Scratching my head, what went wrong.

[no kids]

My wife and I have been together for nearly 9 years, 6 of which we dated and the last 3 years we have been married. I put her through school and got a decent job while doing it and she ended up with a solid career on a path to probably surpass my income.

 

A few years ago just before we got married her mother got sick with cancer for the second time. My wife lost it and had a difficult time coping (her mother is still alive and well) and felt that she needed to be the caregiver and find alternative treatment options for her and was unwilling to do anything to take care of herself or her mental health. I tried to be there and be supportive for her but it became harder and harder as any time her mother would get cancer markers back my wife would spiral downwards again and for months the only conversation she wanted to have (for 3+ hours a day) was about her mother and how to make her better. I finally, over the last year told her that she needs to talk to someone about it and forced the issue because she was completely unwilling to do anything about it and losing sleep many nights.

 

Over the last 3 years we've taken at least: a one month vacation somewhere exotic per year, a one week vacation somewhere tropical and several other short trips within North America per year of a week or less. Every time we leave she says she wants to stay. She says all she wants to do is travel the world and work crappy jobs below her current income level and that she wants to do it alone.

 

The two of us had talked about having children and the plan was to start trying after the most recent trip we took because she is 29 and I am 33 and we figured it would be a good time to start a family. When we got back from this trip she started staying up all night and finally told me that she doesn't want children and never has but that she had told me that she did because she wanted to make me happy. I was devastated but thought maybe it was something I could get over or we could get through. The last few weeks it's been getting worse and worse until last night she told me that she has been out searching for apartments for herself. She said that she wants to live in a small 300 square foot place and wants to feel struggle in her life. She told me that all of the money I've put in savings for her retirement she wants to return to me and that she wants nothing from our combined household, including she wants me to retain our bank account and all the funds within.

 

I don't know what to do, I really don't see any way to get past the issues. I've never cheated on her, been unkind to her, or denied her anything she wanted. Her family loves me and they care more about how I feel on this than how she feels (at least that's what she says, I haven't talked to them). I am not an incredibly passionate or emotional person (I mean I don't get angry often, I don't shout or yell, I don't cry often unless someone close dies). I have always been of the mindset that there are two sides to everything but I feel that other than the emotional part I've done everything I could to make things work.

 

She says she still loves me but feels like her attitude and actions are hurting me. Sorry if this doesn't explain things well enough. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

[Strongerlife]

I get the list. I'm there but speaking from the other point of view.. Emotional is a lot. I long for conversation, snuggles and cuddles.. I'm having a hard time without that.

 

Have you talked to her? She may want to stay with some changes

[lilyrocks9956]

First of all, I am sorry about you and your wife going through this. I am praying (or apologies if you don't believe) for you two.

 

I suggest the best thing to do is to sit down and have a deep talk with her. Ask her why she wants be divorce. Maybe there's something bothering her that you don't know about yet and she's scared to tell you? Just thinking about options here. It could very well be related to maybe a habit you have that's not necessarily "bad" but she can't handle or some actions you've done that weren't towards her but made her uncomfortable whether it was good or bad. I can't really say since I don't know you and your wife on a personal level, but I've heard of divorces happening because something the wife or husband did/does that the other person can't live with, or maybe you guys want different things in life. My mom and stepdad are on a rocky road in their marriage right now due to things that have changed in the last 16 years this December of their married life.

 

Be there and listen to her, after all communication is key in a committed relationship. After that, state your feelings that you said above that you feel like you've never given her a reason to want to separate and divorce and you want to try to work things out before going down that route because of how much you love her and want it to work.

 

I don't know man. That's all I can think of. I hope you guys can work something out!

Edited February 24, 2016 by lilyrocks9956

[danny11]

What I've learn is first rule out an affair.

 

Now women go threw mood swings, you gotta listen to the little thing because they will hold it in and explode one day.

 

Have a good talk to her and give her time alone, in the end you can't do nothing to stop what she's doing and if she loves you and wants everything to work she will make it work.

 

smoke some weed relax worst case you get a new wife. Its not the end of your life, and it might not be the end of your marriage just be coo and smooth women love that