Wuku Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 So, after a 6-7 week period of NC I had to contact my ex to tell her I was cancelling her phone contract. I know I should have done this 2 months ago, but it's a cheap plan and I saw it as an open line of communication should things change, as they did the last 2 times we split up. The problem is that I was beginning to accept the break up, at least in some part, and was thinking I was doing a bit better. But now I've opened the wounds again, and I want her back more than ever! We have text each other a few times today as it was a bad day for her, which I had forgotten about. I sent a question about it, and now I'm waiting for a text I don't think is coming. Dammit! There have been no bad words between us, even when we broke up, and we are polite and civil to each other which leads to it feeling like it used to, and me wondering if there is any hope! I know that's ridiculous, but I can't help how it's made me feel again. I know I'm still in love with her. And I'm feeling the anxiety of loosing her all over again. And I know I'll be hoping for reconciliation as well. She really is a unique woman, the perfect fit for me in every way. I know people say to focus on things you didn't like, but there really are none, unless I want to be really immature and petty. I will definitely not meet the full package again. Everyone suggests dating to help, but I don't want anyone else, and I find dating difficult as I have anxiety disorders and am quite shy. In fact I've only ever asked one girl out, my other girlfriends have asked me! Why is it me that finds it so difficult to get over break ups? It took me several years to truly get over my daughters mother, and it looks like it's going to be just as long this time. That would mean I won't feel like being with anyone other than her until I'm 50! I truly believe I will be on my own now for life, given my feelings for her and the level of anxiety towards intimate social situations. I know things will get better in time, but my disorders won't. I'm a walking advertisement for not breaking NC, and not carrying around false hope! Also, Note to self: Do not look at photos of my ex, it really hurts! Sorry for this post, just needed to rant. Not sure what I'm gonna do now... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dazedandconfused17 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Hi i'm sorry you feel this way..but if you dont mind me asking, why did you two break up? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Snip Note to self: *Do not look at photos of my ex, it really hurts! Sorry for this post, just needed to rant. Not sure what I'm gonna do now... *Delete the image files and burn any prints. They serve no useful purpose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wuku Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Hi i'm sorry you feel this way..but if you dont mind me asking, why did you two break up? We broke up because she couldn't move on or forgive me for things that happened several years ago, so mostly my fault. I'm sorry for the post, it was fuelled by self pity, panic, a bad day and alcohol, not a good mix, and not good for your head in the morning! At least I didn't send any begging messages! Link to post Share on other sites
Brady375 Posted February 18, 2016 Share Posted February 18, 2016 First stop drinking. It solves nothing and masks your emotions or can make them worse. The problems will still be there when you sober up. I'm seperated for 2 1/2 months at my choosing but I also have suffered a Terrivle breakup prior to this Which was a relationship that lasted 5yrs. You are 100% wrong if you think you won't meet anyone quite like this girl or a total package as you put it. You won't meet and keep a total package if you act insecure and have this mindset but you will if you realize that all relationships end its a matter or when, and there are Millions of Women right in your own home state to think that there isn't an equally compatible girl or better out there is Absurd. Your not being logical and rational because of your feelings. Despite how hard it may seem get out and envision the type of Man you want to be or things you simply need to improve upon. Maybe you wanted to join a gym or take up boxing or a new hobbies and excell at it. Maybe you always aspired to do something in life. You only live once stop feeling bad for yourself and get out there and do it. Have NC w the Ex, maybe this will spark her interest and when she comes looking you'll be living your life improving getting things together or you'll be sitting in self pity waiting for her and she'll turn right back around and leave. Maybe she won't come back looking at all. And in that case your Free to do what you want when you want. "It isn't until we loose everything that we are Free to do Anything." "Successful people don't make the right choices they make their choices Right." You'll be fine man either way. Get your mind out of the negative gutter or you'll never advance to the next level in life and to the next great relationship. It also may have taken you a long time to get over your last relationship but that's totally on you. Your allowing things to wallow around that long and mentally beating yourself up. Nothing says in a few Reasonable months you can't be balanced up and ready to move on. If you have trouble doing this alone get professional help from a therapist to better yourself. Best of luck. You'll be fine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wuku Posted February 18, 2016 Author Share Posted February 18, 2016 Thank you Brady375, that's the kind of kick in the Arse I need! I know you are mostly right, but my disorders do pose an extra problem. Anyway, that's for me to improve. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Brady375 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 No problem. And whether it's someone's disorders or Feelings at the time of a breakup they make it much harder to move on or improve. ESP the feelings, they want and tell you to do things and they make you think what you are doing will help your situation. Those feelings are dead wrong 99% of the time. If you have some disorders get into some professional help. And if you already are work harder at it. Having a disorder isn't an excuse it's the Reason you may have to Work Harder at a specific area than say maybe I do. But in the same token where Your Strengths as a person lie may be My Weaknesses. We all have our flaws. Attack them aggressively and improve. The next sweet thing is right around the corner waiting. You took a long time to get over your daughters mother and probably said "I'll never meet anyone like her again, my marriage and life is ruined" then fast forward you met this last girl and no longer thought that. Now that relationship has run its course and your saying that same toxic stuff all over again to yourself. Stop it! Didn't you learn the first time that this isn't True? There is no reason you can bounce back from this after givin yourself a couple months. It's all in your head. Your perception of things. All relationships End In life. All Of Them, for one reason or another at one time or another. Some last longer than others. Relationships w your parents hopefully last many decades. Relationships w a gf or wife sometimes just months or years. This is part of life. Enjoy the time you have and had w these people. When the relationship ends its Normal to grieve. But after know that there is 100% more great relationships and experiences out there waiting for you if your open to go out and look for them and accept the ups and downs. Good luck. It's break up. You'll be fine. She isn't perfect. No one is. You'll be meeting another great girl in Due time when your ready for it. If you want a Better girl go make yourself better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wuku Posted February 20, 2016 Author Share Posted February 20, 2016 I agree with most of what you say, and thank you for the advice, but I don't believe that all relationships have to end. I know a lot of people whose relationships have lasted 20,30,40 years and still going strong, and I would bet they will always be together until the end of their lives. Maybe I'm an old romantic, and maybe that's an unreasonable thing to want nowadays, but I would have married this girl and been happy for the rest of my life I believe, and I have never wanted to be married before. What happened to real love and long term relationships where people got through anything? Or is that just romantic BS? Do people give up to easily these days? I guess I just hoped this relationship was going to go the distance. I do get help with my mental health, and am on medication for it, but it has been and always will be there. It makes things that are easy to most more difficult, but I agree it's not an excuse. I am not good socially, never have been. Between my daughters mother and my ex was 13 years, with only 1 short term girlfriend and some one night stands during that time. So maybe you can see why, at 47, I'm not going to bet on myself getting another relationship. Sure, I know there are plenty of women out there, and I'm sure I could date some of them, especially if I didn't worry about them being my type or not. But if they are not my type, then I'm probably not going to want a relationship, so have just wasted their time, as shallow as that may sound. But to have that deep connection, to see a complete package in someone and want to spend the rest of my life with them, is going to be hard to come by. Link to post Share on other sites
Brady375 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 When I said no relationship lasts forever you misunderstood. They all Do end at one point or Another. And ending by one partner passing away is how it could end. Someone's relationships Do last until one partner dies. I'm not cynical or denying that. My point was that they all End at one time or another and a big Part of life is Enjoying all of these relationships in your life. Some will last longer than others and some will be more special to you than others. But even at 47 brother you have a lot of life left to live. You may not be betting on yourself but that's part of the problem. I say screw that mentality because I know for a fact there at 50yr old men Who just divorced their first wives and Are betting on themselves. They will meet someone great because they have the right mindset. It isn't easy, and meeting a total packing doesn't happen everyday. But it 100% could happen again, and that would be another great relationship to enjoy. Best of luck to u man. You'll be fine and you'll get through this. I have lost a total package before, was tough. But I'm fine now and looking back I appreciate the years I did have w her. But now it's time for me to move on to Other Experiences and maybe relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wuku Posted February 20, 2016 Author Share Posted February 20, 2016 I see what you mean, but then everything in life ends when we die, but we are not around to worry about it! I was thinking more of that special someone who stays with you throughout life, something that seems increasingly rare these days. I thank you again for your uplifting and honest posts. I know I will get through this eventually. I just hope my future isn't as bland as I predict. Link to post Share on other sites
Brady375 Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 No way man. Great things are coming your way. I can feel it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wuku Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 I'm sure I'll be ok, I just wish I could stop thinking about her though, it's 24/7 at the moment, from the minute I wake up until the minute I fall asleep, and even while dreaming. I wish all the songs that remind me of her wouldn't keep running through my head. I wish I could watch some of the tv shows we liked, but even that is to difficult. I guess time will erode those feelings... Link to post Share on other sites
Brando Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 I'm sure I'll be ok, I just wish I could stop thinking about her though, it's 24/7 at the moment, from the minute I wake up until the minute I fall asleep, and even while dreaming. I wish all the songs that remind me of her wouldn't keep running through my head. I wish I could watch some of the tv shows we liked, but even that is to difficult. I guess time will erode those feelings... I'm sure most people on here can relate. I had a vivid dream last night of my ex. I woke up and was like "d*** it" haha. Then tonight I had to go to an annual event that we would always attend with other couples. I had to go solo. It made me think of her the whole time and I had a pretty miserable evening. It was just a minor setback though, due to the dream and the event. Back to healing and progress. We will all move on and find someone new and you will too!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wuku Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 Thanks Brando, yeah I know how you must of felt, it sucks. I really need to focus on healing and try to get out of this rut I've found myself in. One things for certain, she is not thinking of me, and I am using up so much energy on something I can do nothing about. Time to move on... Link to post Share on other sites
Brady375 Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 My last relationship I went through all of this stuff. It's tough think about them 24-7. But it will 100% pass Link to post Share on other sites
Raina314 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Believe me, I completely understand how frustrating is to not be able to take your mind off someone for two seconds. It's the worst, especially when you legitimately cannot find flaws with them. Then when you try to do good and improve yourself but don't get the "reward" of their attention which is what you really want, you feel extra crappy. The worst part is that even the emotion of happiness reminds me of my ex so whenever I get happy for a little I get sad again . "10 steps backwards" is the perfect way to describe it. It's hard to see the positive even where it does exist, but if I ever find anything other than time that helps, I'll be sure to tell everyone I know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wuku Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 The first part is accepting that it's over. I'm beginning to accept that, but still find it difficult to believe. Also, while my false hope is fading, I still carry a little bit around with me, and I think that needs to go to really start healing. Then you need to keep busy, something I'm not at the moment, and it isn't good to have to much free time for thinking. Being good to yourself, maybe treating yourself occasionally and doing things you can enjoy can help raise your spirits a bit too. But mostly it takes time, and that's the worst bit because you don't know how much time and how long you are going to feel like this. I really want it to be gone now, but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. Unfortunately you have no choice but to go through the pain and time, there's just no other way, and that really sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wuku Posted February 26, 2016 Author Share Posted February 26, 2016 So, I text her the details of the contract cancellation, and with it a couple of things I needed to say. I'm glad I got them off my chest, and I feel better that I have. In the big scheme of things it makes little difference, but has allowed me some closure. Now it's time for NC. I would reply to her if she text me, but I won't be instigating anymore. Time to try and put things behind me... Link to post Share on other sites
Raina314 Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 Good for you Sometimes closure does help, and I'm glad it made you feel a little better. Best wishes for the rest of the recovery process. Also, while my false hope is fading, I still carry a little bit around with me, and I think that needs to go to really start healing. I struggle with this in a weird way too. Every time I get a couple good days where I get my confidence up, that same confidence boost makes me think "hey, I'm a fairly good catch, maybe he will come back!" And then I slowly realize he won't, and fall back to the bottom. Link to post Share on other sites
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