leafguy Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Hey everyone, Looking for advice on how to handle a coffee with the ex. We are 3 weeks post BU, 3 month relationship. I did 2 weeks of NC to get my head on straight, then reached out last week to wish her good luck at an event she was at. Last night we talked for a couple hours back and forth and ultimately made plans for the weekend to meet up. I suspect that it is strictly talk about things and move on, so expectations are low (I do have a bit of hope unfortunately) that I can't seem to get rid of. *Disclaimer* she took the relationship down tonight on FB(I know it is pretty much meaningless, but it is still that blow). I guess what I am asking is, do I go with the fake smile and try to keep it light hearted or do I go with the intent of just trying to get some answers that I didn't feel I got during the initial break up? Thx in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 I don't mean this the wrong way but, how are you so attached after only 3 months of dating? I say, get all the answers you need. What's the point of being fake? Link to post Share on other sites
Author leafguy Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 No worries AMJ, Honestly, things went really quick and very naturally and I fell harder than I ever thought I would in 3.5ish months. I am doing fine to be honest, but given how close I got to her and her family, Im having a harder time that I thought I would as well if that makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 No worries AMJ, Honestly, things went really quick and very naturally and I fell harder than I ever thought I would in 3.5ish months. I am doing fine to be honest, but given how close I got to her and her family, Im having a harder time that I thought I would as well if that makes sense. but given how close I got to her and her family, -- This is the reason that it's not a good idea to involve family/friends too early in a developing relationship -- because if it ends, you end up not only losing that relationship, you're saying goodbye to those people as well. So, the process of moving on is compounded. Link to post Share on other sites
abby_tx Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Meeting up for coffee seems so pointless. Delaying the moving on process if you ask me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leafguy Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Unfortunately Redhead, you are 100% right This is one of those situations where I found out the hard way. They made me feel like I was one of them right from day 1. It has definitely compounded the situation alot. Link to post Share on other sites
abby_tx Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 who broke up with whom and why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author leafguy Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 (edited) She broke up with me due to time constraints (according to her). Took a new job that required commuting, had volunteering commitments etc that basically ate up a lot of her time, which did impact us quite a bit. I think she was simply overwhelmed with having to balance and was incapable at the time. That being said, I think there were also issues out of fear (her schedule was clearing up a few weeks after the break up) and we also had a couple weekends booked to go away that also had to be cancelled, so maybe how serious it got that quick. I got the whole she needed time because she didn't know what she wants and that she can't give me the time I deserve in a relationship and wasn't sure if she was capable of balancing during the talk. Edited February 17, 2016 by leafguy Link to post Share on other sites
abby_tx Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 She broke up with me due to time constraints (according to her). Took a new job that required commuting, had volunteering commitments etc that basically ate up a lot of her time, which did impact us quite a bit. I think she was simply overwhelmed with having to balance and was incapable at the time. That being said, I think there were also issues out of fear (her schedule was clearing up a few weeks after the break up) and we also had a couple weekends booked to go away that also had to be cancelled, so maybe how serious it got that quick. I got the whole she needed time because she didn't know what she wants and that she can't give me the time I deserve in a relationship and wasn't sure if she was capable of balancing during the talk. Hmm... well my first thought was that if she was the one who did the breaking up and took down her facebook status that you should 100% cancel coffee, go back to no contact, and move on. But this is a bit tricky. On the off chance you do rekindle the love, maybe it's worth acting a fool and delaying the healing process? Sorry if that sounded rude. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leafguy Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Honestly Abby, Your thoughts are spot on. I think my thought process was that its 3 months, delaying healing a week, maybe two to take a shot isn't going to be a big deal in the grand scheme of things? I am definitely playing the fool and I wear my heart on my sleeve unfortunately...always have and don't think that will ever change. I don't believe it was ever a lack of attraction as the break up was very sudden (again my perspective and I may have missed something), but time together was definitely a factor to her more so than me. I was happy because I knew the schedule issue would gradually take care of itself, where as she was the one that was far more stressed about things (new job, volunteering and my guess is a suddenly serious relationship). Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Hey everyone, Looking for advice on how to handle a coffee with the ex. We are 3 weeks post BU, 3 month relationship. I did 2 weeks of NC to get my head on straight, then reached out last week to wish her good luck at an event she was at. Last night we talked for a couple hours back and forth and ultimately made plans for the weekend to meet up. I suspect that it is strictly talk about things and move on, so expectations are low (I do have a bit of hope unfortunately) that I can't seem to get rid of. *Disclaimer* she took the relationship down tonight on FB(I know it is pretty much meaningless, but it is still that blow). I guess what I am asking is, do I go with the fake smile and try to keep it light hearted or do I go with the intent of just trying to get some answers that I didn't feel I got during the initial break up? Thx in advance. Considering that you were the one to contact her (and maybe to suggest meeting too?) she probably thinks that you actually want to be platonic friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leafguy Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Popsicle, Hadn't thought of it that way. I don't think I have given off that vibe, but maybe she perceives in that way. The split was amicable, and done in the right way, which there are no hard feelings. She could just be being nice to let me say a few things as well to get me to go away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
greenleaves54 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 (edited) Bad, bad idea. You need to go cold turkey or you will never get rid of the addiction of being in love with her. It would be another case if she were the one to make contact. Have a bit more respect for yourself. She left you, show her that she really lost you. Don't hang around. Fake indifference until you reach it. Never contacting her again is a win-win. You either move on or she returns. Contacting her is a lose-lose. She won't ever come back that way and you will not move on. A natural mistake though. Most of us have done it once. Good luck! It gets easier. Edited February 17, 2016 by greenleaves54 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 This is a bad idea. I'd cancel it. I think Popsicle is right -- she probably thinks that you initiating it means that you are warming up to being friends. Don't ever assume that your ex is on the same wavelength as you. If they were, they wouldn't have broken up with you, would they? I'm not going to act like I haven't done what you're doing. I did similar (actually more) to the ex that originally brought me here six weeks after it went down (relationship was a short one like yours but I caught feels quick). It was a weekend where her sister and her sister's husband (my best friend) came down and we had two outings on separate days with the four of us. The first day was a trainwreck (she was weird and cold, I was weird in the fact that I was trying to overcompensate and not be weird) and the second was a bit better, but still not great. We both acted like jackasses because neither one of us were ready to deal with this. There's no way in hell you're ready to deal with it either. I'd cancel (or not follow up) and go No Contact without texting her. Don't chase a person who dumped you -- it's poor form. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leafguy Posted February 18, 2016 Author Share Posted February 18, 2016 Thx for chiming in Simon, Your input is always appreciated. I agree that we aren't on the same wave length and as good as I have been doing with things, you are right. I don't think I am ready yet. We are 3 weeks tomorrow post BU. As much as I want to say I feel ready, seeing her face again, I can't promise myself I won't have a huge reaction. That being said, I have some of her things here that I would like to return. I am debating on shipping them to her via mail, but it just doesn't feel right handing things like that. Call it closure, polite, whatever you want. Im sure I could always reach out to her mom to drop them off when she isn't there, but I know given my relationship with the family, she is going to want to talk, which I don't think it is something I should partake in despite the fact I would love to see how they are doing. Given these belongings aren't critical, would putting them away for a month be a huge issue, then reach out when I feel better about facing her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 18, 2016 Share Posted February 18, 2016 Why isn't mailing them appropriate exactly? As long as they get where they need to go, what does it matter? I think that's you looking for a reason to hang on more than anything else. Ship the stuff, or box it up and drop it off at a time you know she won't be there. Don't make the simple difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leafguy Posted February 19, 2016 Author Share Posted February 19, 2016 I agree with you on that one Phoenix. For some reason, I cant get the last little bit of hanging on out of my system. Not sure why. I think the big part of it is I cant seem to pinpoint where it went south and im struggling to get my head around it still. Its like the break up is there and happened, but still struggling to sink in. Even though I havent seen her in 3 weeks, and have talked a few times, I cant process it. And as stupid as it is for 3 months, I had an easier time at this point than with my ex fiancee of 4 years. That one I knew why it ended....this one no idea why it has been so tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 I agree with you on that one Phoenix. For some reason, I cant get the last little bit of hanging on out of my system. Not sure why. I think the big part of it is I cant seem to pinpoint where it went south and im struggling to get my head around it still. Its like the break up is there and happened, but still struggling to sink in. Even though I havent seen her in 3 weeks, and have talked a few times, I cant process it. And as stupid as it is for 3 months, I had an easier time at this point than with my ex fiancee of 4 years. That one I knew why it ended....this one no idea why it has been so tough. I get where you're coming from, but the "why" really doesn't matter. Results matter, and the result is that you're broken up. Let's say you find out why -- then what? What are you possibly going to do with that information? People don't need a list of reasons to break up. They don't need to prove their cases like they are a district attorney. Feelings aren't logical -- sometimes they just go different ways on a whim. The sooner you accept that instead of searching for the great white whale of closure, the better off it'll be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leafguy Posted February 20, 2016 Author Share Posted February 20, 2016 You are correct...Im not sure what I would do with the information. I think just knowing why would ease my mind, despite the fact it really doesn't change the result or matter in the end. Knowing how something so natural and easy just obliterated. And to be honest, maybe seeing the perspective from the other side would be ok too...when I can handle it. Its day 3 NC for me finally and I feel quite a bit better than the pins and needles I have been on the past 2 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Perspective of the other side can also make you overthink, undermine yourself and try to manipulate things to try to get your ex to change her mind. What happened happened. It sucks, but you gotta brush yourself off and move forward. You weren't necessarily wrong, but in her eyes things weren't necessarily right. It's part of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leafguy Posted April 17, 2016 Author Share Posted April 17, 2016 (edited) Hey everyone, Quick info...dated 4 months, been separated almost 3. Have talked maybe twice a week since the BU, save for immediately after. Reasoning was her starting career (Im 29, she is 23) and she felt that the career needed her attention. So today, we both had a free Saturday night, so I pitched the idea for coffee since we both seem to be doing well and on good terms. She agreed and we met up. I was planning on meeting up for maybe a hour, but it went to over 2 and probably would have went longer, save for us both being tired. We basically just caught up, talked about life in general, recent trips, how the family was doing, work, etc. Basically what was to be expected. Felt natural, few pauses, but picked right back up. Did not talk about the relationship at all to keep things happy and what not. She mentioned on her trip she took hundreds of photos, so I mentioned it would be nice to see them, which she said that it would be nice to meet up again and go through them. I guess where it got confusing was the good bye. It was the long embracing hug (did not kiss her) and we went on our way with her mentioning she will let me know what is up for next weekend. Her schedule is still an issue, but getting better, and I would like to test the waters again in the opportunity arises. It should be noted the first relationship was very intense. So I guess the questions I have are is this a good first meet up? More generally, any advice on moving forward? When to bring up the more serious talk (if it gets there)? Thx in advance. Edited April 17, 2016 by leafguy Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 It's better then most. Do you know if she now believes she can balance both a BF & a "new" job? Are you sure that just wasn't the reason she made up to spare your feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
Author leafguy Posted April 17, 2016 Author Share Posted April 17, 2016 Honestly donnivain, For right now, I dont believe she can. When her volunteering and everything is done for the summer, then yes I believe so. I dont intend to wait around to find out if something comes along, but she is initiating far more the last few weeks and there is a lot of positive signs. Its one of those things that the closer to summer she gets, the better her schedule becomes. Link to post Share on other sites
Sgthaytham Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 I don't mean this the wrong way but, how are you so attached after only 3 months of dating? I say, get all the answers you need. What's the point of being fake? It usually takes 3 months to fall in love. Link to post Share on other sites
Sgthaytham Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 You're the dumpee, so why on Earth are you chasing her? Go No Contact, stay No Contact and let her come to you. Since you two have been talking, you're going to have to let her know that you can't put up with being her male girlfriend and think it's best if you cut contact. Tell her that she can get in touch if she changes her mind about the break up. From there go No Contact. Link to post Share on other sites
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