Spouse said choose her or my daughter!

[testmeasure]

It's still not relevant, because no matter who the kids belong to, things have played out this way and it's done.

Everything in the past has already played out the way it did and is done.

 

You can't change the past. That doesn't mean you don't need to know about it to give an informed opinion about what to do going forward.

 

What does it matter if the other 5 kids are children of the marriage?

 

OP stood by his daughter and his wife left. So what difference does it make? The information would only serve for us to judge one or the other.

 

Suppose we found out more information and it did lead some on here to judge and think the dad was wrong or the mom was wrong.

 

First, it's not necessarily true that nothing good can come from that. Often that can be used to recommend a fix or at least a direction forward.

 

Suppose the additional information lead to a dead end judgment, with no fix or direction forward. It's still a lesson to learn not to repeat a mistake. Also a lesson for others who might be in a similar situation and read the thread, so they don't make the mistake.

 

Judging for the sake of judging is pointless, it's just done to make the person doing it feel superior. You can't use that to make judging for the sake of making decisions pointless. Even if it's a dead end judgment with no further fixes, directions forward or decisions to be made, there is still the decision to not repeat the mistake. Or the decision by others reading not to make the mistake. None of that is possible without the judgment and identification of the mistake.

 

I don't think there is a right or wrong in this case. Both parties are right. It's just a massive incompatibility. And ultimately, in that case, it doesn't really matter how many other people are affected, as the relationship is not sustainable.

 

It sounds more like a problem with the two 18 year olds. But, it's not impossible that the parents are incompatible.

 

If it is just a massive incompatibility, you're right the relationship isn't sustainable and there is no right or wrong. It's just incompatibility.

 

Although it's possible they are just incompatible, there's not enough information to make that a satisfactory answer for me. However, if that's your view, I can respect it and I can see how it would make you think further information irrelevant, and any attempt at judging anyone pointless.

 

.

[sandylee1]

She was wrong to give you that ultimatum... I would choose my child over a man every time and she should have known better than be so ridiculous.

 

How a mother could even say what she did is hard to believe.

 

In order to help your daughter though. ... she needs therapy. She can't continue behaving like this or she'll get into serious problems one day.

[standtall]

While this scenario has no one size fits all solution, in this case, you made a mistake for several reasons.

 

1. The step daughter is 18 yrs old and stealing while living at home. Regardless of her past, she is now responsible for her own actions and must face the consequences for such actions. Quit covering for her and finish what you stared and let her grow up. Try that broken home stuff with a judge as an adult and see what happens.

2, This is the most important part..the part that a lot pf posters get wrong..when you get married, in most vows, you state that you will put your wife above ALL others..and yes, this includes children. You and the wife are the foundation for a family of 10+ people..all suffer if you sacrifice your marriage for the sake of one child..there 9 others that require you. Additionally, all children grow up and leave the house to pursue their own lives, leaving you and the wife back to where you began..you and her. If you or her have been putting children's needs and wants above the spouses throughout that time, seldom is there anything left of the marriage when the kids are grown up and gone.

3. Listening to marital advice from people with multiple divorces and failed relationships.

[minimariah]

Try that broken home stuff with a judge as an adult and see what happens.

 

actually -- most judges would take the fact that this girl was abused into consideration & suggest counseling. her stealing is such an obvious cry for help - also, the other daughter is manipulative & spoiled: what consequences should she suffer? shouldn't she grow up, too?

 

...in most vows, you state that you will put your wife above ALL others..and yes, this includes children.

 

no, it doesn't. it really isn't some kind of competition.

 

You and the wife are the foundation for a family of 10+ people..all suffer if you sacrifice your marriage for the sake of one child...

 

so the OP should "dump" the rotten apple (that one child) for the sake of other apples (the rest of the family) -- you do realize how this sounds... right?

 

and i don't think folks suffered because their marriage broke up -- if it was a good marriage, they would have stayed together & worked through issues TOGETHER; his wife is acting like a spoiled brat. i believe their kids will be HAPPIER now that they aren't together anymore.

 

If you or her have been putting children's needs and wants above the spouses throughout that time...

 

this really isn't about neglecting spouse in favour of other children. this is about a clear disconnect and failure in trying to blend families. you can't kick the child that doesn't fit in - in order to mantain your picture perfect family.

 

if the OP kicked out his child, that would have (if he's at least a decent human being) left a HUGE strain on his relationship with the wife, filled with resentment. he would wonder about his child & her well being ALL THE TIME & his wife with her annoying daughter would be right there... to blame.

 

the OP has a child that's struggling. everyone here, every single adult failed her - EXCEPT her father who made the right decision & stayed by her side.

 

spouses are very much replacable, children aren't. at the end of the day, i doubt the OP's wife loved him. you don't make a man you LOVE choose between you and his own child.

[standtall]

Well thats your opinion there mini..I wasn't talking to you anyway.

 

I have 21 and going strong yrs of a happy marriage, 3 teenage children..one in college on a scholarship..one getting a full ride when she graduates, a 13 yr old, and a wonderful stay at home wife and mother.

 

That is my testament to original author..I think I'm qualified.

[xxoo]

and i don't think folks suffered because their marriage broke up -- if it was a good marriage, they would have stayed together & worked through issues TOGETHER; his wife is acting like a spoiled brat. i believe their kids will be HAPPIER now that they aren't together anymore.

 

I do think that it is better that they split, and I don't fault the dad for refusing to kick out his kid.

 

But I strongly disagree that the wife is acting like a spoiled brat. She is protecting her children, as any good parent would. As the OP is protecting his child.

[minimariah]

I think I'm qualified.

 

unless you have stepchildren & you've dealt with blending families -- you're not qualified at all, i'm sorry. having children who do well in school tells me absolutely nothing about your parenting. and i will remind you that the child in question was abused -- that's a whole other level of parenting; so kicking her out of her ONLY home would only devastate her further.

 

should she suffer consequences for stealing? sure. is kicking her out of her home appropriate punishment? absolutely not.

 

marriage isn't some kind of competition between children and the wife; you should NOT put your spouse above your children just like you shouldn't put your children above your spouse - you cannot even compare those relationships.

 

if the OP did kick his daughter out of the house... do you really think they would keep having a normal and healthy, happy marriage? they would just move on like their own daughter, sister - never existed?

 

But I strongly disagree that the wife is acting like a spoiled brat. She is protecting her children, as any good parent would. As the OP is protecting his child.

 

i agree -- she is protecting her children. the spoiled part, for me - was in her ultimatum. that ultimatum was probably just an excuse -- she just wanted to leave the marriage. there is really NO WAY that she thought her husband will kick his own child out of their own home -- if she did, that means that she doesn't know him at all.

 

i was a part of a blended family - me and my stepsister NEVER liked each other. she got on my nerves, i got on hers. we fought for years! my fahter & stepmother were patient and dealt with it through many counseling sessions, communications, tried to make it work in MANY ways -- and in the end, they succeeded.

 

i cannot imagine my stepmother giving my father ultimatums; they both wanted to make it work and they treated us the same -- the only reason their marriage worked out. most 2nd marriages who do fail, fail because of the impossible blending. you're either strong enough to make it OR it breaks you.

Edited February 21, 2016 by minimariah

[standtall]

I stand by my post. Again, I was speaking to the OP..go bully someone else.

[minimariah]

I stand by my post. Again, I was speaking to the OP..go bully someone else.

 

this is FORUM, meaning we all discuss & offer different perspectives, experiences. so i'm not sure what you mean by "i was talking to the OP" - other members are free to reply to your posts, isn't that right?

 

and i'm in NO WAY bullying you, i'm not being mean and i'm not insulting you -- i'm challenging you to discuss and defend your point while disagreeing with you; offering another perspective and my own experience in order for this debate to help the OP. it's good to see two different point of views. & i'm being respectful all the way.

 

i will add that i find your comment about advice from divorced folks rude & discriminatory; especially because you're not any more qualified to comment than they are.

Edited February 22, 2016 by minimariah

[66Charger]

Perhaps he should be insulted for such a idiotic post. And the 14 year old girl squeam "stop bullying me!!!" Disgusting.

 

There is no woman that I would marry that would come before my daughter and, since I am a single Dad who have dated several single Moms, if i told her that I should come before her child, that thought pattern would be met with laughter...and a boot.

 

Its not going to happen.

 

Right or wrong. Its my child. If we cant work it out then we cant.and go our seperate ways.

 

Edit: If you cant take the notion that your all powerfullness isnt 100% correct and may be debated, then be silent. And I was talking to you.

Edited February 22, 2016 by 66Charger

[Hailiee7]

My heart goes out to you.. Having an emotionally tender daughter is not easy, and it sounds as if the family dynamic situation was not healthy for your daughter or step-daughter. However, you thought of marriage counseling? It might help bring some undiscussed topics between you and your wife into the open and might actually help both of you. Just a thought.

[standtall]

Let me spell it out simply. He asked an opinion..I gave it. You have attacked my opinion offered to him multiple times as being wrong with quotes and 8x10 glossy photos. It is still my OPINION based on MY marriage vows to God and my wife, and MY experiences. I neither have the time nor inclination to defend my point...the above is enough. End of story.

[maacus]

You MOST DEFINITELY did the right thing. Anyone, and I do mean ANYONE, that tries to come between a parent and their child isn't owed one iota of respect or consideration. Whatever the age or the situation, your Daughter is of your own blood, and blood is thicker than water even in marriage.

[Liam1]

I don't know all the facts, but I do believe a dad should stand by his child, no matter their age, and a good wife would have pushed for counseling before walking out.

 

You did the right thing.

 

Your wife may have been at her wits end though.

 

Can you ask her to attend family counseling so you can find a more helpful solution.

 

If she won't, you have not lost much.