Asking certain questions when getting to know them

[LookAtThisPOst]

It seems I've been meeting a lot of people these days that are into some kind of recreation drug use. Some tend to go on these "spiritual journeys" in some cases taking certain mind altering substances when going out on remote retreats.

 

I had met some women online lately that said they go on these retreats and the like, but I asked her, "You don't take mind altering hallucinogenics when going out to these events, do you?"

 

She said, "Oh cripes man! This conversation is over" as if was such a ridiculous question to ask.

 

But is it really?

 

I find that when trying to find out certain things about a person, should you get it out of the way on the first date, or...wait till they light up when you're on date #10 with them.

 

That's just an example, but isn't' there some things your better off knowing sooner than later by directly asking them without sounding too interrogative in nature?

 

For instance, I've been talking to this woman on a dating site that expressed she's been divorced from her ex for many years, but considers him a BEST friend and her future partner better be okay with this.

 

Luckily, she lives no where near him, otherwise I'd be concerned, but I feel like bringing this up early into the dating process...asking about the nature of their relationship and where their boundaries lie.

 

Would this be too forward or not? How soon is too soon to be asking questions like this? I'm of the reasoning that if it's mentioned in the profile, then it's open for discussion.

[d0nnivain]

I am very anti drug. It's never soon to ask about the deal breakers in my book.

 

 

You aren't trying to change the other person. You aren't trying to get them to quit. You are simply determining what and who you will let in your life. I'm not about to start hanging out with somebody who thinks its OK to bring their stash into my car or house; I'm not about to go someplace where I could get charged with constructive possession because of their habits.

[WaitingForBardot]

You have the right to ask and know anything you'd like about people you become/plan on becoming involved with, at pretty much any time. And they have the right to react in any way they'd like in response to those questions.

[AMJ]

Well, an alternative might be to ask more questions about the retreat. You can tell pretty quickly from someone's story about an event like that whether or not drugs are involved. If anyone mentions going to Burning Man (a huge festival in the US) I write them off.

 

But when a man or any person starts with the interrogating questions, it just takes the fun out of dating altogether. I feel like people should get to know each other naturally, and feel like the nature of online dating relegates all of us to become a stereotype. I am a wine-drinker, a non-smoker, a swimmer, a college graduate, who likes dogs. That fits nicely in a box, right? One guy had on his profile- "If you have ever had an STD, please leave me alone". I thought that was a bit extreme.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well, an alternative might be to ask more questions about the retreat. You can tell pretty quickly from someone's story about an event like that whether or not drugs are involved. If anyone mentions going to Burning Man (a huge festival in the US) I write them off.

 

But when a man or any person starts with the interrogating questions, it just takes the fun out of dating altogether. I feel like people should get to know each other naturally, and feel like the nature of online dating relegates all of us to become a stereotype. I am a wine-drinker, a non-smoker, a swimmer, a college graduate, who likes dogs. That fits nicely in a box, right? One guy had on his profile- "If you have ever had an STD, please leave me alone". I thought that was a bit extreme.

 

Right...I had seen some women saying "I'm disease free" as one of their criteria or character listings in their profile.

 

But...when you think about...that's a good thing, right? Unless they are lying of course.

 

OK Cupid even has their sexual questions and other personal stuff that's open for all to see. If you address those questions for clarification on a couple of them on a first date or even before hand...can it haze things up and kill the moment?

 

The whole "too much, too soon"?

 

Some have thought of online dating being the best things since sliced bread because you tend to find out MORE about the person even before meeting and prior to the internet, you never found out a boyfriend's drug use until a year into a relationship...stuff like that.

[AMJ]

Oh I forgot about those OKCupid questions. They do get really personal sometimes. I was on there a few years ago. Yeah I mean, the whole goal is to find someone we're compatible with...but I guess I just mean the process has become so superficial and we start becoming more judgmental than we should be. Of all my friends who are married, only one couple met online. And the friends who met their spouses the old fashioned way overlooked things like height requirements, race, education, or whatever else because they fell in love with who the other person was.

 

Even though you aren't trying to be judgmental, people who are used to being scrutinized in OLD get offended more easily by those type of questions. Its a romance-killer.

 

I think I open up more quickly, and talk about myself more easily when I'm on a date with a man who's accepting, and I feel won't judge me. At the end of the day, most women really just want someone to listen to us talk and get to know us, but we close up when we feel like you won't like us based on something we say. I think its better for information to come out naturally.

 

I understand though, that you have deal-breakers. So, not a good idea to waste time with someone if drug use is a deal breaker and they love drugs. I guess, try to keep your list of deal breakers short for the first date or two?

[LurkerXX]

Well two things about this could have come off wrong, and could to another person regardless of gender.

 

If you know or have known anyone who is an addict, they, especially ones whose addictions involve illegal drugs, often ask a lot of prying questions about events where you can get drugs. So you may have come off like a druggie yourself.

 

The other end of this is the people who are definitely not into drugs, and the 'gotcha' way that this question was asked. As in, "I know you are not that spiritual or artistic or nature loving, and are going on that retreat for ulterior motives.' It would be like an insecure women accusing a man of cheating when he goes hunting or out with the guys.

 

Best thing is just to show an interest in the retreat comment and ASK her about what they do, not assume.

[MissBee]

You can ask the questions early; however, HOW you ask makes a big difference. As cliched as it is, it's true, it's almost never what you say but how you say it that determines how it is received and the results.

 

If someone told me they went on a retreat, I wouldn't say "You don't take recreational drugs there do you?" That is a "question" that already presumes the answer in the phrasing and can come off really judgmental, so I get why she was like ugh no, bye. Something like "Oh, what was the retreat like? I've heard of it before and hear that part of it is spiritual journeys using peyote." That latter way of asking is open, doesn't presume an answer and doesn't sound judgmental in the same way "You weren't using drugs there were you????" sounds... It allows the person to feel comfortable to truthfully share their experience and then you can decide after if what they shared works for you or not. But making them defensive from jump or asking a question that already clues them in that you don't like that is just awkward and unpleasant for all or some people will simply lie about it because they know the answer you're looking for based on how you asked which defeats the purpose of having it be open without judgment so they can share their real answer.

 

So yea...you can get away with a lot of things if you are tactful and know how to ask your questions in a non-judgmental way. If I wanna know if a man does drugs or any other thing based on something he said I'd ask him to explain more about how the thing was or other detail which will reveal it or just ask something more open (within the context of a relevant conversation) rather than phrase it in a judgmental way that presumes the answer or gives away my disdain.

Edited February 18, 2016 by MissBee

[todreaminblue]

i think if you feel scared to ask honest questions then a problem already exists...its like walking on eggshells isnt it.....especially when it comes to important topics that mean something to you...i think you should ask what you need to ask for yourself to continue an honest relationship with anyone....drugs past relationships.....sincere and non invasive really questions..i consider invasive sexual....like do you do anal or highly seualised questions.....are in bad taste.....but

 

 

about past relationships and drugs should be answered honestly....even if you feel its a stupid question to ask it might not be so stupid to the other person

 

i would like to feel trust and for the other person to trust me, when i get to know someone and honesty is vulnerability and that includes sincere questions that go somewhere and serve a purpose......its the only true way to know someone is to ask those questions......and if they roll their eyes and call you stupid or let out exaggerated breath..then thats not the type of guy or potential relationship i really want to get to know...its actually pretty telling about their patience and understanding levels.....someone who is forthright and understands the value of honesty,social understanding and patience is the guy i would get to know further......deb

[TheArtist]

I don't think you need to go too far into this stuff, just keep it light. Like d0nnivain, I'm very anti-drug too, and I wouldn't date a smoker, so simply ask, 'Do you smoke?', 'No', 'Drugs of any kind?', 'No', 'Then let's go eat!'

[serial muse]

Yeah, I suspect the issue is that, as Miss Bee said, the question presumes the answer.If she's excited about this experience and wants to share it, you could just ask her what it was like, what she liked about it, whether it was transformative, whatever. You could even say that you've never been to such an event, and ask what happens. If she's a peyote enthusiast, it would come out right there; people excited to share aren't going to be coy about it.

 

What happened was she lobbed a conversational opener at you and you hit it into the net, by going super negative about an experience she clearly felt was positive. And drugs may not have been part of it at all. Womp womp womp.

 

Tl;dr: listening rather than judging will tell you -quickly and with more certainty - what you want to know. Think about it: you still don't know the answer.

 

As for the divorced woman - I think it's reasonable to ask where the boundaries lie. It would be unreasonable for someone who says "my future partner better be OK with this" not to be willing to answer questions about it. You clearly wouldn't be prying too soon, because she already put it out there.

Edited February 22, 2016 by serial muse