ignorance is bliss... for a moment or two

[kat2008]

Hi Mightycpa - I have zero cash, he has spent $3k (his money!!) on trip to Uk - I agreed that he needed to go, he is homesick and his mother is ill, so I could hardly say no. We live in a rural location and I don't know anyone well enough to go stay with them (I am not great at making friends!)

 

 

He won't throw me out - I know he won't, so I can stay in the house but obviously if things don't work out between us, I will need to get that job and GO!! I am looking at all options I can think of, but without a job I can't move house. And it so easy to be lulled into that false sense of security. I have been here before in this situation with other guys, but have always kept my independence. So totally new situation for me.

 

 

Satu - I agree with you - if could afford it and he wasn't sitting next to me when I booked his ticket, I would have sent him way, way off course!!

 

 

Blindsided 88 - I am sorry to hear about your situation, and it sounds a lot like mine. I too DO NOT know why I am wasting my time and energy on him. I think part of it is I can't escape from it as we live together so in my tiny mind am trying to make the best of it, whilst I try to plot other courses of action without losing what bit of mind I still have left.

 

 

When the time comes for that ultimatum, her or me, and if he chooses me, then I will contacting her direct and letting her know myself. I have her email address, phone number, I know where she works and I even know which uni she is at. It is very very sad of me I know, but one shouldn't go snooping if you don't have the stomach for it!!

 

 

Now his plane is delayed, I have spent over an hour sorting out new flight, hotel stay and car hire for him. YES I am stupid!! I know this, this is what I CANNOT understand about myself. This makes me more angry than him.

 

 

Thank you all for responding, and listening. much appreciated

[kidm]

Sorry to to be harsh but this is all a bit pathetic and desperate. Waiting to be picked by a guy? You really think he is going to have an epiphany that you're the one for him when he has not been faced with any consequences for his actions? The chances are slim to none but I guess you can still hold out hope. He is just stringing you along and dropping breadcrumbs when it suits him.

 

Yes, you've mentioned a number of excuses but it sounds like you're not willing to make tough touch choices. Contact friends or family in your home country and get your self back home, pick up the pieces and move on. Your whole existence in life cannot be so dependent on him. Chances are he picks the other woman or neither of you. Even if he chose you, can you really trust him after all this?

 

You really need to get the ball rolling on your future and stop being a passive participant in your life.

[Zahara]

I would just like to know where I stand with him.

 

That has been established time and time again. You just don't want to accept it.

 

He has 2 weeks away from everything here to start thinking seriously about what he wants.

 

Even if he decided to pick you, do you think you could even have a relationship without constantly looking over your shoulder? You don't want to live that way.

 

 

Why doesn't it feel like its enough? Am I simply deluded?!

 

You've enabled bad behavior. You've established yourself as a person that will accept poor treatment and that in turn will likely keep this man where he wants to be. So, no matter what you do it will never be enough because he doesn't see you the way you want him to. Maintaining you requires no effort at all. I'd rather go back to my country, face whatever hardships I have to in order to get back on my feet again, rather than sitting around and waiting for a cheater to pick me. Your behavior isn't attractive and neither is it desirable. Chances are even if you both got back together, he'd likely do it again because you teach people how to treat you.

Edited February 17, 2016 by Zahara

[kat2008]

Kidm & Zahara - I know you are both right. My head knows it but my heart will not listen. Pathetic, stupid, desperate. Yep I am and I don't recognise myself. I have had to rely on him for 4 years, and I have hated having to do this. It has changed me. Without money I can do nothing. I know no-one I can borrow it from. I am stuck. So I try to deal with it as best I can without having a breakdown and the easiest option for me is to try and be polite, help out and be walked on. I hate it. I hate what I am doing to myself. I hate what I have become.

[Zahara]

Kidm & Zahara - I know you are both right. My head knows it but my heart will not listen. Pathetic, stupid, desperate. Yep I am and I don't recognise myself. I have had to rely on him for 4 years, and I have hated having to do this. It has changed me. Without money I can do nothing. I know no-one I can borrow it from. I am stuck. So I try to deal with it as best I can without having a breakdown and the easiest option for me is to try and be polite, help out and be walked on. I hate it. I hate what I am doing to myself. I hate what I have become.

 

Have you actually reached out to your friends and family to ask for help or have you just assumed that they will not help because "they have their own problems" as you noted in your first thread. Have you explained to your parents the emotional and mental condition you're in, because regardless of their problems I can't imagine them just ignoring the fact that you are suffering.

[266696687]

The problem is he holds all the cards in this situation with both you and the other woman.

 

He knows you can't leave and he can keep communicating with the OW. The OW obviously knows he was married and is trying to hold on to him.

 

You are stuck.

 

I'm sorry but it's time for you to stand up for yourself and let the cards fall where they may. It's a scary situation but he is taking advantage of the fact you are reliant on him to drag this out as much as possible while having his cake and eating it too. But now he is doing it in front of your face.

 

If you had a ton of money in the bank to support yourself I'm sure you wouldn't be tolerating his behaviour as you have been. You are being forced to take a backseat to the decision making process because of your circumstances.

 

The only way to get some traction in this situation is not to allow your circumstances to dictate what behaviour you find acceptable or not. He is either with you or her. He can't have both. At the moment that's exactly what he has got. He needs to have some respect for you.

 

Stand your ground.

[kidm]

He just spent money to go back home and visit his family so you can also spend some money to get back home. He really has left you with no other option. Reach out to friends and/or family to let them know your circumstances. Don't keep sitting there like a lame duck waiting to be shot. I realize you have stated he wouldn't stop supporting you but what if he does? What if you no longer have his support? Are you saying you will just live in the foreign country as a homeless person?

[RRM321]

I lived in that limbo far too long and if I could turn back time I would have done things very differently. The solution is OURS not the WS's. I offer this advice:

 

Remove the issue of the OW from your concern, she's not a party to your marriage or whatever relationship you decide to create going forward.

 

Treat this first marriage as over. The old terms and rules of engagement no longer apply. Don't reconcile what wasn't working. Start over - even if that's a second marriage to the same person.

 

"I don't know what I want" means: "I'm happy with what I've got, and not inclined to change anything." He is simply refusing to make a choice.

 

You know exactly what you want (marriage) without cheating. You can't restore that. Separate and start a new and different relationship with him, new rules, new boundaries, and see where it leads.

 

Right now, he's not even expressing a sincere interest. Why should he get to live you while perpetrating this cruelty? If you can, ask him to move out and then go get a legal order for separate support.

 

That may sound harsh but, he has changed the terms of your relationship, emotional well being, safety & security, and you deserve to have your emotional, physical, and economic health preserved to the best of your ability. This step is on you, you are the one responsible now for your own well being.

 

If I've learned anything - it's that you cannot heal while still in the presence of this cruel ambivalence.

Edited February 17, 2016 by RRM321

[kat2008]

Zahara - unfortunately I no longer have parents - they died when I was very young, my family are very strange and there is no way I could rely on them! Brother and sister - have less than I do and each have health problems, are older than me and to be honest we email a lot, but have never been close, due to family circumstances when growing up. My best friend in UK has said I could live with her while I sort myself out if I go back there. Which was really great for me to hear, so that is a possibility, if I HAVE to go back.

[Zahara]

Zahara - unfortunately I no longer have parents - they died when I was very young, my family are very strange and there is no way I could rely on them! Brother and sister - have less than I do and each have health problems, are older than me and to be honest we email a lot, but have never been close, due to family circumstances when growing up. My best friend in UK has said I could live with her while I sort myself out if I go back there. Which was really great for me to hear, so that is a possibility, if I HAVE to go back.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your parents, Kat. It's unfortunate that you don't have a support system that you can rely on. Have you talked to your siblings? It never hurts to try.

 

How much will it cost you to go back home? And yes, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK or at least leave this guy.

[kat2008]

Thank you for your reply. In my lucid moments, this is what I see and know to be true. I do tentatively try to communicate my feelings about the situation to him, I am not afraid of confrontation, but when I am met with 'I don't know what I want' all the time I just back off. I don't want to appear needy and desperate to him (of course, I know I do sometimes which makes me cringe as I would not normally behave like this). Yep - if I had the money, I most certainly WOULD NOT be sitting on my ar*e.

 

 

You are right - I do need to get back on track and stand up for myself. I just needed to be reminded, thank you!

[Zahara]

Thank you for your reply. In my lucid moments, this is what I see and know to be true. I do tentatively try to communicate my feelings about the situation to him, I am not afraid of confrontation, but when I am met with 'I don't know what I want' all the time I just back off. I don't want to appear needy and desperate to him (of course, I know I do sometimes which makes me cringe as I would not normally behave like this). Yep - if I had the money, I most certainly WOULD NOT be sitting on my ar*e.

 

 

You are right - I do need to get back on track and stand up for myself. I just needed to be reminded, thank you!

 

Kat, you can communicate your feelings about the situation till you go blue -- he knows what he's doing, he knows the hurt he's causing, he knows what you want. At this point he already knows you are desperate and needy. This is because of the treatment you have accepted.

 

"I don't know what I want" is an answer. Not picking you is an answer. You're hanging on to crumbs in hopes crumbs may turn into a loaf. Sadly, the damage is done. Even if he came back, you'll never be able to have a trustworthy relationship, and seeing who he is, he will likely cheat again because he knows you have no boundaries, and possibly never will because you'll tolerate anything just to be with him.

 

Please reach out to people you know and ask for help. Don't assume, just ask. Asking never hurts. Even your best friend in UK -- trust me, if my friend was in your situation, I'd do everything I can to get her back safe and sound.

 

You have to start being proactive in protecting yourself.

[kat2008]

RRM321 - Thank you so much for your advice, it has given me a lot to think about. I will tackle him when he gets back, regardless of whether he has made his mind up or not. Part of me does wonder if he actually wants me to make his mind up for him.

[kat2008]

Zahara - I no longer know how to behave in this situation. Like I said before, I don't recognise myself. I want to get myself out of the Sh*t but when I seem to be getting somewhere, something seems to happen that throws me, or puts me back in a place somewhere to the left of where I want to be.

 

 

My best friend works long hours, and is having issues with work colleagues. I do email her but sometimes she takes days to come back to me and with other things on her mind, she doesn't always respond to my thoughts. My sister's situation - well that really is a whole other forum thread. Whenever I think I have it bad, I just think of her and remember there is always someone worse off than yourself. And my brother - well, he is a guy obviously, had one long term relationship which went bad and has steered clear of women since. He tells me he doesn't know what to say to me about it all.

 

 

To get back to UK would cost maybe $3-4k - I have pets which would have to come back with me. He is away all week so he can't look after them, and I cannot rehome them, I have had my dog for 8 years, she is nearly 11 now, so it's not an option.

[Zahara]

Zahara - I no longer know how to behave in this situation. Like I said before, I don't recognise myself. I want to get myself out of the Sh*t but when I seem to be getting somewhere, something seems to happen that throws me, or puts me back in a place somewhere to the left of where I want to be.

 

That's because you still have hope. You haven't decided for yourself that you're done with this and you're ready to move on. Until that time comes, you'll flip flop. The bad part about that is sometimes we wait till things get to such a bad extent and by then, we're broken and traumatized, unable to function and do the right thing. This is not love that you feel, it's co-dependence.

 

To get back to UK would cost maybe $3-4k - I have pets which would have to come back with me. He is away all week so he can't look after them, and I cannot rehome them, I have had my dog for 8 years, she is nearly 11 now, so it's not an option.

 

Hypothetical -- if this man came to you today and said, "You need to move out and I can't sustain you financially any longer." What would your game plan be? Don't keep circling around the fact that you just know he will never do that. I bet you never thought he'd cheat on you too. So, what would you do?

[kat2008]

zahara - yes I do have hope. wrongly or rightly. and yes your right again - I am flip-flopping back and forth, which is something I don't normally do. usually I make a decision and stick to it.

 

 

I did laugh at the last part - no, I NEVER would have thought he would be the one to cheat - I have always trusted him.

 

And a very good question - what would I do if he came to me and said I had to move out and that he can no longer financially support me? hmmm... I honestly do not know. worryingly, it is not even something I had even considered - which now that you have pointed it out, is something I really do need to start seriously thinking about.

[Zahara]

And a very good question - what would I do if he came to me and said I had to move out and that he can no longer financially support me? hmmm... I honestly do not know. worryingly, it is not even something I had even considered - which now that you have pointed it out, is something I really do need to start seriously thinking about.

 

And that's why instead of waiting around for him to decide your fate, you need to really start thinking about what happens when he returns and what your plan is going to be. And that's why I mentioned just reaching out to family and friends to see if you can pool money (regardless of what their situation is, ask), maybe see if you can get some odd jobs and start saving some money. When I moved to the US, I didn't have a work permit but I babysat for my neighbor at the time and I made about 250 a week. I also did odd jobs for my neighbors and saved up quite a sum.

 

Start thinking about protecting yourself.

[ChickiePops]

Zahara - unfortunately I no longer have parents - they died when I was very young, my family are very strange and there is no way I could rely on them! Brother and sister - have less than I do and each have health problems, are older than me and to be honest we email a lot, but have never been close, due to family circumstances when growing up. My best friend in UK has said I could live with her while I sort myself out if I go back there. Which was really great for me to hear, so that is a possibility, if I HAVE to go back.

 

Hi Kat. I'm sorry about your family. I'm in the same boat. Dead parents, (I don't have siblings but I have cousins and aunts who I'm not close to), and dumped.

 

I have no words of advice but I can offer support and hugs.

[kat2008]

Well the title says it all. I picked him up from airport on Thursday and we had 'the conversation' yesterday, and he decided he wants to give o/w a chance rather than me.

 

I know you will all say 'I told you so' but up until the actual words were spoken, I had to hold onto a tiny bit of hope. Which of course has now been shattered completely and like everyone else in this situation I am picking myself up off the floor and bawling my eyes out continuously :-(

 

One small positive: it looks like I do have a job offer - I do a trial run next week to see if I like it. It's a minimum wage job in a clothing store, but it's a stepping stone. We have to continue to live in house together at weekends (he is out all week) because even with a job, neither of us can afford to move out. I shall be saving as much of my cash as possible (I haven't told him I have a job offer yet, and am not sure how long I can keep it to myself - am too honest and the guilt and lies will erode me) but really really selfishly?? I don't want to contribute to household bills and give him extra cash to splash on her, even tho he has 'kept' me for 4 years.

 

He wants it to remain amicable and friends (at the moment he is my lifeline here so am being agreeable). I am on wait list for counselling and hopefully will have some other 'professional' support I can register for in meantime.

 

I guess I just wanted to update you on my situation. Am alternating between feeling so alone, terrified, depressed and abandoned, but weirdly also very occasionally happy and ready for a new future without him - I woke up at 5am this morning and couldn't sleep then remembered what had happened and cried for 4 hours. I have been offered anti-depressants, but have been down that road before and do not wish to start again.

 

Well I guess that's it. No need to reply I just wanted to offload. Thanks for reading :-)

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so truly sorry that this is happening to you. I met my H when I was 21 (that's 26 years ago!) & I believed, completely & utterly, that he was my family, my partner.

 

I used to be a hapless romantic. My parents met young & have spent their entire lives building companies, lives together. I followed what I knew. I made huge life changes decision for my H, my family. I gave-up my very successful career, I moved to a foreign country with no support, only him...

 

I'm very sad & broken. I can't snap out of it. I gave so much & now know I could be dumped any moment someone better comes along. I'm paralyzed by self loathing. Should I teach my children to NEVER rely on another human being? No matter how much someone vows to love you today everything could change tomorrow.

 

I'm not liking the human race very much at the moment. I feel very weak & pathetic & lost. How the mighty fall! I used to believe that we had one of the most fantastic marriages ever. Ugh!

[Zahara]

Kat, I'm sorry to hear but at the same time this is a good thing. You have your ending and closure. It's time to start your new life and it's good that you're taking steps. I hope the job works out for you and focus on your counselling.

 

Exercise. It's a great stress reliever and a mood booster. Small steps but it's going to get you somewhere. Save as much as you can. Keep a distance from from him. You're going to get through this.

[kat2008]

It's one of the worst situations to be in - if it was a bereavement at least you know there is no chance of them coming back.

 

Although I had seven weeks to come to terms with the possibility this might be over, I still had a tiny bit of hope that we might be able to try again. It might not work but at least we would have been able to try. I think that hurts more than anything, that the chance wasn't even given.

 

I have nothing to show for the last 4 years of my life. That's a massive shock too, after giving up everything in UK to move over here for 'our' new life. He tells me that he will probably go back to England, maybe for good, when we get full residency within the next 2 years. This means I have to be financially independent of him in 2 years at the most. I can't even begin to comprehend how I am going to manage this - even if I am working.

 

Please start putting yourself first (I know you have children so it's even more important to do this ). This will help you gain back some control in your life. It doesn't matter in what way, or however small the gesture to yourself. I am only just starting to do this and it's very hard not to include him, he was my love, my life but he has left me. I can't let that define me as a person going forward. He is not who he was, and I am not the person I was.

 

This forum is one of the best - I am on most days and I look at all topics just to get my mind off my own situation. I make myself exercise, I make myself write in notebooks - I have several depending on my mood, so that I don't accidentally read something I can't cope with. It's a great way of getting rid of thoughts - as soon as they hit the paper, they are out of your head. And when you are feeling strong enough you can go back and explore them further - if you want to.

 

I recently found a notebook from 20 years ago, detailing when I split up from another LTR. I am not who I was thankfully! It was a very painful read - I was on meds, in therapy, suicidal, self harming. I vowed then NEVER to let anyone do this to me again. I managed to keep that vow, and although I do sink, I haven't reached the bottom once. I kind of bob gently back to surface, and the next time I don't sink so low.

 

There is lots of info on net for coping. I write all these positive sayings down and when I need a boost I read a few - it helps me anyway. While he was away I even had several posted on walls around the house!

 

The self loathing is there with me to. And I feel so physically ugly. I am trying really hard to get some confidence back and self esteem. I am terrified of starting a new life on my own. I have an overwhelming need to return to UK but I know if I do, I will not face up to things (out of sight, out of mind) and it will cripple me in the long run. So I have to confront it. I can't move forward until I do. But it's baby steps all the way.

 

Keep posting on the site. The people here have all been through what we are now going through, they are testament that our lives don't have to be over just because that 'special' someone no longer loves us. We just need to remember to be kind to ourselves and believe in ourselves. That we will get through this too. I now know I will pop out the other side and it will be a better place for me. Might take a while to get there of course but I will!

 

Don't give up on yourself. We are all here to support you and each another. xxx

[kat2008]

Hi Zahara - thank you! I read a lot of your responses on other posts and although I don't want to always believe what you say I know you are inevitably right!

 

(Previous post was for Shattered Lady - I couldn't post directly to her response - thank you!!)

Edited March 6, 2016 by kat2008

[kat2008]

Sorry - I need to get this out of my system.

 

He has just left to go to work. And I won't see him again until Saturday probably. He certainly won't contact me. The problem is we have spent all day being polite and pleasant to each other because we are supposed to be grown ups - no crying (in front of him), no what ifs, no pleading, or begging, left him alone to do his stuff. I have been scribbling in notebooks all day trying to keep my mood high.

 

AND NOW... oh god the pain is physical. Have I been lying to myself all day that I am ready to accept this change in our relationship? Or is it just cos it's still so raw? Is it going to be like this every weekend he leaves to go to work?

 

He wants us to be friends - HAH! And we have to try and get along but how much leeway does he get? I know he is trying to assuage his guilt, by the things he says and does (without me asking). I guess what I need is some advice on how do you live with the person who has just dumped you for the o/w? He slept on sofa last 3 nights, I avoid him as much as possible in certain areas of house (living room is neutral territory), I have been letting him start conversations, but trying not to chit chat with him (sometimes am pulled in to deeper conversations like we used to have then realise what I am doing and find a way to exit the chat).

 

I need to know how to talk about boundaries with him whilst we are sharing the house. I have asked him to respect me and not respond to her texts or ring her when he is here. Is that reasonable?

 

I feel like I am being pulled in 2 different directions by him and myself. And now I have been abandoned and left to deal with my own thoughts. I am trying very hard not to imagine him ringing her and meeting her now. He bought us both a piece of jewellery back from his hol - (yeah I went snooping) so he has that to give to her. Oh god and now I am thinking of how delighted she will be with him. Oh F*K

[Zahara]

AND NOW... oh god the pain is physical. Have I been lying to myself all day that I am ready to accept this change in our relationship? Or is it just cos it's still so raw? Is it going to be like this every weekend he leaves to go to work?

 

You're in a tough situation, Kat. His presence somewhat masks the reality of your ending. You don't really get to grieve the loss because you still get to see him and engage with him so you don't get to truly experience the pains of an ending, at least for now. So you're going to go up and down. Relieved when he's back, pain when he's gone. This is why you need to get out fast so that you can sever ties, cut the cord.

 

He wants us to be friends - HAH! And we have to try and get along but how much leeway does he get? I know he is trying to assuage his guilt, by the things he says and does (without me asking). I guess what I need is some advice on how do you live with the person who has just dumped you for the o/w?

 

Being friends is a ridiculous notion on his part. It's easy for him to extend that because he is not emotionally invested in you therefore it's no sweat off his back to be friends. It could also be that it's the only way for both of you to be civil while you live under the same roof. You live with him by keeping distance, engaging only when necessary and staying out of each other's way when possible. I don't know if I could ever do it.

 

(sometimes am pulled in to deeper conversations like we used to have then realise what I am doing and find a way to exit the chat).

 

You need to stop that. Don't be any sort of anything to him.

 

I need to know how to talk about boundaries with him whilst we are sharing the house. I have asked him to respect me and not respond to her texts or ring her when he is here. Is that reasonable?

 

It's his home so I don't know if that's even something he will abide by and the fact that he has no qualms about doing it infront of you is indication that he does not care.