Im about to ghost on someone..

[BC1980]

She is not in a relationship with you. She is selfish and all you are is her ego stroke and doormat. This is all so evident by the fact she doesn't contact you for long periods of time (not in a relationship) and gets mad when you blow her off (selfishness).

 

Since she is not in a relationship, there is nothing to ghost. You don't owe her anything like you would if she was committed and you wanted out.

 

^^^This. From the beginning, I have felt that she doesn't think she is in an actual relationship with the OP. She doesn't call for days, and, now, she is MIA for 2 days. WTH? If this were an actual relationship between 2 adults, I think he could have a sit down with her. At this point, who knows if she will even show up? I think the best thing to do is text (or you could do it face to face if she shows back up) a very short message stating that you are done.

 

I really have doubts she would even show up for a face to face breakup because she seems so erratic and unstable. I agree that face to face is a sign of respect, and I don't advocate treating someone as badly as they treat you. But this situation is bonkers. I just feel like it might be best for the OP to extricate himself as quickly and as easily as possible.

 

OP, if you do this face to face, where do you plan on doing it?

[mightycpa]

Ghosting is shutting it down. It's shutting it down with dignity and self respect. What's with all the drama, having a talk, or breaking up the right way when someone doesn't give a rat's behind about you? It just makes you look like a fool.

 

So you ghosted when you should have talked to the person and broken up the right way, but when you were being toyed with you felt the need to talk to them and end it properly? That doesn't make sense.

Sorry Frank, I don't think I was clear.

 

If I was being toyed with, then there was a relationship of some kind, and a very unhealthy one at that. I had interest, and rather than say yes or no, I was being yanked along on a string. To me, ghosting in that circumstance is the "run-away crying" move. Also, to me, "shutting it down" doesn't mean "having a talk". Shutting it down is more like firing someone, or issuing a proclamation or maybe even laying down the law. It is more of a one-way conversation, not a debate or a discussion.

 

I ghosted when I was NOT INTERESTED, not when I was NO LONGER INTERESTED. I always broke up properly. Ghosting was used when I went out once or twice and didn't feel the need to pursue it any further. In other words, I ghosted when there really was no relationship of any kind other than maybe a couple of dates. If I was continuously called after ghosting, which happened occasionally, then I switched gears and went with shutting it down to give my decision some finality.

 

That's what I meant. You can't go wrong with clarity and purpose.

[Zahara]

-she's no longer making efforts to see me, keeps blowing me off, cancelling dates the day of

-chooses to hang out with her friends over me

-don't see a future, because I keep getting disappointed and my heart ripped out

-last night was the last straw, she was flakey on a lunch plans saying she'd let me know, never did.

-we've barely talked the last 3 weeks--always with her friends and never makes time for me, says she's not in the mood

-some nights idk where she is, i suspect there's another man.

-takes 2 or 3 calls to reach her, meanwhile I'm always on my toes being available--putting her first.

 

Personally, I don't think you owe her any explanations or the courtesy of a proper break-up when she's never considered you as stated in bold. With her behavior, I think she will probably not even care. At this point, you do what works best for you.

 

Ghost her if you want to or a short text ending it, and that means you're over and done with the relationship and will not engage in any type of communication with her. Move on with your life.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Zahara

[ForwardFocused]

This makes absolutely no sense to me. It's like walking down the street and being beaten and robbed and then feeling bad because you didn't apologize to the robber for being a victim.

 

I was in a relationship with this person for 7 years and I ghosted on him. Looking back on the relationship, yes he treated me very badly, but a part of me feels like I should have sent him a message to tell him that it is over and leave it there.

 

The truth of the matter is that I would not want someone to ghost on me. I would prefer the courtesy of being broken up with directly, so ghosting on him (no matter how much resentment and anger I felt back then) was not being true to my values. Telling him it is over would have been something I would have done for myself (as it would have helped with the moving on process for me in the long run)- not for him.

 

So in my opinion, ending it directly is not about owing the person something- it is all about what the OP feels is best for him and what he is sure he will feel most at peace with months from now.

[Miss Peach]

Personally I think ghosting on someone is cowardly and something better left for the high schoolers. Real adults actually face issues and learn how to handle confrontation instead of vanishing into thin air.

 

Totally agree with this. I was ghosted by at guy at 4 months and it hurt and was confusing. It wasn't so much that I lost him. It hurt as much as it did because of the way he did it. Especially after wanting to meet my child, telling me ILY, etc. I couldn't imagine it by a guy I knew 3 years and had dated for many months. I've run into guys who have ghosted me. Some wanted second chances with me. IMO it's always best to leave a relationship with your head help high than to act like a coward.

 

It doesn't have to be dramatic. Just next time you talk tell her it's not working for you and you need to move on. If she draws out the conversation make an excuse to get off and go. THEN go NC.

 

I only recommend ghosting as an option in cases of abuse.

[Frank13]

Personally, I don't think you owe her any explanations or the courtesy of a proper break-up when she's never considered you as stated in bold. With her behavior, I think she will probably not even care. At this point, you do what works best for you.

 

Ghost her if you want to or a short text ending it, and that means you're over and done with the relationship and will not engage in any type of communication with her. Move on with your life.

 

This is the best reply and the bold part is exactly right. With some people there comes a point where they are not even worth the time and effort it takes to tell them they are not worth your time and effort.

[Frank13]

I was in a relationship with this person for 7 years and I ghosted on him. Looking back on the relationship, yes he treated me very badly, but a part of me feels like I should have sent him a message to tell him that it is over and leave it there.

 

The truth of the matter is that I would not want someone to ghost on me. I would prefer the courtesy of being broken up with directly, so ghosting on him (no matter how much resentment and anger I felt back then) was not being true to my values. Telling him it is over would have been something I would have done for myself (as it would have helped with the moving on process for me in the long run)- not for him.

 

So in my opinion, ending it directly is not about owing the person something- it is all about what the OP feels is best for him and what he is sure he will feel most at peace with months from now.

 

Fair enough. I am okay with doing what is right for you and in this case I think the op was leaning towards ghosting as that is the topic.

 

In my case I knew 100% she didn't care, and more importantly knew she couldn't care less if I disappeared. There was nothing left to talk about or say. I think the only reason she tried to contact me a couple times was that she didn't want to look like a totally uncaring person.

 

If I was committed to someone and in a relationship, I wouldn't want to be ghosted but if I didn't care about them, it wouldn't bother me. I don't need any courtesy or explanation. Their silence says it all.

 

Did the guy you ghosted every try to contact you or did he just let it go?

[Frank13]

Totally agree with this. I was ghosted by at guy at 4 months and it hurt and was confusing. It wasn't so much that I lost him. It hurt as much as it did because of the way he did it. Especially after wanting to meet my child, telling me ILY, etc. I couldn't imagine it by a guy I knew 3 years and had dated for many months. I've run into guys who have ghosted me. Some wanted second chances with me. IMO it's always best to leave a relationship with your head help high than to act like a coward.

 

It doesn't have to be dramatic. Just next time you talk tell her it's not working for you and you need to move on. If she draws out the conversation make an excuse to get off and go. THEN go NC.

 

I only recommend ghosting as an option in cases of abuse.

 

Your circumstances are totally different than the OPs. In your case it sounds like you cared about him and probably didn't want the break up. In the OPs case, she doesn't care. Ghosting will not hurt her at all. She simply doesn't care. There is nothing for the OP to say that will matter to her. She is simply not worth any more of his time, effort, or energy.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Frank13

[BC1980]

Personally, I don't think you owe her any explanations or the courtesy of a proper break-up when she's never considered you as stated in bold. With her behavior, I think she will probably not even care. At this point, you do what works best for you.

 

Ghost her if you want to or a short text ending it, and that means you're over and done with the relationship and will not engage in any type of communication with her. Move on with your life.

 

Exactly what I was thinking when I read the OP's first post. He is the one who is invested, and she is playing games. She has one foot in this relationship. It's kind of telling when you might have to hunt someone down to do a face to face breakup or wonder if they will even respond to a breakup over text. If I thought she was invested and cared how he broke it off, I'd tell him to do a sit down, face to face.

[266696687]

Exactly. Someone who gets it. Why do so many people replying to this thread not see this? Just ghost and move on with your life.

 

I wasn't suggesting he ghost her. I was suggesting he just ends it short and to the point. No conversation just a statement that the relationship was over. At this point with her being MIA even a text will do (I don't agree with text dumping but in this case he doesn't really have a choice). She has clearly checked out of the relationship already.

 

It's always best to end a relationship properly. Ghosting is a cowards way out.

 

I think even she will be surprised by the OP's courage to finally stand up for himself and it might even shock her that he isn't waiting around like a doormat waiting for her to show up again.

 

There's two reasons for him to end this relationship and both will benefit the OP.

[BC1980]

It's always best to end a relationship properly. Ghosting is a cowards way out.

 

I don't think ghosting is cowardly in this situation. I think it's cowardly when you are in a relationship with a person who is committed, and you know it will crush the person. It's cowardly if you don't want to face the person because you can't stand being the bad guy. I don't feel like any of this applies to the OP's situation. I don't even think he's in a proper relationship with this woman, and he is the forced dumper. It's not like she is going to care or be surprised by this.

 

Having principles can be tricky because they don't take into account the nuances in all situations. I agree that he should send a short text for his own piece of mind and to make sure she leaves him alone in the future.

[Zahara]

If I thought she was invested and cared how he broke it off, I'd tell him to do a sit down, face to face.

 

Right BC. I thought the same thing. Extending respect and care to someone who is deserving of an explanation is one thing but going through this much angst over someone in terms of how to appropriately handle the ending when they haven't treated you respectfully and has likely checked out of the relationship is a different story. At best, a simple text should suffice. No need to expend anymore energy and emotion in someone that doesn't care. No need to prove himself to her as to whether she thinks he's a coward or not. The only thing he needs to focus on from this point is moving on from her.

[266696687]

I don't think ghosting is cowardly in this situation. I think it's cowardly when you are in a relationship with a person who is committed, and you know it will crush the person. It's cowardly if you don't want to face the person because you can't stand being the bad guy. I don't feel like any of this applies to the OP's situation. I don't even think he's in a proper relationship with this woman, and he is the forced dumper. It's not like she is going to care or be surprised by this.

 

Having principles can be tricky because they don't take into account the nuances in all situations. I agree that he should send a short text for his own piece of mind and to make sure she leaves him alone in the future.

 

it was a relationship to the OP that's what's important here. (She was the OP's best friend for a number of years before they dated).

 

I agree he is a forced dumper and the actual dumping is more for him even if it is by text.

 

It'll give him a form of closure and an official end.

The end will be on his terms not waiting around for her next move, if / when she might show up again.

It might take her down a peg or two. She had neither the decency, courage or respect to do it. If she is trying to ghost him she might be surprised when she finds herself dumped.

It'll hopefully discourage her from attempting to come back at any point.

Edited February 20, 2016 by 266696687

[Frank13]

At best, a simple text should suffice. No need to expend anymore energy and emotion in someone that doesn't care. No need to prove himself to her as to whether she thinks he's a coward or not. The only thing he needs to focus on from this point is moving on from her.

 

Totally agree. Another thing, if he does send the text, I think he will be surprised when she replies with "Okay" or "I understand". When you care about someone and want to fight for them but they reply with something like that, it just makes you feel even worse.

 

Sometimes it is better to ghost and wonder if they cared than to have them remove all doubt with an uncaring reply.

[266696687]

Totally agree. Another thing, if he does send the text, I think he will be surprised when she replies with "Okay" or "I understand". When you care about someone and want to fight for them but they reply with something like that, it just makes you feel even worse.

 

Sometimes it is better to ghost and wonder if they cared than to have them remove all doubt with an uncaring reply.

 

They work in the same place so ghosting isn't really going to work. They will see each other. She's just currently avoiding the OP (showing she's a coward) rather than just ending things like an adult.

[266696687]

Totally agree. Another thing, if he does send the text, I think he will be surprised when she replies with "Okay" or "I understand". When you care about someone and want to fight for them but they reply with something like that, it just makes you feel even worse.

 

Sometimes it is better to ghost and wonder if they cared than to have them remove all doubt with an uncaring reply.

 

This is your fear! You'd rather not know the answer and waste your time wondering if they cared. I personally would rather know. At least if you get an uncaring reply you won't waste your life 'wondering' if they cared at all.

[Frank13]

 

I agree he is a forced dumper and the actual dumping is more for him even if it is by text.

 

It'll give him a form of closure and an official end.

 

Same with ghosting

 

The end will be on his terms not waiting around for her next move, if / when she might show up again.

 

Same with ghosting.

 

It might take her down a peg or two.

 

Even more so with ghosting as it says she wasn't even worth a texts saying it's over.

 

She had neither the decency, courage or respect to do it. If she is trying to ghost him she might be surprised when she finds herself dumped.

It'll hopefully discourage her from attempting to come back at any point.

 

Same with ghosting.

 

Texting is like asking for a reply. Ghosting lets her know he is no longer interested in continuing and is so done she isn't even worth telling her.

[salparadise]

Since she is not in a relationship, there is nothing to ghost. You don't owe her anything like you would if she was committed and you wanted out.

 

It's always best to end a relationship properly. Ghosting is a cowards way out.

 

I agree wth Frank. If she's not showing you respect, not acting like a girlfriend, not giving you the time of day, then you don't owe her a big pronouncement. Doing so would just be giving her the opportunity to show you more disrespect. Hell, she might not even notice she's being ghosted for a month or two.

 

However, I would only do this if respect has broken down. If she weren't treating you like the hired help then it wouldn't be appropriate.

[Frank13]

This is your fear! You'd rather not know the answer and waste your time wondering if they cared. I personally would rather know. At least if you get an uncaring reply you won't waste your life 'wondering' if they cared at all.

 

Nope, not a fear at all. At this point he knows she doesn't care. What I actually meant was that it might be easier for him thinking she might care just a tiny little bit (but not nearly enough to change the situation) than for her to get the final shot in saying she doesn't.

[266696687]

Nope, not a fear at all. At this point he knows she doesn't care. What I actually meant was that it might be easier for him thinking she might care just a tiny little bit (but not nearly enough to change the situation) than for her to get the final shot in saying she doesn't.

 

He cannot ghost her completely. They work at the same place. She'll have ample opportunity for any final shots she may want to dish out regardless.

 

We clearly won't agree on this but I still don't think ghosting is the way to go so we'll have to agree to disagree in this instance.

 

The OP will have to decide what's best for him.

Edited February 20, 2016 by 266696687

[OK_computer]

Another update guys: (I've been reading this thread and a lot of it after my previous update really is hitting close to home)

 

I called her 2 times today and 2 times yesterday, no replies. She updated her whatsapp status and profile pic, and never bothered to call me back. I texted her where have you been and that I called, and she had been out the last 2 days with family with no phone near her (I smell BS) to which i replied ok, she asked me why I called. I never replied.

 

She really doesn't care what happens, and the more I have been reading Frank13's posts, it fearfully applies to me. She just doesn't care anymore. And the more I stick around..the deeper I get into this mess.

 

I don't feel it's worth an explanation or a proper break up speech at this point. I know if I text her I'm done, she'll just reply with 'okay,' so I want to save my self respect. I just want to be done, to move on, and to heal from this ASAP. I don't feel i was even in an RS now...she just slowly faded away, as if she's the one that ghosted on me.

 

I've been trying my best to be a bigger person, but this point I think ghosting on her is the only way to do so. If she ever contacts me again I'll tell her I'm done.

 

At this point, I feel that she's not even worth the a proper good bye or break up text. But I keep wavering on the 'f u good bye' text or ghosting. In my case silence and moving on might be better, she doesn't deserve a formal good bye. I might say i'm done if she ever reaches out to me again sometime. She's just so unstable, immature, and probably has someone else. I'm unable to think clearly.

[ForwardFocused]

Fair enough. I am okay with doing what is right for you and in this case I think the op was leaning towards ghosting as that is the topic.

 

In my case I knew 100% she didn't care, and more importantly knew she couldn't care less if I disappeared. There was nothing left to talk about or say. I think the only reason she tried to contact me a couple times was that she didn't want to look like a totally uncaring person.

 

If I was committed to someone and in a relationship, I wouldn't want to be ghosted but if I didn't care about them, it wouldn't bother me. I don't need any courtesy or explanation. Their silence says it all.

 

Did the guy you ghosted every try to contact you or did he just let it go?

 

 

He initially contacted me on Christmas day 2014 (saying that he had not heard from me, asked what he had done, etc.). This was the day I decided, no more, I am done, I am NOT responding to him. Initially I did not intend to ghost. It was more along the lines of me wanting him to feel that he is losing me, step up in a profound way, apologize, acknowledge his disappearance and actually care enough to maturely ask to talk to me to find out what was going on with me. I wanted to see and feel a profound attempt on his part.

 

To summarize, yes he tried contacting me about 8 times within the entire year of 2015. Most of these attempts were phone calls. All attempts were a week to a few months apart. Never consistent and not with any urgency or fight to not lose the relationship.

 

He also sent me texts which consisted of : I hope you are ok, I see you have blocked my number, I understand, why am I being ignored and another one asking me if I want him to stop calling my number. I want to add here that throughout the year I broke my silence twice. I was not a complete ghost. (1) I called him back after he called me one night and (2) I accidentally called him on whatsapp – both of which he did not pick up and the kicker is that he never contacted me back the next day or even the next month after those two times. THIS is when I should have sent him a message to say I am DONE with him and the relationship and never look back, but I didn’t.

 

Did he ever outrightly say to me that he wanted to meet up to talk? No. Did he ever come by ringing a doorbell? No. did he try reaching me through a mutual acquaintance? No. It was very apparent that he did not want to repair our relationship in a serious way and I too feel that his contacts were attempts to not appear to be completely uncaring or nonchalant.

 

I apologize for the length of my post OP. Just wanted to be clear and explain to Frank as briefly as possible.

[OK_computer]

He cannot ghost her completely. They work at the same place. She'll have ample opportunity for any final shots she may want to dish out regardless.

 

We clearly won't agree on this but I still don't think ghosting is the way to go so we'll have to agree to disagree in this instance.

 

The OP will have to decide what's best for him.

 

YES! She'll do all sorts BS drama. She'll make her friends hate me (if they don't already), she'll try to convert my friends--she's pretty and they'll fall to her manipulative whim bc they're desparate themselves. But if I tell her "i'm done good bye" she'll do more **** around the workplace to heal her ego, so ghosting/NC and not looking back...might keep her wondering. When I see her in the workplace, as in the NC guides, a short smile/wave if we have to be professional, otherwise there's not turning my head back. Straight forward towards the finishline is how I feel now.

 

There's not point in ever contacting her. One last text message saying i'm done is another day dwelling on her is how I feel...I'll probably be heartbroken for awhile..But after my previous heartbreaks, I know how to heal from them--i'm aware of the time factor.

 

The text or not is the question. I'm leaning on NOT as of now. I have nothing to say to her anymore.

[266696687]

YES! She'll do all sorts BS drama. She'll make her friends hate me (if they don't already), she'll try to convert my friends--she's pretty and they'll fall to her manipulative whim bc they're desparate themselves. But if I tell her "i'm done good bye" she'll do more **** around the workplace to heal her ego, so ghosting/NC and not looking back...might keep her wondering. When I see her in the workplace, as in the NC guides, a short smile/wave if we have to be professional, otherwise there's not turning my head back. Straight forward towards the finishline is how I feel now.

 

There's not point in ever contacting her. One last text message saying i'm done is another day dwelling on her is how I feel...I'll probably be heartbroken for awhile..But after my previous heartbreaks, I know how to heal from them--i'm aware of the time factor.

 

The text or not is the question. I'm leaning on NOT as of now. I have nothing to say to her anymore.

 

I understand how you feel and if this is the way you want to go its your choice.

 

You need to do what's best for you.

[266696687]

He initially contacted me on Christmas day 2014 (saying that he had not heard from me, asked what he had done, etc.). This was the day I decided, no more, I am done, I am NOT responding to him. Initially I did not intend to ghost. It was more along the lines of me wanting him to feel that he is losing me, step up in a profound way, apologize, acknowledge his disappearance and actually care enough to maturely ask to talk to me to find out what was going on with me. I wanted to see and feel a profound attempt on his part.

 

To summarize, yes he tried contacting me about 8 times within the entire year of 2015. Most of these attempts were phone calls. All attempts were a week to a few months apart. Never consistent and not with any urgency or fight to not lose the relationship.

 

He also sent me texts which consisted of : I hope you are ok, I see you have blocked my number, I understand, why am I being ignored and another one asking me if I want him to stop calling my number. I want to add here that throughout the year I broke my silence twice. I was not a complete ghost. (1) I called him back after he called me one night and (2) I accidentally called him on whatsapp – both of which he did not pick up and the kicker is that he never contacted me back the next day or even the next month after those two times. THIS is when I should have sent him a message to say I am DONE with him and the relationship and never look back, but I didn’t.

 

Did he ever outrightly say to me that he wanted to meet up to talk? No. Did he ever come by ringing a doorbell? No. did he try reaching me through a mutual acquaintance? No. It was very apparent that he did not want to repair our relationship in a serious way and I too feel that his contacts were attempts to not appear to be completely uncaring or nonchalant.

 

I apologize for the length of my post OP. Just wanted to be clear and explain to Frank as briefly as possible.

 

FF did you regret not calling him on his BS?