ignorance is bliss... for a moment or two

[kat2008]

Hi

 

My partner of 10 years has just broken up with me. I feel so sick, physically sick. We live abroad, waiting to get residency and after many months of suspicion I found out earlier this evening that he has been having an affair. Younger woman of course. We have had some issues last couple of years and have not been able to talk about them (he was totally unwilling). I have been to counselling, I begged him to come to couples counselling too, but he wouldn't.

 

He said he doesn't know what he wants with one breath, and the next that his new woman is what he has been waiting for. I suspect it is a little of mid life crisis, and i can't compete. I have asked him to leave the house (our situation here means I can't work, and I have no money. I can't go back to England either as I have no where to go, my family and friends have their own problems, and I don't have a job to go to). I definitely can't remain here in the house if he stays - I can't tell you how difficult it has been for almost a year living on my nerves, worried to say the wrong thing, knowing there is something not right about us as a couple. He is willing to leave the house and pay the bills (after all it's the better option than me clearing the bank accounts and going back home).

 

By the way I found out when I checked his phone - he never leaves it unlocked, but this evening he had, and I happened to be there when a message came thru, it lit up and there it was, lots of hearts and kisses at the end. Believe it or not, I left it for a few hours before I went back to it to read the rest - there were all sorts on there inc nude pics of her. He must have wanted me to see it so that he wouldn't have to tell me directly.

 

I don't know how I feel - other than upset and sick, I can't bear the thought of being on my own at my age, in a foreign country, but I know there are worse situations out there for people. Part of me wants to get a grip and chuck myself back into life, and the other part just wants to close down. This obviously isn't the first time i have been on receiving end - i just never thought it would happen to us. I suppose you never do.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't imagine how devastated you must be. As a fellow expat, I know how isolated and lost we can feel when times get tough.

 

First of all, I would start trying to look at the next step for you. He says he is willing to pay bills for now, but that likely won't continue for long. You say you can't work - I imagine this is an issue regarding work permits? Is there a language barrier? I would start investigating what you'd need to do logistically to regain some of your independence. When will you qualify for residency in your current country?

 

Second, do you have any friends in the area you could stay with temporarily? I think remaining in your shared place will be very difficult. Even a few days out of the week would help give you a mental break.

 

Break-ups are so much harder when you're far away from friends and family. I went through a difficult one myself a couple years ago and it was very hard. I think the best thing would be to at least let a few loved one in on what's happened, so you have some measure of emotional support. That will help give you strength to take the next steps in sorting out where your life is now.

[DevastatedDiva]

Hi

 

My partner of 10 years has just broken up with me. I feel so sick, physically sick. We live abroad, waiting to get residency and after many months of suspicion I found out earlier this evening that he has been having an affair. Younger woman of course. We have had some issues last couple of years and have not been able to talk about them (he was totally unwilling). I have been to counselling, I begged him to come to couples counselling too, but he wouldn't.

 

He said he doesn't know what he wants with one breath, and the next that his new woman is what he has been waiting for. I suspect it is a little of mid life crisis, and i can't compete. I have asked him to leave the house (our situation here means I can't work, and I have no money. I can't go back to England either as I have no where to go, my family and friends have their own problems, and I don't have a job to go to). I definitely can't remain here in the house if he stays - I can't tell you how difficult it has been for almost a year living on my nerves, worried to say the wrong thing, knowing there is something not right about us as a couple. He is willing to leave the house and pay the bills (after all it's the better option than me clearing the bank accounts and going back home).

 

By the way I found out when I checked his phone - he never leaves it unlocked, but this evening he had, and I happened to be there when a message came thru, it lit up and there it was, lots of hearts and kisses at the end. Believe it or not, I left it for a few hours before I went back to it to read the rest - there were all sorts on there inc nude pics of her. He must have wanted me to see it so that he wouldn't have to tell me directly.

 

I don't know how I feel - other than upset and sick, I can't bear the thought of being on my own at my age, in a foreign country, but I know there are worse situations out there for people. Part of me wants to get a grip and chuck myself back into life, and the other part just wants to close down. This obviously isn't the first time i have been on receiving end - i just never thought it would happen to us. I suppose you never do.

 

Hi. I was thinking maybe we could support each other. I left my home in America to move to the UK for my British partner. We are married and I have a very specialist occupation which is on the list of shortage areas here so I have always been able to work without restriction. Getting a bank account here all those years ago was tricky due to the very strict UK regularly confines so everything we have is joint.

 

It's been very hard to fit in here. Most of my tiny group of friends are expats and they are increasingly moving back to America in far flung places. I've lost touch with everything in America so I have no place to go or go back to.

 

Things have been less than joyous for years. My partner has grown more and more distant and uninterested in me as rime has gone on. We haven't had sex in 10.5 years because my spouse "doesn't feel sexual anymore" and "want s to be celibate". I tried for 2 years to work on this, there are no physical issues. It's just the preference. I've sadly accepted it because my vows mean something to me. It's been a very sad life.

 

I've been in therapy for 2 years and we went to M/C for 4 months whereby it was agreed that we would continue the marriage because we love each other and are committed to the marriage. Within 2 weeks (just days ago) I was told that the marriage wouldn't be continuing.

 

My whole life is upside down. The thought of living in the same house together while whatever has to happen, happens is sick-making. This house is both of ours, it's worth about £1,000,000 with a small mortgage. We don't have any children. There is pretty much no debt but all our savings went into pensions so only a small amount in the way of liquid cash. The house has to be sold and I'm tied up I think until that happens.

 

There is also the problem that we have also married in America so we need to get divorced twice.

 

My insides a burning with grief. I'm so confused and knocked off my feet. I know how you feel.

 

How are you doing?

[kat2008]

Hi there, yes I would be very glad for us to support each other. At the moment all I want to do is put my head in the sand - there is plenty of room for two! Sorry, my mood is up and down, you never know where you are. I haven't slept for over 24 hours or eaten. I think I am still in shock, as you must be.

 

We too have had issues with intimacy for last 18 months. We think it may be partly due to his medication, but docs disagree. We haven't even hugged or held hands. Of course this does not explain how he has a girlfriend... I can't imagine how you have coped in your situation. I have been living in same house knowing for at least 5 months that he has been seeing someone else which he constantly denied, and it has taken its toll. I had a couple of counselling sessions and they helped but I was never referred on again, so have been struggling with the situation in my own way, treading on eggshells, pretending to be happy, all the usual. I am not a doormat by the way, I am a very independent person, but the thought of losing him has made me do strange things. We were offered couples counselling but he flatly refused.

 

Our residency is imminent so I hope to get a job then. The money situation with only one income has been tight, we have a mortgage, but no savings. We have found things to be more expensive here than UK. We have no children but we have pets. But they are treated as family. My sister mentioned I check out the legal side of things being as I have ousted him from the home, I know if we sell it gets split 50/50 even tho he has been paying mortgage as well as everything else. Just one more thing for me to feel guilty about.

 

I don't make friends easily and we live in a small rural community but I do try to attend events and do volunteer work but everyone already knows one another, and it is difficult coming from a different culture even if we speak the same language.

 

Just talking on here has helped me already. I have contacted family and my best friend in England and we are emailing back and forth. It's not the same as being 'home' but for now it has to do.

 

I hope you're feeling a little better now? If I can help, I will! Take care xxx

[K2z]

I am an expat too. In Asia. Here's my story.

 

I have spent most of the past 8-10 months in a state of devastation.

 

I am slowly, slowly turning a corner. It's still never easy.

 

Get help. Lean on family and friends, and talk to a counselor. Stick with this community, too.

[DevastatedDiva]

Hi there, yes I would be very glad for us to support each other. At the moment all I want to do is put my head in the sand - there is plenty of room for two! Sorry, my mood is up and down, you never know where you are. I haven't slept for over 24 hours or eaten. I think I am still in shock, as you must be.

 

We too have had issues with intimacy for last 18 months. We think it may be partly due to his medication, but docs disagree. We haven't even hugged or held hands. Of course this does not explain how he has a girlfriend... I can't imagine how you have coped in your situation. I have been living in same house knowing for at least 5 months that he has been seeing someone else which he constantly denied, and it has taken its toll. I had a couple of counselling sessions and they helped but I was never referred on again, so have been struggling with the situation in my own way, treading on eggshells, pretending to be happy, all the usual. I am not a doormat by the way, I am a very independent person, but the thought of losing him has made me do strange things. We were offered couples counselling but he flatly refused.

 

Our residency is imminent so I hope to get a job then. The money situation with only one income has been tight, we have a mortgage, but no savings. We have found things to be more expensive here than UK. We have no children but we have pets. But they are treated as family. My sister mentioned I check out the legal side of things being as I have ousted him from the home, I know if we sell it gets split 50/50 even tho he has been paying mortgage as well as everything else. Just one more thing for me to feel guilty about.

 

I don't make friends easily and we live in a small rural community but I do try to attend events and do volunteer work but everyone already knows one another, and it is difficult coming from a different culture even if we speak the same language.

 

Just talking on here has helped me already. I have contacted family and my best friend in England and we are emailing back and forth. It's not the same as being 'home' but for now it has to do.

 

I hope you're feeling a little better now? If I can help, I will! Take care xxx

 

Please don't feel guilty about getting half of the house. You left your home and made a huge sacrifice. It's not like you aren't working because you'd rather not, you can't!

 

I'm not sure what part of America is more expensive than the UK but I commiserate with the feeling. Everything to me is expensive here.

 

Like you we don't have kids dis but have pets. As I don't do the school run, I have not been really able to make friends.

 

Managed to go to work today and make it to the end of the day but I held back tears a few times. How are you?

[kat2008]

hi

 

am keeping very very busy! he has texted me a few times and I have not replied immediately and responded only after about 30 mins or so. I don't talk about me and have stopped talking bout the pets to him. I keep hoping he will say something relevant about us, but it's all about him. And like an idiot, I am giving him as much support as possible. However stupid, I still have hopes he will want to try again with me. Partly this is what is keeping me going, but I am also feeling quite resilient after the initial fallout, and am making little short term plans to help me. This forum has really helped. Keep reading other stories and you will get strength from them too.

 

The house bit - well I worked full time in England, am used to contributing, being independent, and have felt guilty since we have been here over not being able to do so. And I control the finances as if it was left to him, we would have less than nothing! I feel guilty even about this, as it's all his money. He occasionally complains about this and I give him the option to look after the finances himself but he always declines.

 

Working will help you too. I know it must be horrendous trying to keep everything in check whilst trying to do your job, but it will occupy your mind and help you gain a bit of positivity back in your life. That's important. You're important. And at least you can escape the house - its at least minus 10 here and I can't face opening the door!

[kat2008]

Hi

 

I posted last sunday after my partner broke up with me after 10 years. We are waiting for residency status in Canada, and I am not allowed to work so rely on him (not happily) to provide for me, pets, house. This is torture alone as I am very independent and used to working and paying my way.

 

We had probs, and he said he needed time to sort his head out - so I have given him last 18 months and he started an affair!

 

I know I shouldn't have waited so long to try and sort stuff out, so am beating myself up about this too, the issues are deep - I think he is suffering from depression and various other hang ups which have become apparent to me knowing his background - ie this is a pattern I think he repeats as he has never resolved issues from way back. He hates confrontation. He will not see his doctor or go to counselling.

 

We live together, although he is away all week and I haven't been contacting him unless he texts me and then I make myself wait and make my response short but not rude. He is due back Saturday and I don't know how I feel about this, we obviously need to talk more, but not sure whether he will be up for this. Am not sure I am strong enough yet either. we are not demonstrative people, but we know when the other is trying, if you know what I mean.

 

Anyway, sorry, point of this musing is - I check his emails (we never had a prob with trust prior, and he has asked me to check them for updates from immigration) so I just quickly did last night and find he has been looking at houses in UK to rent! Well it came as a little bit of a shock. The property he is looking at becomes available in March and guess what? he wants to go back to England sooner rather than later to go see his mates, his mom etc.

 

I can't work out whether I have been totally stupid for last 18 months, or whether this is a recent development?! Is it just him reaching out trying to sort things out in his head - but then why have the details sent to him re this particular house? in an area he loves by the way! I can rationalise all I want, but not knowing for sure is killing me. And even if I ask him direct, then he has lied before, he won't hesitate to lie again.

 

I guess my biggest worry is if he does a flit and leaves me here with a house I can't pay for etc. I don't THINK he will, but I obviously don't trust him to any great degree any more.

 

So, any thoughts gratefully received!

 

I have been reading all sorts of posts since joining this forum - I have got so much from them and they have really helped keep my chin up. Thank you!!

[mightycpa]

The treachery of a soon to be ex-lover knows no bounds. Assume the worst.

[PegNosePete]

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

 

Are you legally liable to pay the rent where you're living? Is it joint liability? Or is it his place?

 

What would you do if you can't stay there any more?

 

How would you support yourself if he simply vanished off the face of the earth?

 

It sounds like he's ready to bail.

[Toodaloo]

He is bailing and going home.

 

Like it or not its happening...

 

Prepare yourself.

[Itspointless]

I think he repeats as he has never resolved issues from way back. He hates confrontation. He will not see his doctor or go to counselling.

Such people should avoid other people or have a tattoo on their forehead saying: 'approach on you own risk'. We sometimes have people like him on the forum who get annoyed when people advice therapy. For me it has became a red flag.

 

Wish you all the best!!

[pidgeon1010]

I suggest you start making plans for the likelihood that he withdraws his financial support and bails. Don't sit there and wait for life to happen to you. You have to be proactive and figure out your next steps without him in the picture completely (i.e. no support). Start getting your ducks in a row. You think you know someone but people can be callous when a relationship ends.

[kat2008]

OMG!! Thank you all for your responses. I have been keeping busy trying not to think the worst and now you may have confirmed it for me...

 

There is absolutely no way I can stay in Canada without him - I came over on his work visa and we are so close to residency being agreed. Even if/when that is granted, I can't stay anyway without him, as this will only be first part of process and he is main person as he is working. (I am persona non grata here).

 

Its a joint mortgage, we have very little savings here and nothing in UK, what we do have would probably get us back to UK, but then I have nowhere to go although my best friend will put me and my pets up, short term if necessary. Although I will need a job when I get back to UK, he will be able to walk straight into one where he used to work.

 

Other than being aware of this I have no other strategy. Oh god, am in tears now sorry.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're in such an awful situation, OP. Living abroad is stressful enough (Canadian here! Live in Italy now) Does he understand the ramifications of his decision on your ability to remain in the country? You will need to have a discussion with him very soon about the logistics, ie. your house.

 

I would start making plans to return to the UK. It doesn't sound like he's even going to stay in Canada.

 

Take up your best friend's offer of a place to stay for a little while when you go back. I think you're going to need to emotional support too. Start thinking now about what type of work you can do to get yourself back on your feet again. I know this is so overwhelming, but you might just find that planning the next steps give you some much-needed distraction too.

[kat2008]

Thank you Expat. We have had some discussion as he came home yesterday evening.

 

He has made some headway in decision making about one thing (although now I think about it this decision had already been made?) - he wants to go back to UK Feb/March to reconnect with his home town and also to see his mom, who is suffering from effects of a stroke from a year ago. I fully understand this - even tho they are not close at all - so part of me is now wondering if this is a fantastic excuse for him to cut and run. I have no choice but to let him go back to UK. We discussed him leaving me in the lurch - he swears up and down he wouldn't do this to me, and I believed him. Until I saw a text from his old boss mentioning wages... Obviously I have to confront him again. He said he wouldn't need much cash to take with him, as he would stay with family/friends, in my mind I was wondering if he meant I could take whatever was in accounts here to get me through next few months cos he was going job hunting over there? Who knows.

 

I did let on that I too didn't know what I wanted - to stay here or go home. Biggest part of me wants to stay but there is a little doubt due to finances, job hunting, residency etc. I asked him if he wanted to put the house on the market but he said no. At the moment it feels like my prison. I did get very emotional with him and am now kicking myself for breaking down. I should have walked away when I felt the emotion building, but it was very late and I went into self destruct a little.

 

Re the other woman, well he is also still in contact with her, although he said they are only texting. Like we were only texting each other last week? I don't know. I kept my replies to an absolute minimum and didn't expand on anything. I said that I think he is using her as a distraction as he does not like confronting anything, ie our issues. He kinda agrees but then he isn't sure.

 

Both of us are somewhat reluctant to burn all our bridges with Canada - like I said our residency approval is coming up. His work permit runs out in November, so part of me hopes we don't get approved and the decision will be made for us. Lazy way out I know! But it looks like everything is in order, and we are just waiting for paperwork. To come so close and throw it away? I am not sure I can deal with that as well.

 

Tomorrow I am going to try and find out if there is anything lawful I can do if he abandons me here - we are treated as married as we have lived together so long. Knowing I have a fall back plan in England with my friend is an enormous help.

 

I don't know what else to do. I think my 'ducks in a line' are hiding underwater, and it's very murky down there. And sometimes it feels like they have already all been shot!!

 

apologies for long reply - but you know how it is when someone asks 'how are you' and you go into your lifestory! Thanks for listening

[kat2008]

Apologies for the long post.

 

I posted about my break-up with my partner of10 years in January, and again when I discovered he had been looking at houses in UK (we are currently living in Canada). He had been seeing someone else and I caught him out, he confessed, I wanted to throw him out but had to relent as at the time he was the only one able to work and pay the bills etc.

 

We have now received first part of our immigration status so I can find work and start supporting myself. This is such a huge relief. However we also have to wait for full approval which could take upto a year, and without him, the process can not go ahead. I want to stay here, but without him I won’t be able to.

 

I tried to have a tentative discussion with him last week about whether he had made any inroads into how he felt (nothing is clear cut, he doesn’t know whether he wants to stay here, or move back to UK, be with her, be with me). I really wanted just to know where I stood, i didn't get upset.

 

Of course I got nowhere and quickly backed off. He does not like confrontation and would rather walk away than talk about things. At least I have got him to start thinking about this pattern he seems to have with relationships when things start to go awry. He likes to walk away from things, and has now admitted that he is no longer happy doing this.

 

He comes home at weekends (works away all week), and we have been sharing the bed, but like a couple of strangers. He does have medical issues and I think this is causing some of the problems between us over last 18 months. Things came to ahead last June, but he wouldn’t talk to me about it, and he refuses to see a counsellor.

 

In a couple of weeks he is going back to UK to visit his mom and friends. I know he is homesick and this trip is costing us dearly, but I am looking forward to the respite!

 

I suppose my question is he texts me a lot – just jokes, work stuff, nothing about us personally. I never text him first, I rarely respond straight away and leave it hours sometimes if I bother at all. When he is at home, we usually get on to life before us –childhood, previous work, places etc. I let him talk and talk with just a few comments from me. It’s like we’re getting to know one another again right from the beginning. He brings me little gifts, usually chocs - guilt or the olive branch? I don’t know whether this is usual in this situation, or whether I am being played for asucker, or whether he is genuinely trying. Cake and eat it springs to mind too.

 

When he is home, he leaves his phone unlocked so if I so choose I can check it (and of course I did) but strangely nothing from her – which just makes me more suspicious that he deleted all his conversations with her and told her not to contact him when he is home.

 

He has suggested we go out to lunch at weekend (this is something we have done twice already and we have chatted generally, had a laugh etc. Again, nothing personal was said).

 

I don’t know whether he is still seeing her. I keep busy all day, I exercise, I am losing weight (healthily!), I plan on getting my hair restyled (a massive step for me, I hate hairdressers!), I am actively looking for work, I do everything I can not to brood on the situation, but when I go to bed, I can’t sleep. I toss and turn and think about whether he is with her.

 

I read the 180 rules on this forum and for the most part I am sticking to them. They are really helping me sort my head out and giving me some confidence back. However I am also confused, as I don’t know what I want now. It’s only been 3 weeks. I have been thru break-ups before (dumper and dumped), but this one is totally new. I guess I just didn't see this one coming.

 

Any help gratefully received! thank you.

Edited February 5, 2016 by kat2008

[kat2008]

I thought I was doing pretty well until yesterday - I found out further messages from O/W dated April 2014. They were on his IPOD. He has an email account on there too and I hate saying this, but I have tried to access it. I was doing really well ignoring his phone, but due to the messages on IPOD I had to look. He is completely clearing all logs and deleting messages, and now has her listed under a another man's name - someone he has never mentioned before so I know it's her. Now I am really ANGRY and really upset and I don't know what to do. Or what to think. I feel like my world has caved in again. He still hasn't made his mind up what he wants. He flies to UK next week and I am so looking forward to the break.

 

I can't approach him about anything, we are acting like nothing has happened (almost) and I agreed to give him time to sort himself out. But it's the LIES that I can't cope with. I can accept the situation, but not him lying, which is another reason I haven't approached him about his thoughts on our situation lately. I feel like ***T.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm afraid most of this was predictable when you discovered he's been having an A for the last 18 month. This is what cheating partners do, and unfortunately very little of it accounts for your interests or well-being.

 

IIRC from your other thread, he's leaving for a couple of months? So plenty of time for you to sort through the legal aspects of your residency and living situation. Honestly, to be able to do so without the daily barrage of lies, blameshifting and BS most cheaters dispense is a bit of a gift. Use it wisely...

 

Mr. Lucky

[William]

Moderation merged four threads on a similar topic into this discussion and there may be some overlap or duplication of content. Please continue the discussion of this topic in this thread. Thanks!

[testmeasure]

This sounds pretty horrible.

 

There is something unusual about your posts. In many of them you say what you're doing, and often what you're already doing is what people here would probably tell you to do. You're leaving people without anything to say. But that's a great thing.

 

Your response to the texting is great.

 

I haven't read the 180 or been in a situation that called for it. That you found it evaluated it and decided about whether or not and how to apply it to your situation is great.

 

Your reactions to everything seem healthy.

 

Try not to beat yourself up over the time where he "needed space" but you really could not have known that an affair was going on. Before you found that phone and found out, you didn't know. There's nothing you can blame yourself for if you didn't know.

 

After you found that phone, everything you've done seems pretty healthy.

 

A delay in responding to texts and a brief response sounds good.

 

The time you broke down to him emotionally was understandable, your regret was understandable, your attitude toward it seemed correct. Which, once again probably leaves people with not much to recommend or comment on.

 

Focusing on yourself, exercising, and taking care of yourself are things I've seen people repeatedly recommend here.

 

It's like you're writing the post and the response. I'm sorry the situation is as bad as it is. But it's great that you are figuring it out and already doing the things people here would normally respond and advise to do.

 

Seeing if you could get some consultations with attorneys to try and find out if there are any "gotchas" would be a good idea. There might be something with the house that could work in your favor if he abandons you and it and flees the country. That would be a good question for an attorney. The joint bank accounts would make me nervous, with him lying to you and all the things you've uncovered that he's not telling you about. But, I don't know what to tell you to do about it. That would be a good question for an attorney. Another thing would be whether there is some exception the immigration or residency stuff if he abandons you and flees the country. Maybe these questions lead nowhere and after talking to an attorney, there isn't much you can do but wait it out and see how it unfolds. But then you're doing so knowing that's the right choice. Because if there's something an attorney can tell you to do about the hose, the bank accounts or the residency, then you need to know so you can do it.

 

Even if there is nothing an attorney can tell you to do yet, that puts you in contact with one so if something does develop, you know who to go to. Getting consults with more than one so you can choose one and have one already selected just in case or for when the time comes also makes sense.

 

I think you said you're in a remote location. If so, it could be there's only a couple family law attorneys in your area. If so, getting first choice of which one of them represents you is also a good thing. Doing consults and getting first choice might even force him to go with someone outside the area who is less familiar with the local court and judges. That would also work in your favor.

 

 

.

[kat2008]

Sorry!! I need to rant!!

 

 

I have posted previously re my break-up with partner of 10 years. He is still in touch with o/w (she sends him texts declaring her undying love for him) whilst i am too scared to say anything about the way I feel about him. I don't want to crowd him and appear clingy. I KNOW he has a lot to think about, and I am willing to give him time, but I also really want to have a go at fixing us. I genuinely believe we do stand a chance, but obviously not with her in the background.

 

 

He has told us both that he doesn't know what he wants - her, me, or even if he wants to stay in Canada or go back to UK permanently.

 

 

Things are complicated by the fact that he has been the breadwinner for last 4 years and I have only just been able to obtain work permit, (sadly no job yet). We have no choice but to continue living together.

 

 

I had been doing really well coping in general, but the last several days he has been friendlier and we have talked and joked like we used to. I thought this meant things were improving between us so I let my guard down a little, not wanting to be aloof (I know totally dumb as he is the one philandering). I had asked if he was still seeing her, and he said he hadn't seen her for a while. Then yesterday I checked his phone (don't know why, and I am SO p*ssed off with myself for doing it) to find her lovey dovey message.

 

 

Then of course I had to confront him with it. I was really hurt that he was spending time with me, laughing and joking and still in touch with her. Again, SO p*ssed off with myself. He just reiterates he doesn't know what he wants. Big part of me would like to make decision for him and leave myself, but it's impossible in current circumstances, and I do have a tendency to cut off nose to spite face!!

 

 

I have just come home from the airport, I stayed with him for a while cos I just wanted to be with him. But when it came time for me to leave, I broke down and cried. STUPID ME!!! We hugged, we kissed, I tried to make a joke of the idiot I am for behaving that way, and I left. I cried most of the hour and a half drive home.

 

 

I would just like to know where I stand with him. He has 2 weeks away from everything here to start thinking seriously about what he wants. I don't know what else I can do - I give him space, I don't contact him unless he contacts me first, I run the house, I look after the pets, I try really hard not to hassle him about things in general or about us. I just get on with it.

 

 

Why doesn't it feel like its enough? Am I simply deluded?!

 

 

Thank you for listening!! It really helps reading other peoples posts on here.

[mightycpa]

If he's the breadwinner, and he's got this other girl, and he might move back to the UK, then it sounds like you're the one with no choice but to live with him. It sounds like he's got plenty of choices.

 

I hate to point out the obvious, but one of those choices includes asking you to go. He might just be thinking about how to do that while he's away. You said it yourself - he has some time to think about what he really wants.

 

If I were you, I'd get prepared right away. You are on tenuous ground, and you're not completely in touch with your reality. If you can, move out while he's gone. You can stop by to take care of the pets until he comes back.

[Satu]

Snip

 

 

He has told us both that he doesn't know what he wants - her, me, or even if he wants to stay in Canada or go back to UK permanently.

 

 

If he can't decide which of you he wants to be with, he doesn't deserve either of you.

 

He shouldn't be in Canada or the UK.

 

He should get a single to Botswana, and burn his passport on arrival.

[blindsided88]

Honestly, I'm in a similar situation and I don't know about you but I wouldn't even waste anymore time and energy on him. It's been 3 months since we broke up only for me to find out last month that he was actually talking to some girl while we were still together. And despite me giving him the ultimatum to choose and him saying he wants to make things work it was all bull. I found out he never ended up talking to the girl about us trying to make things work...bought her a bouquet of roses for valentines day and I didn't get ****...and they're currently on a mini 2 night getaway while 2 days ago he was telling me I was his girlfriend and wanted to be with me. We were dating for 10 years as well and I'm not going to waste any more of my time and energy on a guy that doesn't value me or what we built. Don't be fooled like I was. I believed him too. Its just a never ending battle and I'm glad its finally over. Its sad but I'm glad I can free myself from the doubt and the madness. I know its easier said then done and to be honest, I probably would have been thinking like you a few days ago until i found out all the other stuff. It was my hard limit and I regret wasting myself away contemplating if we still had a fighting chance.