Marriage break up

[thomasrobert]

Firstly, I love my wife very much and dont want to split up. She has recently suggested that she is not 'in love' with me anymore, sees me as a friend and that she wants to break up which I dont and want to make our marriage work. She had a bit of a wobble 12-18 months ago with similar feelings but then became pregnant with our little boy who is now 3 months old. We have been married for 2 1/2 years and together for nearly 6 years now.

 

Within 4-6 weeks of him being born she was acting strange like she did 12-18 months ago and is devoid of emotion, distant and pretty much ignoring me most of the time. She wont call or text me like she used to even though she is constantly on her phone, she heads to the gym for 2-3 hours and the same with popping out for shopping etc and im worried that there might be someone else:/ I do as much as I can to help with our little baby as well as working but am struggling to keep trying when although she has agreed to try, is putting in no effort. She has now been diagnosed with PND which in my head explains why she is the way that she is but she thinks that that is seperate to her issues and feelings on our relationship?

 

I am trying as hard as I can but have bad days when I get nothing back, any thoughts / ideas would be appreciated...

[d0nnivain]

Ask her what caused her to feel this way. Does she have post-partum? If you amped up the romance back to like when you were 1st dating could that help? Is she willing to try? For your child's sake remind her of the vows you two took & ask her to work with you to rekindle that spark & to fight for your marriage & family. MC is probably the best 1st step.

[PegNosePete]

My "third party involvement" spidey sense is definitely going off very strongly here. She is showing the classic signs of someone involved in an ongoing affair. But you don't really give much detail so it's hard to say for sure, there could be other explanations.

 

- Who is she "constantly" on her phone to? Voice or text or apps?

- Has she recently started password-locking it?

- Does she use it when you're around, or go somewhere private to use it?

- Does she deliberately tilt the screen away from you?

- How does she react if you ask to borrow it, or pick it up when she's not using it?

- Any other increases in privacy she's started recently? Facebook, email, etc?

- Is this gym thing new, and does she get dolled up for it? Are her gym clothes actually used when she gets home?

- Any other chances in behaviour? Extra care doing laundry, increases in secrecy, new perfume or lingerie or haircut (upstairs or downstairs)?

 

If you do find there is someone else involved then you certainly need a paternity test because as you say, she was acting the same just before she became pregnant........

[thomasrobert]

Thank you for your replies. I have amped up the romance and my overall manner to be the best possible hubby since 12/18 months ago when she first had her wobble and she has said that I have been amazing since that period but that its too late and when we hug or kiss or hold hands its 'weird'.

 

As far as her behaviour is conerned she has completely shut off. Struggles to kiss or even hug and always takes her phone with her and yes is on Facebook and Instagram etc. I dont want to violate her privacy by going through her phone or accusing her of having an affair as I really cant believe that she would do that but shes not the same person she was.

 

She has said that she wants to run away and start again on her own with our son but wouldnt do that as its unfair to me. We have a house, a baby and are in the middle of an extension which I know may have caused her stress as it should have been finished by the time baby arrived.

 

I think that a lot of the problems started when we returned from a delayed honeymoon 18 months ago and she came off the pill which caused some hormonal changes and her questioning of the relationship. After this she became pregnant and felt trapped but has tried since because of the little one but since he was born she has switched back to those prior feeling which I am putting down to hormones again but she thinks im in denial.

 

I think it is PND but I must say she is a brilliant mum which I do tell her and that is why she is feeling the way she is. Im not a quitter and wont give up but its so hard when you are up against a brick wall.

[PegNosePete]

I really cant believe that she would do that

I can guarantee you: they all say that.

 

I would say there's a very strong likelihood she's having an affair. I think you need to get the truth. Sometimes it is necessary to breach trust/privacy, in order to get a truth that you will never get otherwise. You have a right to know what's going on with your marriage.

 

Get hold of her phone if you can, and if it's not locked, or if you know the password. If it is protected, see if you can get the code by watching her enter it, trying her usual codes, etc. Or you can just ask her to borrow her phone (have an excuse for being unable to use yours prepared). Once you've got the code, see if she changes it the next day. She may have deleted all the evidence, so check for that. Out-of-context messages, all history deleted, all messages undeleted except for one person, etc. If she does have it passworded, she's more likely to leave evidence lying around, whereas if it's not protected, she'll be sure to keep it clean.

 

I'd also recommend a VAR (voice activated recorded) velcro'd to the bottom of her cat seat. Those involved in affairs often talk in the car. But if she stays at home all day while you're at work then she has all the privacy she needs, so she may talk openly in the living room - you could stash a VAR somewhere she'll never find it. Can you get fully itemized bills including free/inclusive minutes, to see who she's contacting, on both the mobile and land phone, incoming and outgoing calls?

 

Don't rule out the possibility of a burner phone. This is normally only common with spouses who've previously been discovered/caught, and need a way to communicate whilst the main phone's bills are under surveillance. If she doesn't suspect that you're suspicious, she probably won't be using one. But don't rule out the possibility.

 

Most importantly, don't her know that you are suspicious, because she will certainly take it underground. You need to do all this sneaky ninja style.

Edited February 18, 2016 by PegNosePete

[d0nnivain]

If this has been going on for a while & you have made the effort but she's still not responding, something else is going on. An affair would be my 1st guess so by all means do snoop. If you get caught, ask her what she would have done in your place.

 

 

Do stress that you think the two of you could benefit from MC. .

 

 

While everyone dreams of running away, the reality is you just can do that. Heck a couple of years ago at a very low, confusing point in my life, I actually made real inquiries about joining the Peace Corps. That simply isn't reality, however. I had obligations which kept me here.

 

 

She needs to grow up & realize that the life of a single mom is rough. The life she wants takes work with a partner, you. She needs to roll up her sleeves & get out of fantasy land.

[Mr. Lucky]

As far as her behaviour is conerned she has completely shut off. Struggles to kiss or even hug and always takes her phone with her and yes is on Facebook and Instagram etc. I dont want to violate her privacy by going through her phone or accusing her of having an affair as I really cant believe that she would do that but shes not the same person she was.

 

Were she sleeping with someone else, would that be violating your privacy?

 

At least take the easy step of checking the cell phone bill. The existence of a frequently called/texted number would tell you enough...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mx52]

I checked my wife's phone and her whatsapp txts fb etc and her phone bill and the stuff I found gave me the answers and closure I needed to make a decision as to stay or go. She wasn't telling me anything so i was left with no choice but to try and find the answers myself. I left the marriage based on what I found out and I'm glad I found out now rather than a few years down the line before it really got out of hand.

[thomasrobert]

So a little update for you. I went ahead and did the phone bill check and their is a number that is prolific to say the least in terms of messaging and texting and its not mine!

 

The number is of a guy who is a friend of a friend and the calls are over the last 12 months with some as long as an hour plus at a time.

 

We had a conversation where I looked her in the eye and asked her if she had ever cheated on me and she looked me back and said no and I believe her but the above calls etc arent good and arent healthy for our relationship.

 

Any thoughts on my next steps would be appreciated....

[d0nnivain]

Next step is you point out to her that she has been engaging in an emotional affair -- meaning she is giving this guy time & attention that is rightfully yours, as her husband.

 

 

Ask if she's willing to stop contact with him & go to MC with you.

 

 

If she says no to either of those requests, consult a lawyer because she has already checked out of your marriage.

[thomasrobert]

Thank you. I just dont want to feel like the bad person for invading her privacy but there cannot be a legitimate reason for the text and calls which do not appear on her phone!?

[d0nnivain]

Thank you. I just dont want to feel like the bad person for invading her privacy but there cannot be a legitimate reason for the text and calls which do not appear on her phone!?

 

 

invading her privacy < breaking your marital vows

 

 

Really which is the greater more unpardonable sin here? Two wrongs don't make a right but she wasn't exactly being candid with you. She told you she wanted to go off & be by herself. LIE. She was fantasizing about being free to go off & be with him.

[PegNosePete]

We had a conversation where I looked her in the eye and asked her if she had ever cheated on me and she looked me back and said no and I believe her

Sorry to say this, but you were foolish to do this, and foolish to believe her lies. People who are engaged in cheating are expert liars. She is looking you in the eye and lying to your face.

 

Now unfortunately you have tipped her off that you are suspicious. She will now take the affair completely underground. The calls will stop (or so it seems), you will never find any texts, emails, messages or any other evidence. She will get a burner phone, she will check for VARs, she will hide everything from you. This is the problem when you confront a cheater half-cocked and without solid proof.

 

but there cannot be a legitimate reason for the text and calls which do not appear on her phone!?

There is only one reason, that is to arrange a surprise birthday party for you. Have you had any surprise parties lately?

 

If not, it is 100% definitely an affair, probably physical. This kind of phone activity plus any kind of potential for real-life meet-up means a physical affair has already taken place.

 

Sorry but I think you've only one option left and that is to take your balls in your hand and bluff her into confessing. You need to tell her you KNOW what is going on with XXX so she might as well confess. And no matter what she says, do not let up until she does.

 

Don't let this devolve into an invasion of privacy debate. This is about HER actions, not yours. Don't even tell her how you know about XXX. Just say you know and that's all that matters.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you. I just dont want to feel like the bad person for invading her privacy but there cannot be a legitimate reason for the text and calls which do not appear on her phone!?

 

She's deleting them from her history if they don't appear on her phone. That's why the bill indicates activity not apparent on her device.

 

We had a conversation where I looked her in the eye and asked her if she had ever cheated on me and she looked me back and said no and I believe her

 

thomasrobert, understand the premise that you're believing - she's deceived, lied, manipulated and stonewalled to this point, but now she's telling the truth ?

 

I'd like to use stronger terms, but I'll just say not very likely...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Babs22]

I believe your wife is most likely having s physical affair with this guy. It may have started prior to her pregnancy from the sound of it which raises an entirely different question. You did say she had a bit of a wobble 12-18 months ago. Her 2-3 hour trips to the gym or store are another indication of a physical affair. The biggest indicator is the fact that she has checked out of the marriage and now you have extensive proof of her relationship with another man. I suppose you could hire a PI, if you want to know for sure. can you check how far back this number started showing up on the phone?

[thomasrobert]

So .... I asked the question on Friday as to what is going on her with her and XXX as I know theres something shes not telling me. She then confirmed that she speaks to him as a friend as when she felt she had no-one to talk to when she became pregnant he was able to help and listen and during the pregnancy the same thing. She says that there is nothing else to it. She apologised and said that she had wanted to tell me and that it was a weight off her shoulders that I know but she felt she didnt want to tell me because of how I may react.

 

As you can imagine Im not happy about it but mananged to retain that and simply said that those conversations need to be with me or her family.

 

She says that he has never tried it on with her and that she has never cheated he is simply a friend who is there for her when she needs someone to talk to.

[d0nnivain]

Do you believe her that it wasn't physical? Right now, trusting her word isn't your best move.

 

 

Did you tell her that confiding in him constitutes an emotional affair? Did you use those words? What was her reaction? If she protests, you need to point out that she claims she talked to him when there wasn't anybody else to talk to. Hello. You are her husband. She should have talked to you. If you weren't listening, then shame on you. But still that is no reason to turn to another man.

 

 

Have you asked her to cut contact with him & go to MC with you? If not, why not? If you did ask what was her reaction?

[Mr. Lucky]

She says that he has never tried it on with her and that she has never cheated he is simply a friend who is there for her when she needs someone to talk to.

 

Here's what you posted before:

 

So a little update for you. I went ahead and did the phone bill check and their is a number that is prolific to say the least in terms of messaging and texting and its not mine!

 

The number is of a guy who is a friend of a friend and the calls are over the last 12 months with some as long as an hour plus at a time.

 

I'll bet you have friends you talk to - do you interact with any of them in this way and to this degree? Multiple times per day, hours at a time?

 

No one is saying you shouldn't forgive your wife. What is being advised is that you should understand what you're forgiving her for. You have some decisions to make, do so from an informed basis. Glossing over what she's done and sweeping it under the rug helps nether one of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sparta]

0P wake the **** up..! she is cheating on you and it is a physical affair are you that naïve please buddy wake up... What gets me so upset is because I hate when a nice guy like this guy gets his ass handed to you exactly what he's getting right now, look I can't even take it if you come here take some advice and don't argue with anyone here with people been through it I've been through it. You're

You know it makes your woman confirmed that she made the right move is the way you were acting they can't stand weakness.

[standtall]

Women with minor children seldom leave marriages unless.

 

1. Verbal/physical abuse by you.

2. Drug/alcohol issues by either.

3. Mental issues by either.

4. Emotional abandonment..this includes too much xbox, fishing, beer, football..whatever.,,by you.

5. Third party involvement by either.

 

 

Pick your poison...it's one of them.

[LittleG]

OP. I feel your pain, I'm in a similar situation. Wife told me months ago she wasn't happy. I knew something was up and most likely another guy involved. I never would have thought that she would cheat on me so I believed her that nothing happened with other guy even when I checked cell phone records and found out about their conversations. We have been going to counseling for months. After our first session I cried my soul out to her that she tell me everything that happened with OM. I felt their conversations were cheating but continued to believe her that nothing had happened. I even said in our last counseling session that as long as she wasn't keeping anything from me we could move on. We both seemed happy with counseling and had been talking about future plans. She said i had been doing everything she wanted and was happy. Deep down I knew she hadn't been honest with me. I checked her phone 2 days ago and found out that she had been seeing OM several times when our problems began, with kissing involved. Meanwhile during the whole time we have been counseling she has been telling her friend how much she still likes this OM and can't get over him. Even when confronted with the evidence from her phone she still repeatedly tried to lie about it. She is begging for one more chance and says she will do anything. I told her she had many chances to come clean during counseling and there are no more chances. I am meeting with our therapist this afternoon but pretty sure I'm done.