Im about to ghost on someone..

[Redhead14]

If he's using ghosting as a tool of manipulation, it might work, but he will be living with the same scenario anyway, because he's never addressed his concerns and highlighted her behavior and how it affects him.

 

Communicate, observe response/attempts to accommodate. If nothing changes, you tell them in no uncertain terms, you're moving on and then go No Contact.

[266696687]

Just text her something really short and to the point. Say you'd like to end this and won't be contacting her in the future. Frankly, I don't know if you will get a response. I expect it to be one of two extremes. No response, or she will blow up and go nuts on you. For those reasons, I wouldn't advocate that you invest a great deal of time in any message you might send. Confronting her seems ill advised to me, but I can see I'm in the minority on that opinion. I get the idea that we should all be adults and talk stuff out face to face, but I can't see her being open to that type of conversation.

 

From what you have described, I question that she can converse as an adult or that she will actually listen to what you have to say. I'd keep any communication very terse and move on from this quickly.

 

I agree I don't think a confrontation is going to help the situation (he works with her as well) but a clear and direct communication stating that the relationship is over will end any confusion on both sides. The OP just has to let her know the relationship isn't working for him any longer. A quick explanation that their investment in the relationship doesn't appear to be equal and their communication styles don't appear to be compatible. He doesn't really need to say anymore than that.

 

OP you should act soon as dragging it out will cause further confusion or disagreements. You should just get it over with. To be honest she seems like she has one foot out the door anyway and only wants to communicate with you on her terms.

[Push_Through_It]

If I walked up to each of you in the street today with the question "are you in a relationship" each of you would give me different answers. Shes doesn't even know that she's single right now.

 

You need to tell her so that you can both move on and find people more suitable.

[OK_computer]

I've known her for a very long time...more than 5 years..out of which 3 were more in the intimate level. She still uses the purse I got for her 3 years ago to this day, things like that (idk that probably doesn't mean much). We've worked together for years (we'd joke about us being mulder and scully from the x files).

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is ghosting maybe very cruel/inhumane disrespectful to the bond we shared--or share. I'll try to talk it out, in my own way...i'll try to resolve the issues first, maybe explain to her what needs to change etc...and if she doesn't communicate well...i'll tell her it was a great time and good luck..i'll always be there...then NC.

 

This hurts, but im not torn, like i feel i'll get out of this one just fine...with time. it hurts in a different way than a heartbreak..like..that itchy scab and not stab wound. if that makes sense. sorry about my grammar, i'm tired. despondent.

 

 

 

I'll think over what i need to say..see where it goes...i'm going to do it tonight or tomorrow. definitely.

Edited February 17, 2016 by OK_computer

[candie13]

I get this, I'm not an idiot. But to clarify I DON'T want to be chased, and I don't have false hopes for the future. But ghosting can come back to bite me, with future conflict/resentments etc. I do care about her, we shared a lot of fond memories, things I could never forget about her and her about me. I still love her, I'm torn and confused over her emotional range and discrepancies. One day she's hot, and one day she's cold and I can't deal with that rollercoaster anymore.

I really understand you. You sound like a healthy guy, emotionally speaking.

 

Her acts are toxic and she got you wrapped up pretty hard into her game. See, in my humble opinion, it is very hard to play better games with an experienced player, especially if you're not a player yourself. So the best way of "winning" - if ever we can win anything in such situations - is to not play any games. Really.

 

Cards on the table. Honest and straightforward. Manipulative players are great at making these elaborate twisted schemes but they cannot hide if confronted frontally. Not unless they are sociopaths - and those are really scarce.

 

As I see it, there are 3 options:

- option A: you confront her. Talk to her. And if she's weaseling out of the conversation, call her out on it and break up with her, in all honesty and with all sadness. Like a man. Never to look back. This situation gives you closure - and her as well.

 

- option B: you ghost on her. I mean immediately and with permanent effect. Meaning - dropping her stuff at friends house, blocking her, deleting her from social media, the whole thing. And never ever looking back. That is very hard, because few men have the discipline to never look back and wonder. This situation does not give closure.

- option C: wait around and copy her game strategy. Ghost a little, answer some of her phones, get ghosted a little, get even more annoyed and hurt and generally let her lead her little game and keep waiting around for her to make contact at her whim. You won't lose her, but you won't really have her either. Not to mention your self esteem and heart that will get seriously damaged...

 

 

Seriously, OP, you love her. That is valuable and rare. Do you think she loves you? Is this how a person who genuinely cares about you acts? Or how a selfish and immature girl acts?

 

Pay peanuts and you get monkeys... I think you can do much much better than monkeys, OP. You have a good head on the shoulders and you have your heart in the right place. That is soooooo rare. Really, choose better! Ask more from your partners.

[Push_Through_It]

I've known her for a very long time...more than 5 years..out of which 3 were more in the intimate level. She still uses the purse I got for her 3 years ago to this day, things like that (idk that probably doesn't mean much). We've worked together for years (we'd joke about us being mulder and scully from the x files).

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is ghosting maybe very cruel/inhumane disrespectful to the bond we shared--or share. I'll try to talk it out, in my own way...i'll try to resolve the issues first, maybe explain to her what needs to change etc...and if she doesn't communicate well...i'll tell her it was a great time and good luck..i'll always be there...then NC.

 

This hurts, but im not torn, like i feel i'll get out of this one just fine...with time. it hurts in a different way than a heartbreak..like..that itchy scab and not stab wound. if that makes sense. sorry about my grammar, i'm tired. despondent.

 

 

 

I'll think over what i need to say..see where it goes...i'm going to do it tonight or tomorrow. definitely.

 

I think you're making the right decision. We'll always be here if you need us.

[266696687]

I've known her for a very long time...more than 5 years..out of which 3 were more in the intimate level. She still uses the purse I got for her 3 years ago to this day, things like that (idk that probably doesn't mean much). We've worked together for years (we'd joke about us being mulder and scully from the x files).

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is ghosting maybe very cruel/inhumane disrespectful to the bond we shared--or share. I'll try to talk it out, in my own way...i'll try to resolve the issues first, maybe explain to her what needs to change etc...and if she doesn't communicate well...i'll tell her it was a great time and good luck..i'll always be there...then NC.

 

This hurts, but im not torn, like i feel i'll get out of this one just fine...with time. it hurts in a different way than a heartbreak..like..that itchy scab and not stab wound. if that makes sense. sorry about my grammar, i'm tired. despondent.

 

 

 

I'll think over what i need to say..see where it goes...i'm going to do it tonight or tomorrow. definitely.

 

Why do you want another conversation with her about how things need to change? She isn't communicating with you right now. She hasn't been for weeks. What is another conversation going to change in reality? She's already backing out of the relationship. This is only going to cause more drama in the long run. Making demands on someone who already has one foot out the door isn't going to end well.

 

You seem to want to hold on to this girl regardless of the fact that the relationship really isn't working for both of you. Not to mention that her behaviour has been mostly unacceptable from what you've said above. Why do you want to keep offering someone more chances to walk all over you?

 

The longer you leave it the more angry / resentful you are both going to get.

 

Yes breakups are hard but you have to suck it up and do what needs to be done so you can both move on. You seem to want to drag it out with ghosting / not telling her. What are you waiting for?

[OK_computer]

Because it's important to keep to a standard of behavior that reflects your values and sense of integrity, that you deploy no matter what the other person does. When people are discourteous, for example, it's poor form to be discourteous back. "Two wrongs don't make a right" and all that.

 

In this case, you're not confronting for HER, but for YOU. SHE may have been indifferent to your relationship, but YOU were not. Don't let her devalue what you valued by treating the relationship with the same indifference with which she treated it. You thought you were having a relationship. You then realized that she didn't seem to think the same way, and so you now must withdraw your investment in the relationship you THOUGHT you were having. So the confrontation is in order to honor your perspective. She can respond however she pleases, which might include not responding, but YOU are upholding the same standard of adult conduct and regard for your interactions irrespective of what she does. THAT is integrity.

 

Is that a little clearer? If not, ask and I'll try to do better. I do think it is the mature thing to do to confront, and end it directly.

 

GC,

 

Thanks for the clarification. I totally understand what you're saying now and it makes much more sense. Since she had value to me, i should end things or treat it with the value it/she when I want to end things--in accordance with my own moral compass. I guess I should be the adult! I guess I should show respect for her as a person, and that's why I should clarify rather than ghost.

 

I'll take that bit to the grave, it seems like a very wise and almost heavenly piece of advice when dealing with interpersonal relationships of any degree.

 

Thanks

 

Alex

[OK_computer]

Why do you want another conversation with her about how things need to change? She isn't communicating with you right now. She hasn't been for weeks. What is another conversation going to change in reality? She's already backing out of the relationship. This is only going to cause more drama in the long run. Making demands on someone who already has one foot out the door isn't going to end well.

 

You seem to want to hold on to this girl regardless of the fact that the relationship really isn't working for both of you. Not to mention that her behaviour has been mostly unacceptable from what you've said above. Why do you want to keep offering someone more chances to walk all over you?

 

The longer you leave it the more angry / resentful you are both going to get.

 

Yes breakups are hard but you have to suck it up and do what needs to be done so you can both move on. You seem to want to drag it out with ghosting / not telling her. What are you waiting for?

 

 

Because I love her so much and i'm so scared of losing her and I know deep down i've lost her. And I feel frozen with fear and paralyzed as to what to do next. I've never broken up with another person before, they're always broken up with me (all 6 of my previous RSs).

[NopeNah]

She got pissed and cut the call. I haven't called her back. I don't plan on ever making contact with her again. I guess it's a "break up." lame.

 

Funny thing is I don't even feel that bad about it, I'm actually relieved that I can be free from this ball and chain of codependency, that I can now live for me instead of being confused and paranoid about what's going on in this 'RS.'

 

I'm kinda at the same crossroad. I had my first day off since feb 1 yesterday(she was off too),but I chose to get some tattoo work done instead of setting in a bar watching her drink/gamble(something she was suppose to cut back on!). She got pissed and hung up on me. I didn't answer her calls last night and not sure if will today. I've already raised one child.

[266696687]

Because I love her so much and i'm so scared of losing her and I know deep down i've lost her. And I feel frozen with fear and paralyzed as to what to do next. I've never broken up with another person before, they're always broken up with me (all 6 of my previous RSs).

 

Yes but trying to hang on to her when she is backing away isn't going to change the outcome. You're the only one making any effort to try and fix things. Relationships take two to work. Her lack of effort shows her intentions. Why not leave the relationship with dignity and respect on your terms rather than waiting for her to put the final nail in the coffin when you try to fix things again.

 

If she wanted to work things out with you she would be trying to contact you now to talk your issues out. It doesn't sound like she is doing that.

 

It doesn't sound like you've gotten much in return for your devotion and loyalty. You shouldn't allow someone to walk all over you then offer them more chances to do the same again. A relationship is 50/50 and its seems like you are the only one putting in the effort.

 

I'm sorry but I think you should end it. Your fear is just making you wait for her to do it or for her to finally put some effort in. Your in limbo waiting to see what she will do rather than taking control of the situation and standing up for yourself and what you know is right.

Edited February 17, 2016 by 266696687

[OK_computer]

I really understand you. You sound like a healthy guy, emotionally speaking.

 

Her acts are toxic and she got you wrapped up pretty hard into her game. See, in my humble opinion, it is very hard to play better games with an experienced player, especially if you're not a player yourself. So the best way of "winning" - if ever we can win anything in such situations - is to not play any games. Really.

 

Cards on the table. Honest and straightforward. Manipulative players are great at making these elaborate twisted schemes but they cannot hide if confronted frontally. Not unless they are sociopaths - and those are really scarce.

 

As I see it, there are 3 options:

- option A: you confront her. Talk to her. And if she's weaseling out of the conversation, call her out on it and break up with her, in all honesty and with all sadness. Like a man. Never to look back. This situation gives you closure - and her as well.

 

- option B: you ghost on her. I mean immediately and with permanent effect. Meaning - dropping her stuff at friends house, blocking her, deleting her from social media, the whole thing. And never ever looking back. That is very hard, because few men have the discipline to never look back and wonder. This situation does not give closure.

- option C: wait around and copy her game strategy. Ghost a little, answer some of her phones, get ghosted a little, get even more annoyed and hurt and generally let her lead her little game and keep waiting around for her to make contact at her whim. You won't lose her, but you won't really have her either. Not to mention your self esteem and heart that will get seriously damaged...

 

 

Seriously, OP, you love her. That is valuable and rare. Do you think she loves you? Is this how a person who genuinely cares about you acts? Or how a selfish and immature girl acts?

 

Pay peanuts and you get monkeys... I think you can do much much better than monkeys, OP. You have a good head on the shoulders and you have your heart in the right place. That is soooooo rare. Really, choose better! Ask more from your partners.

 

Thanks Candie,

 

I appreciate the kind words. I try to be a real person-and mindful. However I can also be naive in situations such as this. I just need to be able to gauge another persons emotions to predict how I will react or approach a situation-systematic but also empathetic. But she's fluctuating like a radiowaves haha.

 

I used to have dachund through my childhood years. When she was 12 (I was 15), we had to put her to sleep and the whole car ride to the vet she was wagging her tail. I relate the end of this RS to be similar but I don't know who's who in that story.

[OK_computer]

Yes but trying to hang on to her when she is backing away isn't going to change the outcome. You're the only one making any effort to try and fix things. Relationships take two to work. Her lack of effort shows her intentions. Why not leave the relationship with dignity and respect on your terms rather than waiting for her to put the final nail in the coffin when you try to fix things again.

 

If she wanted to work things out with you she would be trying to contact you now to talk your issues out. It doesn't sound like she is doing that.

 

It doesn't sound like you've gotten much in return for your devotion and loyalty. You shouldn't allow someone to walk all over you then offer them more chances to do the same again. A relationship is 50/50 and its seems like you are the only one putting in the effort.

 

I'm sorry but I think you should end it. Your fear is just making you wait for her to do it or for her to finally put some effort in. Your in limbo waiting to see what she will do rather than taking control of the situation and standing up for yourself and what you know is right.

 

 

I will probably read this 10 times today-memorize it-and realize it. This is definitely a very profound post. Thank you. Really, I mean it. It's a very powerful perspective.

[candie13]

Thanks Candie,

 

I appreciate the kind words. I try to be a real person-and mindful. However I can also be naive in situations such as this. I just need to be able to gauge another persons emotions to predict how I will react or approach a situation-systematic but also empathetic. But she's fluctuating like a radiowaves haha.

 

I used to have dachund through my childhood years. When she was 12 (I was 15), we had to put her to sleep and the whole car ride to the vet she was wagging her tail. I relate the end of this RS to be similar but I don't know who's who in that story.

I think this is the issue with good, empathic people. We project the way we are to the rest of the world, instead of seeing them as they really are. Try to really see the person in front of you. You will do both them and yourself a big favor.

 

IT is behavior that shows the true nature of a person. Not their good heart. Behavior and words. Past behavior predicts future behavior.

 

I am really sorry for that big dog and his will to live. But just like with him... would you rather see it hollowing in pain day and night? Tough decisions are really difficult to make and live with. The only consolation we have is that we took the best decision in our power. You could not save your dachund anymore than you can save your gf. She will hurt you much much more on the long run, just like the dog would have hurt much more...

 

It takes strength and determination and conviction to do it. You need to be convinced. It sounds like you're grieving. Don't push yourself just yet. Give yourself time, you have this luxury. And then when you are ready, just... be decisive and quick.

 

Remember, you are not doing this to punish your gf or manipulate her, you are simply watching out for your heart.

[ForwardFocused]

GC,

 

Thanks for the clarification. I totally understand what you're saying now and it makes much more sense. Since she had value to me, i should end things or treat it with the value it/she when I want to end things--in accordance with my own moral compass. I guess I should be the adult! I guess I should show respect for her as a person, and that's why I should clarify rather than ghost.

 

I'll take that bit to the grave, it seems like a very wise and almost heavenly piece of advice when dealing with interpersonal relationships of any degree.

 

Thanks

 

Alex

 

This post really hit home for me. I would not suggest ghosting.

 

More than a year ago, I made the decision to ghost on my then boyfriend, who too was no longer making an effort in our relationship and was being very indifferent towards spending time with me.

 

The last straw for me was when he was silent for 3 whole months (the silence affected me greatly, but while he was silent I decided to not say a word and see how long it would take for him to contact me). When he finally did (after 3 months), he blame-shifted and said that he had not heard from ME in a long time and asked me 'what had he done'. It was so bizarre to me that he said this. You have not communicated with to your girlfriend in months, and when you finally lift a finger to contact her, the first thing you say is not "Are you ok?", but 'I have not heard from you, what have I done?'

 

After receiving that message, I ghosted. I too did not want to have the talk, confront, or argue because I felt he would blame-shift some more and I did not want to hear it. Not only that, I had some information about him (cheating) that I was very hurt about and I did not want to confront him about that either because I found out through snooping (which would also lead to more shifting of blame and turning of tables on me). His heart was clearly not fully in the relationship like mine, his foot was out the door, so I just left.

 

Do I wish I never ghosted and took the high road? Yes. Looking back, I realize that I let resentment and anger get in the way of being true to myself. Honestly, I valued our relationship so much. He was my first love. Personally, I value open communication, I value honesty...so it was out of character for me to ghost. As GreenCove said, I did not keep to a standard of behavior that reflects my values and sense of integrity. I chose to take the low road and ignore his attempts (though they were few and far between) at contacting me. I was so upset, and subconsciously, I was being passive aggressive because I wanted him to make more of an effort to get in touch with me and I wanted him to actually ask me to talk, (he was not consistent and the calls he made to me were weeks/months apart).

 

I still think of him and I still want to reach out to him to explain why I ghosted, but I've been told that it is much too late for that and I should remain no contact. I think if you choose to ghost, initially you will feel relieved, but eventually you'll start to feel some guilt about it.

 

Don't do what I did. End things directly.

[mightycpa]

Because I love her so much and i'm so scared of losing her and I know deep down i've lost her. And I feel frozen with fear and paralyzed as to what to do next. I've never broken up with another person before, they're always broken up with me (all 6 of my previous RSs).

You're due. Pop your cherry. It's not going to kill you to look her in the eye and tell her it's over. You'll feel better about it in the long run.

[OK_computer]

A little update guys, after the fight 2 days ago, she hasn't shown up for work nor is answering her calls. Her friends don't know where she is (maybe they're defending her), and they're also giving me weird looks.

 

Idk what to do.

 

Should I end things with a short text message instead? like:

 

"Hey, I don't think this is working out anymore. I'm moving on with my life. I've been putting in more effort than you and I can't do that anymore. Good luck with your career/life etc. "

Edited February 19, 2016 by OK_computer
grammar

[mightycpa]

Nope. This can wait if she's MIA. You owe it to yourself to giver her a good, old-fashioned face-to-face breakup.

[Zapbasket]

Nope. This can wait if she's MIA. You owe it to yourself to giver her a good, old-fashioned face-to-face breakup.

 

Second this.

[Frank13]

 

Should I end things with a short text message instead? like:

 

I have read through this thread and am amazed as this was my story a few years ago. Let me give you my input based on experience, something a lot of the others who replied don't have with this situation.

 

She is not in a relationship with you. She is selfish and all you are is her ego stroke and doormat. This is all so evident by the fact she doesn't contact you for long periods of time (not in a relationship) and gets mad when you blow her off (selfishness).

 

Since she is not in a relationship, there is nothing to ghost. You don't owe her anything like you would if she was committed and you wanted out.

 

In this case ghosting is what you should be doing. Have some dignity and self respect. Ghosting is not to get her back or to hurt her. You simply have had enough so it is time to cut her out. It's like giving a sandwich to a homeless guy every day for a year, but every day when you give it to him you see the one you gave him yesterday in the trash uneaten. You simply stop giving him anymore sandwiches. No need or reason to tell him that you are stopping or why.

 

In my case when I finally had enough, I ghosted her and I got a nasty email saying she doesn't have time for me. I wasn't sure if this was her way of giving me the finger or if she was just dumb thinking this would make me want to contact her. Of course hearing that just pushed me away more. Either way I was done and there was no going back so I didn't reply.

 

The following day I got a voicemail asking me to please answer my phone. I didn't and didn't contact her. Then nothing until 3 weeks later when I got an email saying she misses me. I remained no contact and never heard from her again. No blowing up my phone. No coming to my house and knocking on my door. She simply didn't care, which I knew and is why I ghosted her.

 

You have nothing to lose by ghosting her. She won't care in the least. She will probably be relieved. If ghosting her was wrong and she really wants you, she knows how to find you.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Frank13

[Frank13]

This post really hit home for me. I would not suggest ghosting.

 

More than a year ago, I made the decision to ghost on my then boyfriend, who too was no longer making an effort in our relationship and was being very indifferent towards spending time with me.....

 

.....His heart was clearly not fully in the relationship like mine, his foot was out the door, so I just left.

 

Do I wish I never ghosted and took the high road? Yes. Looking back, I realize that I let resentment and anger get in the way of being true to myself. Honestly, I valued our relationship so much. He was my first love. Personally, I value open communication, I value honesty...so it was out of character for me to ghost. As GreenCove said, I did not keep to a standard of behavior that reflects my values and sense of integrity. I chose to take the low road and ignore his attempts (though they were few and far between) at contacting me. I was so upset, and subconsciously, I was being passive aggressive because I wanted him to make more of an effort to get in touch with me and I wanted him to actually ask me to talk, (he was not consistent and the calls he made to me were weeks/months apart).

 

I still think of him and I still want to reach out to him to explain why I ghosted, but I've been told that it is much too late for that and I should remain no contact. I think if you choose to ghost, initially you will feel relieved, but eventually you'll start to feel some guilt about it.

 

Don't do what I did. End things directly.

 

This makes absolutely no sense to me. It's like walking down the street and being beaten and robbed and then feeling bad because you didn't apologize to the robber for being a victim.

[Frank13]

Why do you want another conversation with her about how things need to change? She isn't communicating with you right now. She hasn't been for weeks. What is another conversation going to change in reality? She's already backing out of the relationship. This is only going to cause more drama in the long run. Making demands on someone who already has one foot out the door isn't going to end well.

 

You seem to want to hold on to this girl regardless of the fact that the relationship really isn't working for both of you. Not to mention that her behaviour has been mostly unacceptable from what you've said above. Why do you want to keep offering someone more chances to walk all over you?

 

The longer you leave it the more angry / resentful you are both going to get.

 

Yes breakups are hard but you have to suck it up and do what needs to be done so you can both move on. You seem to want to drag it out with ghosting / not telling her. What are you waiting for?

 

Exactly. Someone who gets it. Why do so many people replying to this thread not see this? Just ghost and move on with your life.

[mightycpa]

Exactly. Someone who gets it. Why do so many people replying to this thread not see this? Just ghost and move on with your life.

I think you misunderstood this:

 

(1)Yes breakups are hard but you have to suck it up and do what needs to be done so you can both move on.

 

(2)You seem to want to drag it out with ghosting / not telling her.

 

Personally, the only time I ever ghosted is when I wasn't interested. If I was, but I was being toyed with, the right move was always to shut it down. That's just my experience.

[Frank13]

I think you misunderstood this:

Personally, the only time I ever ghosted is when I wasn't interested. If I was, but I was being toyed with, the right move was always to shut it down. That's just my experience.

 

Ghosting is shutting it down. It's shutting it down with dignity and self respect. What's with all the drama, having a talk, or breaking up the right way when someone doesn't give a rat's behind about you? It just makes you look like a fool.

 

So you ghosted when you should have talked to the person and broken up the right way, but when you were being toyed with you felt the need to talk to them and end it properly? That doesn't make sense.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Frank13

[Frank13]

Some of the replies here are like from the twilight zone.

 

Every day I wave to my mailman and he gives me the finger. Should I just stop waving to him or should I have a long talk with him and explain why I am no longer going to wave to him?

 

If someone doesn't care about you, you don't owe them anything. You don't need to have a talk with them. There is no right way to break up with them. They don't care about you and they don't care if you ghost them. In fact they would prefer it so they don't have to tell you to your face how they don't care about you.