Need to Rant

[JacksBack]

OM, now 24 hours post D-day. Pain is intense, stomach feels like its in knots, I have no appetite. D-day was yesterday but I saw her for 2 hours today(8 hours ago) to discuss "logistics". Normally by now we'd have text each other a zillion times so I feel lost without that communication. What I don't get is 1) why is this harder than my two divorces and breakups with several girlfriends, was the love stronger or was it the affair fog? 2) Did I make her marriage workable? She has no passion, no sex, no romance with her BS and by providing those things, did I make her situation perfect?

[whichwayisup]

OM, now 24 hours post D-day. Pain is intense, stomach feels like its in knots, I have no appetite. D-day was yesterday but I saw her for 2 hours today(8 hours ago) to discuss "logistics". Normally by now we'd have text each other a zillion times so I feel lost without that communication. What I don't get is 1) why is this harder than my two divorces and breakups with several girlfriends, was the love stronger or was it the affair fog? 2) Did I make her marriage workable? She has no passion, no sex, no romance with her BS and by providing those things, did I make her situation perfect?

 

Please, do NOT believe this line, most MM and MW tell their OW/OM that the sex sucks, or is gone, they aren't attracted to their BS's anymore, they sleep in separate bedrooms etc..etc.. 9/10 it's crap! Would you rather have heard her say to you "I still have great sex with my husband?" My guess is no, so she lied to keep you going on the side. Yes you enhanced her sex life at home, made her feel special and sexy and then she got to play house and be happy with her husband and family. She used you selfishly. IF she truly was sexually turned off of her husband and detached, she would have left him.

 

Affair dynamics are not like regular relationship dynamics, nor like a marriage. Those ups and downs that you feel, one minute so happy and the next in tears and confusion, pain etc., doesn't happen in healthy relationships yet they happen in (most) affairs.

 

Let yourself cry and be sad. Grieving has to happen so don't try to stop it.

[JacksBack]

Thanks whichwayisup, I need someone to remind me. Im a 51 yo man, been through 2 divorces without tears, considered myself a strong person and yet now I find myself thinking Im doing ok one minute and then bursting into tears. I hope this gets easier.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks whichwayisup, I need someone to remind me. Im a 51 yo man, been through 2 divorces without tears, considered myself a strong person and yet now I find myself thinking Im doing ok one minute and then bursting into tears. I hope this gets easier.

 

Like everything else that is painful in life, you just gotta ride it out.

 

What you can do is in a week or so, give yourself a break from it all, use that bad and sad energy and put it into something useful. Start a project that will keep your mind busy, join a gym and take up boxing or tennis, something physical that will tire you out. Hang out with your buddies too and let them cheer you up.

[JacksBack]

Thanks, already member of a gym and I play soccer but always wanted to take boxing lessons, I think I will check that out. Maybe I will also make a list of all the things I have always considered doing, like learning to play guitar

[Grey Cloud]

I think it's is so much harder than normal break ups because for whatever reason an affair is an addiction, a drug. Normal relationships generally tend not to be an addiction. In a normal relationship there are obviously highs and lows but not the same roller-coaster of feelings and unhealthy attachment. Affairs always have someone else in the equation whereas a normal relationship is just two people. And like a drug, you crave the contact, the text messages etc. and when that is removed it's like an empty abyss. Unfortunately it's going to take time. Baby steps in the right direction.

 

I also agree with whichwayisup about the sex thing. She probably said a whole lot of things to 1. Make you feel better about the situation 2. justify it in her own head.

[JacksBack]

Thanks GreyCloud, your reasoning makes sense. Like you said there's a 3rd person involved and I guess in an Affair you never get to feel the security you normally get from a regular relationship that develops into a commitment phase.I dont know if rollercoaster is a term regularly used in these situations but it is one I used with the exAP to try to explain to how tough being the OM is.

[lftbehind]

Please, do NOT believe this line, most MM and MW tell their OW/OM that the sex sucks, or is gone, they aren't attracted to their BS's anymore, they sleep in separate bedrooms etc..etc.. 9/10 it's crap! Would you rather have heard her say to you "I still have great sex with my husband?" My guess is no, so she lied to keep you going on the side. Yes you enhanced her sex life at home, made her feel special and sexy and then she got to play house and be happy with her husband and family. She used you selfishly. IF she truly was sexually turned off of her husband and detached, she would have left him.

 

Affair dynamics are not like regular relationship dynamics, nor like a marriage. Those ups and downs that you feel, one minute so happy and the next in tears and confusion, pain etc., doesn't happen in healthy relationships yet they happen in (most) affairs.

 

Let yourself cry and be sad. Grieving has to happen so don't try to stop it.

 

It's not necessarily true that if a woman is detached and doesn't have sex with h much that she will leave him. It's hard to leave for a woman for the same reasons it's hard to leave for a man and a lot of times it's hard to do financially. I can't imagine a woman having great sex at home and her having an A also. I also would think that most women in A are not playing house and being happy with the H and family. Something is usually missing for an affair to happen and a lot of times they get attached to their AP. It's still hard to leave their M.

[sandylee1]

I can't imagine a woman having great sex at home and her having an A also. I also would think that most women in A are not playing house and being happy with the H and family. Something is usually missing for an affair to happen and a lot of times they get attached to their AP. It's still hard to leave their M.

 

But many women do have great sex at home and still cheat. I've seen a lot of women admit to this and boredom of being a SAHM has been the excuse.

 

Affairs are very much like addictions ...that sneaking around and being secret lovers just adds to the passion.

[Poppy47]

She has a lot to lose and she really only knows you as an A partner.

 

It's not a good gamble for her. I am not sure I would have left a secure marriage for an A partner either. The backlash and upheaval would be terrible for her and for you.

 

If she left for you, it might eventually destroy your relationship anyway.

 

I am really over hearing that all affairs are like addictions. Affairs can be many things to many people.

 

If you want to end it, then do.... you can walk away anytime you like. You really don't want to because you are still hooked on her. I Know the feeling.

 

Poppy.

[JacksBack]

She has a lot to lose and she really only knows you as an A partner.

 

It's not a good gamble for her. I am not sure I would have left a secure marriage for an A partner either. The backlash and upheaval would be terrible for her and for you.

 

If she left for you, it might eventually destroy your relationship anyway.

 

If you want to end it, then do.... you can walk away anytime you like. You really don't want to because you are still hooked on her. I Know the feeling.

 

Poppy.

 

I get that now, that the A was not enough to be worth the upheaval. I would like to think that she at least considered it but not sure even that is the case. Yes still hooked on her but I have walked away, the A is already over. Last two days were tough but I'm getting stronger. Shes swinging by tomorrow to pick up her stuff from my apartment while I'm at work, once all her stuff is gone I'll be in a better position to move on.

[lftbehind]

But many women do have great sex at home and still cheat. I've seen a lot of women admit to this and boredom of being a SAHM has been the excuse.

 

Affairs are very much like addictions ...that sneaking around and being secret lovers just adds to the passion.

 

Could be, but in most of the stories you hear on hear on hear the MOW is having M problems and then they have an A. I just can't see why a woman would want to have an A when things are good at home. Sneaking around and being secret lovers isn't fun, it's just a good way to get hurt and hurt everyone involved.

[RRM321]

Please, do NOT believe this line, most MM and MW tell their OW/OM that the sex sucks, or is gone, they aren't attracted to their BS's anymore, they sleep in separate bedrooms etc..etc.. 9/10 it's crap!

 

I think initially it's crap - a full life being what makes these people seem so exciting and attractive. In addition, the "feeling alive" euphoria the affair induces and the need for secrecy probably injects some over-compensation into the marriage.

 

Once suspicion or discovery arises, I'm sure the marital relationship (if not separated) does indeed wind it's way down to a sexless, separate bedroom, emotionless co-existence.

 

In that sense, it can be both a true state and a gross lie by distortion.

 

Affairs are addictions because, like drugs - scarcity drives the craving (jonesing). Acquisition is restricted, unpredictable, and out of our control which drives an unnatural craving.

Edited February 18, 2016 by RRM321

[Gigi2015]

OM, now 24 hours post D-day. Pain is intense, stomach feels like its in knots, I have no appetite. D-day was yesterday but I saw her for 2 hours today(8 hours ago) to discuss "logistics". Normally by now we'd have text each other a zillion times so I feel lost without that communication. What I don't get is 1) why is this harder than my two divorces and breakups with several girlfriends, was the love stronger or was it the affair fog? 2) Did I make her marriage workable? She has no passion, no sex, no romance with her BS and by providing those things, did I make her situation perfect?

 

 

How are you sure D-day happened. Many feed that line.

[Doublegold]

Thanks whichwayisup, I need someone to remind me. Im a 51 yo man, been through 2 divorces without tears, considered myself a strong person and yet now I find myself thinking Im doing ok one minute and then bursting into tears. I hope this gets easier.

 

Sounds like you love her.

 

Take Care.

[Doublegold]

I am really over hearing that all affairs are like addictions. Affairs can be many things to many people.

 

 

Poppy.

 

Amen.

 

ten characters.

[JacksBack]

How are you sure D-day happened. Many feed that line.

 

its over for sure. she said she cant leave her marriage I said I cant stay in just an A. We both agreed to go our ways and go NC.

[carhill]

OM, now 24 hours post D-day. Pain is intense, stomach feels like its in knots, I have no appetite.

Yeah, pretty normal. The brain chemistry of unfinished business.

D-day was yesterday but I saw her for 2 hours today(8 hours ago) to discuss "logistics".

In-person can swing either way. Sometimes it's productive to finishing business and getting a bit of closure. Sometimes not.

Normally by now we'd have text each other a zillion times so I feel lost without that communication.

Yep, the loss of familiar sensory inputs. We become inured to certain impulses and when they stop suddenly, the brain can't adjust right away.

What I don't get is 1) why is this harder than my two divorces and breakups with several girlfriends, was the love stronger or was it the affair fog?

It wasn't a complete and exclusive relationship that ran its course.

2) Did I make her marriage workable? She has no passion, no sex, no romance with her BS and by providing those things, did I make her situation perfect?

Couple things:

1. Can't read people's minds so no way of knowing what she was feeling or how their marriage went, unless of course you have video evidence of it. Everything else is narrative and, yup, people write their narrative to suit their id.

 

2. Generally, people who have transitory affairs and remain married, by their sole act of seeking out the attention and/or love of another person, are seeking that person to give them something. Sometimes that's attention/validation, sometimes it's love, sometimes it's sex. Whatever it is, it's external to them, in that they cannot or will not provide it for themselves, rather obtain it from others.

 

What I learned from a lot of experience with MW's was that I, the person, was unremarkable, rather I possessed something of value to them and, when they had obtained the full extent of the value desired, they moved on, not in a mean or insulting way but rather being finished with that experience and on to the next one, perhaps focusing again on their spouse or another affair partner. It's simply an extension of people operating in their own self-interest.

 

IME, you'll likely deal with plenty of 'what if' scenarios rattling around in your brain for quite sometime. I found the key to quieting the rancor and calming the anxiety and assuaging the depression was a path of acceptance, meaning what happened, happened, it was what it was, it is now concluded and life goes on. There are billions of people on the planet who don't interact with you nor you them and this person is now one of those billions. No more complicated than that.

[Summer3]

2. Generally, people who have transitory affairs and remain married, by their sole act of seeking out the attention and/or love of another person, are seeking that person to give them something. Sometimes that's attention/validation, sometimes it's love, sometimes it's sex. Whatever it is, it's external to them, in that they cannot or will not provide it for themselves, rather obtain it from others.

 

 

I agree. Don't underestimate how good it feels to have someone who isn't your spouse flatter you with sexual attention. It's the attention that's addictive not necessarily the person.

[Southern Sun]

I think it's wrong to assume that the MW was just lying to the OP about whether she had "passionate sex" with her BH or whether she had sex at all, whether she really loved him or was just getting something of value and would move on at some point. All of these are just opinions and often driven by hurt or pain from one's own situation. Only the OP knows his own situation and he knows his MW best.

 

In my own A, I was in love with my xMM. We had a D-Day and it still took a while to totally end. He knew I still had sex with my BH (never misled him about that), but I grew more and more distant from BH over time, and it became next to impossible to even have sex with him as I grew in love with MM. Lots of women work that way. They can't physically enjoy sex with more than one person, when they are very emotionally attached to another. Some are different I know. But many are like that. The scenario WWIU painted sounds a lot more common to men in affairs than women (still enjoying great sex at home while having sex in an affair).

 

OP, whether you made her situation tolerable, I don't know. Mine worked that way for a while perhaps. But then, as I became more attached to MM, I actually grew impatient with staying in the marriage. You are thinking more like a man. Men tend to find that affairs make their marriages tolerable. Again, it can happen with women, but not as often. Women who get emotionally entangled often leave their marriages.

 

So I don't know what's up with your MW. I haven't left my marriage, even though I got very emotionally entangled. I don't consider MM an option anymore, so maybe that's part of it. The other part is, I believe I lost sight of the good parts of my M. But there's so much more to it - children, history, family. Just so complicated.

[JacksBack]

I think it's wrong to assume that the MW was just lying to the OP about whether she had "passionate sex" with her BH or whether she had sex at all, whether she really loved him or was just getting something of value and would move on at some point.

 

Lots of women work that way. They can't physically enjoy sex with more than one person, when they are very emotionally attached to another. Some are different I know.

 

Women who get emotionally entangled often leave their marriages.

 

I don't consider MM an option anymore, so maybe that's part of it. The other part is, I believe I lost sight of the good parts of my M. But there's so much more to it - children, history, family. Just so complicated.

 

I am 99.9% sure she was telling me the truth that she was in a sexless marriage. I'm also 99.9% sure she loved me. End of the day though it wasn't a strong enough attachment to be worth the turmoil of separating from BS and give up the comfortable life she had. As per my previous post, chance of MW leaving a M after 1 year of the affair is low, and gets less and less likely with time.

[carhill]

I am 99.9% sure she was telling me the truth that she was in a sexless marriage.

Yup, when we love we want to believe. Try something....look around and decide who's having sex and who's not. Married people or otherwise. Interesting, isn't it?

I'm also 99.9% sure she loved me.

Yup, I still see that stuff. One lesson MW's and, heck, being married taught me was the nuances between being loved, authentically, and someone letting one love them. Sure, she may have loved you, no one will ever know but her, but her actions indicated where her true loves lay, for herself and her life path without you. That's OK. It's part of being human. When we love, we take risks. Sometimes things go well and sometimes horribly. Impossible to predict how it's going to go.

End of the day though it wasn't a strong enough attachment to be worth the turmoil of separating from BS and give up the comfortable life she had

Every person has their own switch and, like many I've observed, this one didn't get thrown. That's OK. Life goes on.

As per my previous post, chance of MW leaving a M after 1 year of the affair is low, and gets less and less likely with time.

 

My experience with MW's tends to agree and, with the exceptions, mostly serial adulteresses by their own admission, when they did leave, it was a lifestyle/social status move. Think of it like growing a career. Stepping stones. To me it makes sense since people generally try to improve their lot in life and partnerships or associations are one way of doing so. If a more profitable association appears and is offered, well, take it. People, in general, are interchangeable. I know we like to think we're special snowflakes but in reality we're fragile beings with lots of imperfections and limited lifespans.

 

I still deal with MW's and, yup, still get the emotional tug of those erstwhile heartfelt ILY's from them but know, elementally, that it'll pass. It always does. That's how life goes and then we die.

[JacksBack]

One lesson MW's and, heck, being married taught me was the nuances between being loved, authentically, and someone letting one love them.

 

My experience with MW's tends to agree and, with the exceptions, mostly serial adulteresses by their own admission, when they did leave, it was a lifestyle/social status move.

 

Interesting couple of comments. I always had the niggling doubt whether she loved me or just loved the way I loved her.

Giving up on her marriage to be with me would have been a social status downwards movement which I know almost never happens.

[imperfectangel]

Interesting couple of comments. I always had the niggling doubt whether she loved me or just loved the way I loved her.

Giving up on her marriage to be with me would have been a social status downwards movement which I know almost never happens.

 

My long term a ended recently. Mm made out that he was there for his children that if he moved in with me (I live a hour away from him) he'd never see them. We didn't talk much about his m (I can't hear it) but there wasn't much positivity from what I gathered. About a month ago I found out they had had another child, maybe nearly a year ago. He also kept his other children secret until I found out for myself either from other people or playing detective online because I had the feeling something wasn't right.

 

This whole time I thought eventually he'll get the courage to leave. It is hard to leave a m I get that but a man still making a family with his wife is not the man preparing mentally at least, to leave.

 

That was my breaking point. Sure he'd never point blank said he would leave but it was always insinuated.

 

Did he love me? Maybe but really who cares?! He can tell me whatever he wants but his actions show otherwise.

 

Does she love you? Only she knows but what are her actions telling you? I made excuses for my mm, apologised for making a fuss when things got too much for me and the whole time I'm really not sure he gave a ****.

 

I'm sure my ex mm will return when he's feelin down or they've had a argument and he wants validating much like your mw will. They all come back at some point. What will you do when she does?

[JacksBack]

I'm sure my ex mm will return when he's feelin down or they've had a argument and he wants validating much like your mw will. They all come back at some point. What will you do when she does?

 

I would say sorry, I don't mess around with married women anymore. I'd be interested to know if other on this forum think you are correct that the MM/MW...ALL come back at some point. Based on what I have read on the various posts it would seem to be 50/50. Anyone else got any insight on this?