exMM told his wife about our daughter

[noelle303]

OP, you don't still want him, do you?

 

 

No. I only wish for a civil co-parenting relationship. We will never again be together romantically.

 

I am sorry, I just think if he went that long not being part of her life then it wouldn't hurt him to go longer. Like til she is 18. Her life is in motion and if she is fairly well balanced I would just move on.

 

I'm sorry, but I strongly disagree. She is a well-balanced, happy, well-adjusted kid, but I can't deny her a chance to have a relationship with her biological father when he is willing. she is not 16, she is 5, there is a lot of time for them to get to know each other, build this relationship and a lot of milestones in her life as she grows up.

 

Fact of the matter is, if I deny him the right to see her, he can take me to court to establish paternity and rights.

[sandylee1]

 

I'm sorry, but I strongly disagree. She is a well-balanced, happy, well-adjusted kid, but I can't deny her a chance to have a relationship with her biological father when he is willing. she is not 16, she is 5, there is a lot of time for them to get to know each other, build this relationship and a lot of milestones in her life as she grows up.

 

Fact of the matter is, if I deny him the right to see her, he can take me to court to establish paternity and rights.

 

I agree with you. If you tried to deny her having a relationship with him ... she would blame you later on. Knowing where you come from is important.

 

Unless a parent is abusive..or mentally unfit...they should not be denied a relationship with their child.... better late than never and she's young enough to adjust.

[Popsicle]

Noelle303, how has he been with her (his daughter)?

 

No. I only wish for a civil co-parenting relationship. We will never again be together romantically.

 

I believe that you don't want to be involved romantically with him, but do you think he wants to be involved with you?

Edited February 18, 2016 by Popsicle

[noelle303]

Noelle303, how has he been with her (his daughter)?

 

Very kind and attentive. He also seems complety wracked with guilt based on his behaviour and actions. I am well aware of what he did to me during my pregnany and how he acted after. I will probably never fully forgive him that and it is harder for me to trust him than anyone else. But I can sense remorse on his side and I'm willing to try for my child's sake.

 

 

I believe that you don't want to be involved romantically with him, but do you think he wants to be involved with you?

 

I honestly think that he wants to stay with his wife and hopes that she will move past this.

[Popsicle]

I honestly think that he wants to stay with his wife and hopes that she will move past this.

 

Very kind and attentive. He also seems complety wracked with guilt based on his behaviour and actions. I am well aware of what he did to me during my pregnany and how he acted after. I will probably never fully forgive him that and it is harder for me to trust him than anyone else. But I can sense remorse on his side and I'm willing to try for my child's sake.

 

Very good.

 

I think that you have the perfect attitude given the situation and I wish you luck. I hope it all works out for you in the best way possible.

[wbm665]

Brilliant post ^^^^^^.

It's amazing how people see what they want to in these situations.

 

Calling her immature because she may rightly struggle to deal with this shows a total lack of empathy.

 

Also.......just because the MM has the child..does NOT make it his wife's child too. It also doesn't mean that they all have to vacation together either.

 

Have you (not the OP) thought about how she explains to her children they suddenly have a half sibling who is a stranger to them... ... vacations together is WAY TO presumptuous at this stage if ever.

 

 

Many of you are clearly, and likely intentionally, misreading my comment. I haven't said the BS isn't innocent. I have no idea. None of us do, not even the OP. BS could be at fault as well. I do not know the MM nor do I know the BS.

 

 

What I do know, as I have one, is that a 5 year old girl should not be the pawn in a man attempting to assuage his own guilt over his prior misdeeds. OPs daughter should not be involved with her father right now. PERIOD. I don't care how much he wants it. Telling BS hasn't changed that.

 

 

Further, I don't know what court system you are in, but in the 3 states I practice, parental abandonment for FIVE YEARS would not allow him anything more than supervised visitation, maybe once a month, if anything. He abandoned his daughter. Once the daughter asks about dad, then OP should maybe introduce him. But I would keep it very light if any contact at all.

 

 

But yes, it is a package deal, especially since MM wants to say. If both MM and BS aren't 100% on board with the daughter coming into the picture, well then you are going to go from a happy well adjusted kid who doesn't know her dad to a serious problem.

 

 

BS should take all the time in the world, but stop pretending her potential hatred for the OP isn't going to play a role in her daughter's life. If BS can't get past that (and it would take YEARS if ever) then MM needs to step out. And yes, the BS not acknowledging her own emotions IS immature because she would be doing it to hurt a child. I don't care if it is her kid or not.

 

 

MM isn't going to be mature enough to do what is right for his daughter. He's shown that. OP needs to. OP has made her bed. Her focus needs to change from how is BS doing/handling this to what is best for my daughter RIGHT NOW. Re-evaluate every 6 months or so.

 

 

Many of you seem to think that she should only worry about the BS and giving her time. That is what I vehemently disagree with. She cannot worry about BS. BS and MM will take care of that. She only needs to worry about her daughter right now.

[SoleMate]

Hi Noelle - I remember your situation, thanks for the update. Your daughter is the #1 person to consider and you are #2. Others are not of concern to me.

 

My advice from 3 years ago still stands, with respect to how you deal with exMM regarding contact with your daughter:

 

.....The needs of your daughter are, in xMM's mind, directly opposed to his comfort and peace at home. He does have some uneasy feelings about his lengthy abandonment and shockingly bad behavior, thus proving he is not a psychopath, just a selfish and cruel individual.

 

Just keep things simple. There is one and one key only to open the door: he and his wife meet with you and your counselor, lawyer, advocate or whoever else. (Make the wife show her driver's license or other government-issued ID.) The two of them state their plan to make his interaction with your daughter beneficial to her. Your daughter's interests will be paramount in this discussion. You take their proposal and think about it. Only if it has adequate safeguards for her emotional wellbeing will you even consider contact.

 

You see, I'm not really sure that exMM has ACTUALLY told his wife, let alone that he will actually treat his daughter correctly going forward.

 

And there IS danger to your daughter, from emotional rejection that appears almost inevitable if the wife isn't fully on board.

 

(And this is the first I've heard of exMM's threat to "cut you open" when you were pregnant. :mad: That's beyond horrible.)

 

Another thought for you.....why haven't you filed for child support? I understand you personally can support your daughter single-handed, but the fact is she has a RIGHT to financial support from the, erm, father. Caring for a child in a practical and financial way is part of parental love.....a father unwilling to show this form of care in the slightest for the past 5+ years isn't exactly motivated.

 

Best wishes to both of you.

[anika99]

Many of you are clearly, and likely intentionally, misreading my comment. I haven't said the BS isn't innocent. I have no idea. None of us do, not even the OP. BS could be at fault as well. I do not know the MM nor do I know the BS.

 

 

What I do know, as I have one, is that a 5 year old girl should not be the pawn in a man attempting to assuage his own guilt over his prior misdeeds. OPs daughter should not be involved with her father right now. PERIOD. I don't care how much he wants it. Telling BS hasn't changed that.

 

 

Further, I don't know what court system you are in, but in the 3 states I practice, parental abandonment for FIVE YEARS would not allow him anything more than supervised visitation, maybe once a month, if anything. He abandoned his daughter. Once the daughter asks about dad, then OP should maybe introduce him. But I would keep it very light if any contact at all.

 

 

But yes, it is a package deal, especially since MM wants to say. If both MM and BS aren't 100% on board with the daughter coming into the picture, well then you are going to go from a happy well adjusted kid who doesn't know her dad to a serious problem.

 

 

BS should take all the time in the world, but stop pretending her potential hatred for the OP isn't going to play a role in her daughter's life. If BS can't get past that (and it would take YEARS if ever) then MM needs to step out. And yes, the BS not acknowledging her own emotions IS immature because she would be doing it to hurt a child. I don't care if it is her kid or not.

 

 

MM isn't going to be mature enough to do what is right for his daughter. He's shown that. OP needs to. OP has made her bed. Her focus needs to change from how is BS doing/handling this to what is best for my daughter RIGHT NOW. Re-evaluate every 6 months or so.

 

 

Many of you seem to think that she should only worry about the BS and giving her time. That is what I vehemently disagree with. She cannot worry about BS. BS and MM will take care of that. She only needs to worry about her daughter right now.

 

You need to go back and read the OP's first post on this thread. There she said that the exmm told her just 1 week ago that he was going to tell his wife and asked if she should meet with him to plan how to go forward. THAT is why posters are talking about giving the BW time, because if the MM did tell her, then her world was just blown apart and it's only been a matter of days that she has known. No matter how mature she is, the poor woman deserves more than a few days to process what this means to her and her family going forward. Your first post about this showed a complete lack of empathy for this.

 

OP if the exmm tells his wife and wants a relationship with your daughter then I agree that you should facilitate that but stay cautious and go slowly. Stay on the lookout for any negative changes in your daughter. If you are providing her with a safe loving home and she is happy and well adjusted then I don't see some light visitation with her father as something that will damage her. Her primary home is with you, you are her universe, and so long as she feels safe and loved by you then she will be okay.

 

I didn't have a secure stable home growing up. I lived with my mother when she felt like taking responsibility for me and then sent me off to live with other people whenever she got tired of playing mommy. Meanwhile she refused my biological father access to me and she said it was because he was unstable and unreliable and would probably break my heart. Lol....oh the irony! I did develop a relationship with him later and he probably would not have been very consistent dad but I don't think that would have mattered much if my mom was doing everything she could to give me a stable and secure home. The child's primary environment is the most important one and when it's not good that is when a child is truly going to be damaged.

[sandylee1]

 

OPs daughter should not be involved with her father right now. PERIOD. I don't care how much he wants it.

 

But yes, it is a package deal, especially since MM wants to say. If both MM and BS aren't 100% on board with the daughter coming into the picture, well then you are going to go from a happy well adjusted kid who doesn't know her dad to a serious problem.

 

MM isn't going to be mature enough to do what is right for his daughter. He's shown that. OP needs to. OP has made her bed. Her focus needs to change from how is BS doing/handling this to what is best for my daughter RIGHT NOW. Re-evaluate every 6 months or so.

 

.

 

Deciding she should not be able to have a relationship with her father now ....when he wants one...is damaging. These kids that grow up messed up because they never knew their paternity cannot be ignored.

 

If the daughter realises her dad wanted to be part of her life at 5 and her mom refused...she'd likely be very angry later on. He'd have missed so many moments that cannot be brought back... why would you deny her this?

 

I know a woman that resents her mom for never letting her dad be in her life....because she said he was useless. Well the daughter decided she wanted to decide for herself if he was useless..but she never got the chance.

 

There's no reason to deny the child that right to know and build a R with her father.

 

It's a package deal in YOUR opinion. A BS can choose not to form a R with a child in this situation.....ESPECIALLY if it would cause distress to her children. There's more than one child here...which is conveniently forgotten.

 

Hearing your husband has a 5 year old you knew nothing about is a big deal and can turn your world as you knew it upside down. Many kids have not wanted anything to do with a half sibling in these situations. ..... a BS will do what every mother would and protect HER kids.

[noelle303]

Many of you are clearly, and likely intentionally, misreading my comment. I haven't said the BS isn't innocent. I have no idea. None of us do, not even the OP. BS could be at fault as well. I do not know the MM nor do I know the BS.

 

What I do know, as I have one, is that a 5 year old girl should not be the pawn in a man attempting to assuage his own guilt over his prior misdeeds. OPs daughter should not be involved with her father right now. PERIOD. I don't care how much he wants it. Telling BS hasn't changed that.

 

 

Further, I don't know what court system you are in, but in the 3 states I practice, parental abandonment for FIVE YEARS would not allow him anything more than supervised visitation, maybe once a month, if anything. He abandoned his daughter. Once the daughter asks about dad, then OP should maybe introduce him. But I would keep it very light if any contact at all.

 

 

But yes, it is a package deal, especially since MM wants to say. If both MM and BS aren't 100% on board with the daughter coming into the picture, well then you are going to go from a happy well adjusted kid who doesn't know her dad to a serious problem.

 

 

BS should take all the time in the world, but stop pretending her potential hatred for the OP isn't going to play a role in her daughter's life. If BS can't get past that (and it would take YEARS if ever) then MM needs to step out. And yes, the BS not acknowledging her own emotions IS immature because she would be doing it to hurt a child. I don't care if it is her kid or not.

 

 

MM isn't going to be mature enough to do what is right for his daughter. He's shown that. OP needs to. OP has made her bed. Her focus needs to change from how is BS doing/handling this to what is best for my daughter RIGHT NOW. Re-evaluate every 6 months or so.

 

 

Many of you seem to think that she should only worry about the BS and giving her time. That is what I vehemently disagree with. She cannot worry about BS. BS and MM will take care of that. She only needs to worry about her daughter right now.

 

I don't even understand this reasoning. He should feel guilty and he should be sorry for what he did and how he behaved. The very fact he does rehabilitates him in my eyes a little bit. I don't see how his acknowledgement that he was an ass and desire to make up for it and make things right equals him using her as a pawn?

 

As I said, it is still hard to trust him. That is why this integration into her life will be slow and closely monitored. But I would never forgive myself if I made this decision for her and she misses out on experiencing having a father in her life just because of me. I know I would feel resentful if such a decision was made for me.

 

It is too early to comment on how big of an issue his wife is going to be because I don't even know the current state of their marriage. She might as well be filing for divorce as we speak. I only know that if she can't set aside her her emotions (no matter how valid they are) she won't be in her life. But I also know that even if she accepts her, it will certainly take time and visitation will probably be outside of their home and only with her father until everyone is comfortable enough, however long that may take.

[SoleMate]

It's problematic to speculate about BS reactions and behavioral timeline when we can't be sure she's even been told.

If exMM actually spontaneously told his BS about the A, exOW and 5 year old child, then he is one in a million.

[Sassy Girl]

I don't even understand this reasoning. He should feel guilty and he should be sorry for what he did and how he behaved. The very fact he does rehabilitates him in my eyes a little bit. I don't see how his acknowledgement that he was an ass and desire to make up for it and make things right equals him using her as a pawn?

 

As I said, it is still hard to trust him. That is why this integration into her life will be slow and closely monitored. But I would never forgive myself if I made this decision for her and she misses out on experiencing having a father in her life just because of me. I know I would feel resentful if such a decision was made for me.

 

It is too early to comment on how big of an issue his wife is going to be because I don't even know the current state of their marriage. She might as well be filing for divorce as we speak. I only know that if she can't set aside her her emotions (no matter how valid they are) she won't be in her life. But I also know that even if she accepts her, it will certainly take time and visitation will probably be outside of their home and only with her father until everyone is comfortable enough, however long that may take.

 

I think you're actually being quite pragmatic about this. However your last paragraph is where stalemate will happen. There is no way a wife will allow her husband to have private meetings with his exOW and child and play happy families without her, even for an afternoon. Not any wife who wants to protect her marriage.

 

Look, I get you want to control every aspect of this and only want to protect your daughter, but you won't be able to control this part. In some respects by having a child with a married man you already picked your daughters step mother. You had a baby with someone else's husband. These are the consequences. At some point you're probably going to have to face the reality that you have to include the wife, or deny your daughter her father. But remember the only people who chose this situation are you and MM.... Everyone else is a victim and deserves empathy.

[Ms. Faust]

Many of you are clearly, and likely intentionally, misreading my comment. I haven't said the BS isn't innocent. I have no idea. None of us do, not even the OP. BS could be at fault as well. I do not know the MM nor do I know the BS.

 

How the hell could the BS be even close to at fault in this situation?

[noelle303]

I think you're actually being quite pragmatic about this. However your last paragraph is where stalemate will happen. There is no way a wife will allow her husband to have private meetings with his exOW and child and play happy families without her, even for an afternoon. Not any wife who wants to protect her marriage.

 

Look, I get you want to control every aspect of this and only want to protect your daughter, but you won't be able to control this part. In some respects by having a child with a married man you already picked your daughters step mother. You had a baby with someone else's husband. These are the consequences. At some point you're probably going to have to face the reality that you have to include the wife, or deny your daughter her father. But remember the only people who chose this situation are you and MM.... Everyone else is a victim and deserves empathy.

 

We wouldn't be playing happy families, he would be visiting his child and after a while, when I can trust him enough I don't even have to be there.

 

All in all, he called me. He has been staying in a hotel for the past week and there isn't much he can tell me. Nothing has been decided, everyone is just cooling off and trying to come to terms with everything.

 

We arranged to meet so he can see our daughter tomorrow.

[minimariah]

BS could be at fault as well...

 

BS cannot possibly be at fault for her husband having an affair (remember -- being responsible for problems in the marriage that eventually led to the affair is NOT the same thing as being responsible for the affair) & hiding his child from his entire family.

 

this is a really difficult situation - especially for the MM's children... can you imagine that shock? put yourself in this BS's shoes for a hot minute -- how would it feel? it will be EXTREMELY hard once they're old enough to REALLY understand the situation. from my personal experience with situations like these -- the OP's child won't be a part of the MM's family. they will probably spend their own time together, just the two of them - completely separate from the BS and their boys.

 

and finally, the BS doesn't have to accept the child. she can refuse to ever see that little girl -- it is up to this MM to either accept that and act accordingly OR divorce her over it. and it is up to the OP to decide what will she do in that case.

 

Once the daughter asks about dad, then OP should maybe introduce him.

 

by then - it will be entirely too late. if there is ANY chance of the OP's daughter having any kind of normal relationship with her father -- NOW is the time to react. the OP shouldn't wait, what is done - is done.

 

BS should take all the time in the world, but stop pretending her potential hatred for the OP isn't going to play a role in her daughter's life.

 

we don't even know if the BS will stay married YET -- the OP should be careful; but being negative & demonizing the BS right in the beginning... that can be very damaging. in reality, we don't know if her hatred for the OP will or will not play a role in the daughter's life.

 

MM isn't going to be mature enough to do what is right for his daughter.

 

well, he did show SOME maturity by finally coming clean to his family -- so there you have it.

 

But I would never forgive myself if I made this decision for her and she misses out on experiencing having a father in her life just because of me. I know I would feel resentful if such a decision was made for me.

 

be prepared for that resentment -- it can't be avoided once she's old enough to realize you chose a married man for her father. she WILL blame you but that sort of resentment is usually short lived.

Edited February 19, 2016 by minimariah

[UpwardForward]

Sorry, I didn't read the whole thread.

 

 

But just to add, I wouldn't be comfortable with any arrangement that could lead to your child being placed - or prolonged 'visitation' in a home environment with your exMM, his wife, and family.

 

 

I know this is common ... but should be considered with your pending arrangement.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Just read this thread, noelle, and am wondering how things are going with you and your daughter concerning visitation with her father?

[noelle303]

Just read this thread, noelle, and am wondering how things are going with you and your daughter concerning visitation with her father?

 

Oh, thanks for asking. It is going quite well.

 

He and his wife seperated when she found out but just last week he moved back in and they are attending therapy, as far as I know.

 

He is currently seeing our daughter about once a week, with me there. We usually go do something together with her. Once she is completely comfortable with him, he'll start seeing her on his own.

 

We also began the process of parental acknowledgement and first on the list is DNA testing. After that is established we will determine child support and visitation.

 

Right now, his wife expressed that she doesn'want to meet us yet, she needs to fully come to terms with the situation, but she is open to meeting Ava in the future.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Oh, thanks for asking. It is going quite well.

 

He and his wife seperated when she found out but just last week he moved back in and they are attending therapy, as far as I know.

 

He is currently seeing our daughter about once a week, with me there. We usually go do something together with her. Once she is completely comfortable with him, he'll start seeing her on his own.

 

We also began the process of parental acknowledgement and first on the list is DNA testing. After that is established we will determine child support and visitation.

 

Right now, his wife expressed that she doesn'want to meet us yet, she needs to fully come to terms with the situation, but she is open to meeting Ava in the future.

 

Great to read this report. I really admire how you're handling things.

 

Also, it seems to me exMM's wife is wise to take things slowly, processing her emotions over time before meeting Ava.

 

Ava's fortunate to have you as her mother! Wishing you the best and hope you find occasion to continue to post and update.