noelle303 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Hello everyone. It's been a few years since I posted here, so to get you familiar with the story here is the brief summary: I had an affair with a MM 6 years ago and I got pregnant with my daughter a few months into this relationship. He was against me continuing the pregnancy and we ended all contact while I was still pregnant. He reappeared when she was two and over the last 3 years there was some sporadic contact. The last couple of months he has wanted to take a more active, fatherly role in her life and he is aware that the only way to do it is to come clean to his family. He told his wife a week ago and informed me of this. Now, I don't feel like it's my business to know how this went, how his wife reacted or what is the current state of their marriage but I am feeling very anxious about what happens next. This will greatly affect and change all of our lives and I do want to meet up with him to talk. Do you guys think I should give him more time or should I push for a conversation about this? How much time is even appropriate because not knowing what is going on when it affects me and my child is worrying. Thank you for any input. P.S. We are not romantically involved for those wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I think you should give it more time. He just told his wife a week ago and she has to let that sink in. He won't know what happens next as he has no way to know what his wife will do. Whether she leaves him, wants nothing to do with your child, or wants to be a part of her life. I know it effects you what they do but right now they probably have no idea what they will do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Not only do you need to talk to him, but also his wife. You need to let her know that you are NOT a threat, that there's NO chance of you trying to get him back. His role is father to your daughter, co parents, that's it. Hopefully as time goes on it'll get easier. I'd wait for him to contact you, and yes don't push for details about his marriage or conversations with his wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mayday2016 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 How could you go six YEARS keeping this secret?? My daughter is now 7 weeks and I'm having serious issues with not exposing the **** out of our situation. Hell, I've already started the child support proceedings because I'm not letting exMM out of this one when I need the financial help. How did you survive for 6 years keeping your daughter a secret? How did his wife never find out before now? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 You absolutely need to talk to him and his wife together. Everything has to be above board for your child's sake. Definitely give him more time and as soon as he contacts you to meet tell him to include her so that she feels secure with your relationship with him. As WWIU said please don't think you can have him (which I doubt you do, but just saying) because he already has a wife and family. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 You absolutely need to talk to him and his wife together. Everything has to be above board for your child's sake. ^ this. if he wants to spend more time with the child & be that child's father -- that means including the child totally into his own life... and his wife's. so i think a meeting with HER, too - is inevitable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Wow, you are such a kind soul to even be thinking about him! Based on your post it seems you have always put your daughter first. Trust your gut and if you believe this is the right time, for her, do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I am curious what prompted his change over the last two months. You mention only "sporadic contact" before that, no doubt because of your insistence that his wife know. I'm sorry to say, but I think he is extremely untrustworthy and I would move very, very slowly. I would not take him at his word that he has told his wife. Insist that you must hear it from her and some boundaries be set. I remain highly skeptical that a relationship with him is in your daughter's best interest, but of course this is solely from what you have posted here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author noelle303 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 How could you go six YEARS keeping this secret?? My daughter is now 7 weeks and I'm having serious issues with not exposing the **** out of our situation. Hell, I've already started the child support proceedings because I'm not letting exMM out of this one when I need the financial help. How did you survive for 6 years keeping your daughter a secret? How did his wife never find out before now? Well, everyone's situation is different. I managed just fine financially and my daughter was not my secret, she was his secret and he wasn't in our lives that much (he and his family live in another town) so it didn't affect our daily life which has been pretty normal and happy. I don't see why it is strange that his wife never found out, he simply never told her. Your situation is probably different so maybe that is why mine is strange. Good luck with everything! As far as talking to them both, I don't want her to be pushed into what I imagine is a very difficult situation. I guess I will have to be patient and wait for him to contact me and go from there. Who knows, maybe she won't want to even see me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Yeah, best leave it alone on your end. Remember, this is a huge CRISIS for the wife. You have had 6 years to accept, she is just now finding out. They need their time alone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author noelle303 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 I am curious what prompted his change over the last two months. You mention only "sporadic contact" before that, no doubt because of your insistence that his wife know. I'm sorry to say, but I think he is extremely untrustworthy and I would move very, very slowly. I would not take him at his word that he has told his wife. Insist that you must hear it from her and some boundaries be set. I remain highly skeptical that a relationship with him is in your daughter's best interest, but of course this is solely from what you have posted here. Well...I always made it clear that if he wants to be in her life it can't be as a secret. Which is why contact has been few and far between. I believe he just got more serious about it, she is growing up, starting kindergarten and it was getting to him. Of course, if this is serious there will definitely be a period of slowly integrating her into his life and him into ours. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Wow. You are so strong. Just one thng. You mention about having him in "our" lives. That could be a bit of a Freudian slip. He shouldn't be much of a part of YOUR life. Your daughter's life, yes. I'd also wait for him to contact you. Give the BS plenty of time to process through the myriad of emotions. She needs to get over the anger she may feel towards you and your child. No good can come from this if she doesn't get past it. She has had to accept that this man she thought she knew not only had an affair, but kept a child secret for 6 years. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I wouldn't give him the opportunity I'm afraid. Are you sure he would be a good influence in your child's life or would she be better off not having him in and out of her world. It is ok to say that you managed financially but you shouldn't have had to do that alone. I wouldn't trust that he has told his wife and I wouldn't trust him. He seems very unreliable. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ls7878 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Hello everyone. It's been a few years since I posted here, so to get you familiar with the story here is the brief summary: I had an affair with a MM 6 years ago and I got pregnant with my daughter a few months into this relationship. He was against me continuing the pregnancy and we ended all contact while I was still pregnant. He reappeared when she was two and over the last 3 years there was some sporadic contact. The last couple of months he has wanted to take a more active, fatherly role in her life and he is aware that the only way to do it is to come clean to his family. He told his wife a week ago and informed me of this. Now, I don't feel like it's my business to know how this went, how his wife reacted or what is the current state of their marriage but I am feeling very anxious about what happens next. This will greatly affect and change all of our lives and I do want to meet up with him to talk. Do you guys think I should give him more time or should I push for a conversation about this? How much time is even appropriate because not knowing what is going on when it affects me and my child is worrying. Thank you for any input. P.S. We are not romantically involved for those wondering. Wow!! I have to say you are such a wonderful kind lady to raise up your daughter all by yourself! You are so kind and brave! I also think you can wait until he contact you and see what the situation is and then decide what to do. I feel no matter what he did before, right now he wishes to let his wife know about this kid, it is a sign he is trying to do a right thing for this kid and I feel having a father in her life would be good for her, even though he never does anything for her. At least she knows who her father is and I think she wonders who is her father, how is he, there are questions in her heart about him...I think it is a good thing for this little girl...but anyway you are the mother, you definitely have the feelings about what is good for her. Good luck with everything. You are awesome! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Is he paying any child support? In other words, does he have any legal right to ask the court system for visitation beyond his name (presumably) being on the birth certificate? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I would give it more time if I were you. And be prepared to never hear from him again. That is a possibility. It's also a possibility that only reconnected with you because he wanted a R with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author noelle303 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 Wow. You are so strong. Just one thng. You mention about having him in "our" lives. That could be a bit of a Freudian slip. He shouldn't be much of a part of YOUR life. Your daughter's life, yes. I'd also wait for him to contact you. Give the BS plenty of time to process through the myriad of emotions. She needs to get over the anger she may feel towards you and your child. No good can come from this if she doesn't get past it. She has had to accept that this man she thought she knew not only had an affair, but kept a child secret for 6 years. I know, but given her age and the fact that me and her have a life built together (I will always be her primary caregiver) that is why I said what I said. I wouldn't give him the opportunity I'm afraid. Are you sure he would be a good influence in your child's life or would she be better off not having him in and out of her world. It is ok to say that you managed financially but you shouldn't have had to do that alone. I wouldn't trust that he has told his wife and I wouldn't trust him. He seems very unreliable. Poppy. I'm sorry, but that is not in question. He is her biological father and he wants to be in her life which is something both of them have a right to as long as there is no abuse of any kind and no danger to her, which there is none. As I said, this integration into her life will be a process and a slow one. I'm taking it step by step. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I wouldn't bring the daughter into this until you know his wife knows for sure and is ok with him seeing her. It would be a tragedy to have to let her down like that if he caves. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Is he paying any child support? In other words, does he have any legal right to ask the court system for visitation beyond his name (presumably) being on the birth certificate? Where I live, a guy doesn't need to be paying child support to qualify for access to the child. If he's the dad, he has a right to access unless he's deemed a high risk to the child. Are laws different in the US? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Where I live, a guy doesn't need to be paying child support to qualify for access to the child. If he's the dad, he has a right to access unless he's deemed a high risk to the child. Are laws different in the US? I think it's the same here, although I'm no family lawyer. If he's already paying child support, he may have more ready access to the courts in the event of a disagreement, and that was leading up to my suggestion that they may want to put something in writing in order to avoid any misunderstandings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noelle303 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 Is he paying any child support? In other words, does he have any legal right to ask the court system for visitation beyond his name (presumably) being on the birth certificate? His name is not on the birth certificate because we were no longer in any sort of contact by the time I had her. He did not pay child support during this time but he did say that once everything is out in the open he would pay monthly as well as a sum for the past five years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Not sure if you stated this on previous thread, but did he ever voluntarily acknowledge paternity by signing the birth certificate? I know you said he's the biological father but is he recognized as the legal father? Link to post Share on other sites
Author noelle303 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 I think it's the same here, although I'm no family lawyer. If he's already paying child support, he may have more ready access to the courts in the event of a disagreement, and that was leading up to my suggestion that they may want to put something in writing in order to avoid any misunderstandings. Our agreement would naturally be legalized and on paper. But it's a bit soon for that, he just came out with this to his family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noelle303 Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 Not sure if you stated this on previous thread, but did he ever voluntarily acknowledge paternity by signing the birth certificate? I know you said he's the biological father but is he recognized as the legal father? No, not yet. It is something we discussed and will happen eventually if he is serious about all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 What made you two come back into contact? Who initiated it? Link to post Share on other sites
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