level of involvement are having on your relationship. Personally, I would inform her in a non-confrontational, thoughtful conversation that working on the marriage and maintaining a strong, healthy relationship are both critical if the marriage is to continue. For me, that would include a request to engage a marriage counselor at this point and to participate in a marriage workshop. It wouldn't be an ultimatum. It would just be information I was sharing from my perspective.

 

There's no one way to do this. You'll have to convey in your own way that the current course is destructive to your marriage. I doubt that she realizes the extent of your concerns, which is why she is dismissive of counseling.

 

Best of luck!

[MightyPen]

She says I'm not the type of person she wants and she isn't in love with me anymore, she would rather be alone, but she does still love me.

 

I'm surprised everyone overlooked this.

 

OP, I think this is your answer right here. As someone else said, you can't unilaterally make this marriage work. If my wife said she wasn't in love with me anymore and would rather be alone, well then a divorce would follow.

 

You HAVE spent your entire adult life chasing after her. I know it will be very tough to let this go, but you can't afford to sink even more years into her. It sounds like she's made her choice.

[Httm]

"I just want it to be the way it was."

 

It never "was." This was a disaster from the start and was never healthy.

[brothers343]

My friend you are what we call a (doormat). Your in love but she is not in love with you. You have no future with this woman. Stand up for yourself and let her go. You already wasted good years thinking of her, time that you will never get back. There's a saying that goes like this ( love can make time pass, but time is certain to make love pass). Don't waste anymore time.

[Smb779]

Thank you for all the replies. I appreciate every one. it's all good advice to me.

That's all I was looking for was some opinions and that way I could see if the majority was thinking the way I was thinking. And I'm kinda looking in the direction of actually leaving. In the end, it's the healthy choice, it's just too "toxic". Might as well do it now while we still semi get along. That would be the wise choice. If not for us, do it for my son. I don't want him to have 2 parents who hate each other.

[Mr. Lucky]

Unfortunately Smb779, you were her back-up plan when it was geographically convenient to use you to cheat on her boyfriend. Not the healthiest start to a relationship. I'd guess, regardless of what she might say, the pregnancy was planned by her also. And now, having used you to get what she wanted, she seems done. Sorry this happened to you.

 

It's unclear from your post what she wants to do. Move? Separate? Live as roommates forever?

 

Mr. Lucky

[graybiker]

You stated she suffers from depression, anxiety, and OCD. Is this based on a professional diagnosis? Has she received counseling to treat this, or been prescribed medication she is no longer taking? Perhaps due to pregnancy and now breast feeding she cannot take it. When you stated she refuses to go to therapy, do you mean marriage counseling or personal, mental health therapy? If she refuses professional help for herself, is there a relative or close friend who could encourage her in that direction?

 

You have really cared for this woman for many years. Now that you have devoted so much time to each other, and have a child together, maybe getting her help would be the best option. From where you stand it may seem hopeless, but your wife and child are worth holding on to. You may agree that getting her help would be best for the health of the entire family.

[Liam1]

eek after we find out she's preggo, we have sex and that was the last time. It's been almost 2 years and no sex, I figure while she's preggo it was hormones but our son is 9 mos old now.

 

 

 

Sounds like your wife may have postpartum depression. She was already depressed and she has OCD, you wrote, so, it may take her longer to recover, particularly if she has not been diagnosed and treated.

 

The sooner you get her help, the quicker she will recover.

 

Here is a helpful link:

 

How long does postpartum depression last? - Medical News Today

 

From the link: women who were receiving medical care, 50% of patients experienced depression for more than 1 year after childbirth. The review also found that in women who were not receiving clinical treatment, 30% of women with postpartum depression were still depressed up to 3 years after giving birth.