Im about to ghost on someone..

[candie13]

It's causing more drama because he hasn't actually done it. He is half ghosting and half trying to breakup with her. Either way he is still communicating with her at work and by text.

 

His attempts to breakup with her aren't working because he hasn't actually told her the relationship is over.

 

His attempts to ghost her aren't working because he is still talking to her by text and in person.

 

This is down to the OP.

 

The reality is he doesn't want to do either. So is dragging it out as much as possible and I don't think this girl has a clue what is going on (she's on a completely different page to him).

 

This should have been over days ago. It's the OP's lack of commitment to breaking up that is now causing the problem.

I fully agree to your post. Not sure about the bolded.

 

OP, listen here: copy this message in your phone and then press the send button:

 

"Our relationship has been degrading since the last 4 months and this is not working out for me. I am breaking up with you. I don't want to be in contact, so I would appreciate it if you stopped making contact. Thank you."

[266696687]

I fully agree to your post. Not sure about the bolded.

 

OP, listen here: copy this message in your phone and then press the send button:

 

"Our relationship has been degrading since the last 4 months and this is not working out for me. I am breaking up with you. I don't want to be in contact, so I would appreciate it if you stopped making contact. Thank you."

 

What I mean by the bolded part was she wouldn't know from what he has done so far whether he is okay with her, whether he is breaking up with her or whether he is angry / upset with her, whether they are still in a relationship. I dont think she would have a clue because his behaviour is highly confusing. He is being completely unclear with her and expects her to know what he is talking about.

 

I think the OP needs to do some work on his communications skills for his next relationship.

[elaine567]

I think the OP needs to do some work on his communications skills for his next relationship.

 

^^^^

Hear! Hear!

[candie13]

hum.... if he could start by expressing himself, good or bad, that would sure be a start !

[Frank13]

It's been my experience that people who still are very much inlove can't ghost, can't just vanish from the face of the Earth. Not unless there's cheating or lying or something really unforgivable. If there's love, there's hope. I think to be able to really ghost one needs a lot of anger or perfect indifference. You've got none.

 

 

This is not true in my experience. In my situation I still loved her. I just had enough and knew she no longer cared. I knew I was just an ego boost for her. I knew nothing was going to change.

[Frank13]

Usually I'd recommend ghosting in a case like this.

But after OP's last post I don't think this is a good idea. Let me explain why:

 

1) If you ghost her she will use it to trash talk you to her friends (and other people). You will end up being the bad guy.

 

Who cares? He has no control of that and why should he care what her friends think? If it's his friends or other people who know him, they will see it as a personal matter, or get his side of the story. He is leaving the country anyway so will probably never see those people again. People are too busy caring about their own loves to worry about other people's lives (despite what people on Facebook think with their 5,000 fake friends).

 

Even if he breaks up with a talk, the hit to her ego may still cause her to trash talk. Someone like her is the type that may not care at all about him but would hate that people knew he broke up with her. Again it's their ego. She is going to think it makes her look bad that he broke up with her like there is something wrong with her. Ghosting and letting things just fade away solves this.

 

2) You can't move on. She probably thinks you're still together. I have a friend who thought she was in a relationship with a guy after THREE MONTHS of being ghosted. Do you want her to continue reffering to you as her boyfriend? Wouldn't it be embarassing?

 

When I ghosted under a very similar situation as the OP I moved on fine. I didn't know or care what she thought. In the case you mentioned, the girl probably wanted to be with the guy and he ghosted her. I doubt the OP's girlfriend refers to him as her boyfriend now. People on LS often talk about not getting closure from a break up and are told closure comes from within. That is how ghosting felt to me. I knew it was done and over with and never wanted to see or contact her again.

 

3) You have no peace of mind. Ghosting is for people you can avoid. You can't avoid her so it's not "real" ghosting.

 

This is true but he is leaving in a month so he may be able to really ghost then.

 

4) A short break up text is more final. You will be finally "rid of her". By ghosting her you are dragging out the process a lot longer than necessary.

 

Ghosting was just as final to me. When I had enough I was done.

 

 

The poster Frank talks a lot about keeping your dignity and self-respect. I absolutely agree with him. It does feel humiliating to break up with someone who doesn't care. However, sometimes being rid of the drama is worth feeling humiliated for a few weeks.

 

Once he stops working there and ghosts he keeps his dignity, self respect, doesn't feel humiliated, and there is no drama. I am not certain what my ex thinks of me but I am guessing she either doesn't care one way or the other, appreciates I didn't cause any drama, has more respect for me than if I would have broken up what was no longer a relationship, or thinks I was smart enough to see it was over and move on.

 

When I went NC with my ex (we work together), he had disrespected me in so many ways I felt he didn't even deserve a goodbye. But I did send him a short message explaining why I would be ignoring him and never regretted it. I did feel humiliated for a while. But after that I was finally RID of him. NO DRAMA. No more awkward encounters like you describbed in your last post, I was free to ignore him and HEAL. No more random texts popping up now and then. Best part of it, I didn't have to feel guilty about it.

 

It's really up to you what you value more. Your "pride" or moving on.

 

If he ghosts he can have both.

[Frank13]

I would've done the same thing you did. If she had any sense, she'd get the message and wouldn't need an explanation. There's nothing cowardly about this. It's merely a way of saying "since I'm not worth your time, then I won't bother you any further." At best, I'd just end it with her. It's been my experience that if you have to explain to another person why blatantly bad behavior isn't working, they're too clueless to get it or to even try.

 

This is exactly right and probably the best and easiest way to sum up ghosting in this situation. I think some people here aren't getting the what is going on or were ghosted under different circumstances (like didn't want the relationship to end) and are remembering how bad they felt when they were ghosted.

 

If the girl wanted the relationship and the OP wanted to ghost I would agree 100% that he was wrong for doing it. That's not the case. There is no relationship to the girl.

[Frank13]

I think ghosting works only at the beginning of RS for 2 big reasons:

1. neither one is heavily invested in the other person (also their ego might be)

2. they are complete strangers prob never crossing paths again after the break up

 

 

I ghosted after knowing her 8 years. Admittedly I left work when I did and wasn't likely to cross paths again. Actually there was a slight possibility but at that point it was clear things were done and we probably wouldn't even have acknowledged each other.

 

 

In my book, the situation is at it follows:

 

A. they dated for a few years. He is involved, we have no idea about her

B. they both work together

C. her behavior is erratic, making contact inconsistently and making the OP unhappy

D. The OP admits he is unhappy and wants this situation to stop

E. His partner may or may not be aware of his unhappiness, but keeps maintaining a dysfunctional contact pattern (her least involved, him, inlove)

F. he ignores her while she keeps initiating contact, not understand where she did anything different than before

 

 

Same as my situation.

 

 

Of course, he can continue to not respond, it is his privilege. We need to carefully consider what will happen next:

 

 

You don't know what will happen next.

 

1. she understands he is trying to get away. Her pride makes her want to teach him a lesson. Poses all sad and lonely so that he gives in and contacts her only to be dismissed - she wins, she humiliates him and leaves him

 

This is more likely to happen if he officially dumps her. Her pride will want to teach him a lesson so she will tell everyone he was a horrible bf and she dumped him.

 

2. she stops contact all together saying to everyone in the company what a cruel and insensitive boyfriend he was, that didn't even have the courage to break up - she shows she is strong and doesn't care while badmouthing him

 

This is much more likely if he dumps her because she knows there is a possibility he will tell people he dumped her. She will want to beat him to the punch so as not too feel like a fool or have people think negatively of her because she got dumped. Ghosting lets things fade away before anyone cares to notice they aren't together.

 

3. she contacts him and breaks up with him, making him look like the bad guy and then bragging to everyone how she dumped him, because she doesn't deserve such treatment - she outplays you, looks like a hero and makes you look like the bad character to everyone, because of your poor behavior.

 

If he ghosts he is in no contact so she can't contact him. If she really doesn't care, as the OP has shown she doesn't, she isn't even going to try to contact him. In my case she tried two half-@ssed attempts to contact me, probably just to see if she could still yank my chain and get an ego stroke, and then I never heard from her again.

 

She has probably already told people she broke up with him months ago. He is also leaving the work place and country in a month. What does he care what people think of him that he will most likely never see again?

 

OP, always think ahead. If you take your coffee break and break up with her, it'll be swift and clean and none of the options above will happen. Think ahead

 

The options above are much more likely to happen if he breaks up with her rather than letting it fade away by ghosting.

 

There is a quote that rings true here that he OP needs to remember - "You will worry a lot less about what people think of you when you realize how seldom they do". People are too busy with their own lives to care about anything bad she might say about him.

[Frank13]

Call. If you have the choice between being right and being kind, choose being kind. Really. Call.

 

Fears aren't real. Face it. Beat it. Call her now.

 

It's unfortunate you didn't read this thread before posting. If you had you would realize the last thing she deserves or even cares about is his kindness. Treating people kindly who don't deserve it only encourages them to continue their bad behavior.

 

You keep looking at this like she is the poor innocent victim totally in love with him and wanting to be in a relationship with him. Nothing could be further from the truth.

[Frank13]

I broke up over text once. Biggest mistake ever. The what ifs are still haunting me. I lacked courage, I was petrified. It was terrible.

 

OP, you can only do this once. Do it right otherwise it will torment you for months. Years. If your feelings are genuine, take the plunge.

 

I ghosted and never looked back. Never felt bad or regretted it. By the time I did it the writing was clearly on the wall. Four years later I know it was the right thing to do. I left with my pride intact. Don't know for sure how she took it but don't care. There are no what-ifs haunting me.

 

Worse case scenario, if ghosting was wrong and she wanted to be with me she would have blown up my phone or came knocking on my door. Even so I wouldn't have given her a second chance. People don't change and it would have gone back to the same thing. I got a couple lame attempts at contact from her, probably for her ego to see if I was still capable of having my strings pulled or to make herself not look totally heartless.

[Frank13]

I don't know. Perhaps you are right.

 

If he calls and says "Hi. I'm calling it because it's easier to make my point. I've called to say I am unhappy and I want to break up with you. Thank you. Good bye" should be easier.

 

I see why texting or even email would be easier. as long as he's doing it.

 

Calling gives her the chance to schmooze him, attack him, or threaten him. What you are describing is just a text spoken verbally. No reason he can't do that by text and block or ignore her.

[266696687]

treating people kindly who don't deserve it only encourages them to continue their bad behavior. .

 

i'd actually say the reverse is true.

 

Ignoring someone's bad behaviour encourages them to continue it. By addressing it and letting them know you find their behaviour unacceptable and will not tolerate it allows them opportunity to reflect and adjust (not necessarily with you but perhaps the next person they are involved with). If no one tells them their behaviour is unacceptable how do you expect them to address it?

 

There's a difference between kindness and weakness. Weakness would allow them to continue. Kindness hurts no one.

[contel3]

This is true but he is leaving in a month so he may be able to really ghost then.

 

If he ghosts he can have both.

 

Why drag this on for a whole month? Ghosting is for people who have the determination and nerves to do it. OP keeps

engaging and responding to her bread crumbs. For him "ghosting" is just an excuse not to cut her off.

 

He can have both if he ghosts her properly. The wishy washy method is recipe for desaster and even more embarassment. That's why I suggested a formal break up.

[Frank13]

UPDATE:

 

She's been texting me breadcrumb texts (before I sent that message). So After I sent that text she messages me back 10 minutes later with THIS:

 

'Answer my questions!'

 

 

Is she CRAZY? I replied "i want to be professional from now on" and logged off what's app.

 

I think she's out of her mind...idk what's wrong with her..but she's making me nuts too now.

 

Hahahah. See, this caused a reaction that ghosting wouldn't have. She still doesn't care. She is just taking a hit to her ego.

 

It's like being rejected by someone under your league. It is one thing to be rejected by a 10 who you feel is out of your league. It is even expected. But if you get rejected by a 1 or 2 who you feel is way under your league, that hurts even worse because your ego thinks if a 1 or 2 doesn't want you that means you are so bad that no one would ever want you.

 

Please understand OP I am not saying you are a 1 or 2 or under her league. Based on what you have said you are way above her league. I am just saying she doesn't think you are worthy and thinks if anyone is going to be doing the breaking up it is going to be her.

 

What were the questions, if you want to say?

[Frank13]

I fully agree to your post. Not sure about the bolded.

 

OP, listen here: copy this message in your phone and then press the send button:

 

"Our relationship has been degrading since the last 4 months and this is not working out for me. I am breaking up with you. I don't want to be in contact, so I would appreciate it if you stopped making contact. Thank you."

 

Since he isn't ghosting, I am for this.

[266696687]

I ghosted and never looked back. Never felt bad or regretted it. By the time I did it the writing was clearly on the wall. Four years later I know it was the right thing to do. I left with my pride intact. Don't know for sure how she took it but don't care. There are no what-ifs haunting me.

 

Worse case scenario, if ghosting was wrong and she wanted to be with me she would have blown up my phone or came knocking on my door. Even so I wouldn't have given her a second chance. People don't change and it would have gone back to the same thing. I got a couple lame attempts at contact from her, probably for her ego to see if I was still capable of having my strings pulled or to make herself not look totally heartless.

 

The fact that an event that happened four years ago is still clearly etched in your memory (your whole advice is based on this one experience) suggests maybe you aren't as over it as you think you are and that perhaps you ghosting her was you hoping she would come knocking on your door begging. The fact that she didn't has reinforced you did the right thing in your mind but having not had the opportunity to discuss the relationship with your SO (by ending it or even continuing it) means you can only speculate as to how things would have turned out if you had. You can only assume she didn't care, you can only assume she called for an ego stroke, you can only assume she was trying to pull your strings because you never discussed it you will never know.

 

I'd always prefer clarity over guessing....

[Frank13]

i'd actually say the reverse is true.

 

Ignoring someone's bad behaviour encourages them to continue it. By addressing it and letting them know you find their behaviour unacceptable and will not tolerate it allows them opportunity to reflect and adjust (not necessarily with you but perhaps the next person they are involved with). If no one tells them their behaviour is unacceptable how do you expect them to address it?

 

There's a difference between kindness and weakness. Weakness would allow them to continue. Kindness hurts no one.

 

You didn't say addressing their bad behavior. You said if it is a choice of being kind or being right, then he should be kind. He shouldn't be kind to someone who doesn't deserve it. Being kind to them encourages them to continue bad behavior because there is no downside for them. At least if you ignore them you are telling them that you aren't putting up with it.

[266696687]

You didn't say addressing their bad behavior. You said if it is a choice of being kind or being right, then he should be kind. He shouldn't be kind to someone who doesn't deserve it. Being kind to them encourages them to continue bad behavior because there is no downside for them. At least if you ignore them you are telling them that you aren't putting up with it.

 

I wasn't the poster who said he should be kind.

 

I just jumped in to say in experience addressing bad behaviour is more proactive than ignoring it (in general).

 

The OP in this case has lacked the ability to address her bad behaviour along the way and has culminated into a massive communication problem.

[Frank13]

The fact that an event that happened four years ago is still clearly etched in your memory (your whole advice is based on this one experience) suggests maybe you aren't as over it as you think you are and that perhaps you ghosting her was you hoping she would come knocking on your door begging. The fact that she didn't has reinforced you did the right thing in your mind but having not had the opportunity to discuss the relationship with your SO (by ending it or even continuing it) means you can only speculate as to how things would have turned out if you had.

 

You are 1000% wrong. When I was ghosted I was done. The straw had broken the camel's back. In fact one of her attempts at contact was a voice mail because I left my turned phone off. For some reason she spoke very quietly, like perhaps there were other people around that she didn't want to overhear her. Anyway, I couldn't understand a word she said. She may have been pouring her heart out to me and in listening to the voicemail I thought that might be the case but I was done. It was too little to late. People don't blow you off and treat you badly and then suddenly change.

 

There was nothing to discuss and there would have been no other outcome. All it would have done is prolonged the pain for me. If I do have one regret it is that I didn't ghost sooner. I would have saved myself some pain and bad treatment.

 

A couple months before doing it I made plans to leave the company. As I said, I would not have taken her back.

 

Nothing is etched in my memory. I don't even think of it. The OP's post just was so similar to my circumstances that I wanted to given him the benefit of my experience and my experience on something that really happened may not be the same in all circumstances but it carries more weight then someone guessing what would happen who never had any experience.

 

You can only assume she didn't care, you can only assume she called for an ego stroke, you can only assume she was trying to pull your strings because you never discussed it you will never know.

 

Talking is only 10% communication. Haven't you ever heard that talk is cheap and it is actions that speak louder than words. Her actions shouted at the top of her lungs that she didn't care.

 

Even if my assumptions are wrong about her not caring or calling for an ego stroke it doesn't matter in the least and I don't care. It was a toxic situation that I am am happy to be out of. There was nothing left to save when I ghosted.

[266696687]

You are 1000% wrong. When I was ghosted I was done. The straw had broken the camel's back. In fact one of her attempts at contact was a voice mail because I left my turned phone off. For some reason she spoke very quietly, like perhaps there were other people around that she didn't want to overhear her. Anyway, I couldn't understand a word she said. She may have been pouring her heart out to me and in listening to the voicemail I thought that might be the case but I was done. It was too little to late. People don't blow you off and treat you badly and then suddenly change.

 

There was nothing to discuss and there would have been no other outcome. All it would have done is prolonged the pain for me. If I do have one regret it is that I didn't ghost sooner. I would have saved myself some pain and bad treatment.

 

A couple months before doing it I made plans to leave the company. As I said, I would not have taken her back.

 

Nothing is etched in my memory. I don't even think of it. The OP's post just was so similar to my circumstances that I wanted to given him the benefit of my experience and my experience on something that really happened may not be the same in all circumstances but it carries more weight then someone guessing what would happen who never had any experience.

 

 

 

Talking is only 10% communication. Haven't you ever heard that talk is cheap and it is actions that speak louder than words. Her actions shouted at the top of her lungs that she didn't care.

 

Even if my assumptions are wrong about her not caring or calling for an ego stroke it doesn't matter in the least and I don't care. It was a toxic situation that I am am happy to be out of. There was nothing left to save when I ghosted.

 

You certainly have an interesting perspective and I'm glad it worked for you and you were able to move on.

 

I think in the OP's case his situation isn't really toxic it's just a clash of different levels of investment and miscommunications. She's just not as in to him as he is to her and the expectations the OP had for the relationship hasn't been met with the reality.

Edited February 22, 2016 by 266696687

[BC1980]

Her actions have told the OP all he needs to know.

[OK_computer]

Man up and tell the words. Spell the words, buddy !!!

 

"I want to be professional from now on" and logging off is my break up.

Edited February 22, 2016 by OK_computer

[candie13]

I ghosted after knowing her 8 years. Admittedly I left work when I did and wasn't likely to cross paths again. Actually there was a slight possibility but at that point it was clear things were done and we probably wouldn't even have acknowledged each other.

so you could physically ghost her. He can't - not for one more month.

 

You don't know what will happen next.

You can make educated guesses and chose to amend behaviors based on it. If you keep playing with matches, you don't know that you will set your house on fire or at least burn your fingers, however if you keep playing with matches over and over again, any - if not both of these options will happen.

 

This is more likely to happen if he officially dumps her. Her pride will want to teach him a lesson so she will tell everyone he was a horrible bf and she dumped him.

I disagree, for the simple reason that he will never dump her. He lacks the courage to. This will never happen.

 

This is much more likely if he dumps her because she knows there is a possibility he will tell people he dumped her. She will want to beat him to the punch so as not too feel like a fool or have people think negatively of her because she got dumped. Ghosting lets things fade away before anyone cares to notice they aren't together.

he never will dump her. Case closed.

If he ghosts he is in no contact so she can't contact him. If she really doesn't care, as the OP has shown she doesn't, she isn't even going to try to contact him. In my case she tried two half-@ssed attempts to contact me, probably just to see if she could still yank my chain and get an ego stroke, and then I never heard from her again.

You can't ghost someone you work with, because you see them everyday. You can go no contact.

She has probably already told people she broke up with him months ago. He is also leaving the work place and country in a month. What does he care what people think of him that he will most likely never see again?

That is an unfounded assumption because he would have found out if she told people that they are broken up. You just want to be right.

 

The difference between my thinking and yours is that I am reasoning based on OP's current behavior and making hypothesis for what may happen in the future. You are making assumptions about what happened in the past. You make no sense.

 

The options above are much more likely to happen if he breaks up with her rather than letting it fade away by ghosting.

I disagree.

 

There is a quote that rings true here that he OP needs to remember - "You will worry a lot less about what people think of you when you realize how seldom they do". People are too busy with their own lives to care about anything bad she might say about him.

IT depends if they are her friends or their common work friends. I can tell you, if their colleagues know

they have problems, they will watch them very very attentively.

[candie13]

"I want to be professional from now on" and logging off is my break up.

so you weren't professional with her before? Where are you saying you want to close the personal interaction?

[candie13]

It's unfortunate you didn't read this thread before posting. If you had you would realize the last thing she deserves or even cares about is his kindness. Treating people kindly who don't deserve it only encourages them to continue their bad behavior.

Her behavior is her own responsibility. Treat others how you want to be treated. Studies have shown that those treating others with harshness and toughness start that behavior with themselves. That's sad.

 

You have no idea what she's really like, because we have only heard the OP's version. You do not know that she is vile 200%. What we have seen is a person unable to stand his ground, set limits, accept responsibility and speak his mind. A passive man. That would drive any normal woman insane. Does it justify her on again off again style of communication? Of course not. But the OP is not on this planet to teach anyone any lessons, he is here to make his own life better. And that starts by treating himself with kindness and others too. You don't treat the others with kindness because they deserve it. You treat the others with kindness because you deserve it.

 

You keep looking at this like she is the poor innocent victim totally in love with him and wanting to be in a relationship with him. Nothing could be further from the truth.

absolutely not. I think she is playing game, is immature and spoiled. I also think the OP enabled that behavior because he never said NO to her. And he continues the pattern of behavior now. He changes nothing now, when he is supposedly breaking up, just like he changed nothing when he was dating her.