Coping with breakup while also losing friends

[Raina314]

I've already posted about my breakup, but i feel like the rest of my social life is also falling apart.

To start, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me a few months ago and it crushed me.

Coping with that is hard enough as it is, but it's exacerbated by the fact that my social life is falling apart (unrelated to the breakup.)

 

I found out that the girl I used to call my best friend, who was also my only female friend has just been using me because I let her stay at my house and drive her places when she needs a ride (she doesn't drive). Now that she lives with her bf, she doesn't come see me unless it's to ask me for a favor and she bailed on me for him when I really needed her after my breakup. She's been kinda flaky for years and all our mutual friends warned me about it because of the treatment they got from her, but I didn't listen.

 

Now I'm fed up with it and she's basically out of the picture, but my other group of friends is also falling apart because a few of them moved away after college and everyone else sorta splintered off. We used to go out every week but now I only see a few of them every once in a while.

 

My other friends are mutual friends with my ex so I've been avoiding them, which I'm planning to stop soon, but its still been rough.

 

What it comes down to is that in basically coping all alone and I don't know where to turn. While the rest of my social life had started going downhill in the summer/fall, my boyfriend was sorta my little patch of sunshine, so him saying he didn't want to be in a relationship was especially hard.

 

As anyone ever been through anything similar? How do you get through something like this on your own?

Edited February 17, 2016 by Raina314

[Emaize3]

I've been going through the same. I really need my friends after this breakup and everybody is tired of my whining. I even got in an argument with my sister when she said aftet 2 weeks post break up "are you still dwelling on him?" I was so upset! I did reach out to an old friend who has been there but again, not as much as before. I guess that's why we're on this site.

[Raina314]

Yeah, that's tough too. I'm sure the friends I do have are getting tired of my negativity and I totally get that. But it's so hard to act like I'm okay and like I'm not thinking of my ex when I am.

 

And just 2 weeks? That's crazy! I actually read an article a little while ago that said you should stop your grieving after just 1, and my jaw dropped. Weeks?? After months or years of being with someone? I don't think that's realistic for anyone who cared about their relationship so I don't know how people come to that conclusion.

 

But yeah, I guess that is why we're on here. But I must say I like this community a lot better than another one I was on for a few days. People here are really kind and understanding.

[healingsoul]

Really I am sorry you are going through this and finding out the hard way who are real friends and who are not. Yes, this happens to people who are really nice and giving. My son has been through a situation very similar to yours and about the same time in his life. He invested so much in the guys that he lived with and the girls that hung around. He would do anything for anyone, but he had to learn the hard way that he always got the short end of the stick and that no one was ever around for him especially when he had needs to be met.

 

Also, another one of my sons lost about half of his friend group because of an ex girlfriend and the friends had to decide which person to spend time with him or the ex. It broke my heart to see him lose so many friends because of a break up with a girl but she decided to date one of his guy friends, so it split the group.

 

I really think most people don't think about anyone except for themselves. That might sound really bad but it can take a while to find people who will be there for you through thick and thin.

 

Just don't let these experiences jade you and change you, except to be on guard for fake friends and be careful not to allow yourself.

 

Keep focusing on what you need to do for yourself to become the best person you can possibly be. Use this extra time you have to invest in training, learning, education, and experience in building your career/future. As you do this other people will come into your life and you will be ready for them and be improving and investing in yourself.

[Emaize3]

You are correct healingsoul. People only think about themselves and they're problems and can be very harsh and insensitive. I can say with certainty that I am always there for someone in need. I love being there for people.

[brothers343]

Thats the pit fall sometimes of having to many friends, sometimes they can be your worse enemies. Your hurting now but like everything else it will pass and something new will come your way. And believe it or not.....you don't need friends to survive this course that the heavens are putting you through. Good luck.

[Raina314]

Thanks guys.

 

I guess it is true that people are mostly pretty self-centered and part of me knew that, but you don't really feel it until you're alone.

 

Also, another one of my sons lost about half of his friend group because of an ex girlfriend and the friends had to decide which person to spend time with him or the ex. It broke my heart to see him lose so many friends because of a break up with a girl but she decided to date one of his guy friends, so it split the group.

 

Fortunately the group of friends I share with my ex is really mature and understanding. Even though a lot of them were his friends first, they mostly all say that he messed up and think I was a good girl for him so they didn't shut me out and while they disagree with his choice, they still care for him as a friend so they're not shutting him out either. I just needed to spend time away from them so as to not run into my ex. But it's been almost two months now and I think I'll at least be able to handle them in a group setting again.

[healingsoul]

That is great that they are so mature. It took almost over a year for things to settle down in my son's group of friends for them all to be able to be together again.

 

 

Fortunately the group of friends I share with my ex is really mature and understanding. Even though a lot of them were his friends first, they mostly all say that he messed up and think I was a good girl for him so they didn't shut me out and while they disagree with his choice, they still care for him as a friend so they're not shutting him out either. I just needed to spend time away from them so as to not run into my ex. But it's been almost two months now and I think I'll at least be able to handle them in a group setting again.

[healingsoul]

Don't kid yourself. It takes much longer than 1 or 2 weeks to heal from ex relationships even when they end on the best of terms. I would say 6 months is the shortest time. It is best for a person to give themselves at least a full year to regain their singleness and become whole again. Too many people hop from one person to the next. Most people have spoken or unspoken rules that friends don't date other friends ex's no matter who long, just out of simple respect for their friends. I personally think this is a very good rule if you really care about your friendships.

 

Yeah, that's tough too. I'm sure the friends I do have are getting tired of my negativity and I totally get that. But it's so hard to act like I'm okay and like I'm not thinking of my ex when I am.

 

And just 2 weeks? That's crazy! I actually read an article a little while ago that said you should stop your grieving after just 1, and my jaw dropped. Weeks?? After months or years of being with someone? I don't think that's realistic for anyone who cared about their relationship so I don't know how people come to that conclusion.

 

But yeah, I guess that is why we're on here. But I must say I like this community a lot better than another one I was on for a few days. People here are really kind and understanding.

[Raina314]

Don't kid yourself. It takes much longer than 1 or 2 weeks to heal from ex relationships even when they end on the best of terms. I would say 6 months is the shortest time. It is best for a person to give themselves at least a full year to regain their singleness and become whole again. Too many people hop from one person to the next. Most people have spoken or unspoken rules that friends don't date other friends ex's no matter who long, just out of simple respect for their friends. I personally think this is a very good rule if you really care about your friendships.

 

Oh, absolutely. I wasn't implying that there was any merit to that timeframe. 6 months is about right for me and I. Ant even stomach the idea of wanting someone else for quite awhile.

[Raina314]

Okay, so, there are two big things I'd sorta like to talk about with this post.

 

To start, I just found out that my offer for this condo I bid on was accepted, so I'm moving out of my parents' house for the first time soon. It's a huge change, and as I mentioned above it comes at sort of a transitional time because I've lost a lot of friends as well as my ex. Whenever I imagined myself moving out before, I always imagined doing it with my best friend, who is no longer my best friend for a variety of reasons, or with my bf, who is now my ex.

 

Now I find myself moving out all on my own. I'm still excited - I got a really good deal on a pretty nice place and it's a new step for me. But I'm also nervous and sad. I always am when a big change happens in my life, and I know I made the right decision because I actually do feel more excited than depressed, which is rare when I have to deal with change. But I know I'll be lonely sometimes and I don't know how I'm going to cope with it yet. I'm disappointed that some of the people I loved most are no longer in my life and I wish I could be sharing this with them. It just hurts.

 

I also want to have a housewarming party, but I don't know how I'm going to do the invitations. As I mentioned, a lot of my friends are mutual friends with my ex and it would be really obvious I was leaving him out if I invited them. It was supposed to be an amicable breakup, we agreed that we could be friends, but we haven't contacted or seen each other since the breakup in January. So part of me thinks I should invite him as a show of good faith, but I also think that's a bad idea for my healing process. Maybe I'll just leave that whole group of friends out of the party and hope they don't find out? Or maybe just not have a party x(. Idk.

 

On to part II:

 

I'm doing better than I was at the beginning of my breakup (as I should be), but recently I talked to my best friend (who's a mutual friend with my ex) and we talked about him. Even though the conversation basically resulted in me finding out that my ex is not doing so great, it really just made me feel sadder for him and brought out this stupid wish that I could help him even though I know I can't and whatever he's going through is no longer my problem.

 

To explain, my ex was always really good at hiding his deeper emotions - he was completely destroyed and heartbroken by his first breakup over three years ago, and though at the beginning of our relationship he really seemed like he was over it, I'm now not so sure he ever really was. My friend said that after the first breakup, he didn't put as much effort into anything else and stopped coming out as much. He also never told any of his friends about what happened, when we started dating, he told me and we had a long, heartfelt talk about it and we agreed that even though it's awful, everyone has an experience like that at some point and it does make you stronger. He told me he was really happy to be there with me and asked me to tell him if he ever did anything wrong because he really wanted it to work. But that was the first and last really deep conversation we had. For the rest of the relationship, our conversations were always much more surface-level and he was rather emotionally unavailable, he never told me if he was upset or stressed or sad and he wasn't there for me when I was, but somehow I fell really hard anyways. When he broke up with me, he said it was because he wasn't emotionally mature enough and he didn't love me.

 

During the conversation I had with my friend, he told me that my ex hadn't told any of his friends about this breakup either and that he's even more distant and closed off than before. He just graduated college and hasn't found a job yet. Instead of feeling good about myself that I'm objectively doing better (I can and do talk to my friends about my feelings, I do have a job, I'm getting my own place) I just find myself really hurting for him and I dearly wish I could help him. I know I can't. I know it's on him. But how do I stop feeling all this tender sympathy for him that no longer has a place in my life?

[Raina314]

Struggling with this again.

 

The mutual friends I have with my ex (most of which were his friends first) invite me to events on a fairly regular basis. A lot of them I don't have much interest in, but the one next weekend I do and I don't have any other friends to go with. But if I go, I'm gonna feel down and humiliated the whole time because it's just another public reminder that I lost him and we aren't together anymore.

 

If I don't go, it's like admitting I'm too upset and humiliated to even see him and I'm not strong or mature enough to handle the fact that sometimes relationships don't work out.

 

I should be strong enough to just put on a good face and have fun with friends, right? I feel so pathetic that I don't think I am. But if I go, I'll just feel like that loser girl who got dumped :/.

 

It's a really fun, annual event, and I'm so bummed that I can't seem to find any way for myself to enjoy it . Either way I'm gonna feel pathetic and weak. Advice?

Edited April 24, 2016 by Raina314