exMM told his wife about our daughter

[OneLov]

So, by law, he has no rights and/or obligations to your daughter. He can move, not give her a dime, or ever be awarded any custody or visitation rights. Just curious, are you going to have him acknowledge paternity? I think it's only fair to your daughter if he wants to be in her life. It protects her relationship with him. He cannot decide to up and leave her life like he is able to now.

[noelle303]

What made you two come back into contact? Who initiated it?

 

 

He did, when she was two. She is five now.

 

So, by law, he has no rights and/or obligations to your daughter. He can move, not give her a dime, or ever be awarded any custody or visitation rights. Just curious, are you going to have him acknowledge paternity? I think it's only fair to your daughter if he wants to be in her life. It protects her relationship with him. He cannot decide to up and leave her life like he is able to now.

 

Yes, absolutely. I even said so further up.

[whichwayisup]

Just be aware that his wife is going to need proof, so (if one hasn't yet, it will be) she probably will ask for a paternity test to make sure this child is his.

[noelle303]

Just be aware that his wife is going to need proof, so (if one hasn't yet, it will be) she probably will ask for a paternity test to make sure this child is his.

 

Well, my lawyer already mentioned that this is standard in situations where paternity is being acknowledged. I understand it completely and it's a not an issue.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Wow, five years? It seems like yesterday. They grow up so quickly. Is contact still going through your attorney? I just hope he's grown up a lot! Contact won't behoove her if he "gets his fill" of playing daddy then disappears. Seems like he's been notorious for saying one thing then backing down. If I remember the first contact ended up being disappointing?? She's old enough to be hurt by his actions now. That's concerning. How will you verify that he did tell his wife? Glad to hear you are doing well.

[ChickiePops]

I can provide a different perspective. I am not a child of an affair but I did grow up without a father. I say late father is better than none, but be cautious, particularly with his wife still involved. I'm sure she is rightfully hurt, angry, disgusted...etc. Hopefully she won't take it out on your kid. I'd apologize to her asap.

 

Also..maybe don't tell your little one she's the product of an affair.

[Poppy47]

So, by law, he has no rights and/or obligations to your daughter. He can move, not give her a dime, or ever be awarded any custody or visitation rights. Just curious, are you going to have him acknowledge paternity? I think it's only fair to your daughter if he wants to be in her life. It protects her relationship with him. He cannot decide to up and leave her life like he is able to now.

 

I agree with this. He might think it is a really fantastic idea at the moment and then lose interest.

[Sassy Girl]

How can you be sure he's told her?

[noelle303]

Wow, five years? It seems like yesterday. They grow up so quickly. Is contact still going through your attorney? I just hope he's grown up a lot! Contact won't behoove her if he "gets his fill" of playing daddy then disappears. Seems like he's been notorious for saying one thing then backing down. If I remember the first contact ended up being disappointing?? She's old enough to be hurt by his actions now. That's concerning. How will you verify that he did tell his wife? Glad to hear you are doing well.

 

I know, it is crazy that she is five! I only ever saw myself with a baby or a toddler, but now she is so big, she goes to school and we have actual conversations, it's insane and wonderful at the same time.

 

Well, I do give him credit if he indeed told her. Before it was easier for him to disappear which is why contact was always limited and sparse. But I know it was extremely hard for him to come out with this and if he did it, it means he is serious about making things right.

 

I can provide a different perspective. I am not a child of an affair but I did grow up without a father. I say late father is better than none, but be cautious, particularly with his wife still involved. I'm sure she is rightfully hurt, angry, disgusted...etc. Hopefully she won't take it out on your kid. I'd apologize to her asap.

 

Also..maybe don't tell your little one she's the product of an affair.

 

Well, at 5 years old, of course she wouldn't even understand it and it is not something suitable for children of her age to know. But one day she will know and I will talk to her about it. There is no reason why she should be kept in the dark and made to feel like it is something to be ashamed. She did nothing wrong and her existance is something that I would never change.

 

How can you be sure he's told her?

 

Well, right now, other than his words I can't. But if he lied it's not something that can be kept up for long so I see no reason to do it.

[lemondrop21]

I can provide a different perspective. I am not a child of an affair but I did grow up without a father. I say late father is better than none, but be cautious, particularly with his wife still involved. I'm sure she is rightfully hurt, angry, disgusted...etc. Hopefully she won't take it out on your kid. I'd apologize to her asap.

 

Also..maybe don't tell your little one she's the product of an affair.

 

I was not the product of an affair but grew up without a father until I was 11, at which point my mother reconnected with him under the pretense of "wanting me to have a relationship with him" but really in order to try and rekindle their relationship. Their relationship was horribly dysfunctional and abusive and I had to deal with it the next several years until they finally split again. The trauma of those years will follow me forever.

 

I am only throwing this out there to advise you to please, for the sake of your child, make sure there is absolutely NO rekindling of ANYTHING romantic between you and this man. If you being friendly might start him after you again, then keep your contact/conversation to an absolute bare minimum. I'm not saying you planned otherwise, you may very well have the best of intentions but you never know what MM's thoughts or feelings will be especially when he gets regular access to you again due to the child.

[SolG]

Well, at 5 years old, of course she wouldn't even understand it and it is not something suitable for children of her age to know. But one day she will know and I will talk to her about it. There is no reason why she should be kept in the dark and made to feel like it is something to be ashamed. She did nothing wrong and her existance is something that I would never change.

 

I actually AM an affair baby. When I was a teenager I found out I was adopted, but at that point was too fiercely loyal to my wonderful adoptive family to care about my biological origins. It was a defense mechanism of course :-)

 

It wasn't until much later in life that I realised that I needed to know. It's a normal and fundamental humsn need to know who we are and where we come from. Unfortunately, by that time my biological mother was dead. But I did my research and found out I was placed up for adoption as a baby because my biological mother was a WW and her BH could not accept me. He must have had quite the shock when I was born - I look nothing like my half-siblings at all.

 

I deeply regret that I can never hear the story first hand from my biological mother and that she took the secret of my biological father to the grave. I'm now contemplating going to he country where the most likely candidate came from to see if I can find more answers. More pieces of me.

 

It's actually been a wonderful journey (although it's not over yet). Truth and understanding bring a lot of peace. In the absence of the contexts and reasons, a child/youth can feel a parent's rejection as a reflection of themselves. If there was no reason I can know and understand... it must have been me. There is something so wrong with me that I am worthy of abandonment. That way some significant attachment issues can lie.

 

I really applaud your approach here. Regardless of the outcome of what's happening right now, your daughter does deserve to know the truth of her origins. Trust me, she will WANT to know. And you sound well equipped to provide that in a sensitive loving way.

[wbm665]

Give the BS plenty of time to process through the myriad of emotions. She needs to get over the anger she may feel towards you and your child. No good can come from this if she doesn't get past it. She has had to accept that this man she thought she knew not only had an affair, but kept a child secret for 6 years.

 

 

I can't express how much I VEHEMENTLY disagree with this. If the wife can't be a grown up and put her emotional needs aside for a child, especially the daughter of her husband, then your daughter need not be around her dad for now. Fact is, once you start allowing a relationship, she is going to be the child of his wife as well. Family vacations with them, etc.

 

 

BS has an issue with her husband. Not your daughter. Screw the BS and look out for you daughter. Period. That's your only job. Sorry, Mama Bear in full force here.

[sandylee1]

I guess one way to be sure the wife knows is if he picks up your daughter and takes her to his house to spend time with his family.

 

You can't push to have a conversation with her. .... that wouldn't help right now.

 

As long as he collects or you drop your child to him and she's there ... you know that she's aware.

 

Of course who knows if they will stay together now she knows... but that's not your problem.

 

Sort out the visitation and take it from there.

[minimariah]

I'm sorry, but that is not in question. He is her biological father and he wants to be in her life which is something both of them have a right to as long as there is no abuse of any kind and no danger to her, which there is none. As I said, this integration into her life will be a process and a slow one. I'm taking it step by step.

 

him coming & going IS damaging to your little girl so be careful with that -- if he bails once again and tries to reconnect two years from now and then repeats that pattern over and over again... that definitely becomes abusive. children suffer more from their wandering parents than they do from parents who aren't present at all.

 

i think you need to decide what are your boundaries and how many chances you'll give him -- okay, now things are out in the open. this is his final chance to do right by his child. if he screws it up again... be prepared for that scenario.

[Gigi2015]

Well, everyone's situation is different. I managed just fine financially and my daughter was not my secret, she was his secret and he wasn't in our lives that much (he and his family live in another town) so it didn't affect our daily life which has been pretty normal and happy.

 

I don't see why it is strange that his wife never found out, he simply never told her. Your situation is probably different so maybe that is why mine is strange. Good luck with everything!

 

As far as talking to them both, I don't want her to be pushed into what I imagine is a very difficult situation. I guess I will have to be patient and wait for him to contact me and go from there. Who knows, maybe she won't want to even see me.

 

 

My sister went through the same thing, sort of. She was a BS and divorced. She was very vulnerable and fell for a MM. She got pregnant and he bailed. He wasn't present at the delivery... I thought that despicable but it got worse. He told her he would lose his life and how sorry and depressed he was, blah, blah.... Didn't give her ANY support financially or otherwise for 5 years. My sister dint want the humiliation or the reflection of it falling on her child. She was SEVERELY depressed for 3 years. She is a wonderful person who made a mistake that's all! Thr jerk only came in contact with the child 3 times in 14 years. His wife found out because she started following the money trail....she divorced him. He remarried within 6 months and had a baby on the way. Don't PROTECT this jerk! Hugs!!!

[Lady2163]

I can't express how much I VEHEMENTLY disagree with this. If the wife can't be a grown up and put her emotional needs aside for a child, especially the daughter of her husband, then your daughter need not be around her dad for now. Fact is, once you start allowing a relationship, she is going to be the child of his wife as well. Family vacations with them, etc.

 

 

BS has an issue with her husband. Not your daughter. Screw the BS and look out for you daughter. Period. That's your only job. Sorry, Mama Bear in full force here.

 

I don't think you understand what I'm saying. It has only been a week since BS found out what a snake her husband is. I'm telling the OP not to rush the process, since sh hasn't heard from the exMM. While I agree, the child is innocent, not everyone can put that aside. The inclusion of the child in their family is going to be an ongoing reminder of the husband's infidelity.

[jenkins95]

I don't think you understand what I'm saying. It has only been a week since BS found out what a snake her husband is. I'm telling the OP not to rush the process, since sh hasn't heard from the exMM. While I agree, the child is innocent, not everyone can put that aside. The inclusion of the child in their family is going to be an ongoing reminder of the husband's infidelity.

 

Completely in agreement with Lady2163. The BS has just had the mother of all shocks - her world must be turned upside down. She needs to be given time and respect and a whole lot of sympathy and compassion. Treat her right and maybe she will be able to make things a little easier for everyone else. But to take her compliance for granted is just like cheating on her all over again.

[Ms. Faust]

I can't express how much I VEHEMENTLY disagree with this. If the wife can't be a grown up and put her emotional needs aside for a child, especially the daughter of her husband, then your daughter need not be around her dad for now. Fact is, once you start allowing a relationship, she is going to be the child of his wife as well. Family vacations with them, etc.

 

Oh Lord. Way too reduce a complex situation with several young lives involved to a "she's being immature if she can't accept it!".

 

The MM has two sons with his wife. Have you stopped and considered that maybe the BS is going to go "mama bear" for her own children's sake? She is going to put the emotional needs of HER children before anyone else, her husband, the fOW, and the daughter. Would that make the BS immature? She would be, after all, protecting her own family unit, and her own childrens' mental health. Remember, this is not just the BS' emotional needs, this is the children of the marriage as well.

 

Is the BS allowed to go "mama bear"? Or would that be considered too immature?

 

PS. Noelle only has 176 posts, it is easy to go back and read. What the BS would be dealing with is an affair, a baby that could have possible been conceived in her own marital bed, and then a daughter that is hidden for six years. Not exactly the easiest of things to come to terms with.

Edited February 17, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[sandylee1]

Brilliant post ^^^^^^.

It's amazing how people see what they want to in these situations.

 

Calling her immature because she may rightly struggle to deal with this shows a total lack of empathy.

 

Also.......just because the MM has the child..does NOT make it his wife's child too. It also doesn't mean that they all have to vacation together either.

 

Have you (not the OP) thought about how she explains to her children they suddenly have a half sibling who is a stranger to them... ... vacations together is WAY TO presumptuous at this stage if ever.

[noelle303]

him coming & going IS damaging to your little girl so be careful with that -- if he bails once again and tries to reconnect two years from now and then repeats that pattern over and over again... that definitely becomes abusive. children suffer more from their wandering parents than they do from parents who aren't present at all.

 

i think you need to decide what are your boundaries and how many chances you'll give him -- okay, now things are out in the open. this is his final chance to do right by his child. if he screws it up again... be prepared for that scenario.

 

I agree, and I wouldn't allow it. Though, him telling his wife and possibly losing his family gives me some sort of indication that he is serious. I never asked anything from him and if he wanted an easy way out he had it. I don't think he would come out to her and then just bolt.

 

As far as his wife goes, I won't even begin guessing what her feelings and thoughts are so I can't comment on their maturity or legitimacy. I know that I will protect my daughter no matter what and won't ever put her in a harmful situation. I just want to try for her to have a relationship with her father.

[minimariah]

I agree, and I wouldn't allow it. Though, him telling his wife and possibly losing his family gives me some sort of indication that he is serious.

 

not necessarily.

 

there is no easy way out because... well, a child cannot be undone. it doesn't matter if you never bothered him, the child EXISTS. she can grow up & grow old and reach out to his family; so the possibility of that contact is always there, regardless of your intentions. he was aware of that.

 

the fact that he never wanted the child, the fact that it took him FIVE years (+ the time of your pregnancy) to fully reconnect with her - those are all red signs. trust me, i see many situations like these -- every single time, you think... okay, NOW he is serious. and then he bails again.

 

not saying that will happen in your situation, too - but be careful. his circumstances are difficult but he really didn't have to hide the daughter for so long. MANY were in his situation and many came clean right away. & you gotta ask yourself about the motivation behind his confession - the motivation can be connected with his fear of getting busted; not with his wish to be with the daughter.

 

oh and one more thing - the wife can very well give him an ultimatum: either ditch the kid or she'll divorce him. and he can very well stay by her side. the possibilities are endless.

 

maybe she'll dump him & you two can rebuild together as a new family, who knows? keep in mind that, in this situation - the BS will look out for her kids & herself; even if she decides to stay with him + accepts the child... it will be ROCKY as hell. you gotta be ready for his boys not accepting her as a sister; for other family not accepting her & everything that comes with that.

 

and yeah, there is a possibility that the wife will direct her anger on your kid. approach her with kindness and see where it goes from there.

[stillafool]

not saying that will happen in your situation, too - but be careful. his c

maybe she'll dump him & you two can rebuild together as a new family, who knows?

 

OP, you don't still want him, do you?

[goodyblue]

I am sorry, I just think if he went that long not being part of her life then it wouldn't hurt him to go longer. Like til she is 18. Her life is in motion and if she is fairly well balanced I would just move on.

[Ms. Faust]

Brilliant post ^^^^^^.

It's amazing how people see what they want to in these situations.

 

Agree. People seem to forget that the BS and her children are innocents in this as well.

 

Have you (not the OP) thought about how she explains to her children they suddenly have a half sibling who is a stranger to them... ... vacations together is WAY TO presumptuous at this stage if ever.

 

Also agree. Personally, I think the OP even considering a slow introduction (in a previous post) is too presumptuous at this stage.

 

Reading in the past threads this stuck out to me:

 

He still wants me to have an abortion despite the fact that I am 17 weeks pregnant and adamant to keep this baby, he can't accept that I am having it and during one particularly nasty fight he told me that if I don't have the abortion he will cut me open himself.[/QUOte]

 

I am a fOW. Sadly, I have had multiple affairs. I cannot relate to the OW in this situation. I gave birth less than a year ago, and no way would I ever allow someone in my life who said this to me. Ever. Again. Much less around my daughter. I have cut people out of my life for saying less hurtful things than this. I understand that there are many actions and events that come into play that we don't know of, but saying something like this would dissolve things completely for me.

The OP is very gracious and forgiving for even thinking of eventually allowing him to have access to her daughter.

Edited February 18, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[sandylee1]

I am sorry, I just think if he went that long not being part of her life then it wouldn't hurt him to go longer. Like til she is 18. Her life is in motion and if she is fairly well balanced I would just move on.

 

I wouldn't call another 13 years a LITTLE bit longer at all.

 

Perhaps he's thought about the impact of him not having a relationship with his daughter and decided to do the right thing by

her.

 

Waiting till she's 18 could cause unrepairable damage.