Exasperated and shot confidence

[intothewild]

I'm a 33 year old woman and single for nearly 5 years. I guess I'm here mostly to express things that are hard for my friends and family to understand. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm pitying myself. I am but mostly I'm extremely frustrated, perplexed and sad.

 

It's hard for me to talk about this with my girlfriends. They are either married, coupled up or having far more better dating experiences than me.

 

The last few years has left me seriously questioning myself and constantly wondering what is wrong with me?

- Until my mid-to-late 20s, I was pretty shy. I am pretty gregarious now and I think can hold up a conversation when I'm comfortable but the awkward comes out at times and I don't know how to flirt or send romantic signals. I don't know if that's important but it makes me wonder if I was a better flirter, would I have had more successful dates?

- I honestly don't think I have a clue to as to what chemistry is. I can't tell if a date is interested in or not. I was on a date recently and I thought he was into me by his body language, by the length of the date and the conversation matter but at the end, he just said 'that was a great conversation. keep in touch' so I knew I totally misread him.

- I barely get any legitimate matches and few messages through OLD. I never have been very confident but I never thought I was hideous and it's befuddling to me why I am getting so few messages. I wonder if I'm delusional but I have been complimented in person and I do occasionally get approached by men sometimes IRL (i.e. not the bar). I'm not sure if something about the way I look or the content of my profile screams stay away.

- I have absolutely no idea how to text and maintain a guy's interest. Most of the men who I talked to on OLD fade out and I'm not sure what I should be saying instead.

- I tried to have a better screening process but I seem to generally attract men who are barely employed or are not very engaging people or who want a hookup/something casual. I tell myself that it's just luck if you meet someone great and click but I wonder if something I'm doing is attracting the wrong sort of men.

 

And because I'm sure you are wondering - I'm not overweight, in fact I'm very active. I'm 33 but I look 25. I have a good job, I'm not clingy or desperate or crazy. I'm kind but I guess I'm awkward sometimes. I'm not a fashionista but I dress ok.

 

Anyways after all this complaining, I guess I'm also looking for advice. Are there any tips on improving my OLD experience? Are there any other strategies for meeting people? I'm doing a lot of activities for the purpose of meeting someone but because I enjoy them. I've never met anyone through these things so I'm not sure if that's a strategy. I don't want this to be a big focus of my life but I really want some companionship and I feel so exasperated and feel that I'm out of options. I've tried not caring, I've tried caring. I don't what to do at this point.

[preraph]

I do think doing the activities you enjoy, as long as they are outside activities that are social, is one of the best ways to meet someone. But that is where your personality comes into play. I mean, it's hard to want to talk to someone who doesn't look comfortable with it. Honestly, without seeing you in action, it's hard to help. You have to be genuine, but you also have to be approachable. You're one among many who find OLD useless. So I'm only going to speak to social situations.

 

And to look approachable, you need to look like you're happy to be talking to others. When you're not, your body language will betray you. So concentrate on at least trying to look relaxed, and one of the simplest and best ways to look approachable to men is to make yourself keep a smile on your face. If they see you smiling and talking to someone else, you will look approachable enough for them. Also, you may someday meet someone through working with them as they slowly get to know you. But learn to smile even when your heart isn't in it.

[AMJ]

I'm also 33, I've also been single for 5 years- much longer than that really, All of my friends are also married. And I also think OLD is just miserable. My therapist said I need to find new friends who are single. I said, the thought of making new friends is exhausting. That's all I've ever spent my time and energy on, is making new friends everywhere I go. What's the point? Just to have a new group of people find relationships and leave me behind with pity since I'm still single and childless? I'm also not hideous, most people think I'm beautiful. I'm very successful in my career. I have no answers for you, but you're not alone!

 

People always say relationships come along when you're least looking for them. That's been true for me, but it was easier back then, since I didn't care about a relationship at all. I guess, rather than "learning to smile when your heart isn't in it" because...who can smile when all they want to do is cry, a better idea is to stop trying to date for awhile. Spend time and energy doing things that make your life better. Take an art class, join a soccer team or running club, volunteer, travel, whatever your heart desires. I do believe that love can find us that way, as well.

[Brontosaurus]

@intothewild To me, your post suggests too much concern about your appearance and dating mechanics and not enough about just being somebody that a man would want to be with.

 

If you're not getting messages through OLD, then you should have somebody look at your profile, including your photos, and ask for advice. Sometimes there are red flags we can't see ourselves.

 

As for the other stuff, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: the best way to maintain a guy's interest is to, tada, be interesting! Right now your post makes it seem like you're trying to play a role. If I'm on a date with you, I'm not there to see if I'm compatible with the person you're pretending to be. I'm there to see if I'm compatible with you.

[intothewild]

It is harder to make friends in your 30s too! Although I know it's possible since I've made friends through some of my activities but my city is pretty cliquey and it can be hard to break through. I would be friends with you

 

I know a lot of this is about timing and luck and in terms of who you're compatible with and attracted to. But it is tough to know you're getting older and it just gets that much harder to meet people (platonic or romantic).

 

I have made a list of new things I'd like to try this year. I hope good things come from that

 

I'm also 33, I've also been single for 5 years- much longer than that really, All of my friends are also married. And I also think OLD is just miserable. My therapist said I need to find new friends who are single. I said, the thought of making new friends is exhausting. That's all I've ever spent my time and energy on, is making new friends everywhere I go. What's the point? Just to have a new group of people find relationships and leave me behind with pity since I'm still single and childless? I'm also not hideous, most people think I'm beautiful. I'm very successful in my career. I have no answers for you, but you're not alone!

 

People always say relationships come along when you're least looking for them. That's been true for me, but it was easier back then, since I didn't care about a relationship at all. I guess, rather than "learning to smile when your heart isn't in it" because...who can smile when all they want to do is cry, a better idea is to stop trying to date for awhile. Spend time and energy doing things that make your life better. Take an art class, join a soccer team or running club, volunteer, travel, whatever your heart desires. I do believe that love can find us that way, as well.

[intothewild]

That is a very valid comment but I think after having a really tough time with dating that you start to second guess everything you do and everything about yourself. I've had a few people look through it including people who would be brutally honest, and they said that my profile was interestingly written and reflective of who I am with good pictures. In fact, some of my male friends were perplexed.

 

I do think it's important to show someone that you're interested because they're doubting whether you're into them as much as you are. I seem to have trouble showing that, probably due to a fear of rejection and I don't think that's dating mechanics, it's a part of the whole "courtship" for lack of better word.

 

@intothewild To me, your post suggests too much concern about your appearance and dating mechanics and not enough about just being somebody that a man would want to be with.

 

If you're not getting messages through OLD, then you should have somebody look at your profile, including your photos, and ask for advice. Sometimes there are red flags we can't see ourselves.

 

As for the other stuff, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: the best way to maintain a guy's interest is to, tada, be interesting! Right now your post makes it seem like you're trying to play a role. If I'm on a date with you, I'm not there to see if I'm compatible with the person you're pretending to be. I'm there to see if I'm compatible with you.