Dead-end meeting girls

[Musician1985]

Hey - I'm 30, single, pretty good looking, and decently intelligent. So I like to believe :-)

 

I set up a good okcupid profile, messaged about 200 girls, and tried to really engage them in conversation by appealing to their individual profiles. I had good pics (nothing skeevy, but doing decent things with people, and smiling). I didn't get a single response. I didn't log on for a few weeks, and realized I got banned. Probably because after my younger brother got married, I just sent out a number of messages just telling the girls not to respond - probably because I got drunk at his wedding. Not appealing, but it happens.

 

When I post on a Facebook singles group, I don't get a single "like", and other guys get dozens, if not hundreds. I feel like I'm just too old or something, but this mirrors my OKC experience :-( I'm generally happy, in good shape, and I work and pay my bills, so this is kinda disappointing

 

I am kinda quiet, so it's hard for me to meet girls. I'd like to. I'm really not sure how to go about it. The online dating obviously hasn't worked, so I kinda don't know. I get some people don't meet someone, and that's ok. I would like to have kids (I work with them, so it would be fun), but I just work, go home, and hang out with my family during my offdays. It's tough getting together with friends, and I'm in a new area, and my friends work too and some have kids, so they don't have time.

 

I really don't know what to do. Let me know if you have tips.

 

Groups are hard for me, because I don't know how to talk to people - I don't have game like other guys, though I can be engaging in conversation. Just I can talk to girls, but I don't get a second date though, cuz maybe I'm sorta middle of the road as a guy?

Edited February 18, 2016 by Musician1985

[Ami1uwant]

There are a yon of variables here.....

 

1. Do you live in a large metro area? Medium size? Small town?

 

2. What exactly are you saying in your email yo these potential matches?

 

3. How are you selected who to communicate with?

 

If you are thinking with your other brain in deciding who to try snd communicate trouble issues happen---1.you aren't the only one who is trying to talk yo her so you could be buried in 100s of others replying yo her....2. You may be trying to play outside your league. Say you are a 6/7 snd you only target 9/10s to communicate with.

 

If you are 30--what age range are you trying to communicate with?

 

Maybe your profile isn't written well. Maybe it's too generic.

 

When it comes to profiles you want to try to describe something different about you that sets you apart from the rest. If you say the same thing 90% of other profiles say it becomes a blur.

[Musician1985]

1) Huge metro area

2) I look at her profile, and the message is usually like,

 

ex. "Sailing is awesome. (if she talks about that) I tried it at summer camp when I was 13, and had a great experience. Even though, I capsized the boat as a lightning storm was coming, I escaped and was able to do it the rest of the summer!

 

Do you go often?"

 

Something along those lines

 

3) It just gives me the girls on my profile. I go for girls that are pretty, but aren't so "hot" that they are clubbing and only have perfect 10 guys. Cuz I'm not that. My looks are more like a decent, good looking guy, rather than like a dude who drives a Mustang (tho that is my dream car... shhh... don't tell anyone :-) )

 

I'm going for girls in my age range, usually winds up being 27-32 somewhere. Sometimes 22-35.

 

Maybe my issue is that I'm not one for making good jokes, so I'm just more honest about things. I tell them about my occupation (which is interesting - I'm a performing musician), and that I enjoy working with kids. And I'm training for triathlon. Things like that.

 

My brother met his wife on OKC, and they're identical, even down to their profession and working on projects together. He wooed her with jokes, but he was getting 1 out of every 4 girls to respond (and I think I look better than him). I don't think looks have that much to do with it. I tried building my profile with jokes, but it was kinda contrived so I gave that up. The girls look at my profile, but won't respond back

Edited February 18, 2016 by Musician1985

[thejabberwocky]

Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound very desperate and that is probably reading to others!

 

You messaged 200 girls? That alone seems like too much. And then you told them not to respond? I mean that to me would come off as crazy.

 

I think maybe you just need to relax and work on yourself a little. Take a break from trying to meet someone and build up your confidence. You need to be a complete, whole person while single to be able to be a good partner in a relationship. No one wants someone desperate. They want someone who fell in love with THEM particularly.

[Sweetgirl28]

I guess I'm in your age range so I'm going to be honest. If I get a long anecdotal message like that, I simply don't respond. It's long and tedious to read, and the question at the end makes you look desperate. Not to mention 200 times ?

[Brontosaurus]

In reference to responses above, I don't understand what messaging 200 women has to do with the reason you're being rejected. Why should any of them know about the other 199 women you're sending a message to unless you're whining to them about it?

 

I also think it's unfortunate that a three-sentence personalized message alluding to something in a woman's profile and ending with a question is considered tedious and desperate when most dating site advice I've seen tells men to reach out in exactly that way. Oh well.

 

Regardless, if you're sending personalized messages to 200 women and not getting a single response then it's pretty clear that there's zero intersection between the type of women you are expressing interest in and the women who are interested in you. Typically that means that you're overvaluing your value to the demographic concerned (keeping in mind that at least some of these women also likely have an unrealistic perception of their own value to men).

 

In any case, single, decent-looking guys who are quiet, have boring or nothing-special social lives, and aren't funny are a dime a dozen. Being invisible to women comes with the territory.

 

I'm of the mind that, as effective as pretending you're someone different than you really are can be in attracting women, it's usually an unsustainable proposition in the long-run. Besides, resenting someone because they don't like you for who you are, but the false persona you've created is not any way to live IMO.

 

That doesn't mean that you should be content with the status quo, though. Here's a hint: when people see other people having fun, they often want in on it. For guys like you and I, doing something for the sole purpose of attracting women is exactly the wrong way to go about it IMO. Instead, do things because they're fun and exciting to you.

 

As an illustrative example, maybe you've truly always really wanted to know how to ballroom dance. The difference between you and a guy who can pick up women easily is that they're taking dance lessons to meet women, you are taking the lessons because it's always something you wanted to do, and it is rewarding in its own right.

 

Even if you never find a woman to share your life with, you still have all those experiences to look back on and say, "I made the most out of my life, within my power, and without compromising who I am." That is living life like a man. And who knows, when women see or read or hear about the fun you're having in your life, some of them just might want you to share it with them.

[AverageJoe1986]

In reference to responses above, I don't understand what messaging 200 women has to do with the reason you're being rejected. Why should any of them know about the other 199 women you're sending a message to unless you're whining to them about it?

 

This. Of the many terrible reasons people come up with to try to explain why a guy isn't getting responses in online dating, the worst are usually the ones which require the women on the other end to be psychic. Or the most sophisiticated interpreter of language that they can spot red-flags in the way a profile is punctuated.

[elaine567]

ex. "Sailing is awesome. (if she talks about that) I tried it at summer camp when I was 13, and had a great experience. Even though, I capsized the boat as a lightning storm was coming, I escaped and was able to do it the rest of the summer!

 

Do you go often?"

 

OK, a convoluted story, an attempt at humour, with not much of a punch line.

If she is a serious sailor, then 1) sailing at summer camp 17 years ago, is not impressive and 2) capsizing a boat is not impressive.

Playing the "clown" and self deprecating is only impressive, if it is actually funny. I am sure someone could make that story absolutely hilarious in a pub after a few drinks, but as an opening text it falls flat.

 

If sailing is actually "awesome", why were you not out sailing last week-end?

You chose to tell her with this opening text that you don't sail, and actually you probably weren't very good at it when you did do it, (for a week, when you were 13)...

YOU have no upbeat stories about your sailing mates at the sailing club or how you won that race, or great places you sailed to last year, so why choose, out of all the subjects in the world - "sailing"?

Nothing about sailing casts you in a good light.

You latched onto a "common interest", but when dissected, you just showed her how little in common you really had with her.

 

Women, who want relationships, want men who are in some way "impressive", this is a man she wants to marry, father her children, a man she can depend on.

She wants to see competence, punchy stories and something you truly share, as an opener.

Long winded stories about summer camp, which you can embellish and make very funny face to face, are great, but not in a opening text.

 

Her: Horses are my passion, I live and breathe horses.

You: I once patted a horse at the seaside when I was 10, it was a brown one in a field beside the crazy golf. It bit my friend's finger, but it didn't bleed, it was just bruised, I think. Horses seem to have very big teeth.

The horse liked carrots...

Her: Oh, OK .... next.

[joseb]

OP, I think maybe you are trying too hard in your messages. The example above feels a little contrived.

I wouldn't bother trying too much to match yourself to her profile. I know a lot of advice suggests this, but really it's not effective. There are 10 other guys doing the same thing. Try to be different.

 

Also, I wouldn't end the message with a question. Just my way.

 

To those expressing incredulity at the OP sending 200 messages, it is because you are unfamiliar with how OLD is for guys. That's the kind of number needed to get a decent response rate.

[AverageJoe1986]

OP, I think maybe you are trying too hard in your messages. The example above feels a little contrived.

I wouldn't bother trying too much to match yourself to her profile. I know a lot of advice suggests this, but really it's not effective. There are 10 other guys doing the same thing. Try to be different.

 

Also, I wouldn't end the message with a question. Just my way.

 

To those expressing incredulity at the OP sending 200 messages, it is because you are unfamiliar with how OLD is for guys. That's the kind of number needed to get a decent response rate.

 

Yes. When I read 200 messages, my first thought was 'slacker'.

[joseb]

Yes. When I read 200 messages, my first thought was 'slacker'.

 

Lol ?.......

[d0nnivain]

Since your Brother & SIL were successful with OLD perhaps get them to read your profile. Something is off, if you didn't get a single nibble through OLD or FB. However, I found OLD terribly depressing & stopped doing it. I was always successful with men IRL but had a very tough time on OLD. Remember OLD is but a single tool.

 

 

I agree with elaine567. If I am an avid sailor I'm not about to reply to a guy who's last sailing experience was at summer camp. By telling her that you are telling her not to message you.

 

 

Perhaps check your drinking habits. You must have done something pretty awful to get banned from an OL Site. Stay away from your keyboard if you pick up an alcoholic beverage. You may be a nasty drunk.

 

 

You say you don't "have game" so you can't do groups. First, let's get you some game. Start small. Say hello to 5 random women this week. Just hello, nothing more. See how that feels. Second, get some coaching. If you have a few bucks take a Dale Carnegie class on How to Win Friends & Influence People. If money is a consideration, join a group called ToastMasters. It's really about public speaking but it will teach you some confidence building skills & help you be more comfortable in group settings. Third, join a small group that does something you are really passionate about. It's so much easier to talk to people if a) you have a purpose and b) you love the subject.

 

 

Your screen name is Musician1985. What happens when you perform? Doesn't that get you any action? Try doing something related to your music in order to meet women.

[gbe2015]

ex. "Sailing is awesome. (if she talks about that) I tried it at summer camp when I was 13, and had a great experience. Even though, I capsized the boat as a lightning storm was coming, I escaped and was able to do it the rest of the summer!

 

Do you go often?"

 

People love to talk about themselves. So imo you should keep first communication short and make it easy for them to give an answer. Something like ... So you like sailing, so do I .. where did you last go?

 

I always start a conversation thinking I know I'm a good catch, tell me about yourself and why you think I should want to be with you. Get them to do the work and sell themselves to you. Keep your responses short (and funny if possible) and ask short questions (in a dialogue) to get them to talk about who they are. Don't go overboard as it'll sound like a job interview

[Httm]

I wouldn't advertise that you are a musician. It screams instability to most people.

 

The length of your message was fine, but had no relevance to your current life. Random anecdotes won't work. Make a reference to something actually going on in your life right now.

 

If you still get drunk at 30 and then go on to do something insane like message people and get banned from a major dating site, I'd consider some serious introspection about yourself and your life.

[AMJ]

OK, a convoluted story, an attempt at humour, with not much of a punch line.

If she is a serious sailor, then 1) sailing at summer camp 17 years ago, is not impressive and 2) capsizing a boat is not impressive.

Playing the "clown" and self deprecating is only impressive, if it is actually funny. I am sure someone could make that story absolutely hilarious in a pub after a few drinks, but as an opening text it falls flat.

 

If sailing is actually "awesome", why were you not out sailing last week-end?

You chose to tell her with this opening text that you don't sail, and actually you probably weren't very good at it when you did do it, (for a week, when you were 13)...

YOU have no upbeat stories about your sailing mates at the sailing club or how you won that race, or great places you sailed to last year, so why choose, out of all the subjects in the world - "sailing"?

Nothing about sailing casts you in a good light.

You latched onto a "common interest", but when dissected, you just showed her how little in common you really had with her.

 

Women, who want relationships, want men who are in some way "impressive", this is a man she wants to marry, father her children, a man she can depend on.

She wants to see competence, punchy stories and something you truly share, as an opener.

Long winded stories about summer camp, which you can embellish and make very funny face to face, are great, but not in a opening text.

 

Her: Horses are my passion, I live and breathe horses.

You: I once patted a horse at the seaside when I was 10, it was a brown one in a field beside the crazy golf. It bit my friend's finger, but it didn't bleed, it was just bruised, I think. Horses seem to have very big teeth.

The horse liked carrots...

Her: Oh, OK .... next.

 

Completely agree with this. You would be better off just asking questions to get to know her, or expressing your interest in her generally. "You seem like a sweet, genuine, beautiful person, and I love your smile! How was your weekend?"

 

If someone is interested in knowing you, it won't take much thought on your part to get a response. My other suggestion is there is something lacking in your own profile. I see so many pictures of men who don't even smile. That's a huge negative for me. Men with professional photos, or photos of themselves trying to look cool- driving their cars..there's an entire thread about profile no-no's that you should glance over.

[Httm]

Completely agree with this. You would be better off just asking questions to get to know her, or expressing your interest in her generally. "You seem like a sweet, genuine, beautiful person, and I love your smile! How was your weekend?"

 

If someone is interested in knowing you, it won't take much thought on your part to get a response. My other suggestion is there is something lacking in your own profile. I see so many pictures of men who don't even smile. That's a huge negative for me. Men with professional photos, or photos of themselves trying to look cool- driving their cars..there's an entire thread about profile no-no's that you should glance over.

 

""You seem like a sweet, genuine, beautiful person, and I love your smile! How was your weekend?" " is a very problematic first message. Is generic and expresses nothing. It could easily be copied and pasted to 1000 different people.

[AverageJoe1986]

Completely agree with this. You would be better off just asking questions to get to know her, or expressing your interest in her generally. "You seem like a sweet, genuine, beautiful person, and I love your smile! How was your weekend?"

 

If someone is interested in knowing you, it won't take much thought on your part to get a response. My other suggestion is there is something lacking in your own profile. I see so many pictures of men who don't even smile. That's a huge negative for me. Men with professional photos, or photos of themselves trying to look cool- driving their cars..there's an entire thread about profile no-no's that you should glance over.

 

Let's be fair, if he had said that those were the messages he is sending then the advice would be to send more detailed information referencing her profile.

 

 

If the (sailing) woman had liked the look of him and his profile then what he sent her would have been fine. She'd hardly have written him off based on the fact that he'd not sailed since he was 13.

[Miss Peach]

I guess I'm in your age range so I'm going to be honest. If I get a long anecdotal message like that, I simply don't respond. It's long and tedious to read, and the question at the end makes you look desperate. Not to mention 200 times ?

 

I'm in your age range too and if I liked your profile I would respond to that as it shows you actually read my profile to some extent and doesn't come off as creepy. But I doubt you would be able to carry on a conversation too long along that topic.

 

Regardless, if you're sending personalized messages to 200 women and not getting a single response then it's pretty clear that there's zero intersection between the type of women you are expressing interest in and the women who are interested in you.

 

Agree with this. I have talked to many men on this topic so I know the response rate isn't always very high for the amount of work. But something is off here. I would guess it's something in your profile.

 

Since your Brother & SIL were successful with OLD perhaps get them to read your profile.

This might be a good idea. Or have a friend read it that you trust. A lot of men I know do better IRL though so don't get discouraged.

 

You must have done something pretty awful to get banned from an OL Site.

 

Yeah - this would be a red flag to me. Perhaps it's coming through in your profile?

 

You mention you don't have 'game'. IMO you don't need 'game'. You need confidence and the ability to lead a woman. Women with options usually leave if they feel they are doing all the work. But then we also run when a guy lacks confidence and is too scared to make a choice such as where he wants to take us out.

 

Completely agree with this. You would be better off just asking questions to get to know her, or expressing your interest in her generally. "You seem like a sweet, genuine, beautiful person, and I love your smile! How was your weekend?"

 

I disagree with this advice. I get these messages all the time and they appear to be copy and pasted to 100 women. I want a guy who actually took the time to read my profile and find things he liked about ME. And things like "How was your weekend" are like the kiss of death. They just lead to surface level, half a$$ed, lazy conversations. It's not a good way to court a woman and get her interested in you over the other guys messaging her IMO.

[Ami1uwant]

Ask her question about something in her profile that shows you read it.

 

Talking about you doing something 25 yrs ago doesn't mean something. If she was into sailing but her profession isn't doctor/lawyer then she is a gold diggrt looking for someone who owns a boat.

[road]

Let's be fair, if he had said that those were the messages he is sending then the advice would be to send more detailed information referencing her profile.

 

 

If the (sailing) woman had liked the look of him and his profile then what he sent her would have been fine. She'd hardly have written him off based on the fact that he'd not sailed since he was 13.

 

 

I have to disagree. Talking about sailing when 13 to an adult woman that sails now comes of as lame. He got good advice from some ladies here on how to not send poor messages.

 

 

How do I know his response was lame because I would of responded just as he did. I know my game is limited. Thank god I am married.

[AMJ]

""You seem like a sweet, genuine, beautiful person, and I love your smile! How was your weekend?" " is a very problematic first message. Is generic and expresses nothing. It could easily be copied and pasted to 1000 different people.

 

Yeah but, you know what? If the person sending me that generic message is interesting to me in the slightest bit, I will respond. In other words, if I'm interested in a person based on their profile, it really does not matter what they say to me in an initial message. There are exceptions, and those would be: 1. Anything disrespectful or sexual, 2. Bad grammar or just something demonstrating he has no brain, 3. Anything demonstrating he has no social skills.

 

It shouldn't be so hard to simply say hello to someone, and to me, that's what a first message is all about.

 

Your profile needs to showcase your strengths. If you're good looking, then it's simple. If you're intelligent, we can pick up on that also. If you're funny, let that show in your profile. Lots of guys on loveshack seem to think their best quality is being "a nice guy". That one is tricky to demonstrate. But it is possible.

 

The guys who get zero responses probably need to play up their strengths more on their profile. And when all else fails, with women, flattery gets you very far.

[normal person]

Your profile needs to showcase your strengths. If you're good looking, then it's simple. If you're intelligent, we can pick up on that also. If you're funny, let that show in your profile. Lots of guys on loveshack seem to think their best quality is being "a nice guy". That one is tricky to demonstrate. But it is possible.

 

I'm generally happy, in good shape, and I work and pay my bills, so this is kinda disappointing

 

 

I think AMJ really touched on something here. Being "nice" often isn't enough. OLD favors guys whose traits are demonstrable and those who can set themselves apart somehow. On top of that, niceness isn't even necessarily a selling point. It's only a good thing if you meet all the other prerequisites. "Nice" guys with no other discernible character traits are a dime a dozen (I'm assuming) on OLD. Saying "I'm generally happy and I pay my bills" are things that are expected of you, not things to hang your hat on. Trying to advertising yourself by saying these things make you seem less distinct. No woman is going to drop her panties because you paid the phone bill on time. What's your selling point?

 

I am kinda quiet, so it's hard for me to meet girls. I'd like to. I'm really not sure how to go about it. The online dating obviously hasn't worked, so I kinda don't know. I get some people don't meet someone, and that's ok. I would like to have kids (I work with them, so it would be fun), but I just work, go home, and hang out with my family during my offdays. It's tough getting together with friends, and I'm in a new area, and my friends work too and some have kids, so they don't have time.

 

Well if you think being quiet is keeping you from meeting girls, you need to learn not to be quiet. You need to step out of your comfort zone. If what you're doing isn't working, do it differently until it does. You're not accomplishing much by just working, going home, and hanging out with your family. What are you doing to actually improve your situation? I try to improve myself and my businesses every moment that I have. I'm roughly your age and I'm starting to realize how precious my time is. These days I feel sick not using my time to improve or accomplishing anything. The effort's made me a better person and my success in dating is proof of that. So rather than ask yourself "why don't women want to go out with me?" maybe it's time to start asking "why would they?" and then take action and do something about it.

[Melrapuo]

Here's how my sailing response would have gone:

 

"Hi there. I've never sailed, but my family has a paddle boat and I can eat anything while on a ship and never get sea sick. If either of these things interest you, I'm all ears ;)"

 

I probably wouldn't get a response (because let's be honest...that comment isn't great) but I'm just acting true to myself. Both statements are facts, and if the girl is still (somehow) interested, she'll respond. Plus it's not the same "I LOVE SAILING" messages she probably gets a lot.

 

I'm in the same boat (har har) as you, though. I'm 29 and hit it off with a girl who suddenly disappeared after giving me her number. Found out she's had a boyfriend for over a year already. So don't always assume people don't follow through because something is wrong with you

[AMJ]

Here's how my sailing response would have gone:

 

"Hi there. I've never sailed, but my family has a paddle boat and I can eat anything while on a ship and never get sea sick. If either of these things interest you, I'm all ears ;)"

 

I probably wouldn't get a response (because let's be honest...that comment isn't great) but I'm just acting true to myself. Both statements are facts, and if the girl is still (somehow) interested, she'll respond. Plus it's not the same "I LOVE SAILING" messages she probably gets a lot.

 

I'm in the same boat (har har) as you, though. I'm 29 and hit it off with a girl who suddenly disappeared after giving me her number. Found out she's had a boyfriend for over a year already. So don't always assume people don't follow through because something is wrong with you

 

So this is why I'd suggest not talking about sailing at all. Is it necessary to love sailing to have a relationship with this woman? Of course not. Maybe you can learn to sail and sailing turns into just one of the many things you love to do together. Just like she used to hate football and camping, but learned to love those things too, because her boyfriend likes them.

 

It's not necessary to have all of these things in common with a person you want to date. A girl writes- I love to knit, read 50 shades of gray, play with my cat, and go to yoga. There's not much in that profile for you to really connect with, so why bother trying? Sure, ask her how old her cat is and if she liked the movie more or less than the book, but worrying too much about not being an expert knitter is beside the point.

 

On my profile it says I like to cook and bake. Every single response is asking about my cooking. Or mentioning how much they love to eat cookies. This isn't a turn off, it's endearing. But then again, most people can connect to cooking and eating, while not many can connect to sailing.

[JustGettingBy]

OK, a convoluted story, an attempt at humour, with not much of a punch line.

If she is a serious sailor, then 1) sailing at summer camp 17 years ago, is not impressive and 2) capsizing a boat is not impressive.

Playing the "clown" and self deprecating is only impressive, if it is actually funny. I am sure someone could make that story absolutely hilarious in a pub after a few drinks, but as an opening text it falls flat.

 

If sailing is actually "awesome", why were you not out sailing last week-end?

You chose to tell her with this opening text that you don't sail, and actually you probably weren't very good at it when you did do it, (for a week, when you were 13)...

YOU have no upbeat stories about your sailing mates at the sailing club or how you won that race, or great places you sailed to last year, so why choose, out of all the subjects in the world - "sailing"?

Nothing about sailing casts you in a good light.

You latched onto a "common interest", but when dissected, you just showed her how little in common you really had with her.

 

Women, who want relationships, want men who are in some way "impressive", this is a man she wants to marry, father her children, a man she can depend on.

She wants to see competence, punchy stories and something you truly share, as an opener.

Long winded stories about summer camp, which you can embellish and make very funny face to face, are great, but not in a opening text.

 

Her: Horses are my passion, I live and breathe horses.

You: I once patted a horse at the seaside when I was 10, it was a brown one in a field beside the crazy golf. It bit my friend's finger, but it didn't bleed, it was just bruised, I think. Horses seem to have very big teeth.

The horse liked carrots...

Her: Oh, OK .... next.

 

I think "neigh" would be a more likely response than next, given the context...