jacast Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) hi, i'd love to hear opinions and advice i am the OW with a MM in a moderately long (200 miles) distance, every other weekend, relationship i was married for 22 years, my children are 18, 16 and 13. i met my MM, married for 18 years (we're both in our late 40s, his children are 21 and 18), 2 years ago, sex at first, soon deep intimacy, fell in love. the BW found out 3 months later - and i chose to face MY own consequences honestly before i got in trouble too - i didn't want to be a dishonest cheater, but my choice was to end my loveless, affectionless (but not terrible) marriage and try love again (i had been "dreaming" about falling in love ever since i was marreid), so i revealed to my H, we separated. my MM's choice instead was to lie to his BW (he was a seasoned cheater ie liar, had an EA before which lasted 6 yrs, kept secret, eventually he fell out of love) but didn't end our relationship; more was discovered soon, he stopped lying but avoided a choice, claimed to his BW he didn't know what he would do. to me, he claimed he had decided on us and against his sexless, affectionless (but not terrible) marriage. but he kept living at home. i often suffered from insecurity, doubted his intentions, resented their intimacy, their social life... so i set limits of time and tolerance for myself beyond which i wouldn't go... something always changed for the better or much better before my limits were reached. my limits regarded sex, social life, holidays, living quarters... at first the BW tried to win him back with sex and affection, he preferred mine, then she disclosed to friends and his family, made demands, he resented, it slowly backfired, he moved to the guest room, she waited, demanded, pressured, slowly their social life decreased almost to a stop, the second year he began introducing me to friends and involving me in his social life when me met. by now we go on holiday together, i went to his company's weekend outing as his partner, he started investing alot of time in helping me fix my new home. i have met his children, he has met mine, they're ok with it. i guess our image has slowly changed from cheater and home wrekcer to two mature people who want another chance at love in life. i would say we have a beautiful honest relationship which has gotten better and better and are very much in love. now he mentions divorce, has been to divorce counselling, has suggested an amicable solution to his BW, she refuses categorically, will not divorce, will simply wait for him to leave me and reconcile. but she dictates rules eg like he's not allowed to talk to me or skype from the house, she keeps her bedroom door open to make sure, i've heard it happen several times when we skyped, she banging loudly on his door and yelling to stop. granted, given their modest financial status, divorce will be very hard on both of them. especially on her, we're in austria, if she doesn't cooperate, it will take at least 3 yrs after they separate. but he still lives at home... one of my time limits used to be about him moving out. i had the feeling it should happen by the end of this second year, or i would leave. i realized it isn't easy for him to find an affordable place to stay, it will take more time, through friends, and i have the feeling it may be a small home but should be a nice home, where he feels good, or he'll resent it. if things don't work out between us, he shouldn't resent it and me because i pressured it, but should be happy about his choice, so i think i should set a longer deadline, like the end of next year. i also aknowledge the difference between between being easily able to afford a divorce (me) and being completely strained financially (him). then again, supposing he files for divorce, 3 years after moving out...that stretches things out alot... so he has been moving very slowly, and i am insecure sometimes, like am loveblind and not facing reality? when i am insecure i am not very lovable, am jealous...have bouts of deep depression... he doesn't exactly know, because i think i should make my own decisions, set my own deadlines, without trying to make him do what he doesn't really want to do, which doesn't work anyhow, and could be eventually resented. but he does know i set some kind of limits and deadlines for myself and i don't want to wait forever or wait untli he falls out of love... my friends think like: keep dreaming honey, he'll never leave his wife, if he hasn't already... yeah, sure, he has no sex with her, etc etc... can you compare with what you've been through and seen and heard here with your experience? do you have the feeling i can trust and should wait or am i caught with a serial cheater in one of my love dreams? Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 He is a serial cheater and has the best of both worlds. Why would he destroy that? He would not. He wants to stay married or else he would have filed. She can not stop that. His kids are adults so he does not have that as an excuse, which is all he is giving you. End this relationship and find someone who loves you authentically. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacast Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 thank you for the quick reply - it just seems so absolute and harsh... no time frame? no give and take? not a chance? at least file by .... or end the realtionship? no talking? with such a strict attitude i'm afraid no relationship on earth of any kind would survive... it sounds like he is the one getting everything and i am getting nothing fron this relationship, which i don't feel is true... Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 If you move replace his wife, then that leaves your position vacant. If he is a serial cheater, he WILL fill that position with an OW. Why would you trust him with your future? YOu already KNOW what he is. Poppy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 thank you for the quick reply - it just seems so absolute and harsh... no time frame? no give and take? not a chance? at least file by .... or end the realtionship? no talking? with such a strict attitude i'm afraid no relationship on earth of any kind would survive... it sounds like he is the one getting everything and i am getting nothing fron this relationship, which i don't feel is true... Why would a time frame matter? You have already given him two years. Give and take? You give and he takes. He is getting everything he wants. How is this a strict attitude? It is about you not continuing in a relationship that is going nowhere. What are you getting from the relationship then? It sounds like empty promises, heartache and crumbs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 He can file for divorce even if the wife doesn't want it. Time to stop pushing deadlines back and have an ultimatium conversation with him. If he doesn't want to leave his wife, fine. But you'd be a fool to keep sticking around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacast Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 thank you i'm afraid i came to the wrong place, it looked like a place to discuss the difficulties and problems of people in a relationship with a married partner... am i in a place that tries to eradicate "infidelity" and where the only right way is "out"? life, love relationships are not only black or white, i was expecting to hear ideas by people with experience on the many shades in between. while you may very well be right, you may be wrong. i have the feeling you're not sharing your experience or giving support, you're both just being opinionist. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Well, I was OW. I ended up with my AP and we are very happy. The only thing I can tell you is that you cannot make decisions for yourself based on what he does. If you set a time frame it should have been a time frame that YOU were willing to wait, not a timeframe for him to leave, if you see the difference? It has to be about what you are willing to give. I did what was right for me, but if he hadn't I would not have changed the deadline because I would have been done. You need to decide what you can handle and stick with it. Sending you strength. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 thank you i'm afraid i came to the wrong place, it looked like a place to discuss the difficulties and problems of people in a relationship with a married partner... am i in a place that tries to eradicate "infidelity" and where the only right way is "out"? life, love relationships are not only black or white, i was expecting to hear ideas by people with experience on the many shades in between. while you may very well be right, you may be wrong. i have the feeling you're not sharing your experience or giving support, you're both just being opinionist. You will find many posters here still involved with a MM/MW, and you will find other posters here who have an xMM/xMW. You asked for our advice, that is what you're getting. Whether or not you take it is completely up to you. The WS posters here do not try and "eradicate" infidelity; rather, our opinions sound so harsh because we have been through this, suffered through it, and are usually able to call it like we see it. My advice to you was to have an ultimatum conversation or get out, because in reality, if you don't give him an ultimatum, you're just going to be running in circles and waiting the rest of your life for this man. That's not eradication, it's common sense. It's taking control of your life and your emotions. I understand you may love him, and that's fine; but if you choose to keep waiting and waiting and waiting, understand that you're going to end up heartbroken and it's going to get worse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 thank you i'm afraid i came to the wrong place, it looked like a place to discuss the difficulties and problems of people in a relationship with a married partner... am i in a place that tries to eradicate "infidelity" and where the only right way is "out"? life, love relationships are not only black or white, i was expecting to hear ideas by people with experience on the many shades in between. while you may very well be right, you may be wrong. i have the feeling you're not sharing your experience or giving support, you're both just being opinionist. You aren't in the wrong place,but you are going to get a lot of different opinions. I understand what you are saying. Everyone's story is different. For some it's just a typical affair and for others it's much deeper. You and him are in a relationship and you want advice on what to do. First off you should both be free and then you can have a future together. Until he commits to that it's not going to happen. If his kids are grown why is he dragging his feet? Is there more to his story? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I am neither on OW nor a BW. I responded the way I did because I cannot see any positives in the relationship you have. You are losing everything while he gets the best of both worlds. It does not sound like you are happy with this so why not find someone who is willing to be committed to you and only you? There are many OW who are happy in their situation and I would not advise them to leave then. You do not sound like one of them though. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 thank you for the quick reply - it just seems so absolute and harsh... no time frame? no give and take? not a chance? at least file by .... or end the realtionship? no talking? with such a strict attitude i'm afraid no relationship on earth of any kind would survive... it sounds like he is the one getting everything and i am getting nothing fron this relationship, which i don't feel is true... Hi Jacast. I can somewhat relate to your circumstances. I've been the OW to my MM for 4.5 years. Before that, I too was married for a long time and ended that relationship. My daughter from that relationship is all grown. However, my MM has small children at home. I also struggle with my MM's drawn out exit strategy. Finances are not at all a concern in this context, but rather his concern for his kids. Where your conditions for your AP focus on him moving out of the marital house and divorce, mine are just around our relationship being open. Like you, we vacation together, have been to many work functions together and have met a fair amount of each other's family and friends. However, we do so as friends only. We can only be truly open and ourselves when together alone. THIS is what kills me. The secrets, the sneaking, the lying. And the doubt and insecurity about romantic exclusivity that are inherent in these dishonest circumstances. In essence, if I were where you are--out in the open and largely accepted and sure I was the sole recipient of his romantic affection--I would largely be happy. I don't need him to move out of the family home if that is what he and his W feel is best to continue coparenting. I also don't need him to divorce until he's ready, if ever. (I'm not divorced despite being separated for many years and do not intend to ever remarry.) I just don't see these factors as being necessary for a committed relationship; thousands would, but I'm not one of them. I have a deadline around how long I am prepared to wait for us to be out in the open. MM knows this. I have moved that to the right by one year due to an overseas project he is now working on. And I feel incredibly conflicted about doing so. I won't compromise on this again because the cost is just too great. Neither MM nor I have any illusion about the emotional and mental cost this has had, and continues to have on me. And not to mention the effect on his W who is also in limbo as he takes his circuitous path to ending/changing their relationship. And it also hasn't been a pleasant walk in the park for MM either. Whilst I still have hideous bouts of insecurity, anger and misery (as does he) I also have a sort of sense of peace now too. Because we both know exactly how the other feels, have a definitive plan, and lines in the sand. I've sacrificed a lot for this relationship, and I now know where my limit is. This does not mean things will end well, but it does mean the A will end one way or another. And knowing that brings a sense of relief in and of itself. Like you, whilst I know and experience the immense downside of my A, I also acknowledge the great deal of joy being with MM has bought me. You're right, it isn't completely black and white. It is possible to absolutely know something is wrong, be eaten up by it and agonise over it, and chose to do it anyway because you believe it's worth it. I suggest you search inside for where the limit is for you; that point at which you know the cost will outweigh the benefit. And clearly define for youself what you actually want from MM and your relationship. Then you need to have a frank discussion with your MM about this so he clearly knows your expectations and feelings and effect of the current circumstances on you and why you cannot sustain it indefinitely. This is subtly different to making ultimatums; it is simply being honest with him about your needs as opposed to making demands of him. It is entirely up to him whether he chooses to meet them or not, and he will know the consequences should he choose not to. Good luck! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 thank you for the quick reply - it just seems so absolute and harsh... no time frame? no give and take? not a chance? at least file by .... or end the realtionship? no talking? with such a strict attitude i'm afraid no relationship on earth of any kind would survive... it sounds like he is the one getting everything and i am getting nothing fron this relationship, which i don't feel is true... Have you not set and broken virtually all of your time frames you have already tried implementing? From the sounds of your post you have given him ample of opportunity to make decisions base on a life with you. You have stepped up and made all the steps to be with him. He has not budged. He might have given you all the great excuses yet, he is still there. So this advice is not harsh, based on how you described your OM it sounds the most realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I am not a BW or an OW. Is your question how much time you should give him? I am not sure how anyone here can answer that question for YOU. Personally, I wouldn't give a man one day to put me first. Either I am his only or I am not. However, I do realize that some women do give men time to choose them. The more time they give the MM the less likely MM leaves. If 2 years is not enough time to get out of his marriage, how would 3 be enough? It doesn't matter if you give him 2 days, 2 months, 2 more years, 10 years, etc. Your MM is not going to change his circumstances until somebody makes him. 1. His wife divorces him or he becomes widowed. His wife is not going to divorce him so let's move on to #2. 2. You leave him. Go complete no contact. Then he has to decide if he wants you or her. Notice there is not a number 3 where MM makes a choice? That is because it is clear that MM has made his choice. He has chosen to stay married and have a relationship with you. I get that you want MM to choose you but he isn't going to. Why would he change that situation? What motivation does he have to change it? He has both of you. You have met MM friends and family. Have you met them in the girlfriend role? You said his children are ok with it. That is the #1 excuse MM use to not leave their wife. Your MM is using excuse that his wife refuses to divorce him. In your country, can he not legally get a divorce and leave his wife? How much time are you thinking about giving MM? Are you willing to stick to your new deadline? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I am an OW. My OM and I are both married. I have kids 16 and 19, he has none. We have been in a relationship for two years. I thought at one time, that we were so much in love, we would end up together. I was totally ready to leave my loveless, affectionless, but not horrible relationship to be with him. I never had a time table in my head, still don't. He is not a serial cheater, neither am I. This is a first for both of us. The A happened quickly and without much thought at all. We just clicked and from that point, the A just happened. Like I said, I was willing at a year out to leave my husband. I decided to stay in my marriage, mostly because my youngest started having difficulties with depression and was diagnosed Bipolar around the same time. I felt that he needed me and my husband around all the time to help him through this. I was right, as my son's situation went from bad to worse. I know it does not make sense to stay with MM if he never plans to leave his wife. It has been a slow realization that he might plan to stay with her. So, I need to decide for myself, am I willing to be OW? I do plan to have a conversation with MM before this Spring. That is when I have to make a decision about my job. We work for same company, but only see each other once a week there. I plan to ask him to tell me what he plans to do with our relationship. If he plans to stay in his marriage, I feel I need to end our relationship, I mean what is the point to it? If that is the case, I plan to ask to seek a different place of employment so I don't have to see him weekly. Once I commit to another year of work where I am, I cannot get out. It would be difficult to see him even once a week. I guess that kind of forces me to make a decision by this March. Regardless, I don't see my marriage lasting. I don't love my H and unlike my MM, I cannot stay in a relationship where I don't love my spouse. I stay now for my son. I don't know how long that might take him to get better, years most likely. For now, I think it is best for my H and I to stay in the house with him. Because I don't know how long my son will need my husband and me, I don't have or need a time frame for my MM to leave his wife. I don't know how long it will be before I will be available. I know if I ask MM, his intention for the relationship and ask for an honest answer, he will give it to me. I won't stay if he responds that he cannot leave his wife ever. I know I have put two good years into this relationship, but don't see spending more time, if there is no possibility of us ending up together. For many reasons, I have avoided that subject for a long time now, but feel like I need to make a decision by March due to needing to make another commitment to my job. Otherwise, I would probably put off making that decision some more. This probably doesn't help you much, except to say, I know its hard to be in a relationship when you don't know where it is going. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sleepingbeauty9 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I know how you feel. I am the married OW who was involved with a MM. My husband found out so we had to stop communicating and i know how hard and painful it is for me to let go. If you truly love this man set a timeline for yourself which works for you. Try not to put your life on hold for him which is quite hard anyway but still focus on work or whatever else you like doing and set your own timelines. This way you can find out what he truly wants and ultimately if he has the courage or not to be with you. Sometimes some people love but the pressures of society, social circle, family, etc do not allow them to do as they please even if they want to know, for them to break barriers is very hard. You just need to figure out how you want to go about this whole thing. Good luck 4 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 How long will you wait? How long are you able to stand by the sidelines? Setting up timelines and deadlines is your decision, you will walk away once you're ready. If he follows, that will be fantastic, but be prepared that he won't. Keep walking anyway, you have a life to look forward to, and he has his own. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacast Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 thanks so much to everyone for taking time to give me your opinions. calovely, poppy - no, i don't know if he's a serial cheater, if he'll cheat on me if i take the W's role and the OW role becomes vacant, might be, might not, no one knows before it happens, we find out only if we give such a relationship a chance. and no, he doesn't have the best of best worlds, he has a horrible world at home now and an uncertain world with me... awckward - yes, i met friends and family in "serious" girlfriend role. our children have met each other with us in the "couple" role. no, he hasn't decided he wants to stay married, his W has decided she wants to stay married. he says he has decided to move out and divorce... mal - i haven't broken any limits and deadlines: he met them! like i was set on leaving if he went on holidays with W again - he never did, went with me. if he kept doing social life with W - he stopped and took me along, or goes alone (we are long distance). but he never knew i had these limits. i did break the moving out deadline - he had mentioned he'd move out by the end of last year, i took it as my deadline too. he didn't and didn't do anything about it, but that was really him breaking his own plans. i guess there was enough he gave me that made up for it for me. but i get your point, if doesn't want to decide, he won't. goodbye - i get your point, very constructive advice. set my time limits for me, not for him. he has the right to not decide, not do anything, do it slowly, whatever. i have to decide what i can deal with. sol - i can feel with you, i totally understand when you say you'd be happy in my shoes, if everything were in the open, and i am very grateful for being in the open. i know how insecure the lies and sercrecy make you. you're so right, it's not ultimatums, but just honesty, with him and yourself, about how much and how long you're able to take. babs - you sound so mature and honest to yourself, that's the most difficult part for most of us, i guess, especially for all those who are in endless decisionless relationships which seem to go nowhere... one of my sons was very sick a few years ago, he had leukaemia, after the horrible 3-year treatment was finished and i started relaxing, although the fear never ends, i fell in love with my MM and then you know the story. i wouldn't have been honest with myself enough before though, these deep worries make us see ourselves better and make us braver... i think with the degree of openness and honesty our relationship has now and that we share, i'm willing and can wait one more year, and i told him. i mentioned that i used to have other limits and time frames, which he didn't know about, which he all met in one way or another. but i said i was informing him of this time frame, not to put him under pressure or as an ultimatum, because i realize that we are all different in how fast, brave, determined we are, and also in how honest we are with ourselves, and ultimately, if he doesn't really want to do it, he won't, and he shouldn't. and if he doesn't, it would be better for both of us to move on in life. it was just for him to know that i think i can invest 1 more year of patience. thanks and good luck to everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Here's what I believe, and many or most here do not agree with me: He does not decide if and when his marriage will be dissolved, SHE does. So you can put all of the time requirements on him you want, but he can't meet them. This is not between you and him, it's between you and her. She does not want to let go of her husband or her marriage so all you are doing is playing a waiting game with her to see who gives in first. It's like a staring contest with a cat, it can go on forever but YOU will probably be the first to blink or give up, because just like the cat has THREE eyelids, SHE has the marriage whereas all you have is a flimsy relationship built on stolen moments. The only reason he is with you publicly is because she lets him; she either ignores it or doesn't throw a fit now when she hears about it. The rest of the time he is with you is not time she requires of him; he steals it from somewhere else, in order to appease or placate her, or to keep her quiet. The time you spend looking for evidence that he is about to leave her, or he is about to decide to leave her, or the time, money, or other resources you spend doing whatever it is you are doing for him to entice him, are all futile. Live your life as fully as possible. Don't count on a man to complete you, or complete your life. Look within for strength and build strong alliances, especially with other women. Be open to new ways of thinking about relationships with men. Be open to the idea that there may not be ONE man for you. Dedicating my life to one man and one man alone has never gotten me anything satisfactory in the long-run, and honestly has only ever brought me misery. I can't say I have ever met any woman who has ever said anything to the contrary. Can you? Thank you for posting about your situation, etc, it has been immensely helpful to me. I believe there is no happily ever after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Don't see how HE has chosen anything except to stay married. He hasn't left, he hasn't filed for divorce. You live 200 miles away, you have no idea what is happening in his house. So again, he has made a choice, a choice to stay. So you will wait another year for what? If he loves you like you claim, he wouldn't need another year to move out. He would have done that already and now you have told him of your newest deadline. I will bet in a years time, nothing has changed and you will have extended your deadline. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 What is the point of leaving a loveless marriage just to immerse yourself in a relationship that leaves you insecure, jealous and with deep bouts of depression? I can understand wanting to end a marriage that is without affection but why leave one painful situation just to jump into an even more painful situation? Don't you want to be happy? I hope you have made peace with the fact that you may end up single and alone. Don't mean to make that sound like a horrible outcome as being completely free and single can be a wonderful experience but only when the fear of being alone is overcome. No matter how long it takes to divorce in your country your MM doesn't need to be divorced to move out. What is he waiting for? Also if it's going to take him 3yrs to get divorced shouldn't he be getting on that right away? You are long distance and therefore it makes it easy for him to dish excuses and sad stories to keep you believing and keep you hooked. I know that you likely believe that you know him better than anyone, and you share a deep connection and you are soul mates and all that jazz but until you get to be with him fulltime you won't really know him. I think you may have taken a rather below average man placed him on a pedestal he doesn't deserve to be on Why can't a man of his age afford to get his own place? Why does he chose to torment both you and his wife with this affair instead of taking action and setting everyone free of this horrible situation? I think he actually enjoys having 2 women fight for him. I'm sure he tells you every moment he spends at home with his wife is sheer misery, especially since she has been offering him more sex and affection to win him back. Yeah that sounds like pure hell..lol. But if being at home wasn't bringing him some pleasure and meeting some of his needs he would be gone like yesterday, even if it meant sleeping on a friends couch. We are strangers on the internet and you likely feel that we can't grasp the situation but even your friends who know you and who are closer to the situation tell you the same. You are free to waste another year waiting for this man to leave home if that's what you want to do but with each passing year it will get harder for you to admit defeat. You could end it now but tell the man you will be available once he has properly ended his marriage. That would allow him to end his marriage for the right reasons and it would allow you to focus on finding your independence and building your new single life. If he looks you up as a single man in year, great, but if not at least you won't still be stuck in this messy triangle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 jacast, I am a BS so there's my bias right upfront. Now having said that, I will tell you that I have seen far too many of my female friends/colleagues waste years of their lives waiting for their MM to leave their wives. IMO if a man is going to leave his wife for the OW he will do it within a month of meeting her. This happened to 3 of my friends. In two cases the husbands were serial cheaters, but the other one wasn't. Two other colleagues were MM's mistresses for 12 and 25 ( yes, 25 !!) years respectively. The first one came to her senses when her MM ( who was living in a sexless marriage apparently ) announced his wife was pregnant. The second one woke up in bed alone on her 50th birthday and decided she was done, dumped her MM and got herself a "toy-boy". When you've been hurt enough, disappointed enough, cried enough and aged enough, you'll see that this is going nowhere. By that time you might be drawing your Old Age Pension. So why not take charge of the situation and give him a timescale for action and stick to it? As long as you allow him to have his cake and can eat it, he will continue to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacast Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 (edited) a late follw up - because i had asked you for advice about a year ago. the pessimists gave many critical and skeptical opinions about my AP/MM never moving out from his home, never leaving the W (after 2 years and the affair pretty much in the open). and the realists gave me advice on choosing my own limits, setting a time frame for myself, and keeping it. i mentioned i would take the advice and set the end of last year as my limit. i communicated it clearly, and then i never brought up the subject anymore. i tried to enjoy the relationship and be a good, understanding, completely honest partner. but i was scared, and i had doubts. well he brought the topic up, often talked about it, planned, and did move out into his own apartment! on nov. 1st - and the move had already been delayed for a while because the owners couldn't leave - they hadn't finished building their new house on time. he has signed a 3-year lease. the W did make some attempt to sabotage the move, but i think it's off topic here. we enjoyed furnishing the apartment together, it's only been 3 months but the quality of our relationship has improved dramatically. we see each other more often, have to plan less - i have been driving over more often, even only overnight, now that where to stay isn't a problem any more, i have the feeling he feels good in his own place, even if it's tiny in comparison to his house. he is relaxed, proud, i think he feels he is a better person for having taken the decision, having stepped out of limbo. he hasn't taken any steps towards divorce but i think that that is fine. i can see many reasons for that, and that is not something that bothers me at all. i am sure my role as a mistress hasn't been replaced by a new AP yet, and i have not taken the BW's role. at least not yet. and our relationship is so good at the moment, i feel confident it not an issue at this point in time. i had met his children already, now i have met his sister and brother, and we liked each other. he lives in the next town now, where he has many friends and acquaintances (he's been in the firefighters there for years) and i am integrated in his social life when i'm there. so i guess, at least for the time being, a very happy development. might give hope and courage to other AP to be clear and determined, and to MM, if there are any here, to make their choices and be honest. thanks again! Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Jacast, I am very pleased it is working out for you. I was sceptical. I am a very wary person myself and trust does not come easily. I hope it continues and you end up in a great relationship. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts