Emotionally shut down, not sure ...

[ThatWife]

I’ll try to keep this somewhat short…

 

Background.

 

Married just over 5 years, together for 8. Married when I was 21 and he was around 27. Met during a semester abroad, and began dating when we returned to the states. We bonded over the shared experience, and I think this is what largely brought us together in the first place. We both admit that we never had much chemistry or a deep connection- but we hit the ‘checklist’ for what we wanted in long term mates. He was my first adult boyfriend, and I loved feeling ‘grown up’. We made a mutual decision to marry. I figured that the ‘butterflies’ and ‘sparks’ fade anyways, so not having them to begin with shouldn’t be a big deal.

 

It didn’t take long for me realize I did need those feelings of love and connection. (Shocking, I know). I went through cycles throughout our marriage of feeling unwanted and rejected, to trying to force myself to understand how he loved me. He wasn’t affectionate, or very good at communicating. He would shut down and conversations of feelings. I bought books, tried to spice up the bedroom, tried to talk- but he wasn’t receptive. I would of course circle back to feeling very unwanted and resentful.

 

The larger underlying problems made the smaller, normal marital issues seem huge. He wasn’t helpful around the house, and acted as though his time was more important than mine. He has since admitted that he didn’t believe the adage ‘happy wife happy life’, and didn’t want to be walked on. He didn’t want to be one of those husbands with a minivan and catering to my every whim. I realized that I don’t trust him to be there or support me when I need him. I was very unhappy and thought about leaving frequently.

 

We made a big move a couple years ago and things improved. He began to treat me better, and he had more fun than we had in years. We found a common hobby, and enjoyed exploring our new city. Our sex life (though still a bit boring and disconnected) became slightly more frequent. I thought this might pan out for me- but I still had the nagging feeling that I wanted to feel a real connection and chemistry.

 

Over the fall months, things began to deteriorate. We started fighting a lot about my family (he’s not a huge fan) and I began to realize how much I’d alienated myself from them. I reconnected with my sister and spent a few late nights at her house visiting and having a couple cocktails. This caused huge fights- as he doesn’t care for my sister or the company she keeps and seemed to believe that because she has an alcohol problem I might pick one up too. He even insinuated at one point we might be doing hard drugs. (I have not done a hard drug in my life- and drink responsibly when I do). We argued about the way my family celebrates holidays versus his, the fact that he doesn’t want to spend much time at a family cabin my parents purchased this last year- pretty much everything to do with family. I am very close with mine, and will get very defensive if they’re getting ‘put down’. Somewhere in this ugly mix I accidentally connected with a family friend that I’d asked to teach me to hunt- we went on a long drive to take my compound bow out to practice and had nice conversation. Nothing happened, but it made me realize even more so what natural chemistry and connection I’m missing with my spouse. Just a little bonus. And yes, my husband knows about this.

 

Over Christmas I began to think very seriously that I should leave the marriage. I’ve thought about it for a long time- and so much damage has been done. I started to look into individual counseling and began journaling and doing a lot of self-reflection. Overall, my husband had not been a great spouse and left me to do much of the heavy lifting. I didn’t trust him to support me, we have little to no chemistry, aren’t very compatible in the bedroom, and I crave the feeling of being loved. We have no children, and I have held off because I never really wanted children with him. Largely because of his lack of help and support- I couldn’t envision him putting my shoes on for me or getting up for a midnight feeding. I told him this, and he began to want to change.

 

I started individual counseling and my first appointment I immediately cried as soon as the words came out of my mouth that I wasn’t sure about staying in my marriage. I feel so guilty- I know my husband loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I also know he takes me for granted. I’m not the best wife either- but I’ve also conditioned myself to stay somewhat at arm’s length.

 

After more reflection, journaling, and counseling I begin to come to the conclusion and gain peace with the fact that I could very well be happier outside of this marriage. Alone, even. I’m very self-sufficient- financially and otherwise. I don’t need someone to take care of me- what I want is someone to add to my life.

 

I found the courage one night (my husband and I had begun having a very open forum of discussion since Christmas, more open than ever before) to tell my spouse that I thought I would be happier alone. He didn’t take this very well, and has decided that he wants to change completely and do everything he can to save our marriage.

 

It’s been a few weeks since then. He’s been attentive, reading articles, finding books and programs, and wants to attend marriage counseling. (I’m still in individual counseling for now). He wants to change up our intimate life and try to connect. He doesn’t believe in divorce and refuses to talk about it. He has been everything I thought I wanted him to be- but the connection is still not there. In fact, I’m not even interested in being intimate with him at all. The thought makes me very uncomfortable. (And he’s been pushing it). I have emotionally shut down completely and closed off. I think if this change happened a few years ago I would have been more open- I wanted to save our marriage desperately. But I fear the ship sailed.

 

I’m afraid no matter what I’ll have regrets. If I stay and try to work on our marriage- I’m very concerned I can’t open up enough to truly give it a fair go. I feel so awkward, guilty, and a little uncomfortable. I don’t want to spend another few years trying- only to end up in the same place and just a little bit older. I’m young enough to start over. I also don’t want to walk away and feel I didn’t do enough. But that’s the confusing part- I don’t know what I have left to give. My walls are huge and the problems feel insurmountable. Can you make chemistry and reignite a flame that never really blazed?

 

So here I am. With a man that is suddenly telling me what I’ve been waiting to hear and treating me the way I wanted to be treated. But it feels too late. I don’t know what to do- or what I can do. I don’t know if I can trust these are permanent changes. He refuses to talk about separating or how he would feel about it other than he doesn’t want anyone else but me. I feel like the worst person in the world- like I’m crushing his life. I’m not one to come to internet forums, but I’ve been reading a lot here and would love some insight from some seasoned vets. I’m just at a loss. I’ll answer any questions should there be any…

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

[Mr. Lucky]

So here I am. With a man that is suddenly telling me what I’ve been waiting to hear and treating me the way I wanted to be treated. But it feels too late. I don’t know what to do- or what I can do. I don’t know if I can trust these are permanent changes.

 

Ironic, eh? And you're not the first person that has described this same scenario.

 

Not a decision anyone can - or should - make for you. An outside observer might comment on the basic unfairness of asking someone to change and, once they do, deciding unilaterally the requested change isn't enough.

 

I'm a big believer in working on your marriage if both partners are committed to the process. All those things that once drew you to the relationship may still be there, only way to find out would be to take the journey together. I'd guess you'd find out pretty quickly if he's really going to make the effort to change...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Brady375]

I experienced all the same feelings.

Married 5yrs no kids (hard to warm up to the kid idea when I'm already busy taking care of her) No real spark and def no connection/conversation. But we both had a lot of the same core values and I obiviously found her attractive, I was also banking on the vision of what our relationship would become prior to marriage as we were Both heading in positive directions. As time went on it was clear she wasn't maturing of becoming the person I envisioned she would be. Dumb on my part committing prior to both of us had our lives in order. We both had growing up to do. But when your young......

Hit a breaking point when my concerns were ignored over and over again until I began to resent her and lose respect and admiration. Then things built up until we seperated 2 and a half months ago.

How we got to these points are diff but the resulting feelings we experienced I think are Similar. I look at my situation and it does not look promising for long term happiness. I wouldn't be considering leaving this if I thought it was only short term happiness I was foregoing.

I Feel like I am now battling w breaking my promise and sacrificing part of my integrity for my Happiness. I feel like I am in a Lose Lose Situation. It's sad. I am giving things ample time. It's going on 3 months. I am going to individual counseling and I have certain Reasonable Needs that need to be Met. During this time I am giving her the opportunity to grow up and get her life in order. If she doesn't want to get off her ass then that's fine she can continue to live at her parents. If she decides she wants to divorce and is sick of waiting thats ok then that's her decision and I will not be the one breaking my word. If she can get her career in order and continue to not drink so she can be more of a Contributor to OUR life together Then I will be open to more Dialogue and mate marriage counseling to see if we can agree and salvage things.

This is what I will need I think so that I'm able to genuinely move in a positive direction towards her. Even if it's not a major step forward it's something. Otherwise it's almost impossible for me to get past that "Breaking Point/I'm Done feeling". I had to ask myself what I would need to get around that feeling and the above needs I listed are it. Small starting point.

It's like I have to want to date her all over again and given her current state at her current age I would not. W some positive changes I would maybe regain some respect and that could lead to maybe positive conversation.

Idk if any of this helps you so that you could Formulate a Starting Pont for yourself. Or what needs you would need to be met and what actions you would have to see taken before moving towards him.

I have made it clear over the years what my needs were and we are now separated. I have Not told my other half Do XYZ and Well work on getting back together, as I see this would just be giving her an exercise to accomplish. I'm not spoon feeding her. If she wants to make changes for the better great. She's an adult. I've spoon fed and supported her enough. If she can't manage to find the inspiration to do it now wo me drawing it out w crayons then it is what it is. Hope this helps in some way. It's a crumby spot to be in. One thing I have learned that when you feel like her a deer in the headlights at a stand still Going No where you Are Not. Each day positive and negative influences are forming your perception of things. Each day you are doing things, some small, sometimes big things/actions that are bringing you closer and closer to the eventual outcome of all of this. You are moving forward.

Also if you are not certain of what to do the best thing is to do Nothing. If your unsure don't get back together or divorce. I am unsure about it but I was Not unsure when I told her we had to seperate or that I was Done. It was done out of a need. There wasn't a lot of doubt. You will gain clarity in dealing w the bigger questions as well. It takes time.

Edited February 17, 2016 by Brady375

[Redhead14]

I’ll try to keep this somewhat short…

 

Background.

 

Married just over 5 years, together for 8. Married when I was 21 and he was around 27. Met during a semester abroad, and began dating when we returned to the states. We bonded over the shared experience, and I think this is what largely brought us together in the first place. We both admit that we never had much chemistry or a deep connection- but we hit the ‘checklist’ for what we wanted in long term mates. He was my first adult boyfriend, and I loved feeling ‘grown up’. We made a mutual decision to marry. I figured that the ‘butterflies’ and ‘sparks’ fade anyways, so not having them to begin with shouldn’t be a big deal.

 

It didn’t take long for me realize I did need those feelings of love and connection. (Shocking, I know). I went through cycles throughout our marriage of feeling unwanted and rejected, to trying to force myself to understand how he loved me. He wasn’t affectionate, or very good at communicating. He would shut down and conversations of feelings. I bought books, tried to spice up the bedroom, tried to talk- but he wasn’t receptive. I would of course circle back to feeling very unwanted and resentful.

 

The larger underlying problems made the smaller, normal marital issues seem huge. He wasn’t helpful around the house, and acted as though his time was more important than mine. He has since admitted that he didn’t believe the adage ‘happy wife happy life’, and didn’t want to be walked on. He didn’t want to be one of those husbands with a minivan and catering to my every whim. I realized that I don’t trust him to be there or support me when I need him. I was very unhappy and thought about leaving frequently.

 

We made a big move a couple years ago and things improved. He began to treat me better, and he had more fun than we had in years. We found a common hobby, and enjoyed exploring our new city. Our sex life (though still a bit boring and disconnected) became slightly more frequent. I thought this might pan out for me- but I still had the nagging feeling that I wanted to feel a real connection and chemistry.

 

Over the fall months, things began to deteriorate. We started fighting a lot about my family (he’s not a huge fan) and I began to realize how much I’d alienated myself from them. I reconnected with my sister and spent a few late nights at her house visiting and having a couple cocktails. This caused huge fights- as he doesn’t care for my sister or the company she keeps and seemed to believe that because she has an alcohol problem I might pick one up too. He even insinuated at one point we might be doing hard drugs. (I have not done a hard drug in my life- and drink responsibly when I do). We argued about the way my family celebrates holidays versus his, the fact that he doesn’t want to spend much time at a family cabin my parents purchased this last year- pretty much everything to do with family. I am very close with mine, and will get very defensive if they’re getting ‘put down’. Somewhere in this ugly mix I accidentally connected with a family friend that I’d asked to teach me to hunt- we went on a long drive to take my compound bow out to practice and had nice conversation. Nothing happened, but it made me realize even more so what natural chemistry and connection I’m missing with my spouse. Just a little bonus. And yes, my husband knows about this.

 

Over Christmas I began to think very seriously that I should leave the marriage. I’ve thought about it for a long time- and so much damage has been done. I started to look into individual counseling and began journaling and doing a lot of self-reflection. Overall, my husband had not been a great spouse and left me to do much of the heavy lifting. I didn’t trust him to support me, we have little to no chemistry, aren’t very compatible in the bedroom, and I crave the feeling of being loved. We have no children, and I have held off because I never really wanted children with him. Largely because of his lack of help and support- I couldn’t envision him putting my shoes on for me or getting up for a midnight feeding. I told him this, and he began to want to change.

 

I started individual counseling and my first appointment I immediately cried as soon as the words came out of my mouth that I wasn’t sure about staying in my marriage. I feel so guilty- I know my husband loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I also know he takes me for granted. I’m not the best wife either- but I’ve also conditioned myself to stay somewhat at arm’s length.

 

After more reflection, journaling, and counseling I begin to come to the conclusion and gain peace with the fact that I could very well be happier outside of this marriage. Alone, even. I’m very self-sufficient- financially and otherwise. I don’t need someone to take care of me- what I want is someone to add to my life.

 

I found the courage one night (my husband and I had begun having a very open forum of discussion since Christmas, more open than ever before) to tell my spouse that I thought I would be happier alone. He didn’t take this very well, and has decided that he wants to change completely and do everything he can to save our marriage.

 

It’s been a few weeks since then. He’s been attentive, reading articles, finding books and programs, and wants to attend marriage counseling. (I’m still in individual counseling for now). He wants to change up our intimate life and try to connect. He doesn’t believe in divorce and refuses to talk about it. He has been everything I thought I wanted him to be- but the connection is still not there. In fact, I’m not even interested in being intimate with him at all. The thought makes me very uncomfortable. (And he’s been pushing it). I have emotionally shut down completely and closed off. I think if this change happened a few years ago I would have been more open- I wanted to save our marriage desperately. But I fear the ship sailed.

 

I’m afraid no matter what I’ll have regrets. If I stay and try to work on our marriage- I’m very concerned I can’t open up enough to truly give it a fair go. I feel so awkward, guilty, and a little uncomfortable. I don’t want to spend another few years trying- only to end up in the same place and just a little bit older. I’m young enough to start over. I also don’t want to walk away and feel I didn’t do enough. But that’s the confusing part- I don’t know what I have left to give. My walls are huge and the problems feel insurmountable. Can you make chemistry and reignite a flame that never really blazed?

 

So here I am. With a man that is suddenly telling me what I’ve been waiting to hear and treating me the way I wanted to be treated. But it feels too late. I don’t know what to do- or what I can do. I don’t know if I can trust these are permanent changes. He refuses to talk about separating or how he would feel about it other than he doesn’t want anyone else but me. I feel like the worst person in the world- like I’m crushing his life. I’m not one to come to internet forums, but I’ve been reading a lot here and would love some insight from some seasoned vets. I’m just at a loss. I’ll answer any questions should there be any…

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

 

So here I am. With a man that is suddenly telling me what I’ve been waiting to hear and treating me the way I wanted to be treated. But it feels too late.

 

Basically, you are with a "new" man, kind of a stranger. It's not odd that you might be a little distant. It's a little uncomfortable, it's a change. It may help if you get back to the basics. Basically, start dating again. See if you can do a little role modeling in a way -- ask him if he can call you one day, let him pick the day, and invite you out to dinner at a nice place. Dress to the nines, make yourself look and feel really good. Start rebuilding from the bottom up. It sounds corny and may feel a little forced, but there's not harm in trying. You need to observe for a while whether these changes will stick. It's going to take time for sure. There are other exercises for rebuilding a relationship that are actually fun.

 

You might also want to consider "marriage camp". Lots of people benefit from those programs.

[testmeasure]

Yep. After that, this. It can happen. I'm so sorry that's where you are. From here where?

 

If there are children or you want to save it, fight for it. Go counselling try to drag him to marital counseling. Fight for it.

 

When it becomes clear that the relationship is beyond all reasonable hope, give it up. Past that point, there's no reasonable point. It's all done.

 

If you're married, be aware of any legal ties you may have. Handle them appropriately. Be aware of your legal status in your locale. Only a local attorney can guide you thorough what you actually face.

 

I'm not an attorney and this isn't legal advice etc....

 

.

Edited February 17, 2016 by testmeasure

[Satu]

Snip

 

So here I am. With a man that is suddenly telling me what I’ve been waiting to hear and treating me the way I wanted to be treated. But it feels too late. I don’t know what to do- or what I can do. *I don’t know if I can trust these are permanent changes. He refuses to talk about separating or how he would feel about it other than he doesn’t want anyone else but me. I feel like the worst person in the world- like I’m crushing his life. I’m not one to come to internet forums, but I’ve been reading a lot here and would love some insight from some seasoned vets. I’m just at a loss. I’ll answer any questions should there be any…

 

 

*If you want to work it out, you'll both have to change.

 

Seeing how he needs to change is the easy part.

 

Seeing how you need to change is much harder.

 

If you don't want to work it out, just end it and move on.

 

 

Take care.

Edited February 17, 2016 by Satu

[danny11]

gotta fight! he started fighting, he knows how you feel now he's fighting.

 

hard right? marriage isn't easy.. it will take time but if both fight it works out.

 

love is an emotion that comes and goes don't get to caught up in the butterflies

if you want it to work it will work he's doing what rarely men do, most men let the wife walk and replace em with a younger one within a week.

[Earlybird]

I figured that the ‘butterflies’ and ‘sparks’ fade anyways, so not having them to begin with shouldn’t be a big deal.

 

Wow! That's how I felt when I opted for marriage! You're the first person I've found who's said that!

[mikeylo]

We both admit that we never had much chemistry or a deep connection- but we hit the ‘checklist’ for what we wanted in long term mates.

 

The big mistake!

 

You ignored one of the basic things that brings and keeps two people together.Many times two people are completely different on paper but since their connection is strong and on level with each other, that every box gets ticked later slowly. They become small issues to work around with.

 

Next mistake

 

I figured that the ‘butterflies’ and ‘sparks’ fade anyways, so not having them to begin with shouldn’t be a big deal.

 

They dont fade away, they just take a back seat as the relationship develops.Thats what needs to be worked on every now and then otherwise it leads to stagnancy and drifting apart.Of course it wont be same as the initial months but definately not after 5 years !

 

My wife and I go on dates once a week even to this.Married 20 years.Its will be more often now that kids are moving out.We have more time for ourselves.

 

You ignored the major 2 things.The other issues were bound to come up,like any other relationship but what you missed would have helped you cope and find solutions and work on them as a team.

[Arieswoman]

Thatwife,

It sounds like you married the same guy as me first time around! (However, we did have a deep connection but no real sparks )

 

I think that this was the problem to start with;

 

We both admit that we never had much chemistry or a deep connection- but we hit the ‘checklist’ for what we wanted in long term mat

 

and that lead on to this;

 

It didn’t take long for me realize I did need those feelings of love and connection. (Shocking, I know). I went through cycles throughout our marriage of feeling unwanted and rejected, to trying to force myself to understand how he loved me. He wasn’t affectionate, or very good at communicating. He would shut down and conversations of feelings. I bought books, tried to spice up the bedroom, tried to talk- but he wasn’t receptive. I would of course circle back to feeling very unwanted and resentful.

 

He sounds like he's emotionally shut down and I'm not sure that can be fixed.

 

I am putting a link to Baggage Reclaim about emotionally available men. (I'm not sure I'm allowed to do this, but if the Mods pull it then you can check it out for yourself.)

 

Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Change? | Baggage Reclaim By Natalie Lue

 

HTH

 

Good Luck

[Earlybird]

Ok, so I've read all the replies now, and I can't believe so many of you are telling her to stay! Have any of you actually been in this situation? He made her wait 8 years! In a woman's reproductive stage of life, that's a long time. And is she going to have to threaten to leave every time she needs to get him to show a bit of consideration? I'm struggling with this in my own life, and it just seems impossible to re-kindle a flame that was never there in the first place.

Edited March 6, 2016 by Earlybird