Wife in emotional affair during family crisis

[sundog]

I had always been an emotional distancer in all my relationships. I would start out very close to a person, then as the relationship progressed, I would distance myself. This was never intentional, it just happened. I saw this happen with my wife after we married, but I never wanted to see it as a problem. I probably wanted to stay in my ‘comfortable’ zone. I bring this up because I always knew she wanted to be much closer to me, but I would push her away. I am willing to believe that this is why she sought out the comfort of another person, even if I will never agree that it should have happened while married to me.

 

The one thing I wish she would have done would have been to give me a good smack sometime in the past. Instead she hinted at the problem, but never confronted me with it head on. Instead she stomached her sadness for our relationship for years.

 

A few weeks before I found out about the affair, she had simply revealed to me that she didn’t feel love for me anymore. However, this revelation of hers seemed to perfectly match up with about the time she started seeing the OM. I opened up to her at this point and dedicated myself to understanding the problems in our relationship. I spent more time talking with her and our three year old son, doing family things.

 

I found out about my wife’s affair about three months ago. It was with a coworker of hers. I had seen changes in her behavior, and I installed a keylogger on her laptop. I found about six weeks worth of emails between them, starting off rather polite, with hints of attraction. Then eventually the emails turned to professions of desire to be together and love each other. My wife described her situation to him as being trapped, and wanting to escape to be with him. This was oviously very painful for me to read.

 

I sobbed in front of her when I told her I knew. I even had to log into her email account before she would admit anything. She immediately got mad at me for invading her privacy. I didn’t feel regret though, she would have done the same to me. The emails between them were insanely romantic. He would talk about running in the woods and chasing a bird that sang this beautiful song that reminded him of my wife. She would talk about the birds that would sing to her in the mornings near our house and how there were his messangers bringing her words of love…

 

I asked that she not see him anymore, and she accepted. I also asked that she not call him either, and although she at first agreed, she was unable to keep that promise, and they resumed talking on the phone. I saw her so depressed at not talking to him that I finally told her to talk to him if she must.

 

She told me that they are such a perfect match that they don’t even have to talk to each other to know how the other is feeling. That their dreams and goals are identical in life, and that people used to even assume that they were married when they saw them together at work. Her description of them fitting together so perfectly (even though they never dated or lived one day together) seemed rather odd to me.

 

At that point she said she would have left me, but our three year old son is awaiting a major ogran transplant, so breaking up the family was postponed. He was born with a life threatening disease which is only cureable with this transplant. My wife spent the last four years caring for him, basically thinking that she would spend the rest of her life caring for his sickness. Only recently was this cure for his disease discovered. I believe that this has played a big part in the affair. She seems to be in somewhat of a crisis (similar to a midlife crisis). She is realizing that his disease is near a cure and she will be able to live again. She talks often about her dreams of trips, learning to play musical instruments, and she has an intense desire to buy a convertible (say what?). She never wanted any material objects up until now.

 

She refuses to make a decision on what she wants. She insists that she wants to see our son’s transplant go through first. Then she plans on making a decision when she is ready. I don’t know whether to see this as a stall tactic or a smart move on her part since we have so many things going on at once. She did agree to give our marriage a ‘chance’, which means we are still together and being a couple. She refuses marriage counseling, saying that she doesn’t see how it would help.

 

She seems almost addicted to talking to him. When we would have big arguments about this affair (couple times), she would get this extreme desire to leave the house and go for a drive. This of course meant she would call him as soon as she left the driveway. It is like a drug that she needs to have when she is really down. She would return home after an hour and would look content and happy. She would even feel better about us after talking to him. Am I the only one that finds that odd?

 

Anyhow, I dedicated myself to controlling what I could about the situation. This means mostly myself. I lost 20 pounds (from the stress) and got tan (from the sun). I bought a new wardrobe so I would feel better about myself. The OM is gone for the summer to another country, so I also feel more relaxed about us for the time being.

 

My wife has described my changes in personality since this all started as ‘amazing’. She sees that I am truly trying to make us work. I spend time talking to her in the evening and after dinner for hours. We talk about our youth and things we would like to do in the future (together?). She feels very good about my changes, but then she says she doesn’t know if the pain from the past is too much for her to accept. I don’t know what to think of that, I’ve always been able to forgive and forget, but she has always held on to things endlessly.

 

Although my wife will expose almost no emotions regarding our relationship to me, she has been all over me physically and sexually for the last two months. We always were very compatible in this manner, and it seems more comfortable for her at the moment. During sex she will compliment me endlessly, about my eyes, my physique, etc. It almost seems ridiculous, but I see in her eyes that she is not forcing it. I rationalize it in my mind that she has always enjoyed me sexually, and I am now proving myself to her emotionally.

 

A couple nights ago she finally said that she did feel ‘in love’ with me, but it was painful because of the past. She said that I knew she loved me all this time, but no, I didn’t. She still avoids making any decision as to where to go, although she does now say she ‘hopes things workout between us’. What the hell do I make of that? She doesn’t want counseling, and she won’t drop the OM (yet), but she hopes we make it? If she has a plan, I am unaware of what it is.

 

I have refrained from insisting in a divorce or her complete separation from the OM as I have almost been suspectful that she is going through a crisis as I stated before. From what I read on people in midlife crisis situations, insisting they make a decision before they are ready is a bad idea. So here I am, trying to ride this thing out.

 

On a side note, I am getting individual counseling to help me get though this, and also to work on my problem with emotionally distancing myself from people in my life.

 

I have more to say, but I’m writing too damn much. Any advice, questions or feedback would be great. Thanks so much.

[Sal Paradise]

If you don't demand NC (No Contact) with the OM (Other Man) you will never work it out with your wife. She is manipulating you. She is trying to have her cake and eat it too and you're allowing it. I know your kid is sick but you also have to look out for yourself, she is using that situation to get her way. You need to put your foot down and let her know its him or you. If she chooses him then throw her out of the house. She's the one who had the affair so she should be the one to go. I would demand her to go to counselling. The only reason she doesn't want to go is she knows the counsellor will advise her to have NC with the OM.

 

She isn't committing to working it out. Without her committment you may as well forget it. The only way to get her to committ is to let her know that without it you want a divorce NOW.

 

I can honestly say that I think she'll buckle and cut him off and seek counselling if you push her into it. She isn't doing either because she is the one in control. She cheated on you, yes you were emotionally distant but that is NO EXCUSE TO CHEAT! I strongly advise you to issue two ultimatums....

 

1) Absolutely NC with the OM. You should also check her cell phone records to confirm she is sticking to it. She will fail a few times so don't get too discouraged. Stay on her and make her committ. You do that by showing you won't put up with it.

 

2) She has to at least try Marriage Counselling. Give it at least 3 months if it doesn't work so what, what have you lost? A few hours a week? If you don't try you may lose the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Doesn't she know the grass is NOT greener on the otherside of the fence??

 

You got some great advice there from SP!

 

Oh, keep posting, venting, getting it out. These people WILL help you and the more you write (don't ever feel like you've written too much, you do it cuz you need to get it out...Bottling it up is bad.) the better you will feel and also get lots of support on here.

 

That's good that you're getting some one on one therapy. It will help you cope with all the emotions.

 

I hope SHE realizes what she's doing here...I mean it's pretty obvious she is not thinking clearly as she's addicted to the feelings this OM gives her. It's not love, it's that new crushy feeling and lust. THAT feeling is what she is desiring - I know it hurts to hear that, but it isn't YOUR FAULT...She choose to DO something outside of the marriage, rather than force the issue with you. IF she really was unhappy and didn't think the communication was up to par - SHE should have pushed you hard to let you know that she was unhappy.

 

I do hope your little boy gets his transplant and becomes 100% healthy again! That must be difficult at times.

[Ladyjane14]

You've admitted and apologized for the deficits that you initially brought to the relationship, and you're making atonement for that by going to counceling and learning to be a better partner.

 

Tolerating a third person in your marriage is NOT necessary to accomplishing the goal of reconciliation . You've identified your part of the problem and taken steps to correct it already.

 

One of the jobs that we ALL have in our marital relationship is to speak up and ask for our needs to be met. Your wife didn't do that before. .....And you're the one not doing it now.

 

She didn't come to you and earnestly ask for change, and of course, you can see now what that mistake has wrought. And now, you're not saying to her, "I need a faithful wife and partner who loves me".

 

While I can understand the desire to help and support your spouse, particularly when they are in crisis. You are NOT helping her really, if you allow her to continue to hurt you. If she's a good person, she'll regret that one day. So, you do her a disservice if you allow her to make a victim of you.

 

She's acting out destructively, waiting for someone else to bail her out. She's refused counceling, and thus refused responsibility. You can't force her to do this. She's got to do it for herself. But you can draw the line and say what YOU are able to live with.

 

I understand the anxiety that you're probably feeling right now; worried that she might leave if you make demands. She very well might.

 

However, what have you lost if that turns out to be the case? Is she the person TODAY that you'd like to spend the rest of your life with, or does she need to resolve her issues in order to be that person?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You also have to understand the changes you make are for yourself because she may still not want to be a part of the marriage....then what will you do?

 

I think you did a terrible thing by keylogging her computer, especially for the length of time you did rather than confronting her. My ex did this to me and I was furious!!! It's funny because I knew he would do it - he is a systems analyst, and I told him about this feature after I read it in the paper. Well he went and did it the following week, and I incriminated myself.

 

I think in my doing so, I was crying out for help, subconsciously knowing that would be the only way to bring our issues into the forefront, seeing as neither of us would "talk" about issues.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

You also have to understand the changes you make are for yourself because she may still not want to be a part of the marriage....then what will you do?

 

I think you did a terrible thing by keylogging her computer, especially for the length of time you did rather than confronting her. My ex did this to me and I was furious!!! It's funny because I knew he would do it - he is a systems analyst, and I told him about this feature after I read it in the paper. Well he went and did it the following week, and I incriminated myself.

 

I think in my doing so, I was crying out for help, subconsciously knowing that would be the only way to bring our issues into the forefront, seeing as neither of us would "talk" about issues.

 

I agree he should of confronted her first but she would of probably lied and he would of been forced to then use the keylogger. Cheaters rarely come clean when confronted, you have to corner them with the truth before they admit to it, some still deny it even with the evidence. Thats because cheaters are by their very nature liars. They're lying and deceiving the person they're with from the very instance they cheat. Many of them are lying before the affair ever starts. When you're dealing with someone who is capable of lying to such an extreme level to someone they claim to love you can't really fault their SO for taking drastic actions to get to the truth.

 

Or as the old saying goes....fight fire with fire. Its nothing to be proud of or brag about, but sometimes its the only way to get to the truth. If cheaters don't want to be spied on they shouldn't cheat to begin with.

[Owl]

He HAD to use a keylogger....or something similar. There is NO WAY that she would have admitted it without proof...and look at what he had to do to convince her even when he HAD proof!! Cheaters ALWAYS deny/minimize the affair when confronted....ALWAYS.

 

I don't know why he waited so long to confront her tho...that is a LONG time to let it go on.

 

 

NC IS the only way to go. Tell your wife that it's the ONLY way she can see the truth on what she's feeling about him. Take a look at the marriagebuilders.com website, it's got a ton of useful information.

[sundog]

Let me clear up the keylogger issue. I had only installed it for one day when I already confronted her with the emails I found. I had no proof of an affair until that day. The emails themself were three months worth, on a secret email account.

 

I am very hesitant in regards to making the NC demand at this point. She is showing many of the signs of a (midlife) crisis, most likely brought on by the upcoming transplant for our child. She is being completely (brutally) honest with me and her emotions are just a mess right now. One moment she can think everything is ok and we are going to work this out, the next minute she is dreaming of a life somewhere else. Her mind and emotions are not normal, she is a different person.

 

One thing they warn about doing when a spouse is in a MLC is demanding or pushing them in a direction. They are not in a rational state of mind, and any pressure can make them do the opposite. Instead they encourage you to detatch and love from a distance. It's all I can do to stop myself from yelling at her and asking her not to put our child through a divorce in addition to his transplant...

 

I had actually met in person with the OM when I found out about this. He was an acquaintance I had met before several times. It was a pretty pointless effort to try to get him to understand my side of the story, he wasn't willing to back down (of course) or see that my wife is emotionally fragile, or that our child will suffer from this if we separate or divorce. The idiot even made the comment, 'We will all help take care of him', when I mentioned that my son would be hurt by this. Hearing him use the 'we' word when referring to my son made me fantasize about popping his scrawny head between my hands. Anyway, I refrained.

 

Can anyone make me feel better and tell me that this fantasy romance they created is not real? I mean, saying the birds are his messengers of love to her, and that they know what the other is thinking or feeling before they even speak. Is that real? My wife also says that they both have the exact same dreams and goals in life. My feeling is that he either told her what he thought she wanted to hear, or (more likely) that he told her his dreams and she adopted each as her own. She is a person that has rarely chosen things for herself in life, she instead always had decisions made for her or followed the person she was with.

 

She broke down two days ago from all the stress. She started sobbing about how she just needs someone to take her away and 'pamper her' while she deals with all this stress. I am unable to do this for her because she says I am part of the problem (from our past problems together). Considering that this was an emotional affair, and that the OM is about 15 years older than her (and I), I get the feeling that this was what he provided for her, perhaps some sort of fatherly comfort while she is in extreme emotional turmoil. Does that make any sense?

 

I asked her yesterday if she had spoken to him recently (she encouraged me to ask any questions I have lately). She said it had been a couple weeks (he's out of town). She said that the last two times that she did talk to him her sense of guilt was too overpowering and she had to end the call. I believe her, especially sense I hadn't demanded the NC at this point. Is this a good thing? Will her sense of guilt overpower the addiction she has to him? Will him being away and out of contact with her for a couple months be enough for her addiction to go away?

 

Thanks for the replies, they are all very helpful.

[whichwayisup]

I had actually met in person with the OM when I found out about this. He was an acquaintance I had met before several times. It was a pretty pointless effort to try to get him to understand my side of the story, he wasn't willing to back down (of course) or see that my wife is emotionally fragile, or that our child will suffer from this if we separate or divorce. The idiot even made the comment, 'We will all help take care of him', when I mentioned that my son would be hurt by this. Hearing him use the 'we' word when referring to my son made me fantasize about popping his scrawny head between my hands. Anyway, I refrained.

 

Wow, he has some big balls doesn't he? I commend you SO much for not slamming him down to the ground. How dare he even consider himself part of your lives. Reading that made MY blood boil, I can only imagine what it did to you. What a jerk-off!

 

Can anyone make me feel better and tell me that this fantasy romance they created is not real? I mean, saying the birds are his messengers of love to her, and that they know what the other is thinking or feeling before they even speak. Is that real? My wife also says that they both have the exact same dreams and goals in life. My feeling is that he either told her what he thought she wanted to hear, or (more likely) that he told her his dreams and she adopted each as her own. She is a person that has rarely chosen things for herself in life, she instead always had decisions made for her or followed the person she was with.

 

OK, you're right, your wife is NOT thinking clearly. This OM has filled a void in her life - Somehow she believes in him and has become needy, emotionally attached to him and probably thinks she's inlove ... Well, she ain't. She's addicted to the new and crush like feelings he gives her, that sense of desire and newness just like at the beginning of a new relationship. It's almost like an obsession and she needs her "fix" of him, like an addict would with a "hit" of whatever drug of choice.

 

HE is manipulating her, taking advantage of her vunerability too, she doesn't see it as that. The fact he didn't back down from you when you talked to him is kinda of scary. Because she isn't herself he is taking full advantage...I suggest slowly spending one on one time with your wife, DO something fun together. Shoot pool, play darts or even a picnic in the park. Be attentive and do nice things around the house, chores and help out. As you said if you accuse her of anything or show the negative feelings she'll run to him, unfortunately...

 

She broke down two days ago from all the stress. She started sobbing about how she just needs someone to take her away and 'pamper her' while she deals with all this stress. I am unable to do this for her because she says I am part of the problem (from our past problems together). Considering that this was an emotional affair, and that the OM is about 15 years older than her (and I), I get the feeling that this was what he provided for her, perhaps some sort of fatherly comfort while she is in extreme emotional turmoil. Does that make any sense?

 

It does make sense. I'm sure she sees him as stable, mature and can take of her.

 

 

I feel for what you're going through.

 

Hope this helps some.