Why does it have to be this way????

[wolvie666]

Long story short. I was a heartbroken regular at this site a year ago and stuck around here for most of last summer. My girlfriend who I had been with for 7 years decided to leave me for somebody else. We had wedding plans and everything. So... pain, depression, tears, anger, all that for months. Finally in the fall came healing, feeling better about everything. I came to New York to visit some friends and ended up hanging out with a girlfriend from WAY back when. Well, we hooked up one night and I thought I liked her and that there was some potential. Then she dropped the bomb on me that she was dating a girl. No biggie. It was one night and I didn't worry too much about it. But, I decided then and there that I wanted to move to NYC. I started dating another girl back home, but that ended after the holidays.

 

So around early february my ex started calling me. She was still with the idiot she left me for and was crying to me about how she missed me and what a jerk he is and all that. At that point I was not interested in hearing it so I kinda gave her the cold shoulder. All the while I was trying to save money to move. In march I put in a transfer request at my job and got a transfer confirmed for early may. Also in march my ex broke up with the guy she left me for and REALLY started calling me and asking me to hang out. I felt bad because she would call me crying sometimes so I started spending time with her. I was purposefully not allowing myself to get too emotionally involved though. I made her aware that I was leaving. Well, wouldn't you know I did get myself emotionally involved and found myself wanting to be with her more and more. It began feeling really good like the old times and I was the happiest I had been in forever. At the same time I still felt like I should move because I had set a goal for myself and I really wanted to achieve it. I decided that I would move and see how I liked it and then if I decided that I wanted to move back I would. We decided together that we would consider ourselves back together and try to make it work.

 

So I got here and it was okay for a while, but I really missed her and we were talking all the time and I made up my mind to jsut stay here for the summer and then go back. We were both happy about that decision. And for the past few weeks I've been trying to enjoy myself while I bide my time and wait to go back home. For some reason she's done a 180 on me this week though. She's been saying that she doesn't believe I even intend to come back and that she thinks I moved up here to be around my ex-girlfriend and that she doesn't want to talk to me again until I get back. THEN, she told me she met a nice guy who she's been hanging out with everyday. I was floored. I've been job hunting back home and have a phone interview monday that could lead to a real interview by weeks end, and that would mean a trip home, which would mean I could see her. But she won't answer my calls. She was saying, "If I really loved her I never would have moved." I don't know how to explain to her that I felt like I had to see it through for a little while since I had secured an apartment and a job. She told me she was okay with it when I left but now she's turned around and done this. She has been saying all these things about how there is no other guy like me in the world and her time away from me last year was the most miserable in her life. She thinks we're soulmates and all that... So what if I go home and she's not there for me?

 

Part of me thinks she might be doing this all to speed up my coming home process. If that's what it is then it's definetly working. But we went from talking several times a day to her refusing to take my calls all this week. I don't know what to think. I could be out tonight, but I'm just sitting in my apartment worrying. It's friday night, this is New York City. I don't care about any of that crap though. I just wanna know that things are gonna be okay with us. Nothing else matters to me right now. She may be out with some other guy though. How can she do that after bawling to me about how much she loves me and how she would wait for me forever (though I would never make her do that). It sucks.

 

Well, I guess I'll see what's really going on if I go back next week. That's a long time to wait with a question mark over my head though.

[Marshbear]

Second chances never work. Do not move back to your old life because the chances are good that your ex will dump you anyway. She is just playing a guilt trip on you now. Don't fall for it. It sucks that you were getting over her and then you started hanging out and the feelings came back. Keep yourself busy and find other people to hang out with. Remember that she left you for another guy before and that will happen again after she realizes all the things that happened in your relationship that made her leave. Move forward not back.

 

 

Peace...

[fundamental]

This girl is trying to manipulate you. She is refusing to accept your calls so that you will come back to her faster. If she really cared, she would not be acting like this. I bet you she is miserable and probably thinks you are playing her. Why? Because she did this to you. If I were you, I'd stay right where you are or you will regret it. However, if you want her, go for it.... who am I to tell you what to do?

[miss-gonewest]

I moved states a few years ago while I was dating this guy... a few days after I moved (Valentine's Day) he called to tell me not to expect anything as it was over... he wasn't doing the long distance thing.

 

Fair enough!

 

But his reasoning was that he didn't want to be responsible for any moves I made ie. if it didn't work out, not to move home purely to be with him because he couldn't give me any guarantees... he didn't want me to blame him if things didn't work out; and that I had given up my dreams for him.

 

It hurt like hell, but he was dead right. At the end of the day you can only be responsible for yourself and your own actions.

 

I'd say that you need to TALK TO EACH OTHER... If she won't take your calls, send her an email/letter.

 

She may even be getting cold feet about your commitment and she is hoping you may end the relationship, I don't know. But she does sound slightly manipulative and confused herself.

 

If I were you, I'd sit tight in New York... if she loves you, she will make it work no matter what. Don't give up your life (which has so much potential) unless you are sure that you want this crazy on/off life with her. You know there are plenty of women out there for you.

 

Good luck, let us know what you decide.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by wolvie666

How can she do that after bawling to me about how much she loves me and how she would wait for me forever (though I would never make her do that). It sucks.

 

It's obvious she doesn't love you that much.

 

I mean, she did leave you once already, right?

[suegail]

I respect the fact that you have strong feelings for her, but she's making everything very hard for you, and it needn't be.

 

I get the feeling you will go back at her urging, regardless of any advice against that. Personally, I think you should not. You're in the perfect position right now for having a new start. That's probably the thing that's freaking her out. If I understood you correctly, your plan was in motion for this before she came back into the picture. If that is indeed the case, why should you rearrange your life once again? Why can't she move to N.Y.?

 

I guess my concern is that you'll give up on all your plans, your goals, which you mentioned, you'll give it all up, go back, and something else will 'change' with her. I think you know what that will mean for you, once again. I hope that doesn't happen.

 

Good luck..

[strange love]

It has to be this way cause you moved, Ok?

I guess on the flip side you could throw back, if you really loved me you would move up here with me.

 

In any case just cool off and wait for her to call you.

 

I have a feeling, theres a little more to you guys breaking up then it just being her choice...

[moon]

Purely from reading your post I can assume a few things. Your ex is confused. She already left you for somebody else so you know she's perfectly capable of doing it again. You know this.

 

Why don't you throw it a different way. Put yourself first and tell the girl you don't plan on leaving New York and if SHE really wants you she can find a way to move out to New York City. You can offer her assistance in her move and what not, but tell her you're find right where you are. One of two things will happen.

 

1. She'll cry about it a bit and then realize she wants to stay home.

2. She'll cry about it a bit and then realize she wants to stay home and date that new guy or somebody else.

3. She'll get her act together and do things your way for a change. Then you'll know she means business.

 

I'd stand your ground and tell the girl you're staying put and it's her turn to make sacrifices.

 

If she doesn't want to talk to you anymore then keep moving on. Once again this girl sounds highly confused. You will most likely get put on hold for somebody else very soon once again. You don't want that. Give her some tough love. Tell her it's your way or the highway. Tell her there is no room this time for her childish games.

 

Tell her you'll send her a plane ticket. That's the best you can do.

 

I think second chances can work but I think there has to be new rules that are applied. You can't treat the situation the same way you did before. You have to do things differently. It's got to be different I think. You have to stand up for youself, have self esteem and boundaries.

[miss-gonewest]

Hear hear!

 

That was a bloody good post..... sharp and to the point!

 

Couldn't have said it better myself

[wolvie666]

Thanks for all the feedback everybody. My initial feelings of distress over her not answering her phone have turned to me being angry with her for behaving so badly.

 

I have a lot to think about I guess. Her leaving me a year ago was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with after all those years together. She insists it was the biggest mistake of her life and just taught her that there's nobody else out there like me, but I really don't deserve to be treated the way I'm being treated now. I've always dismissed her leaving me as being the "seven year itch," but I don't know. I've talked to one of her friends since I posted and she said that the girl is still "in love with me" and is just not the same without me there. Also she said my ex keeps saying that "she needs me there with her." I don't know. Her silent treatment crap is starting to backfire though. It's making me not wanna go home.