Scared and recently diagnosed bipolar

[Imjustamessidk]

I guess ill start off with the fact that i was raised in a toxic home (father alcoholic, mother abusive) and at the age if 16 my younger brother passed away (he was 13). Growing up i never had a lot of friends and my brother was my only friend really. So it was very hard for me. Most of my life ive been very up and down with emotions (ex: one week feeling like im on top of the world, next week feeling like i want to just end my life) during these periods (i didnt know at the time) i was also having "manic episodes" where i would just get set off by the dumbest things and just literally see red. I didnt care who was there or where i was , i got physical and verbally abusive towards anyone. And alot of times i wont even remember what i said or did, i was that mad. (Blacking out if you will).

Ive been just recently put on topamax as mood stabilizers, kolonpin for anxiety, and zoloft as an anti depressant. The meds seem to be taking well for the most part but i still have days where i feel lost and all over the place.

Back in the summer of 15' i started dating my first real boyfriend (i bein 18 he being 21) and everhthing was great until about 3 months in when the abuse started. My childhood came rushing back to me around this time. I felt like for along time i deserved the abuse i gotfrom my mother and at the time i felt like maybe i deserved the abuse he was giving me also. I became so dependent on him..he controlled everything in my life what i did who i talked to where i went and i guess in a way i almost liked it because in a way he was controlling my life--something i felt like i could never do myself. But it became unbearable and after 8 months i ended things. And well here i am now. Alone, scared, confused, hurt...i feel like i want to go running back to him but i know i cannot. I dont have very much friends to fall back on and my family is well....toxic still. How can i cope with my bipolar disorder better? How can i keep myself from going back to the one guy(and human) ive ever trusted who repeatedly hurt me? How can i get over my brothers death?

 

of course i don't expect to have a forum fix everything (and dont worry i am seeing a psychiatrist weekly) but any advice helps...please. And maybe if you're going through similar experience we could chat.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Tayla]

garner education . On your ailment and how to monitor it.

They ( your doctors) should not be medicating with all these. Usually low dose to build tolerance and then introduce (if need be) the other meds.

Dietary and other treatments should have been discussed before tossing meds in your system.

Bi polar is different then trauma, ask your psyche doc to re consider ... I am not sure that you are getting proper monitoring if you are having this moments of disconnect.

[Sunberry]

I remember when I was diagnosed (I have to be re-evaulated). I was confused and misunderstood by people close to me. The first thing you have to realize is that you are not your diagnosis. You can still live a healthy lifestyle even with your diagnosis through counseling, medication, and of course time.

 

You have to know it's okay to feel whatever your feeling. Research your diagnosis and try to understand and come to terms with it. It doesn't have to be a curse. Writing down your feelings and your thoughts help (get a journal). Explore and dig deep within yourself to understand your likes, dislikes, what you want and don't want, etc. Another thing is to try and take all of your unwanted energy elsewhere. I keep myself extremely busy in order to not to think so much and it helps me. Don't stay in your head for too long.When you feel overwhelmed change your pace and actions--go outside, randomly dance, etc.

 

In the end, just know everything will be okay--I promise. You deserve a good life just like anyone else.

[Imjustamessidk]

garner education . On your ailment and how to monitor it.

They ( your doctors) should not be medicating with all these. Usually low dose to build tolerance and then introduce (if need be) the other meds.

Dietary and other treatments should have been discussed before tossing meds in your system.

Bi polar is different then trauma, ask your psyche doc to re consider ... I am not sure that you are getting proper monitoring if you are having this moments of disconnect.

The only thing i am recently takingg that is new is the topamax. I should have described that better my apologies. I was put on zoloft when i was 16 after a bunch of trial and error meds like prozac, lexapro and paxil. Zoloft seemed to work best with the depression but the panic attacks were still awful so i was then put on klonopin wich helps quite a bit. The topamax is fairly new(a couple months ago) and recentlyit wasnt that i have "anxiety and depression disorder" its: "okay we think you may be bipolar that seems to fit better". And seems to help the anger very much.

I've been through all of the "doctor talks" (diet, ways to cope, ect) i cant tell you how many times. They help to an extent.

[newmoon]

my brother and his child both have severe mental issues and he managed to get married last year the family was stunned b/c he suffers from a whole host of mental issues... but he's proof to us that many 'normal' people can still struggle and yet people w/mental issues and on meds and etc. can get along just fine. the secret is to stay on your meds until they find what works for you, to keep up with all psychiatrist visits, and to make sure you find some support network or people who can at least help you along - they don't have to be people with the same diagnosis, but just people who can support you. my brother found that volunteering and church provided some friends, activities and support. it will never go away, but it can be managed with medication and an understanding of what you have. it's super important to also identify the triggers that bring it on for you so that you can avoid those.

[Buddhist]

And well here i am now. Alone, scared, confused, hurt...i feel like i want to go running back to him but i know i cannot. I dont have very much friends to fall back on and my family is well....toxic still. How can i cope with my bipolar disorder better? How can i keep myself from going back to the one guy(and human) ive ever trusted who repeatedly hurt me? How can i get over my brothers death?

 

of course i don't expect to have a forum fix everything (and dont worry i am seeing a psychiatrist weekly) but any advice helps...please. And maybe if you're going through similar experience we could chat.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

I was raised by a narcissistic mother with some rather wonderful behaviours. Your 'disorder' is mostly like the effects of systematic abuse for decades. How wonderful for the medical establishment to label you defective because you had rotten parents, and load you up with drugs to normalise you.

 

How can you cope better? - Well stay on the drugs for the time being because they are probably a sanity saver at this point. Then go and check out a forum for victims of narcissistic abuse (Out Of The Fog) and see your own life unfolding in the stories of hundreds of other people who experience these labile emotions too. That in itself goes a long way towards removing self blame for the way you presently are.

 

You want to go back - because company and a familiar dynamic is strangely more comfortable for you than solitude and not knowing what to do with it. That's completely normal for someone with your background. It doesn't make you cuckoo, it makes you acting normally for a traumatised person. Why do you think so many war vets commit suicide? Once they are discharged the structure of their lives disappear and they have nowhere to go or turn to when the emotions and trauma surface.

 

Your brothers death - allow yourself to grieve. You were probably not permitted to do this at the time. If I'm reading your situation correctly you were probably expected to perfectly caretake two parents who were wallowing in their grief and being punished for having your own. How dare you grieve the loss of a sibling when your parents are grieving the loss of their son! Can't you see their pain is so much worse than yours? Ingrate! Sound familiar.

[loveweary11]

No one could have better advice than Buddhist just gave..

 

Perfect

[carhill]

Great that you have a MD who's a brain doctor monitoring your cocktail.

 

My short list:

 

1. If not already done, have the MD refer you to a clinical psychologist who specializes in abuse, particularly child abuse, and resultant personality disorders.

 

2. Find a support group.

 

3. Journal. This can help both yourself and the docs.

 

4. Pick one success each day and focus on it. It can be something simple but meaningful to you.

 

5. You're not alone. Yeah, I get it feels alone. A support group can help with that. You may need to develop a new and different set of friends.

 

6. You always have choices. Hopefully, you have a long life ahead of you to make many.

 

7. It's healthy to feel fear. Don't fight it. Accept it and work through it.

 

Good luck!

[HarmonyInDisonance]

The good news here is that you are young. If you start managing this now you can still save yourself a lot of heartache. Your past is certainly having an effect on you. Medications help, but dealing with your trauma is going to be equally if not more important. There are a few options for this.

 

Memory regression therapy is the first that comes to mind. Look into behavioral therapies and try to come to terms with what has happened. I won't get into it here, but I can definitely understand what repeated abuse will do to a person. I'll tell you what I tell a lot of people.

 

Do Not. Become. Me. Your still you it sounds like. You seem to have a good heart and compassion still. If you take steps now to mourn your loss and process the abuse now you can avoid either breaking apart, or shattering into a jagged weapon.

 

It always goes one way or another if one fails to address this issue of abuse directly. You will either fall apart one day and never repair yourself again, or you will fight back and make an enemy of the world.

 

An important note

 

As others have previously stated your diagnosis could be errant. Honestly to me you seem more to fit ptsd and maybe (but god lets hope not) you are suffering from BPD as a result of repeated abuse and issues of abandonment. Your swings seem to be too fast and occur to often to be Bi polar disorder, but you haven't mentioned any of the splitting BPDers usually display.

 

An even more important note

 

Do not rush into any diagnosis. You mostly seem to fit ptsd, but if the drugs are helping you to a degree there is likely some form of imbalance in your brain chemistry. Long story short, there is an industry based off this and it, like any other business, has become increasingly concerned with profit. Throw the interest of the pharmaceutical industry and you've muddied the waters of intent quite thoroughly.

 

I get the immediate impression that your case is going to be about 30% drugs and about 70% ass busting, hard, ugly work, but its worth it.

 

Feel free to update us with more info. I am by no means a professional, but I know crazy and honey, you don't seem to fit the bill... yet.

 

I would also look into setting proper boundaries and avoid going back to your ex or, if possible, family. I honestly can't cover much in one post, just get back with an update and perhaps I be of more assistance.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I just realized I did not touch on your brother's death. I am afraid in this particular arena I have little to offer. I feel for you though, and I truly mean that. I can only say I am deeply sorry that you lost him.

 

Fight. Fall. Rise.

 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[William]

Hoping that the member will return after a long absence, I'll leave this thread open to comment. Thanks for your contributions!