Im about to ghost on someone..

[OK_computer]

Well I don't know if it's the same thing as NC, maybe you guys can clarify if it is.

 

Short summary:

-loved her more anything she was my bestfriend for 2 years before we started dating which was for about 7 months

-she's no longer making efforts to see me, keeps blowing me off, cancelling dates the day of

-chooses to hang out with her friends over me

-don't see a future, because I keep getting disappointed and my heart ripped out

-last night was the last straw, she was flakey on a lunch plans saying she'd let me know, never did.

-we've barely talked the last 3 weeks--always with her friends and never makes time for me, says she's not in the mood

-some nights idk where she is, i suspect there's another man.

-takes 2 or 3 calls to reach her, meanwhile I'm always on my toes being available--putting her first.

 

I don't want to confront it because she'll deny it or make up and excuse. I loved her sincerely and trusted her, but I feel I cannot anymore. But I don't want to have THE TALK. I just want to go off the radar, no contact.

 

We work in the same workplace, but that's only for another month or so. I figured she'd get the hint when i stop replying to texts/calls and if I see her i'll just say hi if she makes eye contact. Don't want drama. I feel she left me first anyways. Today will be day 1 of NC. I'm a veteran of NC, i've been NC for 3 years with my previous ex, I know I can do it. My heart is so torn by how little importance she gives me.

 

Im done. What do you guys think? Is it immature? I figure if she's this selfish, I might as well be selfish with my heart and emotions as well. What do I do if she tries to contact me? Asks me why I don't talk to her anymore? ignore or communicate why I'm done?

 

She called me today, I didn't pick up. I know it sounds immature, but I want her to know what it's like to be ignored.

Edited February 17, 2016 by OK_computer

[triple-s]

" We work in the same workplace "

... i had the same problem >_< . Never again ...

 

... from what you described ... looks like its a lost cause man .

 

... If she reaches out again, tell her how you feel and if shes not down with your terms, WALK AND NEVER LOOK BACK .

[mightycpa]

I think you might be doing it at least in part because you want to try to cause a reaction. You have to be open to the possibility that she'll be fine with it. This is why you can't do it that way. Man up.

 

I'd suggest you just walk over to her at work, and give her notice. Not a talk really, just short and sweet:

 

Matilda, I think we both know this isn't working out lately. I'm going to need some space for a little while. I'll see you around.

Then walk away. If she wants to talk, just tell her that you can talk about it later, after you've had a little time apart. Then don't.

[OK_computer]

Well, after 3 missed calls I called her back. She asks what about plans for lunch today, I said I'm busy--she got pissed because she promised this other couple that we would take them out (didn't run that by me, didn't tell me the plans properly), I told her sorry but that wasn't the arrangement to begin with. She got pissed and cut the call. I haven't called her back. I don't plan on ever making contact with her again. I guess it's a "break up." lame.

 

Funny thing is I don't even feel that bad about it, I'm actually relieved that I can be free from this ball and chain of codependency, that I can now live for me instead of being confused and paranoid about what's going on in this 'RS.'

 

Sad to end 3 years of knowing someone this way. Im going full blown NC.

[OK_computer]

" We work in the same workplace "

... i had the same problem >_< . Never again ...

 

... from what you described ... looks like its a lost cause man .

 

... If she reaches out again, tell her how you feel and if shes not down with your terms, WALK AND NEVER LOOK BACK .

 

There's something so amazing about doing that. I want to do that so badly, and i AM going to that right NOW.

[Push_Through_It]

Personally I think ghosting on someone is cowardly and something better left for the high schoolers. Real adults actually face issues and learn how to handle confrontation instead of vanishing into thin air.

 

You say you can't confront her because she'll deny or make up an excuse but I think the reality is you've already played out her part of the conversation in your head so much that you aren't even willing to give her a chance to speak her own mind. You seem to be such a great communicator that you can play the role of both parties and your unwillingness to openly go to her with your concerns or reasons for breaking it off tells me you don't put a whole lot of value on the past 3 years either.

 

Sounds like you got what you're looking for though. Best of luck with all that resentment you're holding onto.

[266696687]

Personally I think ghosting on someone is cowardly and something better left for the high schoolers. Real adults actually face issues and learn how to handle confrontation instead of vanishing into thin air.

 

You say you can't confront her because she'll deny or make up an excuse but I think the reality is you've already played out her part of the conversation in your head so much that you aren't even willing to give her a chance to speak her own mind. You seem to be such a great communicator that you can play the role of both parties and your unwillingness to openly go to her with your concerns or reasons for breaking it off tells me you don't put a whole lot of value on the past 3 years either.

 

Sounds like you got what you're looking for though. Best of luck with all that resentment you're holding onto.

 

I agree.

 

I think you should call her and tell her it's over. just explain this relationship is no longer working for you. Short and sweet.

 

It would have been better if you could do it person however there doesn't seem much chance of that if you haven't seen her outside of work for three weeks. Telling her at work is not a good option.

[BC1980]

It sounds like ghosting is okay to me. She is making minimal effort here. She's not returning calls, texts, ect. Normally, I wouldn't suggest ghosting, but it seems like she has already been so absent that it wouldn't matter. If you do say anything, a short text is all this requires. I don't even know if this is an actual relationship at this point.

[Brando]

She's already half way out the door. Do whatever you want to...

[red.velvet]

As long as you won't be ghosting/going NC to get a reaction from her - coz u might not.

 

I would just send a text. Then go NC.

[candie13]

Well, after 3 missed calls I called her back. She asks what about plans for lunch today, I said I'm busy--she got pissed because she promised this other couple that we would take them out (didn't run that by me, didn't tell me the plans properly), I told her sorry but that wasn't the arrangement to begin with. She got pissed and cut the call. I haven't called her back. I don't plan on ever making contact with her again. I guess it's a "break up." lame.

 

Funny thing is I don't even feel that bad about it, I'm actually relieved that I can be free from this ball and chain of codependency, that I can now live for me instead of being confused and paranoid about what's going on in this 'RS.'

 

Sad to end 3 years of knowing someone this way. Im going full blown NC.

You are reacting to her poor behavior. It is not a contest to see who is behaving in the most immature way.

 

Call her out on it. Face to face. If she denies it, then you get the confirmation that you cannot have an honest conversation with her and she is an unsuitable partner for an authentic, meaningful connection. So after having a face to face conversation when you will tell her all the things that bother you and hold her responsible for he behaviour, should she go on full denial, then you can respectfully say that you expect more substance from your partner and she's just not what you're looking for. And then leave her.

 

Talk. Confront. Ask for explanations. Then, based on the reaction and information you get, make a decision and share it with her. Ya know... adult style !

[Zapbasket]

When faced with the choice to ghost or to confront, always confront. It's good practice for anything going forward because it is authentic to YOU, requires YOU to be present, forces YOU to face what you are feeling, enables YOU to to go forward knowing YOU truly put it all out there. I don't care how you justify it, ghosting is cowardly and of poor character.

 

Keep it clear, short, and matter-of-fact. It doesn't seem like you're going to get much resistance from her, anyway.

[ilovemefirst]

Honestly, i would tell her how you feel and that you do not appreciate being a second option, where others come first. Right now, shes pissed at you and she has no idea that its because you are upset with her. Be honest and if you have to end it, end it. Dont play games.

[OK_computer]

When faced with the choice to ghost or to confront, always confront. It's good practice for anything going forward because it is authentic to YOU, requires YOU to be present, forces YOU to face what you are feeling, enables YOU to to go forward knowing YOU truly put it all out there. I don't care how you justify it, ghosting is cowardly and of poor character.

 

Keep it clear, short, and matter-of-fact. It doesn't seem like you're going to get much resistance from her, anyway.

 

You've basically abridged everything all the other posters have said. But I don't understand the extremes of this, and this is my logic of what has been said:

 

1. Confront? We've had a few fights before and confronting is 50/50 with her, sometimes she opens up and sometimes she has no replies to the points I make and it's like talking to my shadow.

 

2. If she's not going to resist, and she's already on her way out, why confront in the first place? I'll probably get a few texts/calls, and that's it.

 

 

How is ghosting any different than NC when that person just doesn't give any priority to you anymore? How is it cowardly? I've tried many times to try to make things work, expressed my concerns, with little avail-a few sorries and things are a little better for awhile. I'm not her priority, and she's going to be mine any longer.

 

She cut the call after my convo saying she'll talk to me later, never heard from her again. I've done nothing but try to make things work, and she's just pushing me farther away, and well, I've had enough.

[OK_computer]

When faced with the choice to ghost or to confront, always confront. It's good practice for anything going forward because it is authentic to YOU, requires YOU to be present, forces YOU to face what you are feeling, enables YOU to to go forward knowing YOU truly put it all out there. I don't care how you justify it, ghosting is cowardly and of poor character.

 

Keep it clear, short, and matter-of-fact. It doesn't seem like you're going to get much resistance from her, anyway.

 

 

GreenCove,

 

I'm not trying to be an A$$, but explain to me why it's important to confront this. What is so important in confronting something like this? How will it help me. Explain this to me if you don't mind, i'm not being sarcastic. thanks

[candie13]

You've basically abridged everything all the other posters have said. But I don't understand the extremes of this, and this is my logic of what has been said:

 

1. Confront? We've had a few fights before and confronting is 50/50 with her, sometimes she opens up and sometimes she has no replies to the points I make and it's like talking to my shadow.

 

2. If she's not going to resist, and she's already on her way out, why confront in the first place? I'll probably get a few texts/calls, and that's it.

 

 

How is ghosting any different than NC when that person just doesn't give any priority to you anymore? How is it cowardly? I've tried many times to try to make things work, expressed my concerns, with little avail-a few sorries and things are a little better for awhile. I'm not her priority, and she's going to be mine any longer.

 

She cut the call after my convo saying she'll talk to me later, never heard from her again. I've done nothing but try to make things work, and she's just pushing me farther away, and well, I've had enough.

 

well, maybe because there were simple drops of water you were addressing and now the extra drop overflows the full glass of water?

 

It's one thing to address her not texting - once - or her cutting you off in one conversation to completely giving up on the RS. I feel that if you were together and had a good time, even if it a was long time ago, you should end things properly. I mean, yeah, her behavior is sh*tty.

 

I dunno... I understand why you would be fed up with her and all this charade. I understand why you just want out. But... it is a bit passive aggressive and you are trying to get a reaction out of her - to manipulate her into reacting.

 

So... don't be like her. Don't be anything like her. Cut clean. It takes balls to confront your partner and lead the break up conversation. It is much easier to bail out. Which sort of a man are you ?

[dreamingoftigers]

You've basically abridged everything all the other posters have said. But I don't understand the extremes of this, and this is my logic of what has been said:

 

1. Confront? We've had a few fights before and confronting is 50/50 with her, sometimes she opens up and sometimes she has no replies to the points I make and it's like talking to my shadow.

 

2. If she's not going to resist, and she's already on her way out, why confront in the first place? I'll probably get a few texts/calls, and that's it.

 

 

How is ghosting any different than NC when that person just doesn't give any priority to you anymore? How is it cowardly? I've tried many times to try to make things work, expressed my concerns, with little avail-a few sorries and things are a little better for awhile. I'm not her priority, and she's going to be mine any longer.

 

She cut the call after my convo saying she'll talk to me later, never heard from her again. I've done nothing but try to make things work, and she's just pushing me farther away, and well, I've had enough.

 

Ghosting vs NC is simple: with NC, you've already made clear your stance and now there is a boundary present. It doesn't leave either one of you with accusations or confusion.

 

And frankly, I think that's a basic respect and courtesy to both you and her. You simply say: "this isn't working for me anymore. Best wishes. We had a good run" or whatever. THEN go NC.

 

By just ghosting without any crazy abuse or whatever it is just conflict-avoidant and doesn't show you standing up for yourself or giving the relationship the proper burial it deserves. Plus she may start blowing up your phone etc in a couple of weeks. "Hey why aren't you talking to me " blah blah blah. Cut that crap short now

[Zapbasket]

GreenCove,

 

I'm not trying to be an A$$, but explain to me why it's important to confront this. What is so important in confronting something like this? How will it help me. Explain this to me if you don't mind, i'm not being sarcastic. thanks

 

Because it's important to keep to a standard of behavior that reflects your values and sense of integrity, that you deploy no matter what the other person does. When people are discourteous, for example, it's poor form to be discourteous back. "Two wrongs don't make a right" and all that.

 

In this case, you're not confronting for HER, but for YOU. SHE may have been indifferent to your relationship, but YOU were not. Don't let her devalue what you valued by treating the relationship with the same indifference with which she treated it. You thought you were having a relationship. You then realized that she didn't seem to think the same way, and so you now must withdraw your investment in the relationship you THOUGHT you were having. So the confrontation is in order to honor your perspective. She can respond however she pleases, which might include not responding, but YOU are upholding the same standard of adult conduct and regard for your interactions irrespective of what she does. THAT is integrity.

 

Is that a little clearer? If not, ask and I'll try to do better. I do think it is the mature thing to do to confront, and end it directly.

[candie13]

Ghosting vs NC is simple: with NC, you've already made clear your stance and now there is a boundary present. It doesn't leave either one of you with accusations or confusion.

 

And frankly, I think that's a basic respect and courtesy to both you and her. You simply say: "this isn't working for me anymore. Best wishes. We had a good run" or whatever. THEN go NC.

 

By just ghosting without any crazy abuse or whatever it is just conflict-avoidant and doesn't show you standing up for yourself or giving the relationship the proper burial it deserves. Plus she may start blowing up your phone etc in a couple of weeks. "Hey why aren't you talking to me " blah blah blah. Cut that crap short now

 

yeah, see, maybe the OP wants / hopes to be chased in the future... this is why ghosting is tricky. I mean, it only really works if the dude leaving really couldn't honestly care less about the person left behind. If they are not convinced, if the emotional ties are still there... well, it goes both ways, ain't it? Unless the dude really and honestly doesn't care, it's not ghosting, it's actually "making no move while waiting for the chick to react".

 

I mean, really... my philosophy has always been "piece of mind over a piece of arse".

[Alamo657]

Well I don't know if it's the same thing as NC, maybe you guys can clarify if it is.

 

Short summary:

-loved her more anything she was my bestfriend for 2 years before we started dating which was for about 7 months

-she's no longer making efforts to see me, keeps blowing me off, cancelling dates the day of

-chooses to hang out with her friends over me

-don't see a future, because I keep getting disappointed and my heart ripped out

-last night was the last straw, she was flakey on a lunch plans saying she'd let me know, never did.

-we've barely talked the last 3 weeks--always with her friends and never makes time for me, says she's not in the mood

-some nights idk where she is, i suspect there's another man.

-takes 2 or 3 calls to reach her, meanwhile I'm always on my toes being available--putting her first.

 

I don't want to confront it because she'll deny it or make up and excuse. I loved her sincerely and trusted her, but I feel I cannot anymore. But I don't want to have THE TALK. I just want to go off the radar, no contact.

 

We work in the same workplace, but that's only for another month or so. I figured she'd get the hint when i stop replying to texts/calls and if I see her i'll just say hi if she makes eye contact. Don't want drama. I feel she left me first anyways. Today will be day 1 of NC. I'm a veteran of NC, i've been NC for 3 years with my previous ex, I know I can do it. My heart is so torn by how little importance she gives me.

 

Im done. What do you guys think? Is it immature? I figure if she's this selfish, I might as well be selfish with my heart and emotions as well. What do I do if she tries to contact me? Asks me why I don't talk to her anymore? ignore or communicate why I'm done?

 

She called me today, I didn't pick up. I know it sounds immature, but I want her to know what it's like to be ignored.

 

Look, she is testing the waters with someone else and is keeping you as a backup plan in case. She expects you to break up with her over her attitude, so she can put all the blame on you and come out clean from cheating on you.

 

Seen that attitude so many times from women...

 

You shouldn't ignore her, you should put her in front of her responsabilities and break up with her, that's the only choice you have, and the only choice she is giving you.

[OK_computer]

Ghosting vs NC is simple: with NC, you've already made clear your stance and now there is a boundary present. It doesn't leave either one of you with accusations or confusion.

 

And frankly, I think that's a basic respect and courtesy to both you and her. You simply say: "this isn't working for me anymore. Best wishes. We had a good run" or whatever. THEN go NC.

 

By just ghosting without any crazy abuse or whatever it is just conflict-avoidant and doesn't show you standing up for yourself or giving the relationship the proper burial it deserves. Plus she may start blowing up your phone etc in a couple of weeks. "Hey why aren't you talking to me " blah blah blah. Cut that crap short now

 

She blew up on me for not answering her calls, and calling her back after the 3rd call. This was after a day. But she's never picked up my call on the first time the whole last week. I'm the one that's confused. How can she have those expectations (every other time she's called me i've always picked up, except this time when i was thinking about cutting it).

 

 

This is just so stupid and childish and it stems from the lack of communication. I have to do something about this. I guess.

[candie13]

She blew up on me for not answering her calls, and calling her back after the 3rd call. This was after a day. But she's never picked up my call on the first time the whole last week. I'm the one that's confused. How can she have those expectations (every other time she's called me i've always picked up, except this time when i was thinking about cutting it).

 

 

This is just so stupid and childish and it stems from the lack of communication. I have to do something about this. I guess.

she communicates with you, mate. Not when you want to. Not how you want to. But she is.

 

It's like you're both playing games. Ok, she started it, I give you that, but you weren't much better either, in the end, were you? I guess my point is: it is sh*tty. She is blocking you in this situation by not responding. Fine. Yet... you have a choice. You always have a choice. Choosing to not do anything about it is a choice too. But is this the best choice / most suitable for you ?

[OK_computer]

yeah, see, maybe the OP wants / hopes to be chased in the future... this is why ghosting is tricky. I mean, it only really works if the dude leaving really couldn't honestly care less about the person left behind. If they are not convinced, if the emotional ties are still there... well, it goes both ways, ain't it? Unless the dude really and honestly doesn't care, it's not ghosting, it's actually "making no move while waiting for the chick to react".

 

I mean, really... my philosophy has always been "piece of mind over a piece of arse".

 

I get this, I'm not an idiot. But to clarify I DON'T want to be chased, and I don't have false hopes for the future. But ghosting can come back to bite me, with future conflict/resentments etc. I do care about her, we shared a lot of fond memories, things I could never forget about her and her about me. I still love her, I'm torn and confused over her emotional range and discrepancies. One day she's hot, and one day she's cold and I can't deal with that rollercoaster anymore.

[Push_Through_It]

I think you clearly see the high road and the low road here, now it's just a decision on which one you're going to take. In my own experience I've NEVER once regretted taking the high road because I know it was true to myself and the person that I ultimately want to be. It wasn't in response to anything or anyone else but to my own inner-self.

 

Right now you appear to have an attitude that says "You're making me ghost on you..." when that couldn't be further from the truth. Yes she is being awful and you need to end things but absolutely NOBODY in this world is responsible for your actions other than yourself. By vanishing or ghosting you are giving her all the power and I predict you'll be back on here in a matter of time struggling with the fact that you're now somehow both the "dumper" and the "dumpee" at the same time because you felt forced into dumping her. You aren't being forced - You're making a choice.

 

Do you see a difference in power when I say either of the following:

 

-YOU are making ME break up with you

-I'm not going to tolerate the behavior you've shown in my relationships, we're through

 

Right now it seems (IMO) that you have the mentality that there is NOTHING else you can do but ghost and screw her for even putting you in this position where you're forced to break up with her. You are not breaking up because she's overstepped certain boundaries that you will not tolerate in a partner. Please try to reverse these so that you're leaving on YOUR TERMS.

 

It might be hard to see but ghosting isn't really leaving on your own terms and is just a negative response to her own negative behavior.

[BC1980]

She blew up on me for not answering her calls, and calling her back after the 3rd call. This was after a day. But she's never picked up my call on the first time the whole last week. I'm the one that's confused. How can she have those expectations (every other time she's called me i've always picked up, except this time when i was thinking about cutting it).

 

 

This is just so stupid and childish and it stems from the lack of communication. I have to do something about this. I guess.

 

Just text her something really short and to the point. Say you'd like to end this and won't be contacting her in the future. Frankly, I don't know if you will get a response. I expect it to be one of two extremes. No response, or she will blow up and go nuts on you. For those reasons, I wouldn't advocate that you invest a great deal of time in any message you might send. Confronting her seems ill advised to me, but I can see I'm in the minority on that opinion. I get the idea that we should all be adults and talk stuff out face to face, but I can't see her being open to that type of conversation.

 

From what you have described, I question that she can converse as an adult or that she will actually listen to what you have to say. I'd keep any communication very terse and move on from this quickly.