ignorance is bliss... for a moment or two

[kat2008]

Thank you again Zahara. I just had a massive panic attack and everything hit me again. Feeling sorry for myself and thinking he will realise he has made a mistake and change his mind. Useless talk, it's not even a comfort thinking like that anymore!

 

The let's be friends thing - of course it's not going to work. I did try and tell him how I felt about that, what it meant to be a friend and that he most certainly had not behaved like one. He just doesn't get it. He has dealt with his feelings, and is ready to move on, so why aren't I?

 

He says all the usual crap you do when you end it with someone (not you it's me, I just don't feel the same way as I did, I still like you, I still want to be friends). I am the one that encouraged him to start addressing his feelings and confronting things because of the way he had become a long time before we broke up, and now I feel like I am continuing to be his free therapist whilst he talks about HIS FUTURE. He doesn't even talk about the pets - it is assumed that I will be continuing to look after them.

 

I am trying really hard to pull myself back, and am trying really hard not to comment on anything that concerns him solely, but old habits... and I don't even realise I am doing it some of the time until I have finished with my words of wisdom to him!! It's like I am enchanted - he asks I answer. It is something I need to work on. Hopefully if the job works out (trial run this afternoon!) I will have something positive to focus on. Plus there are some Saturdays I would have to work as well, so that will cut down on face time with him.

 

Today I have got up written in my notebook and am getting ready to go out. It's so much easier when he is not around. I am going to start packing stuff up that reminds me of him this week, and I am applying for another job too. I know I have to keep busy and positive and I don't really dwell on us or our past (I have had many months to think about our situation being as things have been so bad between us, so I think I have already done some of my grieving over him). It's when I see him I feel this terrible ache. I remember what he has done to me, but my heart still rules my head. I think it's because he is so familiar - I want to be secure in a relationship again like he is. God forbid, I think I am jealous of him!

 

The anger is not coming to me either - I had lots of therapy over anger issues in the past, and I really miss that emotion. If it comes it is fleeting and is gone again. I guess they reconditioned me! I feel like I have gone through the whole 5 stages of grief in the past 2 weeks and as I sit here typing this I am resolved to only go forward. We shall see how long that lasts

[Zahara]

Thank you again Zahara. I just had a massive panic attack and everything hit me again. Feeling sorry for myself and thinking he will realise he has made a mistake and change his mind. Useless talk, it's not even a comfort thinking like that anymore!

 

You're welcome. I have much sympathy for you because you're really in a tough situation.

 

Unfortunately, the hope is going to be there. It's going to take time and separation for you to truly give up on those thoughts but right now it's going to be difficult as you are in close proximity.

 

The let's be friends thing - of course it's not going to work. I did try and tell him how I felt about that, what it meant to be a friend and that he most certainly had not behaved like one. He just doesn't get it. He has dealt with his feelings, and is ready to move on, so why aren't I?

 

Of course. It will never work as long as one is emotionally affected and involved. You can't move on because you still love him. His affections are focused on someone else, that is why it is easy for him. The other thing is that people often throw the "friends" out just to be polite. It doesn't really mean they truly want to establish a true friendship.

 

I am the one that encouraged him to start addressing his feelings and confronting things because of the way he had become a long time before we broke up, and now I feel like I am continuing to be his free therapist whilst he talks about HIS FUTURE. He doesn't even talk about the pets - it is assumed that I will be continuing to look after them.

 

Why are you listening to his garbage? YOU set boundaries for yourself. You don't have to listen. He treats you like the caretaker for all his needs because he knows you depend on him so he can do whatever he likes and you'll always be there. This is why it is so important for you to find a way to get out. Even if it means finding a room somewhere for cheap so that you can put an end to this.

 

I am trying really hard to pull myself back, and am trying really hard not to comment on anything that concerns him solely, but old habits... and I don't even realise I am doing it some of the time until I have finished with my words of wisdom to him!!

 

This is just an excuse. If you set the boundary in your head, there is no possible way you will break it. You break it because you want to portray the still loving and caring ksol in hopes he'll realize what he's missing. If anything you should be enraged, humiliated, insulted by the fact that he even uses you this way. It should be driving you to keep away from him. Dig deep and be honest with yourself as to why you're still being support for him.

 

 

It's like I am enchanted - he asks I answer. It is something I need to work on. Hopefully if the job works out (trial run this afternoon!) I will have something positive to focus on. Plus there are some Saturdays I would have to work as well, so that will cut down on face time with him.

 

Get mad. Not enchanted. I hope this job thing works out and you move out. Find anything, something to get you out of there. This situation is detrimental to your self-esteem.

 

Today I have got up written in my notebook and am getting ready to go out. It's so much easier when he is not around. I am going to start packing stuff up that reminds me of him this week, and I am applying for another job too. I know I have to keep busy and positive and I don't really dwell on us or our past (I have had many months to think about our situation being as things have been so bad between us, so I think I have already done some of my grieving over him). It's when I see him I feel this terrible ache. I remember what he has done to me, but my heart still rules my head. I think it's because he is so familiar - I want to be secure in a relationship again like he is. God forbid, I think I am jealous of him!

 

Don't be jealous of him. He has his own journey to figure out and you have yours as well. Your story with him is done. And you have a new chapter in life. It's good that you're being proactive and you're trying to find ways to detach. Keep moving forward and anticipate that you will sometimes fall and stumble but you know your reality and you know what you have to do.

 

The anger is not coming to me either - I had lots of therapy over anger issues in the past, and I really miss that emotion. If it comes it is fleeting and is gone again. I guess they reconditioned me! I feel like I have gone through the whole 5 stages of grief in the past 2 weeks and as I sit here typing this I am resolved to only go forward. We shall see how long that lasts

 

The stages of grief isn't a short stint of emotions. It's a long term process of emotions. It takes months and months to actually go through those emotions. And even when you think you've gained that last step -- acceptance -- you may recycle back to anger. So no, 2 weeks isn't you going through the stages. Plus, you haven't truly grieved seeing that you still talk to him and haven't yet felt the finality of it all.

[Itspointless]

The let's be friends thing - of course it's not going to work. I did try and tell him how I felt about that, what it meant to be a friend and that he most certainly had not behaved like one. He just doesn't get it. He has dealt with his feelings, and is ready to move on, so why aren't I?

It is because he does what he always - as I get from your stories - has done. He walks away when it is uncomfortable. He has not dealt with his feelings, he only has walked by to something new. But he really has not changed a bit. That women is in for a treat once the newness starts to wear off. It perhaps does not seem like it for you but you are the stronger one here. I came to the conclusion that some men and women are emotionally retarded. It is hard but better to discover this about the ones we love at some point.

 

Abandonment is one of the toughest things we get to endure in life, give yourself time and be kind to yourself. We do need their sympathy, they need ours, but hat ship has passed!

[kat2008]

I am having to continue living with my ex for financial reasons following his choice to be with ow.

 

It has been 2 weeks since he definitely told me he wanted to try with her not me. The first weekend I was a wreck - I cried and cried. He went to work away all week and while he was out of the house I started packing my things ready to go when I can financially support myself (no time soon, have a part time temp job at mo) but it made me feel better.

 

Anyway, last weekend I couldnt look at him, let alone speak to him (he only comes back weekends) and I finally thawed Sunday afternoon (he was quite attentive asking me if I wanted anything to eat or drink throughout the days- mostly of which I declined).

 

So this weekend is number 3 - I have packed more stuff (he hasn't really commented on the house looking empty). He has been suffering with flu this past week, and is looking quite ill, but I am refusing to allow myself to go into sympathy mode - this hurts cos I don't like to see dumb animals suffer(!)

 

The point of this ramble is I look at him now and wonder why I wanted him back. For instance when he was eating yesterday - his table manners were never good - I thought she is welcome to him! He doesn't shave, he looks scruffy. I am no longer cooking or ironing for him. He sleeps on sofa.

 

I have my independence back, I am allowing myself to think of a future without him, I am looking for houses to rent that I might be able to afford in a few months time, I am continuing with the exercise, losing weight and finding things to occupy myself with. In fact I only have little blips during the week when I think about him and cry for what has been lost. I don't even have the memories cropping up of us being happy together. When he is here, I walk away and try not to get into conversations with him (its his idea we can be friends!) and I have made myself a sitting room upstairs so we don't really have to come into contact much.

 

My question is am I fooling myself. Is my subconscious masking things to make me feel better about the situation so I can truly start healing or is it all going to hit like a ton of bricks down the line somewhere.

 

I have had some counselling and she suggested I use the affirmation: every day in every way I am getting better and better. I repeat it and repeat it after I have had a mini breakdown and then I do start to feel better again and more positive. But am I lying to myself.

 

(apologies for lack of apostrophes and question marks, keyboard will not allow me to add them!) Thanks for reading.

[maacus]

Kat, you're not lying to yourself. You are a good person and I am sorry if I don't offer much more support, I am going through tough times. But, I can say that by reading your post that you seem to be an outstanding person my friend, and your "husband" appears to be an ass. I'm sorry and I wish you well.

[kat2008]

lol lol - thank you for your kind words maacus and I can only agree that he is an ass! Eats like one too

 

I am sorry you are not doing so well yourself. I have said it before, this forum has helped me so much, I hope you are able to gain something from it too

[kat2008]

Hi

 

As requested, I need someone to give me a slap!! I am having feelings for my ex I need to get rid of. He is here this weekend at the house and we are conversing normally - just general stuff, and it's always him who starts the convo.

 

He arrived late last night and I mostly ignored him then and went to bed early. This morning I arranged to do some volunteer work so was able to disappear for a few hours. But since I got back, he has been 'nice' to me, and doing things around the house, and I can feel myself being drawn in. It doesn't matter if I am in another room, as he will come and find me with some random question or story, showing me things on facebook or asking me if I want something to eat or drink. It's weakening my resolve and I don't like it.

 

I can't go out again as I have nowhere to go and I hate driving around aimlessly.

 

I don't know what to do - I feel like I am being ambushed by myself. I can't concentrate on doing anything while he is here and my anxiety is growing - am starting to feel all nervous and weird.

 

Oh god, I sound like some mad woman I know. I need to get a grip. I hate it when he is nice to me, I know it is only his guilt talking, but just for a few minutes, it's great to have a normal conversation with someone I have known for years and dare I admit it - even laugh again with him.

 

Now am upset. With myself. When I should be angry - with him.

[PegNosePete]

Have you filed for divorce yet? And seen a lawyer regarding the finances?

[kat2008]

Hi Pete

 

I have seen a lawyer, and was told as we are common law, the province we are in does not recognise us as married and I would therefore not be entitled to spousal support.

 

I am being referred to another counsellor re finding a place of my own to live - it is possible they will pay rent upto so much a month, but that still leaves all the other bills including health insurance and living expenses to find.

 

And as I am still struggling to find a job...

 

Have even seen an employment counsellor and am being considered for a 'placement' of 3 months somewhere - bit like the old YTS in England. But there are few employers who are willing to take part in this scheme, so still finding it difficult to source anything.

 

It would appear that due to my having very little work experience in Canada, employers are suspicious of my resume, even though I have been doing volunteer work for recognised charities for the last 4 years. It is a very backward province in some respects.

 

So, for now, I am a little stuck as he is still willing to pay all the bills, I have a roof over my head, he pays for my car etc etc). I have to keep the balance. I was just looking for some ideas on how to cope and strengthen my resolve whilst he is here at weekends.

 

Thanks.

Luckily this weekend, he is leaving early and I have made arrangements to go out, so this will make things easier this time.