candie13 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I ghosted and never looked back. You ghosted because of that straw that broke the camel's back and because you understood your ex felt nothing for you. Whatever she did, it was just too much for you. OP had no such "enough is enough" feeling. Something strong must happen, a strong awareness of "this is never to work out out" hit you. The OP is sending messages to his gf. His state of mind could not be more different from hers. He is hanging onto every little word his gf is uttering and says "what more can I do?". He wants her to react. He would LOOOOOVE if she jerked his chain some more. Never felt bad or regretted it. By the time I did it the writing was clearly on the wall. Four years later I know it was the right thing to do. I left with my pride intact. Don't know for sure how she took it but don't care. There are no what-ifs haunting me. I hope your pride and obvious resentment are keeping you warm at night. Keeping anger inside it's like drinking the poison and expecting the other person to drop dead. You are still hanging on to hatred and that is the best way of keeping those wounds open forever. On the contrary, being kind, forgiving, giving closure allows a person to go through the pain, to accept that they are not perfect, neither was their partner, both had responsibilities in that RS and both f*cked up. Accepting the other person's imperfection should start with accepting your own. And this is not because the other person is a good one or was a decent partner. No. This behavior is proven to be the most effective in moving on. No one can shortcut the pain. No one. You need to get through it, to get over it. In my humble opinion, this starts with letting go. Accepting that it's over, instead of being so hung up on whom hurt the other person worse. Who's suffering more. Your ex and OP's gf are not aliens. Aren's demons escaped from hell either. They are human beings with good and bad traits of character. With flaws. Just like you. Pride is a horrible sin. You are not hollier your ex. If you had, you'd have forgiven her. What I read is a bitter bitter man, 4 years later. This is what your dear pride gave you. This is you gift. The inability to let go and move on. I hope the OP's wiser than get stuck in the past. I let go. I have accepted and repented from my own mistakes in the RS and in the way I have left that RS. I've confessed my sins and limitations to God and to my ex. What happens from this moment onwards is out of my hands, because you can bring a horse to the water, but you cannot force it to drink. Worse case scenario, if ghosting was wrong and she wanted to be with me she would have blown up my phone or came knocking on my door. that is the best case, because she would have given both you and herself clarity. It appears that both of you were immature and failed to admit your part of responsibility in the failure of your RS. Even so I wouldn't have given her a second chance Perhaps because she realized that no second chance is possible, this is why she didn't ask for one. People don't change and it would have gone back to the same thing. on the contrary, people are surprising. If you spend your time judging them, you don't give yourself the time to love them. I got a couple lame attempts at contact from her, probably for her ego to see if I was still capable of having my strings pulled or to make herself not look totally heartless. At least she tried. Between the 2 of you, she was the mature one, because she tried to give herself and you closure. 4 years later, you are on a site filled with strangers rambling about an ending that you have denied yourself of. That is sad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Calling gives her the chance to schmooze him, attack him, or threaten him. What you are describing is just a text spoken verbally. No reason he can't do that by text and block or ignore her. The OP is not a helpless little girl. He can take a call with a woman, if he wants to. He can make a point, if he wants to. You don't know if she is this horrible woman trying to threatern or manipulate him or scream at him. Him giving her a call is the last thing she expects. She may answer, she may not answer, but it gives him the upper hand, because he'll take her by surprise. But this will never happen because the OP is too passive aggressive to take such a bold step. Most likely, she'll stop contacting him as well and in a few weeks, he'll post here again, wondering if his half-assed attempts at ghosting drove her away for good. Waste of time. Best of luck, OP, whatever you do - or don't do. Try to meditate on these words - if you change nothing, then nothing changes. Where do you expect that change to come from? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Her behavior is her own responsibility. Treat others how you want to be treated. Studies have shown that those treating others with harshness and toughness start that behavior with themselves. That's sad. You have no idea what she's really like, because we have only heard the OP's version. You do not know that she is vile 200%. What we have seen is a person unable to stand his ground, set limits, accept responsibility and speak his mind. A passive man. That would drive any normal woman insane. Does it justify her on again off again style of communication? Of course not. But the OP is not on this planet to teach anyone any lessons, he is here to make his own life better. And that starts by treating himself with kindness and others too. You don't treat the others with kindness because they deserve it. You treat the others with kindness because you deserve it. absolutely not. I think she is playing game, is immature and spoiled. I also think the OP enabled that behavior because he never said NO to her. And he continues the pattern of behavior now. He changes nothing now, when he is supposedly breaking up, just like he changed nothing when he was dating her. THIS. Especially the bolded. Brilliant. OKComputer, I don't give a sh*t about this girl. I do want to support you. And to that effect, I want to urge you to listen to Candie13. She't not more "right" than Frank; everyone's opinion is valid, but where she encompasses more is that she's focused on YOU behaving FOR YOU and not on debating how to come out of this with the upper hand. It doesn't matter who has the upper hand. In relationships, there is no "win." If someone does "win," it's sad because such a thing doesn't exist and the "winner" is really the "loser" because s/he has such a misguided view of human relations as to believe there are winners and losers. Like Candie13, I don't care about this girl or how she will react to this or that, and you shouldn't, either. This is about you setting in motion the kind of assertiveness, clarity, honesty, and self-respect you need to have for the healthy, happy, mutually respectful relationships I'm sure you hope to have in the future. You are showing a pattern in the dynamics of this relationship (that Candie13 spelled out above and I bolded), that is YOUR pattern and if you don't take now as the opportunity to reverse it, it will follow you into your next relationship and worse, determine whom your next relationship will be with, which will be someone with whom you can continue to carry out this unhealthy pattern. This is how we can be our own worst enemy in romance (and friendship and professional relationships, too). Saying, "I want to be professional from now on," is NOT a clear statement of closure to this water-logged, moss-covered stump of a relationship with this girl. It's wimping out on the real underlying message. The definition of passive-aggression is communicating one thing in hopes another thing will be understood. It just causes confusion and misery all-round, for both the passive-aggressive and the recipient of his or her murky, half-arsed efforts to communicate. "I do not want to be in a relationship with you anymore," is clear, concise, and can be followed up with, "I do not want to have any further communication with you save for what is necessary for work, and I will not respond to any texts, emails, or phone calls." Her reaction won't matter. No matter what you can wash your hands of it all after that and walk forward into your future as a single man being able to say, "I, OKComputer, know how to stand up for myself, say what I mean, and stand by what I want out of a relationship." And the more you do this, the easier it gets. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
266696687 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 "I want to be professional from now on" and logging off is my break up. This is just a confusing statement. You are expecting her to understanding your meaning from a meaningless statement. OP what is holding you back? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 "I want to be professional from now on" and logging off is my break up. That's not clear in any way. You are still beating around the bush, so don't be surprised when she keeps pulling you back into her games. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ilovemefirst Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Ok_computer, not that im saying you are wrong, but you are letting your pride get in the way. I would call her and tell her you cannot do this anymore. You are stooping to her level. Once your anger fades, you will wish you handled it better. I think you should tell her you need a little space to clear your head and then you will talk to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 That's not clear in any way. You are still beating around the bush, so don't be surprised when she keeps pulling you back into her games. He's afraid to say the actual words so he beats around the bush. He's afraid of finality. I think in one of his earlier posts he mentioned that he's never been able to end it with anyone before -- women have always ended it with him. "I want to be professional from now on" and logging off is my break up." He said everything but... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lchf Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 OP how old are you dude? You've done everything in between ghosting her and dumping her. You're playing games with a game player, stooping to her level creating more drama that could have all been avoided. Why do you remain in contact with her responding with ambivilence? Plenty of good advice has been given but you seem to have followed none of it. Either ghost 100% from now, or break up with her should she deserve it, but that's for you to decide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Gotta add to the pile on. "I want to be professional" is not a breakup -- it's a passive-aggressive attempt at being passive-aggressive. Either stand up and speak your peace without being cryptic or go all in on passive-aggressive and completely ghost. Stop playing games and being weird though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 He's afraid to say the actual words so he beats around the bush. He's afraid of finality. I think in one of his earlier posts he mentioned that he's never been able to end it with anyone before -- women have always ended it with him. "I want to be professional from now on" and logging off is my break up." He said everything but... The more I think about it, the more I feel that he wants to ghost to provoke her into wanting a relationship with him. Maybe just to provoke anything in her. It seems like most people that ghost are really and truly trying to get rid of the person and want nothing at all to do with them. I think the OP still wants a relationship and still loves this girl. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
266696687 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 "You clearly don't want to be my girlfriend anymore XXXX. I'm not angry. I'm not going to fight with you. I won't annoy you anymore or run after you. What more can you ask from me?" BC1980 - yes this is why we have been encouraging him to just breakup. He is clinging to this relationship and is definitely using ghosting just to provoke a reaction. If he genuinely wanted to breakup he would have just told her instead he sent her the above. He wants her to beg and say she does want to be his girlfriend. He is hoping and waiting for her to chase after him. This is why ghosting won't work in his situation because he isn't committed to following in through with it and is also is why he replies every time she reaches out. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 The more I think about it, the more I feel that he wants to ghost to provoke her into wanting a relationship with him. Maybe just to provoke anything in her. It seems like most people that ghost are really and truly trying to get rid of the person and want nothing at all to do with them. I think the OP still wants a relationship and still loves this girl. I thought the same thing. Provoking her in hopes she'll panic by his distance and "indifference" and maybe change her mind and the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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