Im about to ghost on someone..

[OK_computer]

I know that ghosting is cowardly but in this situation I feel she is being the coward--not telling me to move on, to leave her alone, to break up. I've been active, trying to get her to talk, to work it out, and now trying to break it up. I know that the posters on this thread all want what is good for me, what will help me in the long run and that's why you all want me to end this on my owns terms--for my peace of mind. This way I don't ever feel the need to go back to her after ghosting.

 

I should end it on my terms--and now my terms are ghosting and going NC. I've tried being the bigger person, tried to reach out, now i'm going silent. I'm just ready to go NC.

[BC1980]

There's not point in ever contacting her. One last text message saying i'm done is another day dwelling on her is how I feel...I'll probably be heartbroken for awhile..But after my previous heartbreaks, I know how to heal from them--i'm aware of the time factor.

 

The text or not is the question. I'm leaning on NOT as of now. I have nothing to say to her anymore.

 

I almost feel like she has already broken up with you in some way. I mean, she can't even be bothered to call you back for 2 days, and her excuse is that she wasn't near a phone. Umm, who can't get to a phone of some sort? That is such a pathetic excuse. I almost feel like she wishes you would ghost on her. At this point, it seems embarrassing to even send her a message acknowledging that you are done. Isn't she already done? I was thinking the same thing as the others. Will she even respond if you text her? Will she respond in a week? You might text her and sit around for a long time wondering if she ever read the text.

[OK_computer]

I have read through this thread and am amazed as this was my story a few years ago. Let me give you my input based on experience, something a lot of the others who replied don't have with this situation.

 

She is not in a relationship with you. She is selfish and all you are is her ego stroke and doormat. This is all so evident by the fact she doesn't contact you for long periods of time (not in a relationship) and gets mad when you blow her off (selfishness).

 

Since she is not in a relationship, there is nothing to ghost. You don't owe her anything like you would if she was committed and you wanted out.

 

In this case ghosting is what you should be doing. Have some dignity and self respect. Ghosting is not to get her back or to hurt her. You simply have had enough so it is time to cut her out. It's like giving a sandwich to a homeless guy every day for a year, but every day when you give it to him you see the one you gave him yesterday in the trash uneaten. You simply stop giving him anymore sandwiches. No need or reason to tell him that you are stopping or why.

 

In my case when I finally had enough, I ghosted her and I got a nasty email saying she doesn't have time for me. I wasn't sure if this was her way of giving me the finger or if she was just dumb thinking this would make me want to contact her. Of course hearing that just pushed me away more. Either way I was done and there was no going back so I didn't reply.

 

The following day I got a voicemail asking me to please answer my phone. I didn't and didn't contact her. Then nothing until 3 weeks later when I got an email saying she misses me. I remained no contact and never heard from her again. No blowing up my phone. No coming to my house and knocking on my door. She simply didn't care, which I knew and is why I ghosted her.

 

You have nothing to lose by ghosting her. She won't care in the least. She will probably be relieved. If ghosting her was wrong and she really wants you, she knows how to find you.

 

 

This..sums up my original question and post in a nutshell. This is what I meant by ghosting her. and this is what I am going to do from now on. At this point it's not even ghosting...it's NC.

[266696687]

I almost feel like she has already broken up with you in some way. I mean, she can't even be bothered to call you back for 2 days, and her excuse is that she wasn't near a phone. Umm, who can't get to a phone of some sort? That is such a pathetic excuse. I almost feel like she wishes you would ghost on her. At this point, it seems embarrassing to even send her a message acknowledging that you are done. Isn't she already done? I was thinking the same thing as the others. Will she even respond if you text her? Will she respond in a week? You might text her and sit around for a long time wondering if she ever read the text.

 

Yeah something doesn't sit right for me though. She has managed to completely disengage from him without ever being called out for her bad behaviour and disrespect. She has completely minimised the OP's feelings so much so that he doesn't even want to send a breakup text for fear she won't even acknowledge it. She's even got him questioning whether they were in a relationship at all. She's managed to breakup with him without breaking up with him.

 

For someone who he considered a friend for a number of years I'm really astounded by her behaviour.

 

I bet she'll be back acting friendly in a few weeks expecting the OP to be friends with her as if nothing ever happened. If she does please don't allow her to drag you back in.

Edited February 20, 2016 by 266696687

[OK_computer]

Yeah something doesn't sit right for me though. She has managed to completely disengage from him without ever being called out for her bad behaviour and disrespect. She has completely minimised the OP's feelings so much so that he doesn't even want to send a breakup text for fear she won't even acknowledge it. She's even got him questioning whether they were in a relationship at all. She's managed to breakup with him without breaking up with him.

 

For someone who he considered a friend for a number of years I'm really astounded by her behaviour.

 

I bet she'll be back acting friendly in a few weeks expecting the OP to be friends with her as if nothing ever happened.

 

I was banking on a few days and she'll be asking what happened. I know it, I known her for 5 years. I just can't believe this is happening...but i've been feeling it a long time ago. I'm just read to move and and be happy! Im like a wind up toy waiting to be released into NC 26667.

[BeFierce]

lol I am loving this new term "Ghosting".

 

Look what urban dictionary has to say about this:

 

Ghosted

A term used among women to describe when a man (or woman) they have been seeing for a while stops taking their calls and answering their texts. These actions are usually preceded by many a broken promise to "hang out" "have a drink or two" or "catch up" on the part of the Ghoster. The Ghostee is left wondering whether the person that was just inside of them two weeks ago is now alive or dead. Neither can be definitively proven.

 

Example:I had been sleeping with Todd for about a year and a half before he Ghosted me. Even a "F*ck You" would have been better.

[266696687]

I was banking on a few days and she'll be asking what happened. I know it, I known her for 5 years. I just can't believe this is happening...but i've been feeling it a long time ago. I'm just read to move and and be happy! Im like a wind up toy waiting to be released into NC 26667.

 

I feel for you! What an awful situation and an ugly end to a long friendship.

 

Don't allow her back in to your life otherwise you'll be in for more of the same. It's just not worth the heartache and confusion.

 

You'll be way better off in the long run without this girl in your life.

[Simon Phoenix]

I wasn't suggesting he ghost her. I was suggesting he just ends it short and to the point. No conversation just a statement that the relationship was over. At this point with her being MIA even a text will do (I don't agree with text dumping but in this case he doesn't really have a choice). She has clearly checked out of the relationship already.

 

It's always best to end a relationship properly. Ghosting is a cowards way out.

 

I think even she will be surprised by the OP's courage to finally stand up for himself and it might even shock her that he isn't waiting around like a doormat waiting for her to show up again.

 

There's two reasons for him to end this relationship and both will benefit the OP.

 

What's a proper way to end a relationship? No one ever says "Well, I know you broke my heart and all, but the way you broke up with me is awesome!" Either way, the result is the same. In this case, she's clearly avoiding him and doesn't give a crap about him, so why does he have to pursue her to end this "the right way?" He should ghost and just cut this off. His lack of words will tell her more than any sort of parting shot.

[266696687]

What's a proper way to end a relationship? No one ever says "Well, I know you broke my heart and all, but the way you broke up with me is awesome!" Either way, the result is the same. In this case, she's clearly avoiding him and doesn't give a crap about him, so why does he have to pursue her to end this "the right way?" He should ghost and just cut this off. His lack of words will tell her more than any sort of parting shot.

 

The proper way to end a relationship is by communicating that the relationship has come to an end!

 

She didn't have the decency to tell the OP the relationship was over after being friends for 5 years. Does that sound like the right way to you? Is that how you would treat someone you've known for five years?

Edited February 20, 2016 by 266696687

[Simon Phoenix]

The proper way to end a relationship is by communicating that the relationship has come to an end!

 

She didn't have the decency to tell the OP the relationship was over after being friends for 5 years. Does that sound like the right way to you? Is that how you would treat someone you've known for five years?

 

I think the result is the same either way. But I also think the OP doesn't need to jump through hoops to have a last talk -- which is the point of this thread. The point of this thread isn't what the girl should do, it's what the OP should do. At this point him trying to have one last talk is causing him stress and drama and chasing his tail. She doesn't care to have that talk, so why should he continue to doggedly pursue it?

[mightycpa]

I think at this point, we'd have to conclude that she has ghosted him.

[266696687]

I think the result is the same either way. But I also think the OP doesn't need to jump through hoops to have a last talk -- which is the point of this thread. The point of this thread isn't what the girl should do, it's what the OP should do. At this point him trying to have one last talk is causing him stress and drama and chasing his tail. She doesn't care to have that talk, so why should he continue to doggedly pursue it?

 

The result isn't the same at all. OP has spent weeks thinking and believing he was still in a relationship with this girl not knowing what was going on and completely left in the dark. Time he could have used to move on.

 

I never said he should jump through hoops to talk to her or chase after her. If you read my previous posts I was completely against him having 'one last chat' with her. I recommend he simply tell her the relationship is over for his own benefit rather than waiting in limbo for news from her.

[Simon Phoenix]

The result isn't the same at all. OP has spent weeks thinking and believing he was still in a relationship with this girl not knowing what was going on and completely left in the dark. Time he could have used to move on.

 

I never said he should jump through hoops to talk to her or chase after her. If you read my previous posts I was completely against him having 'one last chat' with her. I recommend he simply tell her the relationship is over for his own benefit rather than waiting in limbo for news from her.

 

Of course the result is the same -- the relationship is over. There are many ways to come to that result, but the actual destination is the same. Him telling her "It's over" isn't going to help him or get her to come to any great regret over how she acted.

[266696687]

Of course the result is the same -- the relationship is over. There are many ways to come to that result, but the actual destination is the same. Him telling her "It's over" isn't going to help him or get her to come to any great regret over how she acted.

 

And if the other person doesn't make you aware of the destination? How are you supposed to get to that result?

 

She still hasn't told him the relationship is over. Only a few days ago she blew up his phone for not answering her on the first ring. She's being disrespectful to him but she isn't completely ignoring him. She also tried to get him to lunch only two days ago. Her behaviour has been confusing him. She's got one foot tentatively out the door., but is communicating with him when it suits her. This could have carried on for months if he'd have let her.

 

An 'it's over' from him would have been a clear decision regarding their relationship status and ended the confusion for the OP.

Edited February 20, 2016 by 266696687

[Simon Phoenix]

And if the other person doesn't make you aware of the destination? How are you supposed to get to that result?

 

She still hasn't told him the relationship is over. Only a few days ago she blew up his phone for not answering her on the first ring. She's being disrespectful to him but she isn't completely ignoring him. She also tried to get him to lunch only 2 days ago. Her behaviour has been confusing him. She's got one foot tentatively out the door., but is communicating with him when it suits her.

 

An 'it's over' from him would have been a clear decision regarding their relationship status and ended the confusion for the OP.

 

By getting there on your own. I mean, if you apply for a job and you haven't heard from the prospective employer, then it's pretty clear you don't have the job, no? Same general concept.

 

He doesn't need her to tell him the relationship is over. He wants it to be over because she's acting like a jackass. So he should cut his losses and end it. He doesn't need to tell her, he doesn't need to tell us, he doesn't need to do anything. He's tried, she's being a d--k, so he can "ghost" and be done with it.

 

He doesn't need her permission to get to where he needs to go. He doesn't need her to tell him what's what. He can take what's what and move forward. That's what he wanted to do from the jump ITT.

[266696687]

We are debating in the past tense now anyway the OP has made his decision.

[266696687]

By getting there on your own. I mean, if you apply for a job and you haven't heard from the prospective employer, then it's pretty clear you don't have the job, no? Same general concept.

 

He doesn't need her to tell him the relationship is over. He wants it to be over because she's acting like a jackass. So he should cut his losses and end it. He doesn't need to tell her, he doesn't need to tell us, he doesn't need to do anything. He's tried, she's being a d--k, so he can "ghost" and be done with it.

 

He doesn't need her permission to get to where he needs to go. He doesn't need her to tell him what's what. He can take what's what and move forward. That's what he wanted to do from the jump ITT.

 

I don't think you expect the same level of relationship loyalty from a perspective employer as you do from someone you've known for 5 years. - the two aren't comparable.

 

Yes he wants it to be over so what's wrong with telling her it's over? Ending it isn't asking for her permission in anyway at all.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think you expect the same level of relationship loyalty from a perspective employer as you do from someone you've known for 5 years. - the two aren't comparable.

 

Yes he wants it to be over so what's wrong with telling her it's over? Ending it isn't asking for her permission in anyway at all.

 

Because it gives off a "nah nah boo boo I'm the one breaking up with you!" vibe. It's talking to talk -- it's causing a scene to cause a scene. It's overdramatic in this situation. His point will be much better made -- and he'll be on his way to recovery quicker -- by just leaving. Stating it in this situation is basically trying to get a dig at her or a reaction from her. The best way to show that you're done is to be done. Actions speak louder than words, so his action of silence speaks volumes.

 

I'm sorry, there's no real purpose for him to state the obvious and belabor the point. When you're done at the blackjack table after the house has taken your money, you don't tell the dealer you're leaving. You leave.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Simon Phoenix

[266696687]

Because it gives off a "nah nah boo boo I'm the one breaking up with you!" vibe. It's talking to talk -- it's causing a scene to cause a scene. It's overdramatic in this situation. His point will be much better made -- and he'll be on his way to recovery quicker -- by just leaving. Stating it in this situation is basically trying to get a dig at her or a reaction from her. The best way to show that you're done is to be done. Actions speak louder than words, so his action of silence speaks volumes.

 

I'm sorry, there's no real purpose for him to state the obvious and belabor the point. When you're done at the blackjack table after the house has taken your money, you don't tell the dealer you're leaving. You leave.

 

I'm sorry but the same could be said about any breakup. That doesn't mean everyone should leave a relationship with silence. Relationships are messy, complicated and breakups are rarely completely one sided.

 

This is a 5 year friendship here not a five day fling.

 

I think ghosting will provoke more of a reaction from her than telling her it's over.

 

We'll have to wait for an update from OP to see how things turn out.

[Frank13]

They work in the same place so ghosting isn't really going to work.

 

Only for another month per the OP's first post.

[Frank13]

She really doesn't care what happens, and the more I have been reading Frank13's posts, it fearfully applies to me. She just doesn't care anymore. And the more I stick around..the deeper I get into this mess.

 

 

As I stated, I was in your same situation including the working together.

 

I've been trying my best to be a bigger person, but this point I think ghosting on her is the only way to do so. If she ever contacts me again I'll tell her I'm done.

 

No, just ignore her. There is no reason to tell her anything. Your ghosting will do it. You don't need to get involved in any kind of texting exchange.

 

 

At this point, I feel that she's not even worth the a proper good bye or break up text. But I keep wavering on the 'f u good bye' text or ghosting. In my case silence and moving on might be better, she doesn't deserve a formal good bye. I might say i'm done if she ever reaches out to me again sometime. She's just so unstable, immature, and probably has someone else. I'm unable to think clearly.

 

I still say ghost. It is just going go feel worse when she replies to any "good bye" text with "okay". By the way, in my case when I ghosted, I did get the "I miss you email" after 3 weeks but never a "good-bye" or "please contact me" or anything asking for an explanation. She simply didn't care.

[Frank13]

I think ghosting will provoke more of a reaction from her than telling her it's over.

 

I bet it won't. The relationship was over for her some time ago. As another poster stated, if anything she is waiting and hoping for him to ghost. Then she can get out of this without having to be the bad guy and explain that she doesn't care or lie with some "I care, but....." just so she doesn't feel like a or be thought of as cold hearted person.

 

Him telling her it is over when it has been over for her for quite some time will just give her and her friends something to laugh about.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I don't think it will either. Hell, she might not even notice for a while. There's no upside to him telling her anything right now. If anything, she doesn't deserve a "proper" breakup with the way she's treated him.

 

And yes, I've "ghosted" a co-worker I dated. She broke up with me and then she disrespected me several months later to where she threatened my employment out of anger and pettiness. I didn't acknowledge her in the least in the office, didn't say a word. She didn't deserve to hear my words. We worked in different departments so there wasn't much collaboration, but the one or two times there was I had a third party communicate to her for me (this person was familiar with the situation and volunteered). I didn't say a thing to her until she quit three months later and gave a teary apology because she knew exactly why I was doing what I was doing and that she was in the wrong. Only then did I acknowledge her. By not "telling her off" I made my point in a lot more powerful way than if I had reamed her for what she did.

 

As a postscript to this story, I ran into her over a year later (I had forgiven her and gotten over it as my point had been made) and we were friendly. A few months later we ran into each other again and she was all over me trying to get me back. I resisted, but we became friendly, which probably would never have happened had I not acted in the way I acted.

 

Would I normally act like that? No, I didn't before and I haven't since. But that situation called for it, and the OP's does too.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Simon Phoenix

[candie13]

Yeah, I don't think it will either. Hell, she might not even notice for a while. There's no upside to him telling her anything right now. If anything, she doesn't deserve a "proper" breakup with the way she's treated him.

 

And yes, I've "ghosted" a co-worker I dated. She broke up with me and then she disrespected me several months later to where she threatened my employment out of anger and pettiness. I didn't acknowledge her in the least in the office, didn't say a word. She didn't deserve to hear my words. We worked in different departments so there wasn't much collaboration, but the one or two times there was I had a third party communicate to her for me (this person was familiar with the situation and volunteered). I didn't say a thing to her until she quit three months later and gave a teary apology because she knew exactly why I was doing what I was doing and that she was in the wrong. Only then did I acknowledge her. By not "telling her off" I made my point in a lot more powerful way than if I had reamed her for what she did.

 

As a postscript to this story, I ran into her over a year later (I had forgiven her and gotten over it as my point had been made) and we were friendly. A few months later we ran into each other again and she was all over me trying to get me back. I resisted, but we became friendly, which probably would never have happened had I not acted in the way I acted.

 

Would I normally act like that? No, I didn't before and I haven't since. But that situation called for it, and the OP's does too.

Evaluation of the situation - check.

Decision about the most appropriate way of handling the situation and protect yourself - check.

Flawless implementation of the decision - no more questioning and turning back, second thoughts, no displays of weakness or emotion - check.

Positive result: guaranteed.

 

OP, there you go.

[OK_computer]

Another update: (Sorry again guys to bother you all with my problem and keep prolonging this)

 

After last night, I ended my convo with her on whatsapp with her asking "Why did you call me?" to which I never replied (but blue ticks means I saw it). That's when I decided I would never talk to her again and just ghost because I couldn't deal with this crap anymore. This morning I saw her at work, she smiled said hi, I just smiled nothing more and just walked away. Later that day, I crossed her in the halls, she stopped and asked me why I never replied to her texts last night? I just said I was a bit busy and walked away with her saying bye ttyl.

 

I'm all confused now. Should I just tell her I'm moving on or stick to what i'm doing?

 

I'll stick to ignoring her the best I can until I never have to see her again. This is because I'm sick of being the person who always wants to talk things out, to communicate. She wants to communicate on her terms, when she wants, and I can't be taken along for the ride anymore. She doesn't deserve and explanation, she's never tried to elaborate on anything we had problems with over the years, just closes up and waits until it tides over. Well this time it's not going to tide over, it's going to be permanent. I don't need to make time for her, to sit her down, and explain to her why I'm no longer going to pretend that she exists. She should be able to figure that out on her own. And I don't think I'll feel guilty in the long run, because i've been trying this whole time, and this going ghost is me stopping to try. I'll can breathe a sigh of relief. I don't mind leaving her guessing, why should I give her closure? My closure is ultimately--this wont work, and time to move on. That's my closure from within, let her find her own closure.

Edited February 20, 2016 by OK_computer