Starting to realize how toxic my mother is

[ElectricTangerine]

So, growing up, I've always been the Golden Child to both of my parents. I had one brother who was 8 years older, and was acting out until he entered university. His behavior would cause a great deal of stress to my parents, especially my mother, and I would always end up being the one to comfort her. I started being her emotional surrogate husband from a very early age. She would often talk to me about problems she was having with my dad, her parents, coworkers and would seek my advice as if I was an adult. She also slept in my bedroom until I was around 11 or 12. Her and my dad would fight, and they would fight dirty, with name calling, insults and loud volume. I would feel bad for my dad because he seemed so defenseless when my mother attacked him, so I would try to comfort him as well. Most of the time, I felt this was just normal. But I didn't have the courage to ever say no to my parents - especially my mother. When I was still a child my parents would talk about how horrible teenagers are, how they suddenly go wild and become rude and disrespectful. I remembered that well and was concerned about becoming a teenager myself, because I didn't want to hurt my parents. When my parents acknowledged that I was growing up and my interests were changing, they would get sad and express that to me. So I would pretend to still like things I did when I was younger. I felt guilty if I spent time with friends instead of with my parents. Also, me and my mother were "friends", meaning that we would tell each other everything - I felt obliged to share everything that was going on in my life. I remember getting a journal with a lock when I was in first or second grade. I was so excited, I wrote a couple of pages, locked it, but then felt uneasy that I'm keeping something from my mom, so I showed it to her. In addition to all this, my mother would also tell me about her ailments and get me to massage her. I would sometimes dispense her herbal medications for anxiety. I always disliked it.

 

As a teenager I basically stopped eating for about two years and dropped 25 kg. I would throw food away, lie about having eaten... Then overeat and feel guilty. I could never make myself puke though, even though I tried. I was also quite depressed and lonely, and seriously contemplated suicide. My parents don't know about any of this, I hid it well. Then, at 17 I was diagnosed with cancer and went through chemo and radiation. Throughout my fight with the disease, I stayed strong. I was more worried about the impact of the disease on my parents than what it meant for me and what I was going through. I survived it, put it behind me and I've been cancer free for 8 years now. My mother, however, still brings it up whenever I'm doing something she feels is unhealthy, even if it's just staying up late. I used to study a lot at nights before I got sick, and she's convinced that gave me cancer (combined with my short experimentation with being vegetarian, which I was ridiculed for anyway). She will go to great lengths to stop me, including turning off electricity in the whole house and scream at me the next day, or give me silent treatment. I feel she treats my cancer as something that was done to her, as opposed to something that happened to me.

 

When I was 22, I went abroad to study. I still kept in touch with my parents on a regular basis however as months passed, I would call them less and less. Any time I talked to my mother, I listened to her complain about my brother. Talking to my dad was similar. There were times when I struggled, but I felt like I couldn't share it with them. But overall, moving abroad was the best decision I ever made, I made a lot of amazing friends and really grew roots in a new city all by myself. I loved living there and I was proud of myself for all that I have done. Even though they had the money, my mother never visited me. I lived only a 2h plane ride away, the tickets were cheap and she could easily afford them. My dad at least visited me once, which was nice.

 

One year after I moved abroad, my brother died in a car accident. His death changed everything. My parents are crushed by it - especially my mother. I can barely stand talking to her now. Whenever I tell her something about my life, she finds a way to tell me why it's a bad idea. She constantly gives me advice I didn't ask for. I want to continue living abroad, she's telling me to move back home. I don't want children, she wants to be a grandmother. I want to continue my education (which I've worked very hard for) with a PhD, she tells me that there's no point in doing that, that she would prefer me working as a cashier in my home town. What the actual ****?

 

Most opinions I have, stuff I like, she finds a way to somehow put it down. It's always trumped by her "experience". If I disagree, she hits me back with "I hope you'll understand when you're older". Which doesn't help me much. She wants me to listen to everything she says and obey her. I'm 25 for ****s sake. If I don't listen, I'll end up dead (just like my brother). It's like she's not even talking to me, just projecting. All the time. I hate going back to my home town to visit now. I was there for 2 weeks during the holidays, mostly out of duty. It was torture for me, I was incredibly anxious the whole time. I don't know how to communicate with her anymore. I don't really even want to, if I'm brutally honest. Can't even share what kind of haircut I'd like to get without her saying that I'll look like a whore, and get something else instead.

 

I read a book about emotional incest recently, and it was a difficult read. I could recognize myself and my relationship with my parents in it, and it was horrifying. The anger I felt towards them but had no idea where to place suddenly made more sense. So did some of my personality traits. I've always thought that the relationship I had with my mother was "special", that she was a good mother, loved me very much, we were friends... It's a total mind**** to now reflect on my childhood.

 

I haven't contacted my mother for over a month. I've never gone this long before. I did speak to my dad, which was nice. But I dread speaking to my mother again. I don't know what to say to her. I resent her words, I am angry at her actions. I cannot just brush it off, and at the moment I don't know how to make it stop and forgive.

 

My mother was physically and emotionally abused by her parents. She would speak of it, but never seek any help. She claims she has processed it, but I feel that's far from truth. She's a perpetual victim and uses "I've had trauma" as an excuse for her behavior constantly. Tells me I should be more understanding. But I never get the same kind of understanding back, and I'm really getting sick of it. I've only very recently realized that I've been trying to shield my parents from experiencing any kind of difficult emotions my whole life, at my expense. In all situations, I felt like their suffering was worse than mine, so I had no room to complain. I'd minimize what I was going through and mark my emotions and experience as not that important. Writing it all out makes me think of just how ****ed all of this is. And maybe my experiences with cancer, death of my brother, kind of developing an eating disorder and nearly committing suicide were in fact very difficult for me and were real traumatic experiences, not just me being stupid, silly, and overdramatic.

 

I've seen a therapist about it before, but I felt like her advice wasn't good. Currently, I cannot see a therapist because I can't afford it, and it's not covered by my insurance. That will most likely change in a few months though, and I do realize that I need to seek advice from a professional. But I just want some advice and perspective from internet strangers in the meantime. All comments are very much appreciated. Thank you for taking time to read my story.

 

TL;DR:

* Golden child, parents (especially mother) emotionally incestuous

* 25 years old now, brother died about 2 years ago, don't know how to continue a relationship with my mother

* Realizing how ****ed up everything is, seeking advice

[Mirage10]

Wow! You have certainly been through a lot, to say the least. Well done for trying to make something of yourself, amongst the ****storm(s) that you had to endure so far.

You mother seems like she is suffering from low self esteem and projecting that to people around her. The rediculing, wanting you to become a cashier in your home town (so not aspire to anything better), etc., seems typical of someone that cant except those around hertrying to improve themselves. It is almost if she is subconsciously trying to keep you down at a level that she can control you so that she can have you around.

 

You can't blame a parent for wanting their children around them, but she seems to be going about it the wrong way. Quite destructive to your elationship with her, but I bet she does not realise what she is doing.

 

Maybe if you can try to understand why she is the way she is, it can make you realise way she is behaving like this and "not take it to heart". It could also give you the emotional strength to stand firm on your own decisions and what you want out of life, rather than feeling guilty for wanting to live your life. She is acting the way she is not because you are doing anything "wrong", but rather because she has her own issues and unfortunetly it is being projected onto you.

Seems like she has used you for an emotional crutch when you were living at home and now she is acting out, because you are living abroad, etc. Not visiting you is most probably a ploy to draw you to come home, or something along those lines, she is most probably burning to see you.

 

Just my opinion, maybe I am completely wrong...

[LaraC]

"When I was still a child my parents would talk about how horrible teenagers are, how they suddenly go wild and become rude and disrespectful. I remembered that well and was concerned about becoming a teenager myself, because I didn't want to hurt my parents. When my parents acknowledged that I was growing up and my interests were changing, they would get sad and express that to me. So I would pretend to still like things I did when I was younger."

 

Really, what she was afraid of was you becoming independent. The teen years are when you transition from child to adult. That includes expressing your feelings, your needs, and becoming your own person. That they wanted you to remain a perpetual child is very selfish.

 

Sometimes I wonder if what these parents really desire in their heart is a human dog, forever obedient and subservient to their master.

 

I believe what you are describing is a syndrome known as co-dependent / narcissist. Co-dependency and narcissism are often two sides of the same coin. I'm seeing both here, both her clinging to you and her extreme self-centeredness, in which her feelings and struggles are the only ones that matter. Frequently seen in narcissistic families is the picking of favorites, aka those who play along, and un-favorites or black sheep who get heaps of blame and criticism. This happens in a bubble completely divorced from reality, maintained and self-reinforcing by those who participate in it. It sounds like your brother was the un-favorite, criticized probably because he wouldn't play along. While you were rewarded for going along with their demands as the "golden child" as you put it. I've noticed the un-favorite often tends to be switched around, one year it's the aunt who is causing "all the problems" and another month it may be the husband, or a nephew. There has to be a black sheep because these people need an outlet for their frustration and anger. Now that your brother is not around to absorb the brunt, and you are standing up for yourself and refusing to be subservient and dependent, is it possible you are getting the relentless criticism and un-favorite treatment? It sounds like a pattern where your actions demonstrating independence, such as picking a hairstyle or staying up late, is what triggers the abuse and punishment. I am wondering if similar actions demonstrating independence by your brother are what they complained about, when criticizing him.

[Dorothy Dee]

I have lived in a similar surrounding. I am good with my mother as long as I am doing what she expects but as long as I 'stray' with my ideas, she dismisses them as insignificant or she turns into one of her 'you will see when you get older' or 'when you get married' (i am engaged) fits. She never sees good in anything, she often despises my father and blames him and my grandpa for her ruined life. (My dad was unemployed for a long time and my grandpa build a house that needed a lot of repairment). When I am alone with her, she talks against my father. They used to fight a lot. She calls me stupid and predicts my failure because I am leaving job here in our town to move abroad and marry my fiance. It is really a long and painful story of me growing up in two parallel worlds, one that pleases her and the other that is me, free of guilt, sometimes crazy, young, carefree... It was almost impossible to balance these two because she always interrupted my happiness by screaming, fighting, threatening, telling me that I am bad, that girls are not supposed to behave like I did. I did nothing wrong. I began hiking with my ex, she once even hit me with a wooden fence part because I was out on Tuesday! She thinks that is a normal behavior and that as a child of hers I should succumb. Now she blames me for her heart problems and high blood pressure. I am literally not allowed to live my life. I am scared of future, terrified! She always threatened me with marriage, with mother in law with husband... Always 'you will see'. I am only good when I go to work and back. It is hard to put things clearly because, as you said, it is a relationship that looks loving and we look like friends but it is eatin me up. I don't want any harm to her but I want to save myself. I believe we have all the rights to live our lives, we do not owe the, everything, we can give them love and support but we should not sacrifice our dreams and wishes for our parents. I am still suffering but also hoping once I move out I will find myself again. Let's be strong, right?

[Emilia]

I can relate to a lot in your post OP. I no longer speak to my mother. I think I was 14 when she first told me that I looked like a whore and it was my fault that she couldn't have boyfriends. That theme pretty much carried on for years until I escaped to the UK at the age of 20. Then she spent the next 20 years trying to move me back so that she could abuse me further. She has done a very good job on my sister completely infantilising her, she is 40 going on 16.

 

You have to choose your path and what's on your side is that you are young. You can completely turn this around

[lifeisbeautiful]

First off, big hugs to you. I can very much relate to your post. It's a frustrating situation to deal with when you realize that your mother is toxic.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry for what you've had to go through in your life. Sincerely.

 

All I want to say to you is that having been in regular therapy myself for over 15 years, one of the things I learned about getting and staying mentally healthy is that you have to find the courage to cut out the toxic people in your life...and sometimes that means having to cut out toxic family members.

 

Unfortunately we don't get to choose are parents or families but we do get to choose the path we take towards finding happiness and peace.

 

Good luck to you.

[MillyZon4]

Your mom sounds like a near carbon copy of mine... I have been going through many of the same things. I feel as though she wanted to keep me a child and became hostile when I started pursuing good opportunities to progress myself. I also wanted to go to college out of state and was told they would cut me off completely unless I went to the one school they wanted which was a religious institution close to home.

I am not the golden child, however was during my teenage years when I was deemed her last hope. My sister is now the Golden Child and can do no wrong in her eyes as she most resembles my mom. Emotional incest, yes. My siblings and I have been her parents since I can remember. It's odd to feel as though you are a parent to your parent, yet they want you to remain a child so they can control you.

 

I am reading a book that could really help you... your mom may very well have NPD. It's called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" and deals with the issue of relationships between narcissistic mothers and their daughters and provides really good insight into first the characteristics of a narcissistic mother (which sound really similar to those you described), second, the effects this has on a daughter, and third, how to grieve and heal from this relationship. It has been a huge blessing to me and I feel more peaceful and trust in myself.

 

I think you are allowed to feel angry at your mother. You're also allowed to take some time for yourself, be an adult, and focus on who YOU are and what is best for YOU without any manipulation or guilt trips. If her goal is to love you for who you are and not for what you do, she will get on board with this.

[MissCongeniality]

Sometimes I wonder if what these parents really desire in their heart is a human dog, forever obedient and subservient to their master.

Believe me there are parents like that and some are not shy about admitting it. Sadly not everyone can just stand up to their parents. I certainly cant. Op do what you want before you find yourself turning into a human doormat.

Edited February 25, 2016 by MissCongeniality

[lilyrocks9956]

Geez. I wish I could give you a big hug right now and tell you that everything is going to be okay. I am so sorry for all this **** you're going through.

 

I've never had a bad relationship with my parents so I can't really relate, but I will try to help and offer advice to you. It sounds as if your mother has as severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. You should read up on it. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you should cut ties with your mom. She's not being a good mother at all by trying to bring you down every single time you try to be yourself even when it comes down to getting your hair done. A good mother would be encouraging you to do what YOU want in life and not by her rules. You are in your mid-20s and can make your own decisions out of what you want in life, she doesn't seem to understand that. I think she's toxic to your own life and I hate saying that since she's your own mother but that's just the truth.

 

Let me ask you this, has she ever gone to therapy? I think it would help her big time. You should try to calmly recommend it to her. I feel sorry for your dad since he's had to deal with a narcissistic wife, and honestly I hope he's divorced her for his own sake.... I'm glad at least your dad has been supportive of you. If you need a parent go to him not your mom.

 

Again I'm sorry you've had to go through this and I help my advice has helped a little bit. Hugs and good luck to you.