Thoughts...

[AngeliqueC]

I'm having a minor eye surgery in about a month - an ablation in lieu of LASIK - and it means I'll be out of commission for about a day, unable to drive, or do much of anything while I'm recovering.

 

MM wants to be here to "take care of me", but I'm not too keen on that idea. I really don't like the idea that I'm going to be basically helpless for 24 hours or so or so - and I don't want him to see me as being helpless, weak, or dependent. If I simply have to have someone here, I would rather it be my younger son. My mother is not capable physically of taking care of herself, much less of me. There are two dogs that will have to be taken care of while I'm "down" as well as someone to be "on standby" and check in on Mother.

 

My son really isn't that crazy about coming out and taking care of me but he's willing to do it. I hate hurting MM's feelings for not wanting him here, but when he's here I want to be able to enjoy being with him and I really can't do that in the kind of shape I'll be in.

 

My other option is to take a room at a pet friendly hotel across the street from the eye surgery center and simply go it alone, while letting a friend take over "Mother duty".

 

I need to decide fairly soon which route I'm going to take Of course, I could always simply not have the surgery done (it's to improve nearsightedness and eliminate my astigmatism).

 

I feel like I'm just letting my pride in my self-sufficiency and independence get in the way of letting anyone help me out, even just temporarily. I've never been good at the silently suffering, noble, grin and bear it sort of thing And I don't like people seeing me as ugly and selfish as I become when I don't feel well and I'm hurting.

 

Anyone been through this - either the ASA or conflict about independence/dependence?

[WasOtherWoman]

Well, much to my then-MM's frustration and annoyance I never let him take care of me. As long as he had a wife, he could go and take care of her.

 

This bugged the hell out of him, but I made it clear that it wouldn't be HIM I turned to when i needed help, because it certainly wasn't going to be ME that he turned to. I think letting an MM into that circumstance in your life provides him with a comfort level and some normalcy. Personally, I think that is a big mistake. Of course, I don't know your situation, but in general I don't think any OW (who wants her MM full time, that is) should let her MM into her life in this way. It makes him feel too good and too comfortable.

 

That said, how about a female friend? Seems like would be a better option.

[Mayday2016]

It sounds you don't want to burst the bubble.

 

The relationships we have outside of affairs we're real, or at least we should be. My ex husband saw me throw up, **** myself while pregnant with our son, and at my worst. As have my mother and sister. My exMM never did. One night he tried to come over and I refused to let him in as I was quite sick. I didn't want to make it 'real' or appear weak. However, oddly enough I've seen him sick as a dog and he had no qualms letting me take care of him. I guess he didn't care that the illusion of him being inhuman was gone.

 

It's up to you to show your vulnerability and trust in him to take care of you.

[Popsicle]

I had LASIK years ago and they MADE me rent a hotel room alone to stay at for the next 24 hours. They said I had to sleep (aka keep my eyes closed) undisturbed. I'm not sure if they will let you walk out by yourself. I say let MM do it, why not? He needs to leave afterwards anyway so you're not temped to open your eyes. Just don't you or him read too much into it. It's just a little favor, nothing more.

Edited February 18, 2016 by Popsicle

[whichwayisup]

Do you have a good woman friend or a neighbour who can look in on you or even stay with you? I can understand not wanting your mom since it seems like she's not capable.

 

and I don't want him to see me as being helpless, weak, or dependent

 

Because it'll burst the 'perfect' bubble? If you two love one another why not allow him to see you at your worst? Life at times throw shi.tballs, it makes it easier to let in those who are closest to you to help through rough times, especially surgery, albeit minor and not serious, but still you're going to need the help.

[AngeliqueC]

Popsicle, how was the recovery? Did your eyes feel like you had scratched them by over wearing your contacts? What about light sensitivity?

[13Hearts]

I am ridiculously independent. So I get it. But you need to let him do this. And anyway, he probably owes you.

[Sassy Girl]

It sounds you don't want to burst the bubble.

 

The relationships we have outside of affairs we're real, or at least we should be. My ex husband saw me throw up, **** myself while pregnant with our son, and at my worst. As have my mother and sister. My exMM never did. One night he tried to come over and I refused to let him in as I was quite sick. I didn't want to make it 'real' or appear weak. However, oddly enough I've seen him sick as a dog and he had no qualms letting me take care of him. I guess he didn't care that the illusion of him being inhuman was gone.

 

It's up to you to show your vulnerability and trust in him to take care of you.

 

There's a lot of insight in this post. Nailed it.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle, how was the recovery? Did your eyes feel like you had scratched them by over wearing your contacts? What about light sensitivity?

 

Not bad, and yes to all of the above. I suggest buying an eye mask to help you keep your eyes closed. I turned the lights out, and talked on the phone all afternoon and evening before sleeping. The next day it didn't hurt at all.

[Ms. Faust]

I think Mayday said it best.

If I was having a surgery like that I would want my love interest to take care of me.

 

My husband ate chicken while watching a nurse put a catheter in me when I was in labor. He still wants and loves me all the same.

[Poppy47]

Angelique,

 

I had foot surgery and MM took care of me.

 

He changed dressings on my foot, cleaned up after I sicked up codeine medication, cooked, shopped and did it without question of feeling too comfortable or looking for a reward in any way. He never mentioned it again.

 

I will always appreciate it and remember his kindness. He did it because he wanted to. People seem to be too suspicious of motives.

 

I wouldn't worry about the independence or vulnerability aspect. If you are so uncomfortable about it, tough it out alone.

 

Poppy.

[AngeliqueC]

Thanks, Popsicle. I've dealt with scratched eyeballs before and it's right up there with childbirth, as far as I'm concerned. The last time I did it - about 10 years ago - I wore my gas permeable lenses for too long, and ended up not just with scratch dies but also temporarily blind in one eye. Pretty much cured me if wearing contacts!

 

And, no, ladies, it's not so much about bursting any bubble of perfection. After 22 years, he's seen me in worse shape. He's a super attentive caregiver - and that's just as much a problem as me not wanting to be dependent. My son would be bored, spend his time playing World of Warcraft and leave me alone to sleep. MM would constantly be checking on me...and I would feel guilty for not being able to get up and tend to cooking for us, and for not recovering at the speed of light. I've BTDT with him. I know he means well, but he hardly ever gets sick and he doesn't understand people who don't bounce back like they live on a trampoline. Right now, I'm having a bad fibromyalgia flare brought on by allergies and overdoing things - and I've had four phone calls in 24 hours, each while I'm sound asleep, to see how I'm doing. I wish he'd just let me rest and text him when I'm awake and feeling up to a conversation. I know from experience the best way for me to get better faster is to stay in a quiet, dark room in a warm bed with a humidifier going. No tv, no books, no computer, just lots of sleep.

 

Whoever helps me out is going to have to deal with my mum. She is 85, had a minor stroke 3 months ago and is recovering from pneumonia. She's still pretty weak and will be for quite awhile, I'm afraid. She absolutely loathes my younger son (because he looks like his father and she hates his father), moderately tolerates MM and has been so bitchy to my other friends that she's run all of them off except one. (Yep. You read that right.) she has given up both cooking and driving, and since I'm an only child, I'm the one who is her driver and cook. Daily. I think she can manage a day without me, but much more than that and things will get nasty.

 

So, maybe MM is the best choice, even though I'd love to see my son. (The kids and MM all live in the same area, 1200 miles from me).

[AngeliqueC]

Sleep, btw, is VERY good. I just woke up from a dream where I was a dead ringer for a very young Audra Barkley, and was gazing up, star struck, into the eyes of a very young and handsome Pernell Roberts, LOL!! Oh, I wish!!! LOL!!!

[whichwayisup]

and I don't want him to see me as being helpless, weak, or dependent.

Yet you said he's seen you at your worst?

he's seen me in worse shape.

 

So what is the real issue here?

[Gloria_Smellons]

I get it.. I have a fierce independent streak and I hate asking for help.. about anything. (I have been working on it..)

 

However, when I had a health issue I didn't even tell MM about it, mostly because I didn't want to start depending on someone who I KNEW I couldn't depend on. He wasn't my partner, so I wasn't about to rely on him.

 

Just my take on it.

[AngeliqueC]

Whichway, my first response to your question there cuts to the heart of it, I think. I was younger then (when he saw me at my worst!).

 

Having a front row seat to my mum's declining health has made me super sensitive to how horrid people can be when you combine age and feeling bad. Just three days ago, she had a hissy fit in the doctor's office and raked the physician's assistant over the coals.

 

I don't want to be her. And I'm afraid I will be.

[whatatangledweb]

Whichway, my first response to your question there cuts to the heart of it, I think. I was younger then (when he saw me at my worst!).

 

Having a front row seat to my mum's declining health has made me super sensitive to how horrid people can be when you combine age and feeling bad. Just three days ago, she had a hissy fit in the doctor's office and raked the physician's assistant over the coals.

 

I don't want to be her. And I'm afraid I will be.

 

You won't be her , you'll do the opposite after seeing the effect it has on people. Let MM care for you. Tell him ahead of time that you really just want to sleep as much as possible. To please don't wake you up. You know someone loves you when they care for you at your worst and how they see you doesn't change at all.

[whichwayisup]

Whichway, my first response to your question there cuts to the heart of it, I think. I was younger then (when he saw me at my worst!).

 

Having a front row seat to my mum's declining health has made me super sensitive to how horrid people can be when you combine age and feeling bad. Just three days ago, she had a hissy fit in the doctor's office and raked the physician's assistant over the coals.

 

I don't want to be her. And I'm afraid I will be.

 

You aren't her. You probably handle stress, illness and crisis's better than she does, right? Just because she's mom doesn't mean you're going to be like her in every way. Because you're aware of her behavior, you can make a huge effort to make sure that you don't go down the same road she has (attitude wise).