Im about to ghost on someone..

[266696687]

 

And yes, I've "ghosted" a co-worker I dated. She broke up with me and then she disrespected me several months later.

 

The point here is that she BROKE UP with you.

 

Ghosting is perfectly acceptable after a breakup in the OP's situation there hasn't been a breakup yet.

 

He is already getting a reaction from her. She's approached him already. 1 day later.

[266696687]

I bet it won't. The relationship was over for her some time ago. As another poster stated, if anything she is waiting and hoping for him to ghost. Then she can get out of this without having to be the bad guy and explain that she doesn't care or lie with some "I care, but....." just so she doesn't feel like a or be thought of as cold hearted person.

 

Him telling her it is over when it has been over for her for quite some time will just give her and her friends something to laugh about.

 

It's already getting him a reaction.

[266696687]

Another update: (Sorry again guys to bother you all with my problem and keep prolonging this)

 

After last night, I ended my convo with her on whatsapp with her asking "Why did you call me?" to which I never replied (but blue ticks means I saw it). That's when I decided I would never talk to her again and just ghost because I couldn't deal with this crap anymore. This morning I saw her at work, she smiled said hi, I just smiled nothing more and just walked away. Later that day, I crossed her in the halls, she stopped and asked me why I never replied to her texts last night? I just said I was a bit busy and walked away with her saying bye ttyl.

 

I'm all confused now. Should I just tell her I'm moving on or stick to what i'm doing?

 

I'll stick to ignoring her the best I can until I never have to see her again. This is because I'm sick of being the person who always wants to talk things out, to communicate. She wants to communicate on her terms, when she wants, and I can't be taken along for the ride anymore. She doesn't deserve and explanation, she's never tried to elaborate on anything we had problems with over the years, just closes up and waits until it tides over. Well this time it's not going to tide over, it's going to be permanent. I don't need to make time for her, to sit her down, and explain to her why I'm no longer going to pretend that she exists. She should be able to figure that out on her own. And I don't think I'll feel guilty in the long run, because i've been trying this whole time, and this going ghost is me stopping to try. I'll can breathe a sigh of relief. I don't mind leaving her guessing, why should I give her closure? My closure is ultimately--this wont work, and time to move on. That's my closure from within, let her find her own closure.

 

You're prolonging a confusion situation. It's nothing more than that. Based on her reaction today Ghosting is only going to cause drama, chaos and more resentment from both of you.

 

It actually sounds like you want to use ghosting to have some revenge and leave her guessing.

 

It's your choice OP.

[266696687]

Evaluation of the situation - check.

Decision about the most appropriate way of handling the situation and protect yourself - check.

Flawless implementation of the decision - no more questioning and turning back, second thoughts, no displays of weakness or emotion - check.

Positive result: guaranteed.

 

OP, there you go.

 

Yes he responded appropriately in the situation however he DID NOT GHOST her because she'd already broken up with him. He simply implemented NC in response to her breakup and continued disrespect. He went NC' (ghost) after she'd already ended the relationship.

 

Simon's story is not a ghosting situation. There was a breakup. it's simply NC implemented correctly.

Edited February 20, 2016 by 266696687

[Saracena]

I bet it won't. The relationship was over for her some time ago. As another poster stated, if anything she is waiting and hoping for him to ghost. Then she can get out of this without having to be the bad guy and explain that she doesn't care or lie with some "I care, but....." just so she doesn't feel like a or be thought of as cold hearted person..

 

 

How can you or anyone else possibly *know* this?

[candie13]

Yes he responded appropriately in the situation however he DID NOT GHOST her because she'd already broken up with him. He simply implemented NC in response to her breakup and continued disrespect. He went NC' (ghost) after she'd already ended the relationship.

 

Simon's story is not a ghosting situation. There was a breakup. it's simply NC implemented correctly.

exacty..........

[266696687]

How can you or anyone else possibly *know* this?

 

Agreed. I think the level of investment is off in this relationship and is causing a load of unnecessary confusion to both parties.

 

Neither of them seem to know where they stand.

 

A simple breakup will bring both of them clarity.

 

If she was waiting for him to ghost she wouldn't have asked him why he didn't reply to her messages and approached him at work today.

 

Why drag this out any further?

[candie13]

Another update: (Sorry again guys to bother you all with my problem and keep prolonging this)

 

After last night, I ended my convo with her on whatsapp with her asking "Why did you call me?" to which I never replied (but blue ticks means I saw it). That's when I decided I would never talk to her again and just ghost because I couldn't deal with this crap anymore. This morning I saw her at work, she smiled said hi, I just smiled nothing more and just walked away. Later that day, I crossed her in the halls, she stopped and asked me why I never replied to her texts last night? I just said I was a bit busy and walked away with her saying bye ttyl.

 

I'm all confused now. Should I just tell her I'm moving on or stick to what i'm doing?

 

I'll stick to ignoring her the best I can until I never have to see her again. This is because I'm sick of being the person who always wants to talk things out, to communicate. She wants to communicate on her terms, when she wants, and I can't be taken along for the ride anymore. She doesn't deserve and explanation, she's never tried to elaborate on anything we had problems with over the years, just closes up and waits until it tides over. Well this time it's not going to tide over, it's going to be permanent. I don't need to make time for her, to sit her down, and explain to her why I'm no longer going to pretend that she exists. She should be able to figure that out on her own. And I don't think I'll feel guilty in the long run, because i've been trying this whole time, and this going ghost is me stopping to try. I'll can breathe a sigh of relief. I don't mind leaving her guessing, why should I give her closure? My closure is ultimately--this wont work, and time to move on. That's my closure from within, let her find her own closure.

Imho, You want to ghost her because You lack The courage to stand your ground & confront her.

 

To her, it's usual business - or acts as if You two are in s RS and everything's fine.

 

You should have lunch with her, explain to her like she is a 4 years child that The current situation isn't to your liking and break up with her face to face. Like an adult.

 

You cannot ghost someone who works with You and whom You see everyday. You can go no contact with them, though. Be brave & be honest. Then, after Breaking up, never look back.

 

Cheers

[266696687]

the OP will keep us updated hopefully. Edited February 20, 2016 by 266696687

[OK_computer]

Imho, You want to ghost her because You lack The courage to stand your ground & confront her.

 

To her, it's usual business - or acts as if You two are in s RS and everything's fine.

 

You should have lunch with her, explain to her like she is a 4 years child that The current situation isn't to your liking and break up with her face to face. Like an adult.

 

You cannot ghost someone who works with You and whom You see everyday. You can go no contact with them, though. Be brave & be honest. Then, after Breaking up, never look back.

 

Cheers

 

It has nothing to do with courage. I'm just sick of being the one to initiate everything and all types of contact. I'm the judge, jury and executioner. Why do I keep trying? What's the point of reaching out endlessly...to talk, to fight, to patch up, to end it. Why am I doing all this ridiculous work? How idiotic will it look if I text her right now that i'm done? It's ME doing all the work, and now I'm on vacation--indefinitlely.

 

 

With that being said, If she ever contacts me via text to see whats up etc. I'm gonna tell to **** off (in a polite way). No need for me to put myself out there for someone who clearly doesn't care and add more fuel. I'd be beating a dead horse.

[Zahara]

It has nothing to do with courage. I'm just sick of being the one to initiate everything and all types of contact. I'm the judge, jury and executioner. Why do I keep trying? What's the point of reaching out endlessly...to talk, to fight, to patch up, to end it. Why am I doing all this ridiculous work? How idiotic will it look if I text her right now that i'm done? It's ME doing all the work, and now I'm on vacation--indefinitlely.

 

 

With that being said, If she ever contacts me via text to see whats up etc. I'm gonna tell to **** off (in a polite way). No need for me to put myself out there for someone who clearly doesn't care and add more fuel. I'd be beating a dead horse.

 

This isn't about 'initiating everything and all types of contact." This is about taking matters into your own hands and determining your own fate. A simple text ending it closes the door and allows you to move on. If you want to stop doing all the work, cut the cord. You're ghosting because 1) you're afraid of the finality/ending it 2) you're trying to get a reaction with ghosting.

 

Whether you ghost, NC or send her your note, you then disengage -- when you are ready to move on. I don't think you are.

 

Contact is strictly professional after that and you only have a month left working with her.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Zahara

[Saracena]

If she was waiting for him to ghost she wouldn't have asked him why he didn't reply to her messages and approached him at work today.

 

 

Precisely. Which proves this theory presented as a definitive fact (not totally atypical of LS style I might add) is actually wrong.

 

Perhaps it's just me but I always prefer to deal with FACTS (maybe I'm just wired that way!) rather than just draw wild conclusions from very limited information. The latter just frazzles my brain!

Edited February 20, 2016 by Saracena

[candie13]

It has nothing to do with courage. I'm just sick of being the one to initiate everything and all types of contact. I'm the judge, jury and executioner. Why do I keep trying? What's the point of reaching out endlessly...to talk, to fight, to patch up, to end it. Why am I doing all this ridiculous work? How idiotic will it look if I text her right now that i'm done? It's ME doing all the work, and now I'm on vacation--indefinitlely.

 

 

With that being said, If she ever contacts me via text to see whats up etc. I'm gonna tell to **** off (in a polite way). No need for me to put myself out there for someone who clearly doesn't care and add more fuel. I'd be beating a dead horse.

Mate, you won't be doing this for her, you are doing this for yourself. In a way, you've repressed your feelings since the beginning of this RS and You are doing it now again, when the end is near.

 

Be honest, did you ever have a fit where you were dumping all of your feelings of anger and disappointment on her? Ever? Did You ever force her to just sit down, shut up and listen to You ? It never happened, mate. That is your responsability & personal contribution to The failure of the RS.

 

You two were in a RS. You are both adults. By definition, this also means You are at fault for how things turned out, because you allowed them to. It's not fair to just check out emotionally like that. This situation is also partially your fault.

 

This is why You have to fix it.

 

If You want to ghost her and she initiates contact and asks why you're not a answering her texts, at least have the courage to answer "what for" and leave rather than straight out lie.

[266696687]

It has nothing to do with courage. I'm just sick of being the one to initiate everything and all types of contact. I'm the judge, jury and executioner. Why do I keep trying? What's the point of reaching out endlessly...to talk, to fight, to patch up, to end it. Why am I doing all this ridiculous work? How idiotic will it look if I text her right now that i'm done? It's ME doing all the work, and now I'm on vacation--indefinitlely.

 

 

With that being said, If she ever contacts me via text to see whats up etc. I'm gonna tell to **** off (in a polite way). No need for me to put myself out there for someone who clearly doesn't care and add more fuel. I'd be beating a dead horse.

 

I'm sorry OP but I agree with Candie on this one. Ending a relationship isn't you initiating anything it's you saying 'This doesn't work for me'. You seem to be afraid of her reaction and that's what's holding you back from ending it. I suspect that you love this girl very much and are still hoping that she will fight for you so that you two can resolve things. The finality of ending it might be scary but it's better than hanging on to someone who doesn't really seem to be invested in your relationship.

 

You do appear to be using ghosting as an excuse to provoke a reaction (which you know it will) rather than just honestly telling her. I think again you are hoping your shift in behaviour will scare her into chasing after you. Even if it does it will likely only be temporary.

Edited February 20, 2016 by 266696687

[Simon Phoenix]

Whatever you do, you have to do it. If you're going to ghost, you have to ghost completely -- no talking to her or acknowledging her at all. If you want to break up with her properly, then you have to do it. This half-and-half crap is counterproductive. While I disagree with number person about the necessity of stating a breakup to this person given the circumstances, I do agree that you have to have a set plan and be consistent in implementing it. Doing multiple different things confuses the issue and, more importantly, confuses you.

 

Pick a path and go down that path. Indecision in this situation is holding you back.

[266696687]

Whatever you do, you have to do it. If you're going to ghost, you have to ghost completely -- no talking to her or acknowledging her at all. If you want to break up with her properly, then you have to do it. This half-and-half crap is counterproductive. While I disagree with number person about the necessity of stating a breakup to this person given the circumstances, I do agree that you have to have a set plan and be consistent in implementing it. Doing multiple different things confuses the issue and, more importantly, confuses you.

 

Pick a path and go down that path. Indecision in this situation is holding you back.

 

Spot on! Whatever he chooses he needs to implement it and stick to it. All this half way business just adds to the issue. He needs to go 100% in on whatever path he chooses.

 

We can only offer the various different perspectives but it is up to the OP to decide what path he wants to go down.

Edited February 20, 2016 by 266696687

[lolablue17]

Oh, come on, you're not getting anywhere near of becoming a ghost, you're just pretending. If you can do the ghost act, than do it, but apparently you can't. You're the only one who occupy yourself with this $hit, unable to get over this.

 

So, be a man, admit that your task to become a ghost has failed, and now take a mission you can handle. Go to her at work, say hi, tell her that you need to talk to tell her something privately. Take her outside, to to somewhere private, and tell her that you're breaking up with her. You respect her very much, you can see you do not make her happy, and you insist on making a girl happy, pitty it couldn't be her as you appreciate her very much. Be polite, wish her good luck and walk away.

[candie13]

It's been my experience that people who still are very much inlove can't ghost, can't just vanish from the face of the Earth. Not unless there's cheating or lying or something really unforgivable. If there's love, there's hope. I think to be able to really ghost one needs a lot of anger or perfect indifference. You've got none.

 

From this moment forward, you may say it's her fault for getting here, but it will be your responsibility to have and nurture this dysfunctional RS. It's not over and it won't be over. She triggers you. She is stronger than you because she's the one who cares less. If you don't break up with her now, she will run you over like she's always done and she will squash you. I'm not saying this to hurt you. I am basing my statements on facts and personal experience.

 

To say you are in danger is to be silent. You're a big boy. Now you know.

[erklat]

What you described is exact what my ex did to me.

 

I would ghost, if the minimum effort for anything that

she initiates is called like that. No asking where you

are, calling, no reasoning, I simply want no drama in my

life after her.

 

She's with her friends because she is building her

support network that will encourage her in whatever

she is doing.

 

Don't ever look back.

[Frank13]

How can you or anyone else possibly *know* this?

 

Because I have been in his exact situation. This is just common sense. If someone has a boiling pan of water and says they are going to pour it on someone, that someone is going to going to get burned.

[Frank13]

Agreed. I think the level of investment is off in this relationship and is causing a load of unnecessary confusion to both parties.

 

Neither of them seem to know where they stand.

 

A simple breakup will bring both of them clarity.

 

If she was waiting for him to ghost she wouldn't have asked him why he didn't reply to her messages and approached him at work today.

 

Why drag this out any further?

 

Is your head in the sand? He has made it extremely clear where they both stand. It is as simple as 2 + 2 = 4 but you are asking me how I could possibly know 2 + 2 = 4 while then wildly speculating that the numbers are 3 + 5 when he already said it was 2 + 2.

 

She asked him why he didn't reply because she didn't get her doormat to stroke her ego. She isn't worried about him leaving. She wants to know why her ego is taking a hit.

 

I just blows my mind that the OP could spell out the situation sol clearly in so many ways and you go off on some completely unfounded theory not backed up by a shred of evidence.

 

He is not dragging this out. Ghosting isn't doing something. It's doing nothing, just as she has done. Do you run up to every person you pass on the street and explain to them that you didn't say "Hi" because you didn't know them? Is it ghosting them by not explaining why you didn't say "Hi"? No, it is doing nothing because that is what the situation calls for, just like the OP's.

Edited February 21, 2016 by Frank13

[contel3]

Usually I'd recommend ghosting in a case like this.

But after OP's last post I don't think this is a good idea. Let me explain why:

 

1) If you ghost her she will use it to trash talk you to her friends (and other people). You will end up being the bad guy.

 

2) You can't move on. She probably thinks you're still together. I have a friend who thought she was in a relationship with a guy after THREE MONTHS of being ghosted. Do you want her to continue reffering to you as her boyfriend? Wouldn't it be embarassing?

 

3) You have no peace of mind. Ghosting is for people you can avoid. You can't avoid her so it's not "real" ghosting.

 

4) A short break up text is more final. You will be finally "rid of her". By ghosting her you are dragging out the process a lot longer than necessary.

 

The poster Frank talks a lot about keeping your dignity and self-respect. I absolutely agree with him. It does feel humiliating to break up with someone who doesn't care. However, sometimes being rid of the drama is worth feeling humiliated for a few weeks.

 

When I went NC with my ex (we work together), he had disrespected me in so many ways I felt he didn't even deserve a goodbye. But I did send him a short message explaining why I would be ignoring him and never regretted it. I did feel humiliated for a while. But after that I was finally RID of him. NO DRAMA. No more awkward encounters like you describbed in your last post, I was free to ignore him and HEAL. No more random texts popping up now and then. Best part of it, I didn't have to feel guilty about it.

 

It's really up to you what you value more. Your "pride" or moving on.

[bathtub-row]

I would've done the same thing you did. If she had any sense, she'd get the message and wouldn't need an explanation. There's nothing cowardly about this. It's merely a way of saying "since I'm not worth your time, then I won't bother you any further." At best, I'd just end it with her. It's been my experience that if you have to explain to another person why blatantly bad behavior isn't working, they're too clueless to get it or to even try.

 

Cutting the call off after the lunch conversation is yet another sign of how undeserving she is of any type of respectful conversation. Count your blessings -- you dodged a bullet. She's not relationship material.

Edited February 21, 2016 by bathtub-row

[elaine567]

imho, you want to ghost her because you lack the courage to stand your ground & confront her.

to her, it's usual business - or acts as if you two are in s rs and everything's fine.

 

You should have lunch with her, explain to her like she is a 4 years child that the current situation isn't to your liking and break up with her face to face. Like an adult.

you cannot ghost someone who works with you and whom you see everyday. you can go no contact with them, though. Be brave & be honest. Then, after breaking up, never look back.

 

Cheers

 

^^^^ 1000x

Adult thinking needed by the OP.

Stop the conflict avoidance NOW.

[bathtub-row]

Another update: (Sorry again guys to bother you all with my problem and keep prolonging this)

 

After last night, I ended my convo with her on whatsapp with her asking "Why did you call me?" to which I never replied (but blue ticks means I saw it). That's when I decided I would never talk to her again and just ghost because I couldn't deal with this crap anymore. This morning I saw her at work, she smiled said hi, I just smiled nothing more and just walked away. Later that day, I crossed her in the halls, she stopped and asked me why I never replied to her texts last night? I just said I was a bit busy and walked away with her saying bye ttyl.

 

This girl is all about ego -- namely, hers. The minute you start ignoring her, she turns on the charm. When she gets your attention again, she goes back to her self-centered ways. As you described it before, she's hot and cold and keeps you on a roller coaster. Time to get off the ride for good. I say, continue to ignore her. She's not worth your time.