Push_Through_It Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 "I'm sorry if I hurt you" = I still have doubts that what I did was wrong "I'm sorry you feel that way" = My actions aren't wrong, you're feelings are "I'm sorry that happened" = It wasn't actually my fault "I'm sorry but if you hadn't done XYZ..." = You made me do it "I'm sorry you're so sensitive" = Get used to it cause I'm not changing Today I've been reflecting a lot on the idea of the "non-apology" and the damage that it can do to a relationship. My ex was particularly fond of using the "I'm sorry you feel that way" line and every time she did I just scoffed and called bull****. I've experienced these lines not just within my love life but also within my relationships with friends & family and I've yet to find a productive way to tell someone their apology is actually meaningless. Often they chose to deflect and say things like "you're just nit-picking my words" and "Sorry I'm not apologizing in the exact way you want". They don't realize that I'm not expecting to hear some specific group of words in the right order I'm just expecting to hear the core make-up of an apology which is ownership of the mistake, recognition of the other person's feelings, and a promise to try and do better in the future. Does anyone else have experience with "non-apologies" or strategies on what to do when you get one? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 One time my partner gave me the "I am sorry you are mad at me" I LAUGHED and called him out on the bull**** that response was. Oh you are sorry I am mad? That's funny. That's not how it works darling. We put it behind us, he saw how ridiculous saying that was. "I am sorry what I have done has caused you to feel that way" is a real appology. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I can't see a place for 'strategies' in a relationship. In a war, I see it. In sport, I see it. But not in a relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Push_Through_It Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 Satu - When you're reading it feel free to substitute "strategies" for "tips", "ideas", "thoughts", "experiences", etc. "I'm sorry" you felt my word choice was incorrect 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Push_Through_It Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 RC - You nailed it. I was blind to the fact that I used them myself until a former lover called me out on it. I guess I felt that since she shattered that glass for me and allowed me to see something about myself that I wasn't mindful of yet I attempt to do the same to others instead of just accepting the fakeness and sweeping it under the rug. A fake apology still leaves me with the original hurt PLUS now I'm feeling as if my feelings are being ignored or dismissed for just because the other person would rather move on to another topic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Satu - When you're reading it feel free to substitute "strategies" for "tips", "ideas", "thoughts", "experiences", etc. "I'm sorry" you felt my word choice was incorrect I'm sorry that you're sorry, but you're not sorry enough. Sorry I had to tell you that 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 "I'm sorry if I hurt you" = I still have doubts that what I did was wrong "I'm sorry you feel that way" = My actions aren't wrong, you're feelings are "I'm sorry that happened" = It wasn't actually my fault "I'm sorry but if you hadn't done XYZ..." = You made me do it "I'm sorry you're so sensitive" = Get used to it cause I'm not changing Today I've been reflecting a lot on the idea of the "non-apology" and the damage that it can do to a relationship. My ex was particularly fond of using the "I'm sorry you feel that way" line and every time she did I just scoffed and called bull****. I've experienced these lines not just within my love life but also within my relationships with friends & family and I've yet to find a productive way to tell someone their apology is actually meaningless. Often they chose to deflect and say things like "you're just nit-picking my words" and "Sorry I'm not apologizing in the exact way you want". They don't realize that I'm not expecting to hear some specific group of words in the right order I'm just expecting to hear the core make-up of an apology which is ownership of the mistake, recognition of the other person's feelings, and a promise to try and do better in the future. Does anyone else have experience with "non-apologies" or strategies on what to do when you get one? People who non-apologize do think that way. It’s not an accident. So I just realize that’s who he or she is and I don’t get very close to people like that. When I get a non-apology I just nod or say, OK. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I'm sorry that you're sorry, but you're not sorry enough. Sorry I had to tell you that Satu, it's unfortunate you feel that way. (Even more passing the buck lol. ) OP, I just always call it out. Take no crap and you'll generally get less than not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Satu, it's unfortunate you feel that way. (Even more passing the buck lol. ) OP, I just always call it out. Take no crap and you'll generally get less than not. Its just so hard to think of something to be sorry about... Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Tone , body language and the issue carry equally into how to apologize. Yes a person can feel sorrow (empathy) when another conveys disappointment. So I tend to say that I am sorry they are feeling disappointed and what can I do to improve the ( insert issue/concern). apologies are not band aids. They are reflections of our boundaries and how sometimes we overstep others in the process. I have a social friend that hands out apologies like candy, and does it with a smile. Its oddly bizarre yet folks are smitten with his charm and immediately assume he means no ill intent. Not sure that confronting someone in a way that forces an apology is wise. Most adults know that it means zero if forced. I dont accept or give forced apologizes. Genuine ones happen when each side openly directs the issue and works at resolution. The kicker is when sincere apologies are conveyed and the person scoffs. I usually walk away and let them deal with that since The effort was there...its in their court. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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